Thursday, December 31, 2009

2010 - The Year of Promises

I know two posts in one day, but I did not want to go into 2010 without declaring and decreeing what kind of year it *will* be for me. Habbakuk 2:2 talks about the just living by faith. Then the LORD answered me and said: “ Write the vision and make it plain on tables, that he may run that readeth it.

I am claiming 2010 as the year of promise. 2008 and 2009 brought some wonderful events as well as some devastating ones.
Jan 2008 - I Married my wonderful hubby.
June 2008 -lumps were found and thus began the anxiety ridden ordeal of testing, stopping birth control and ruling out Cancer.
August 2008 - I found out I was expecting.
October - Found out that we were expecting a baby girl!
November 2008 - Found out I was fully dilated and went on to deliver my sweetheart, simply too early to survive.

February 2009 - Jumped on the TTC bandwagon.
March 2009 - Found out we were expecting again.
May 2009 - preventative vaginal cerclage done.
June 2009 - Went on strict bedrest (modified was suggested) and found out we were having a baby boy!.
July 2009 - Emergency cerclage done, and eventually delivered a second angel.

Has yet to be written or fulfilled, but I am already claiming it as my season! As 2009 ends, I am leaving behind bitterness. I am leaving behind heart wrenching, kick you in the gut grief. I am leaving behind toxic friendships. I am leaving behind broken relationships and petty bickering. I am leaving behind the opinions of people who "think" they know best even though they have never walked in my shoes. I am leaving behind the old Marie and the label of "that girl who lost her babies". I am leaving behind anxiety and worry.
Instead, I am embracing love. I am embracing health. I am embracing peace. I am embracing the sweet memories of my babies. I am embracing the fact that I got to know them no matter how short their time with me was. I am embracing the few real friends that I have in my corner. I am embracing the wonderful family and support system that I have (those far and near, in my real life, and in my blog life). I am embracing change. I am embracing his promises for me. I am embracing healing. I am embracing positive thinking and good thoughts.

I refuse to enter a new decade as the old Marie. The new Marie will be one that loves hard. The new Marie will no longer be scared to try new things or persevere inspite of. The new Marie will give HOPE, one......more......try. The new Marie will be bolder, stronger. The new Marie will take charge of her own destiny, and make the vision plain. The new Marie will hold our Savior to His Promises.

He promised that He will fulfill the desires of our hearts.

Deuteronomy 1:11
The LORD God of your fathers make you a thousand times so many more as ye are, and bless you, as he hath promised you!
Matthew 14:7
Whereupon he promised with an oath to give her whatsoever she would ask.
Romans 9:9
For this is the word of promise, At this time will I come, and Sarah shall have a son.

He promised that His word is sure.
Psalm 105:42
For he remembered his holy promise, and Abraham his servant.
Jeremiah 32:42
For thus saith the LORD; Like as I have brought all this great evil upon this people, so will I bring upon them all the good that I have promised them.
2 Corinthians 1:20
For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.
Galatians 4:28
Now we, brethren, as Isaac was, are the children of promise.

He promised that His promises will always be fulfilled.
Jeremiah 33:14
Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will perform that good thing which I have promised unto the house of Israel and to the house of Judah.
Hebrews 6:15
And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.
2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.
1 John 2:25
And this is the promise that he hath promised us, even eternal life.

He says he will fulfill His promises as long as we believe those promises.
2 Corinthians 7
Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.
Galatians 3:22
But the scripture hath concluded all under sin, that the promise by faith of Jesus Christ might be given to them that believe.
Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;)
Hebrews 10:36
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

As a new year approaches, I pray this prayer for all of us.

Lord, we thank you for the past two years. Though they were some trying ones that left us broken, wounded, devastated, we have realized how strong we are. We have realized that with you we CAN do all things. We realize that the kind of women we are, the kinds of families and support system we have. We realized how much you must have loved your own son, that you gave him up, so that we might have life. We realize that the same way we grieved for our babies must have been the same way you grieved for your son. We thank you that we got to know these precious gifts, though we are sad that they are not present with us in body, we are grateful that they are with you. Most of all we are grateful that we have hope. We are grateful that we will be able to see them again when you call us home. We are grateful that we have such great hope in you.

Lord, your word continually charges us to have faith, and what the result WILL be of that faith. Lord, you tell us to prove you, to fleece you, to put our hope and trust in you. Lord, though we know it may be hard, because we feel as though you let us down, we know that you do not love us any less for feeling this way. We know it makes you hug us even closer, we know it causes you to give us space until we are ready to run back to your loving arms.

As 2010 approaches, let us go into the new year armed with your armor. Armed with the knowledge that you have allowed us to acquire after our losses. Armed with even greater faith, gusto, and strength. Armed with boldness, Armed with your love, Armed with praises on our lips. Lord we declare and decree that 2010 be your year of Promise. Lord, we are holding you to that promise. Your word tells us that if we hold steadfast without wavering, the promise will be fulfilled. We claim victory in 2010. 2010 will be year that will see praise for you coming from our lips. 2010 will see healthy full term babies being born. 2010 will be a miraculous year, as we see "infertiles" conceiving. 2010 will be the year of your promises fulfilled.

Lord, we know we will also see heartaches, loss of jobs, homes, loved ones, but we face these future challenges with you by our sides, ready to lift us up before we fall. We will allow you in 2010 to dry our tears and allay our fears. We will develop an even greater relationship with you in 2010, that when our grief threatens to consume us, we know you will be waiting in the wings.

2010 is our season. Ecclesiastes 3: sates that to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. Well, 2010 is our season! It is the year where your glory will be seen, and others will see how great you are. Our lives will be testimonies to you, that will draw others closer to your love.

As we enter into our season, we hold you to your promise, we embrace your promise, and we give glory and thanks before we even see it, and at the end of it, your name shall still be called blessed.

2010 will yield my expected end.

Christmas Day Recap

December 25th started out okay. I go up said my prayers, wished all of you peace, and started making my famous salad and *tried* to make Cake Balls for our family get together. I said tried, because I could not find the almond bark anywhere and tried to substitute it with melted chocolate chips - to sum it up, they are still sitting on my dining room table. I do not like making people eat something that I would not eat myself. That should have been the first sign about the kind of day it was going to be.

My dad was out of town for his brothers wedding, so my step-mother decided to invite her family to our yearly "all day event". My sisters and my step-moms family are not close at all, so already it was a little awkward, regardless, we decided to put our differences aside for my step-mother. We had an 11:00 brunch, played games and hung around the house, and dinner and dessert at 6:00.
In order to not bore you with the specifics, it was a SUCKY day! There were babies everywhere! There was a little girl the exact age Alyssa-Joy would have been, a baby boy, the same age Evan would have been, a newly pregnant girl, as well as a heavily pregnant girl. For the most part, I avoided them, but with an all day event, I could not just shut myself away in the guest room, as I did not want anyone to think I was being deliberately rude. It was an okay day, but sucky nonetheless as it reminded me of what should have been.
*Sorry there are no pictures. Dh *borrowed" my camera and left it at work. My sister took some pictures and I am still waiting on them,even though I have asked her to send them to me several times.

My step-kids have been here for the past week as well. They are 10, and 12 (preteens really) and it has been interesting to say the least. They are moody and quite rude. I have had to put them in their place several times. Hubby was at work, so it was left up to me to entertain them. Keeping them in the house would have been brutal, so I found several cost-efficient things for them to do. Entertaining them is tough. A few years ago it was easy, now they have their own ideas about things they want to do, and none of those things are similar.
One more thing, they fight like cats and dogs! I do not remember my siblings and I fighting like that. Every time I turned around, they were at it, and I don't just mean bickering back and forth, I mean bit** slapping each other. I can say I am exhausted! My house is a mess, the carpets are going to have to be cleaned, things are ripped, and my white cushioned formal dining room chairs are ruined. I keep telling myself, at least they had fun, but jeez! Is this what I have to look forward to when my own kids become teenagers? Lol.
They leave on Saturday, but their dad is off, so he is on kid duty and I am locked away in my bedroom with a cup of tea.....finally breathing......again.

I got my necklace that I won from Bree, and my angel ornament from Mrs.A.. Ladies you are the best! I cried when I got them, and every time I look at them, I tear up. I love and appreciate the fact that others love and treasure the memories of my babies as much as I do. I will post pictures tomorrow when I get my camera from hubby's office.

Where is my expected end?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Just dropping in.....

Hello Gang!

From reading all your posts, I can see that most of us had a peaceful Christmas, and for those of us who had a hard time, all I can do is send you a big cyber hug. When I got up that morning to say my prayers, I prayed for all of you and wished you some measure of peace.

My step children are here this week (more on that in another post), so I have been mostly out and about playing chauffeur and entertainer while dh is at work. Let me just say that the teenage years are oh so fun (can you see the sarcasm dripping off my lips??).

I will be able to catch you up on my Christmas experience, items I won during the 25 Days of Christmas Giveaway, and some things I have discovered. Just taking a few minutes to let you all know all is well, and I am thinking about you all!

Where is my expected end?

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas.....

..... from our family to yours.

I stepped on the scale this morning, and I gained 2 freaking pounds. Going to the gym 7 days a week and eating right for two months did not pay off. Bah humbug!

Where is my expected end?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Beautiful Blogger Award

Alana nominated me for The Beautiful Blogger award. Thanks Alana!
Simple rules, as these things go. Post seven things about myself, and pass the award along to seven beautiful bloggers.

7 Random Things About Me
1. I have a "Type A" personality. Everything must be a certain way. As a teacher, I even refuse to take interns until January, because I want to set up my classroom and establish rules and procedures without any input or interference. My friend came to help me at the beginning of the school year and the next day I redid everything she did. The contents in my refrigerator must be a certain way. Milk on a certain shelf, vegetables in a certain area, butter in a certain spot, labels facing outward...... you get the picture. It drives dh crazy! :-)

2.) I am a worrier. I now worry about everything! This only came about after losing my babies. I actually wake up in the middle of the night to rest my hand on DH's chest to make sure he is still breathing. I am afraid of losing him along with my babies.

3.) I cannot make fried chicken or white rice. Sad, I know. I can make everything else, lasagna, fried rice, lamb, pork chops, tenderloin, beef, brown rice and beans, but my fried chicken never comes out right, and my rice is always overdone. Hubby cannot understand how I can make a perfect brown rice, but when it comes to white rice, I am hopeless. I can do fried chicken wings, but I cannot fry chicken legs, thighs, breasts. Go ahead, you have my permission to laugh.

4.) I dislike my IL (I have to talk in codes are, because you never know who is reading. Don't worry, the feeling is mutual. MIL never came to my wedding, refuses to speak directly to me, I never get invited to their events (only dh), but are quite comfortable to ask for money. We do not get along, in fact, I stay away from them. They made up their mind not to like me and stuck with it. I stopped trying after a year. After all, I do not need their approval for anything.

5.) I am obsessed with shoes. I know, what woman isn't. I must say, I surpass the normal woman. I have so many, hubby has no space in the closet. There are boxes on the top shelf, bottom shelf, middle shelf, under the bed, dresser (yup, I made them fit there), in the hallway closet, everywhere. On a given day, I have 3 -4 pairs in my car. Hey, you never know when you might break a heel, right?. And what if I feel like changing throughout the day? Halfway through the day, I might discover that my shoes don't match (see, I told you it was an unhealthy obsession). I choose my shoes first, and then coordinate an outfit. I hate shopping for clothes, but I can spend all day in a shoe store. Oh, and where shoes are concerned, money is no object.

6.) I am beyond frugal (except when it comes to shoes). I clip coupons for everything! Even going to buy fast food. Just last Saturday we went to (last minute decision), and I was pissed because I had a buy one, get one free coupon at home. I could have saved $!0! A typical grocery bill for 2 weeks usually runs about $80, and even that is too expensive for me. I am always looking for a way to cut costs and expenses. I buy store brand items (this is only when I leave hubby at home. If he comes with me, forget it - he prefers brand name items, when I go alone, he has no say, and hey when I get home its too late to return it right?). When the gas in my car is running low, I drive 5-8 miles below the speed limit, roll the windows down, and try to avoid stepping on the brakes too often - all in an effort to extend the gas. Hubby hates this and actually sneaks out when I am unaware and puts gas in my car. Needless to say when I find out, I am fuming. Yes, I am really cheap.

7.) I am a nerd at heart. I wear glasses (refuse to wear contact!), I love to read, and have a soft spot for all the other nerds out there. I took me a few years to come into my own as a teenager. Imagine a tall, skinny, gangly arms, huge glasses, pimply face teenager. That was me. I would show you a picture, but I would not want to scare anyone, plus you never know whose reading! This way I am safe from blackmail :-).

Seven people I nominate for this award. (I can only nominate seven, so I will try to nominate people I have not nominated in the past, but to all my readers consider consider yourself nominated!)

1.) Bree at My Baby Butterfly
Bree has a beautiful heart, and makes these amazing butterflies for angel moms. She is currently in her 2nd pregnancy and I am amazed at her strength. Sure, she gets nervous and lets us know, but she has what I call a "quiet strength", she does not even know how strong she is just yet, and how she inspires everyone.

2.) Ali at I am a Mommy
Ali is fairly new is to the blogging community and has an awesome spirit. She perseveres despite the loss of her precious Cadynce Alice.

3.) Mrs. A at What's Cooking or Not?
Mrs. A reminds me of an "old soul". Her feelings ring through her posts. She has overcome so many obstacles, yet she remains optimistic.

4.) Holly at Caring for Carleigh
Holly is always there to lend an ear to anyone. She comments on almost every post. It was her picture of her beautiful daughter posted on her page that inspired me to post the pictures of my babies. She speaks of her daughter with such love and reverence that it touches my heart and rings a tear to my eyes each and every time.

5.) Franchesca at Handprints From Heaven
Franchesca voices exactly how I am feeling in her posts. There are days I cannot put my feelings into words, and the minute I log on to her blog, I see myself, as if I were writing those exact words. Her faith is strong and she is one tough mama!

6.) Jessica at Momma of Two Angels
Jessica is always there to help me with those damn insurance people. She has given me so much helpful advice and I am forever grateful. She is my first blog-facebook friend, and I have come to love her like a sister.

7. You!
I nominate all of you! You have no idea how you all help me during this journey. I wish I could list all of, but alas, the list would be too long. You are all an inspiration to me, and I am forever in your debt. You are there with advice when I need it, a virtual shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent, and the list goes on. Thanks for all you do!
If you haven't been tagged for this yet, and you'd like to join the fun---consider yourself nominated! :)

Where is my expected end?

Monday, December 21, 2009

....... And He Loves Them

Matthew 19:14 - But Jesus said, "Suffer little children, and forbid them not to come unto me, for of such is the kingdom of heaven".

In my quest to answer the question that plagues me daily ("why?"), I came across this scripture. As hard as it is to imagine, he loves my babies, probably more than I do. This is the man who gave his son, so that we might have life and have it more abundantly. This is the man that carries our burdens and makes our yoke easy. This is the man that weeps when we weeps, that rejoices when we rejoice, that blesses when we praise. Jesus was in Judea talking about family and the importance thereof, and children were brought unto him - innocent children, children whose parents wanted to be blessed, children who were probably in awe of this great man, and whose hearts were probably beating a mile a minute. I can imagine the smile on their faces when they were in his presence and how their hearts probably swelled. The disciples, who had not time for these children, and thought out savior had no time for them as well, rebuked them. I can see them pushing them away, I can see the annoyance on their faces. I can see the agony and anguish on the faces of the children. Some probably has a sheen of tears in their eyes. I can see the confusion in their eyes.
Jesus, in his infinite wisdom, rebuked the disciples and said "let them come unto me, for these are the children that will inherit my kingdom".

In numerous scriptures, he has shown a special kind of love to children. He wept and healed Jairus's daughter, he made them kings, he made them rulers, he prepared a special place for them. If he did that then, why would he not do that now? He states that children are his heritage (Ps.127:3).
I know I can never understand why, but his word gives me some idea. He loved my babies so much, that he brought them back to sit at his feet. He knew my pain would be great, he wept when I did, he ached when I ached. I can see the tears in his eyes as he made that difficult decision. I can see the hurt in his heart and the tremble in his hands as he called them home. I can see the love that he is bestowing upon them - twice the love - enough from him and enough from me. I can see the hope in his heart for me, I can see the plans he has for me.

He loves them. He says they are his heritage. He says that he desires good for me. As tough as this decision was for him to take my babies, I know it was made with a purpose. I may never understand, but I know that they are safe. I know they are free from hurt, pain, and sickness. I know they are with a savior that will bathe them in love and peace. I know that there is no other person (than myself and hubby ) that I would want them to be with. I know they are with the best person possible. Who else will love them like I do, but him?

As christmas approaches, my heart hurts but is joyful. I have a savior who loves me. I have a savior who sent his son to die for my sins, that I may have life MORE abundantly. As I celebrate his birth, I celebrate the births of all our babies. I can see them all this christmas with our savior loving down on us and bathing us in love. It is a tough week for all of us - those of us who are struggling to conceive and those of us who have lost. As we focus on the hurt that our heart feels, try to be still for a moment and feel the wind or snowflake that brushes our cheek - it is our babies reminding us that we are still very much a part of their lives, just as they are a part of ours. When you feel a sudden warmth in a cold room, know that it is our savior enveloping us in love. I pray for our peace this holiday season, and I am always thinking of and praying for you.

Where is my expected end?

Friday, December 18, 2009

I Love Him....

As much as my heart is broken, when I think of His goodness and his promises, my heart swells. He promises to be my Shepherd, my keeper, my comforter, my strong tower, my friend..... He has been that and more. Though I experience ups and downs, his rod and staff always comfort me, as long as I stay close to him.
As much as I miss my babies, who better to be with, and what better place to be? Dwelling in His house, means I will forever call upon and enjoy His presence, forever.

As tough as it is to understand the "whys", I am comforted knowing that he is always near and willing wrap me in his comforting arms. Like the SHepherd does to/for his sheep, he guides, leads and protects me from danger. He has made my enemies my footstools by allowing me to rise above their actions. What a great hope to have....... I really do love Him.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd, He makes me lie in pastures green
He leadeth me beside quiet water, that wash over me.
Though I will walk in the shadows
His rod and His staff comfort me
And I will recline at a table, in the presence of my enemies.
Surely, Goodness and mercy will follow me
And I will dwell in the house of the lord, close by His side, I will abide in His lovingkindness, FOREVER

Where is my expected end?

Monday, December 14, 2009

I Did Not Know My Own Strength

I saw the therapist last Thursday and I must say, though it was good to go, it did not help me in any way, shape or form. She did help me realize that I cannot carry the burden of trying to educate others on how to respond to a situation such as mine. As I was telling her my story, the only word that kept coming to her lips were "how horrific". (I told you I was unique!). She remarked at the end of my story that I have a strength that surpassed that of people in their 70's and 80's. She stated that she could not believe how strong I was, and did believe that I prepared my self for the possibility of another loss.

She was horrified ( theres that word again) at my Pastor's comments and the actions of the church people. She agreed with me that they are judging me based on how his daughter reacted when she had her losses. She said to let the Pastor know that this is a personal matter and we do not need him to be involved - just to pray for us. She also asked my feelings about the church in general. I am ashamed to say that I have not been back to church since the incident. I have a strong dislike (hate is too strong of a word) in my heart. Instead of being a hypocrite and going, I have stayed home and prayed to God and asked him to rid me of these feelings. I have made up my mind to speak the pastor and let him know (in a cordial manner) exactly how his words affected me.
The therapist also stated that she does not believe that counseling would benefit me, but she is always there to talk, be a confidant, and a guide. I might go to one more session just to see and then call it quits.

As I was watching O.prah today (she was interviewing Whitney Houston), I heard the song, "I didn't know my own strength. Ladies, this song was speaking to me. I really did not know how strong I was until I experienced loss. I have realized that I can withstand (with the help of God) many things that come my way. If I can go through this, there is nothing I can't conquer.
I have learned to focus on the positive things in life, and let go of the trivial stuff. I have learned to brush my shoulders off and move on. I have learned who my true friends are, and what an awesome family I have.
This strength only came because of these losses. I shudder to think about the person I used to be (well, some parts). I was self-centered (to an extent), I was sarcastic, and really did not give too much thought about others and their feelings. Now, I am more empathetic, sympathetic, and show love more. I have experienced and given true love to my babies.
This strength comes because of his strength. Ps. 18:32 states; It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
Without him and his strength to guide me, imagine where I would be? Though he chose to take my babies, I MUST put my trust in him, and further believe that his strength is made perfect in MY weakness.

Where is my expected end?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Due Date

Sorry, I have been missing, but I needed this week to just be. Evan's EDD was on Wednesday and again, the anticipation more than the day itself was hard. I got up that morning and "doled" myself up. I put on makeup, wore my best outfit, threw on some heels and I was out the door. I figured, I might as well look good, even if I feel crappy. Unfortunately, all the preggos decided to visit my classroom that day. That was H.A.R.D! I kept telling myself that i should be on Maternity leave with a beautiful, healthy, baby boy, but alas, it is not so.
I cannot state enough, how shattered my heart is. I am going to have to relive this experience twice a year. Not once, but TWICE. I miss my babies more than ever, but I am glad that I got to know them, and for the time I had with them.

Is it me, or do you find yourself resentful around other pregnant women? With my other DBM and infertiles, I rejoice when they are expecting. I eagerly look forward to good news, breathe a LOUD sigh of relief when I do hear good news, and cry with them when they don't. I rejoice with them because i know what they have been through and what they have done to get to that point.
For other women, free from complications, I am resentful. Unfortunately a sneer comes to my lips, and I turn away. Call it envy, jealousy, not sure what it is, but I think to myself, how nice it must be to be that naive. How nice it must be to walk around, exercise, shop, and but baby items.
I have been praying about this, and asking God to rid me of these feelings. This is not the me I used to be. I do not want to feel this way at all. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels this way.

On a high note, only 6 more days until I am off for the Winter Break! I love the perks of being a teacher!

Where is my expected end?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Tale of Two Gifts......

I opened my mailbox and found two "gifts in the mail.

The Bitter:

A box of formula from Similac. Thanks Similac! You sure made my day! I will be sure to mix this and leave it for Santa with some cookies -maybe he will think its milk.

The Sweet:

Their blankets

Evan's Bear

Alyssa-Joy's Bear

Girl bear and boy bear with their hats and blankets.

A sweet gift in memory of my babies from a member of the IC forum. Tiffany makes miscarriage blankets for moms like me. She herself lost her precious baby Kaitilin, and now has another little sweetheart Emilie. Thanks Tiff. This is MY kind of gift.
This came at a perfect time. I was looking for a way to incorporate our babies into our family pictures, and this is the perfect solution. We will strategically place the bears in each picture.

Where is my expected end?

Monday, December 7, 2009

Nothing New II

Here are some responses from this post. The scripture says; Ecclesiastes 1:9,10 (King James Version) The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
10 Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us.

As for me, it took me quite a while to "get it," so my first reaction was really to kind of laugh and brush it off. I was not understanding. Then came the confusion. Then, hours later when it finally sunk in. . . "defeated" is the word I have most often used. I don't remember if I cried, although I'm sure I did. But I don't think I bawled or was hysterical. I just remember crawling under the covers in that hospital bed and feeling defeated.

When my doctor uttered the words, "no heartbeat", I really don't remember what happened at first. I know I cried, I know I curled up in that hospital bed and squeezed my husbands hand. That was the worst moment of my life.

When N. was born unexpectedly at home, I was in shock. He was moving and, even though my head must have known he was too young to survive, I just tried to keep him warm and tell him how much I loved him until the EMTs arrived. They tried everything to save him, even thought they too must have known it wasnt possible. 2 weeks later, when S.'s water broke, I knew that the chances I'd carry her 6 more weeks to viability were slim to none. When she was born, all I could think was that I wanted her to know how much we loved her. When I went into the hospital with A., we just decided to take every day as a special blessing. When his labor progressed and couldnt be stopped, we knew that he wouldnt survive and we just told God that we delivered his spirit into His hands and thanked Him for the time we had. We told A. how much we loved him and held him close.

When I realized J. might not make it at the 5 month check up I was mostly naive and optimistic. When she died a few months later, I felt dead. I felt like my purpose ended. I soon entered this zombie-like demeanor and it really kept me sane from feeling the full brunt of this devastating loss. I stayed "numb" for at least 6 weeks. When that wore off, I began to feel, really feel the deep sadness that I was almost convinced could kill me. My husband was much more grounded than me.

Well, I guess my moment would be when we found out about C.'s fatal diagnosis. I got the call that there was something concerning on the US and made the trip back to the hospital. When I found out I was by myself (well technically my coworker was in the room but I don't count him). I had just read my US report and the first thing was shock. Was this really happening to me? I didn't cry until I heard it come from our doctor's mouth just in case there was a *slim* chance I had read wrong. Strangely, at a moment when I should've been so broken I felt at peace. I felt the same peace again when she was born, even though she wasn't born alive like we were praying for.

The night before J. was born I had started bleeding extremely heavy so I don't even think I could really process what was going on. I got to the ER and I remember seeing his heartbeat on the ultrasound machine just for the doc to tell me he was going to die. It didn't sink in till after I delivered him. M. (dh) felt it much sooner then I did. Ironically like some of the other ladies who have posted I did feel some peace when I first held him in my arms. I just wish that peace lasted sometimes.

Now, I am no minister and no great interpreter of the word, but I can always relay what I get from it, and what it means to me. If anyone has any other translation, please feel free :-).
Basically, this scripture tells me that if something significant has happened to me, it has probably happened to someone else. I cannot say it is a "new" thing, because as the scripture reminds me, someone, somewhere, has also experienced/is experiencing the same thing.
That being said, our losses, my losses are not something new, it is how we react that makes our situation unique to us. I reacted in a "numb" way. Others reacted differently.
Some may not understand the bond we all have, or how the support this community gives. Yes, we have all experienced losses, and we talk about, share, and love our babies freely. Some people think it is macabre, and we should just "move on" and even ask, "why do you look at blogs with dead babies?". For me, it is not just looking at dead babies, it is looking into the heart and soul of another mother who has experienced the same loss. It is reading posts that describe in detail, feelings that I could not put into words myself. It is learning from the experience of others, it is sharing information so that we can hopefully avoid another loss. Most of all, it is a feeling of normalcy. In my "not so normal" world, where I only know a few DBM, I cannot freely share, discuss, or grieve my babies, but in this community, I am free to be ME.

So, yes there is nothing new under the sun, and you know what? I am glad there is nothing new. If I had to go through this all y myself, I would be a total mess. Who would I talk to? Where would I go for support (other that dh)? This nothing new, makes my losses and grief more bearable.

Where is my expected end?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The White Rose

I found this a while ago, not sure who the author is. Enjoy!

All the Earth's mothers and fathers were gathered together at God's garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to Earth, were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the Mothers and Fathers: "See the works of my hands, someday you will be the parents of these radiant spirits."

The garden glowed with mixtures of all kinds and colors. "Choose Ye." He said. One by one mothers and fathers stepped forward. I want the blue-eyed curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion. Yet another chose a brown-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an Earthly home.

Now in the East corner of the garden, pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. As these beautiful roses were left unchosen, the Father spoke, "But who will take the white roses, the ones in the East corner of the garden? These will return to me in goodness, perfect and pure. They will not stay long in your home, I must bring them back to my garden, for they belong with me. But they will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them as you complete your mortal journey, but I will personally care for them. "

"No, not I," many said in unison. "I could not bear to give one back so soon." "Nor I," said others, "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."

The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers and fathers with love in His eyes for someone to step forward. Then He said, "Silence! See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones, I choose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is my own. Will not anyone choose like unto him?"

A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord, I will."

Then a few fathers, "And I as well."

"Yes, we will Lord."

Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices their mothers and fathers had made.

The Father spoke again. "Oh blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time."

The white roses embraced their mothers and fathers, and so complete was their purity and love that it filled their souls with peace, courage, and faith. Each mother and father knew they could endure this task. And the greatest of all the white roses gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and an outpouring of love surrounded each mother, father, and child. Together the Father and His chosen one, prepared these mothers, fathers, and their white roses for their special mission. And together, each mother and father who would bare the mortal pain of the white roses felt God's overwhelming peace and love as they all shouted, "Thy will be done."

Monday, November 30, 2009

Birthday Recap

The minute I opened my eyes, I knew what day it was. This was the day I dreaded for months (and to think I am going to have to go through this twice a year?). I snuggled into dh and started crying. How I would have loved to snuggle Alyssa-Joy and shower her with kisses on her first birthday! I would have enjoyed seeing her toddle around, chase runaway balloons, and smash her pink birthday cake.
Instead, at 6:55am I lit a candle in her honor (time of birth). We did not get to do the balloon release, as we waned to just shut ourselves away from the world and enjoy her spirit together. I was worried no one would remember AJ's birthday. How wrong I was! My sisters and friend called to see how I was doing and expressed that they missed her as much as I do. How awesome it felt to know that others I know IRL are thinking of my precious baby as well.

To all my blog friends, I thank you from the bottom of my scarred heart for remembering my sweetheart with me. I could never survive this without your love, advice, prayers, and support.

Where is my expected end?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Happy Birthday My Sweetheart

One year today, I gave birth to a perfect angel, simply born too soon. Because of her, I have learned patience, courage, hope, fear, disappointment, strength, but most importantly, I have learned love. Happy Birthday my sweetheart. For the sort time that I carried you, you were loved. When I saw your precious face, our hearts filled with joy. We love and miss you more than you will ever know and we cant wait to see you again, only then will our shattered hearts feel whole again. We love you sweetheart.

My Special Angel

She's always watching over me,
I feel her presence near,
She's always here to listen,
And guide me through my fears.
She's a very special angel,
One God choose just for me,
She was once my angel here on earth,
But that wasn't long to be.
God called her home one morning,
My fear and rage did He see ,
If He were such a loving God,
Why take my baby from me?
But in time I saw the plan,
He unveiled for me to see,
He had taken my baby away,
But He gave her back to me.
There was only one thing different,
About this wondrous thing,
She just traded her faded and bruised flesh,
For a halo and snow white wings.

We love and miss you. Rest In Peace Alyssa-Joy, and Happy First Birthday!
reworded poem by Shoney Winstead (with revisions to suit me)

Where is my expected end?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Nothing New Under the Sun

I keep reflecting on the scripture that says there is nothing new under the sun (I have to find the actual scripture). Plainly put, nothing that we go through is new - someone, somewhere has already experienced it. I have met so many women who have experienced the loss of their babies, and though nothing is new under the sun, each story and experience is unique. We are all affected in different ways, have differing support systems, and react in different ways.

As for me, when I found out I was going to lose both my babies, I felt numb. I heard what the Dr.'s said, but for some reason it did not "settle" that I was really going to lost them. My family bawled to say the least. My dh bargained with God, and all they could ask was what happened?
I am curious, what was your first reaction? How did those around you (if they were there to hear the news react)?

Where is my expected end?

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday and Jokes

I seems that not only have my losses made me more sympathetic and in tune with other peoples feelings, but I think it has made me an even bigger critic of myself. Has anyone experienced this as well?

Did anyone do any Black Friday shopping? I will never brave the malls on Black Friday again! It was chaotic and everything I wanted was sold out.

I found these jokes and hopes it brings a smile to your face. It did to mine. :-)

1. What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Turkey!

2. What do you call a dumb gobbler?
A jerky turkey!

3. What do you call a gobbler who thinks he knows everything?
A smirky turkey!

4. What has feathers and webbed feet?
A Turkey wearing Scuba Gear!

5. Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

6. Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

7. What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

8. Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners!

9. How can you send a turkey through the post office?
Bird class mail!

10. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

11. What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

12. If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!

13. Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring? Because April showers bring May flowers.

14. What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.

15. If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their great old age!

16. What kind of potatoes go oui-oui-buzz-buzz?
French flies!

17. How do you make gold soup?
Just throw in fourteen carrots (carats).

18. What kind of vegetable would you like tonight?
Beets me!

19. Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam.

20. Why did the man invest in feathers?
He heard the stock market was going down.

Jokes taken from

Where is my expected end?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Broken Dreams-Giving Thanks

Oh give thanks to the Lord for he is good, for his mercy endures for ever! Psalm 118:1

I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. Today is supposed to be a day when we give thanks for our many blessings, spend it with our family and be enveloped in love. For me and so many others, it is a day of what I call "Broken Dreams". I title it such, because when we first find out we are expecting, we immediately start dreaming. We dream of what our babies will look like, we dream of the things we will do with them, what type f personality they will have, the clothes we will dress them in, their first Easter, their first Thanksgiving, and their first Christmas/Hanukkah. Well, today I will not be dressing my babies in their first Thanksgiving outfit and sharing them with family. I will not be beaming with pride at the noises they make or the smiles they give my loved ones, I will not experience their little fists clutching my finger. Instead, I have a broken heart, broken memories, and broken dreams. I laid in bed last night forcing the tears away. The only thing I could whisper was "Why?" and though I will never have an answer, I force myself to give thanks. I remind myself to be thankful for the blessings I do have, and that in everything (no matter how hard it may be) I must give thanks.

So today I give thanks for;

1. My broken heart - It makes me stronger and makes me realize that I can survive anything
2. My broken memories - the memories of my babies are bittersweet, but they were beautiful and perfect, and they bring a smile to my face.
3. My broken dreams - they are simply just deferred for now. I will always have the memories of my beautiful children.

I hope today find you all in good spirits, and from my family to yours (Larry, Marie, Alyssa-Joy and Evan) I wish you a happy Thanksgiving.

Thanking HIM for my expected end (soon to come).

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Always a Catch

Yesterday we made the hour long trip to Loxahatchee to speak to Dr. C. The appointment went well and dh actually liked him better than Dr, D. I am not so sure, but at least he allayed my fears about the LAP TAC. He has never had a loss and had the first documented case of full term twins with a LAP TAC. I was able to see pictures and hear of testimonials. He is quite accomplished and his videos showing the LAP TAC has been presented at conferences all over the world.

On our way out, we stopped by the front desk to inquire about the procedure and the protocol if we decided to use Dr. C. Well, we were told that we must pay $3,500 cash or by Cashiers Checks before the surgery is performed. The rational behind this is that they ensure that they get paid should insurance refuse to pay. This is still so even if V.ista submit in writing that they will pay for the procedure. Once insurance settles the bill (if they settle the bill), our money is refunded to us. We were told that Insurance will approve the procedure but may change their mind (? I am not sure how true that is). Obviously we don't have $3,500 to pay by the time Christmas Break comes around - we have approximately 67% that we can afford to "dispose of".
I asked to speak to the office manager (who coincidentally is his wife) who was out, but was assured she would call me.

Around 4:00 p.m. B. (his wife/office manager) called me. I did not get any "good" vibes from her. In fact she started off by telling me that V.ista will not approve infertility treatments. The first words that came out my mouth were, "I am not infertile". She stated that because it is a LAP procedure, the procedure code is listed an an "infertility" treatment. She went on and on, and the more she spoke, the less I trusted her. She was just saying, I am going to lose another kid, and the insurance won't pay and there is nothing they can do unless I pay (this is even with no knowledge of my medical background or how V.ista operates). Thinking about it now, I wonder if she riled me up on purpose. Hmmmmm.

I was so ticked off, I called the insurance company. The poor girl who answered got blasted (I apologized later of course). I was assured that it would be covered because V.ista has documented proof that a transvaginal cerclage does not work for me. She said that this particular office did not call so they cannot make that determination and she should fill out the paper work and take it from there. She spoke to a supervisor who said the same thing. I then asked about putting money down and they said they had never heard of such a thing.

I then called D. to ask the same thing, and she herself had never heard of such a thing, but could understand as Insurance companies are getting "finicky" at covering some procedures.
My question is, if Insurance approves the procedure, why would they not pay?

SO, at this point, we are waiting. We can afford to come up with the remainder in a month or two, but I refuse to take time off from work in January/February when I should be getting my students ready for standardized testing. This is why December 18th, was ideal, because it was Winter Break. We are going to continue saving, and all being well, we will schedule the surgery during Spring Break. Whether it is with this Dr., or Dr. Davis - I still don't know. Hey, I have a few months to pray and think it over, so no rush.

I am actually okay with this. Yes, it pushes our plans even further back, but at least we have a plan. In addition, we can continue getting our finances in order and for myself, getting fit. (BTW, I have already lost 8lbs! Wohooo!!!!- I was forced to step on the scale at the Dr.'s office yesterday, and to my shock/amazement/awe, my weight had dropped! I guess going to the gym 7 days a week does work), Forgive me, I digress.

Like I was saying, I am okay at waiting as I can stop "obsessing" about it and focus on other things. I am leaving it at His feet, and leaving it in his hands. Who knows he might have something up his sleeves and might show up when I least expect it.
Like the scripture says, "In everything give thanks". Despite "my plans" being postponed, I am still giving thanks for the options I have. My plans are not always his plans.
Keep us in your prayers ladies!

Today is a significant day for me. Today is the last day that I was "innocent" when pregnant with Alyssa-Joy. Today is the last full day that I enjoyed my pregnancy, and was naive to the problems that were to come. It is going to be rough over the next few days, we need your prayers now more than ever.

Also, tomorrow when we should be giving thanks and enjoying the presence of our families, our dear friend and DBM Mattie will be remembering her angel Shyla Joy on what should have been her due date. Please stop by her blog and wish her peace on what is sure to be a tough day. Praying for you Mattie and sending you thoughts of peace!

Where is my expected end?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

100th Post

Thanks ladies for all the wonderful comments. They always do my weary heart good. I will update you on the specifics with the Dr. tomorrow. As this is my 100th post, I prefer write about what is on my heart.

Matthew 11: 28 - 30 says, Come to me all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Accept my teachings and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest for your lives. (New Century Version
The King James version states, Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

How easy it seems to just give it all to him, to cast our burdens at his feet and let him carry the weight. It is easy to say, but tough to do. I say to my dh all the time, "I am not going to worry about it, I am leaving it in God's hands", but I never do. I still dwell on the what ifs, consult Mr. Google, and wrack my brain trying to "figure it out". I over analyze and worry about the future. I even worry about things I have no business worrying about.
It is like going to the grocery store and having to carry all the grocery bags up 6 flight of stairs - it is exhausting physically. By the time you get to the 4th floor, you are out of breath, your body is weak, and you are sweating profusely. You feel the tension in your neck and the pain of carrying the bags in the palms of your hands. This is how it feels to bear the burden alone.
The scripture reminds us that we are not supposed to carry the burden on our own, we are supposed to cast them on him. Like I said, easier said than done.
Well tonight, I am tired of carrying the load. I am tired and pained mentally and physically. I have tension and experience anxiety. I keep thinking of the future and my views are not always positive.
As women, our natural instinct is to solve the problem, and the results affect us more than they do our male counterparts. When we can't solve them, we push even further and search harder to find a solution that is acceptable to us. Tonight, I am making a commitment to cast my cares on him. You know what? I really am not going to worry anymore. If anything is for me, then it will come in time. I want to let go of the tension and the physical pain. I am casting my cares on him because I want my yoke to be easy, and my burden to be light.
I will no longer be obsessed with finding a solution to every problem I encounter, I will simply pray about it and leave it at the altar.

Where is my expected end?

Monday, November 23, 2009

What a Start...

Today was not a good day. After going back and forth with D., and the insurance company, about 12:15 pm this afternoon, I was told it was D.E.N.I.E.D. I went as high up as I could just to see if anyone could help me further. I was told the reason it was denied was because as a school board employee, I do not have out of network coverage. Contrary to what my employee packet says, and despite having the "High Option HMO Plan", I do not have an out of network benefit. Needless to say I was devastated (and thats an understatement).

Seeing that the procedure is a little over 3 weeks away, there is no time to appeal it, and as I was told, even if I did, it still would not be covered. I was told that my Dr. has to fight it, but really it is useless, and D., as we all know is incompetent, so I would not put much faith in her.
Right now all I can think is WHAT THE HECK AM I PAYING THEM FOR?

There might be a silver lining because I found a Dr. in Loxahatchee (about an hour or more away) who does perform the procedure. I took the day off tomorrow and Dh and I will be making the long drive in the morning.
I also found 6 other ladies who had him do the procedure, and the outcome was good. The only downside is that he does the LAP TAC, and based on my research, it is not that foolproof - I am going to see what he would think about doing the traditional TAC.
I am not so confident with not having Dr. D. perform the surgery, but I promised dh, I would at least hear him out. If I feel in any way uncomfortable, I am going to trust my gut and not have him do it. If that is the case, I will save, scrimp, and eat tuna everyday in order to have Dr. D. perform the procedure.
I am willing to hear him out.

Some of his credentials are:
* He invented the Laproscopic Cervico Isthmic Cerclage
* Board Certified Gynecologist
*Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Tuft University
*Published Author and has written 38 studies published in the Journal of Medicine - the latest in may 2009 and based on the TAC
*Runs 2 offices (Loxahatchee and in New Mexico)
as well as a bunch of other accomplishments

His credentials sound good on paper, and the 6 people I discovered has good outcomes. One lady who I personally contacted had twins and at the time she did hers in 2007, he had performed 32 in total.
He has been placing the TAC since 1990, when one of his employees/nurses had an Incompetent Cervix - she went on to have her child/children with no problems. His success rate as of 2007, was 100% (not sure of the latest). He has been doing the LAP TAC since 2007.
He is in network and I am waiting on a response from D. I asked her to please ensure that if I find a Dr. in network, that it will be approved. Now that I think about it, I better call myself tomorrow morning.

My sister is telling me to get a loan, but I refuse to take out a loan and pay interest for the next 15-30 years on a procedure that should be covered because it is medically necessary.

So, we will see what tomorrow brings. I am really disheartened and upset with the school board. I am going the hear this Dr. out, and then make a decision from there.

Where is my expected end?

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Mother Will Fight for Her Child

Thanks for the comments ladies! I have not used the response yet, but I am sure I will soon.

I am thinking about making a dessert for dh and myself for Thanksgiving. One requirement, it must be easy to make. Any ideas?

I am a week away from AJ's angelversary. Every time I think about it, I break out into a sweat (literally). It does not help that I would have been full term and expecting Evan any day now. I know this week is going to be especially hard for me. If you would all please remember AJ with me this Sunday, I would really appreciate it.

One of our blog sisters recently posted about snowflakes and how they can be compared to our babies. Please check Mattie's blog when you get a chance.

I am always amazed at the amount of women who experience loss and the fact that Dr.'s don't talk about it often. Throughout my pregnancies, none of the Dr.'s I saw spoke about the possibility of losing our babies. Of course, I am sure they want to preserve our innocence, but I think it would be better if they at least be "real" with us and let us know of the possibilities.
I remember reading the book "what to expect when expecting" and the "bad stuff", the complications, are all at the back of the book. In my opinion, they should be at the front, so that we all know that pregnancies can come with complications, and that not all pregnancies end up with a bouncing baby. I remember reading the book from cover to cover several times, but I never thought any of those things would happen to me. Especially living in a time when there are so many advancements in medicine.
If I could write my own book, it would be titled, "Pregnancy: Not always a Bed of Roses".

Knowing that all these complications can occur, our natural instinct is still to fight for our children. Why else would be lay on our backs for months, just to give our babies a chance? Why else would we stick stuff up our vajayjay's or stick ourselves over and over? Why else would we drown our organs by drinking gallons of water daily? We are fighting for our children.
This is even more so when we get a devastating diagnosis from the Dr.'s who tell us our pregnancies are not viable or our little ones will not survive after birth? Why else do we choose not to terminate and live on hope, faith, and prayers? Why else do we put our lives in jeopardy and risk infection or even life threatening sepsis? We will always fight for our children - no matter if the outcome looks bleak, we will do whatever it takes.

Because we have experienced loss or even multiple losses, this instinct only gets stronger. With the courage that we have, we move forward armed with knowledge that the next time (and trust me there will be a next time) we will, I will, do whatever it takes to protect my babies.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Rising Above

The therapist that I spoke to said that I have to change the way the things that people say affect me, as well as how I respond to them. I have been really thinking about this and I have come up with a response. tell me what you think.

"I know my situation makes you uncomfortable, and you don't know what to say or how to respond, but thank you for your concern and just keep me in your prayers" (all the while saying in my head SCREW YOU).

What do you think? Is that "appropriate" enough?

Where is my expected end?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Update and Counselor Info

Well, in order to not "go off" on D., I had my friend call. My friend Monica, works in customer service and always gets results. She called D., and after speaking to her discovered that all 65 pages have been faxed to the insurance company. Monica asked her if every paper got there, and she said she is sure it did, otherwise they would have called her. I am going to call K, tomorrow or Monday to make sure they got all the documents they needed.
Thanks for the prayers and well wishes ladies, keep them coming!

I checked Travel.ocity today, and the prices have decreased! hey are now $412 total, nonstop, round trip. I have decided that I am buying them on Monday after I speak to the insurance company. What do you think?

I also went to the therapist today and after relaying the entire ordeal with my babies, and the drama that has since ensued, my feelings were validated. nothing is wrong with me and I am a strong individual and I am handling it very well. However, she could tell that the people around me are causing me anxiety and stress. She said in their mind, they are trying to help, but it does not seem that way to me. In fact, I told her they were busybodies. She said as someone who is grieving, I have a tough job. Not only do I have to make people comfortable around me, but I have to teach them how to react and what to say and not to say.
She states that my responses to these "so-called well-intentioned" individuals is brusque, and she would recommended that I speak to a therapist in order to change how their "advice" affects me.
She said even though I am the same Marie, the recent events spur people to take a second look. She used the analogy of the old man who always sits on the porch. Once his wife died, people no longer remember that he sat on the porch before she died. All they can think of now is, "the poor old man is sitting on the porch is lonely". This is the same with me holding the babies in church.
She also said people react to cues. At home, I can be me and my dh can see my cues and know how to react. However, in public, I don't give off any cues and people don't know how I feel, so they don't know how to react.
She was quite helpful, and shed some light. I am actually happy that I went. Thanks ladies!

So, I am not going to therapy because I am having problems handling my grief, I am going to therapy because of the people around me who are stressing me out and causing anxiety! The therapist is going to teach me how to react appropriately when these people approach me - after all I cant tell everybody to "buzz off".

I came across this quote today that got me thinking. I am the master of my faith, and the captain of my soul. Only I can determine how long and how I should grieve. Only I can make the decision to put the pictures away, and only I can facilitate my ultimate healing.

Where is my expected end?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Losing Hope in Dr.'s Office

Really??????? I am soooo ready for this week to be over! I am frustrated, disappointed, and losing hope. I have accepted that maybe I won't be doing the TAC in December. Of course, this realization sparks me into a panic attack every time I think about it.

I called D. toady and asked her the status of my file, did she hear anything, etc. To my amazement (actually it was more a fulfillment of my expectations because I knew of her incompetence), the file was still on her desk!!!!! (picture me freaking out here, steam and smoke coming out my ears, and my tongue starts flying - when I get mad, I speak extra fast). I immediately let her have it. I reminded her that this procedure is being done thousands of miles away, and I have to pay for the tickets, make accommodations and so on. I also reminded her of the date she got my file - September 4th - and the fact that it is still on her desk. I also reminded her that the closer it is to the holidays is the more expensive the fares get. I also expressed my disappointment that there is no sense of urgency at that office and when this is all over, I am taking my records and my business elsewhere. I also said to her that if seeing my dead babies pictures and urns would light a fire under her ass, and if I were her kid, would she still give me the same treatment.

After my tirade, and I use this term loosely, she said in a monotone voice, "oh. well I will just send off what I have then. I know they are going o call me about it, but I will send it. Oh I still have to find your medical chart." This is from a lady that told me several times she was going to send it off. Frankly I am getting tired off the run around. Too bad it is too late to switch Dr.'s.

Needless to say I am livid, but losing hope. If the TAC is rescheduled, I am going to have to take two weeks off work, unpaid for the recovery period. I am calling again tomorrow to see if she did send it off - if she did not, I am going to demand to speak to the office manager or someone in charge.

Ladies, what would you do?

Where is my expected end?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

True Life

Psalm 37:25 (New International Version)
I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.

I was watching True.Life recently, and it featured individuals who are homeless. Through all my pain and drama, I am reminded how fortunate I am. All it can take is the loss of a job to land anyone in this situation. Today I am thankful.

I am thankful for:
1. A place I can call home
2. Life
3. Family
4. That I know my savior
5. A job I love
6. My blog family who accept, love and support me through everything
7. For the time I had with my babies
8. Food (oh how I miss eating bread)
9. Options (TAC) when others have limited options
10. The few friends I have in real life

What are you thankful for?

Where is my expected end?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My Actions are Justified

Thanks ladies for all the wonderful comments and words of support. I seriously felt all you hugs! I did get my hug, though it was mixed with sleep breath and mumbles.

I spoke to a dear friend tonight who also lost two precious babies who gave me some great advice. She said, "Marie, your actions are justified". She is right! Even if I decided to throw a fit, my actions are justified! I lost two babies! TWO! Losses like these are imaginable, and some people are barely able to breathe, let alone go to work! I can do whatever the hell I want! If someone does not like it - stuff it!

Bluebird left a comment about only being able to hang up her babies feet and hands. Though her words were telling me her heart, she made me realize that we all react differently. We go through the same thing, but how we react is different (thanks Bluebird!). For many women, looking at the babies hurts to the core, but for some, their feet, hands, or even faces bring comfort. Looking at my babies reminds me how beautiful they are and just how perfect God made them. My friend also said she talks about her children as if they were here. Not because they are not here does not mean that they should not be spoken of (thanks Tonya!) I am going to always talk about my babies - if they don't like it, again - stuff it!

I know going to a counselor can be a therapeutic thing - and I never want to minimize that. However, I equate going to a counselor as needing to go to a counselor. I admire those who go, as it takes courage to sit there and bare your heart to someone and put your trust in them. I have always resisted the thought of going to one because I don't think I need one. That being said, with all the pressure that I have been getting, I have decided to get a "risk assessment" done to see if a counselor would benefit me. The school board provides Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) for teachers. A risk assessment is done first, and then the employee is matched up with the appropriate help if needed. Maybe this will shut people up if my rick is low, or who knows? I might discover something that I am not seeing. I prefer getting "advice" from people who have been in my shoes (namely all of you) than "self-proclaimed" psychiatrists.
My appointment is Friday so, I will keep you all posted.

No news on the insurance front. It is 4 weeks tomorrow until my TAC. I will be calling again tomorrow to see if D did her part, she was out today. Hopefully she did, because if she didn't, I am going to let her know how displeased I am.

Holly sent me some beautiful pictures that came at a time when I needed them the most. I remarked to her, how strangers (not that you are strangers to me) can love and cherish my babies, and those around me in real life, can't even do that. Thanks Holy! You guys are really the best. What would I do without all of you? Keep me in your prayers.

Where is my expected end?

Monday, November 16, 2009


Thank you for all the wonderful comments and book suggestion. I have been going to that church for the past 9 years. I am extremely sad and disheartened today. I keep asking God, why the hell did I have to be the one to go through this? I have even gone as far as wanting to just give up. Frankly, I am tired of being strong and defending my actions to others. It is as if they want me to pretend that nothing happened and these babies did not exist.

I will NEVER move on. They are my babies. I carried them for 19+ and 20+ weeks. How can I forget my own flesh and blood? How can I pretend that they existed? If I have to remember them on my own, that is what I will do. I will always keep them close to my heart. If this is the only place I can talk about them, then this is where they will be remembered and treasured.

Through this whole fiasco, my sister posted something on her status that got the church members in an uproar. Somehow this filtered down to dh and he and my sister had a huge fight, which somehow filtered down to me. So in addition to already feeling crappy and less of a woman, dh and I are not speaking. He is leaving tomorrow for a week and a half and this is not how I envisioned his last day here. To say it has been a crappy day is an understatement.

I do not know why people insist on offering advice. They may think it comforts, but it does the opposite. It makes me feel as if something is wrong with me, which in turn makes me feel useless. It is one of those days where I need a hug and no one is there to give it to me. I don't think they really understand that I already battle with feelings of guilt and sadness. They simply just pile it on.
I have turned off my phone and have deleted all the church people off my account. I really cannot take this anymore. Do I need counseling? I did not think so, but after this I might need it because of all these people. I even remarked to hubby this morning that this is why I don't show sadness. When I do, people look at me like I have two horns on my head.

For Alyssa-Joy's birthday, I will be celebrating by myself sing dh will be out of town anyway. I am also checking out of thanksgiving. I cannot go around my family and pretend everything is fine when that day is what started the chain of events that led to me losing AJ.
I have never battled depression, but right now, it might be in the near future if I have to keep putting up with crap like this.

Where is my expected end?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Why does nobody understand?

I have come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. Tonight I went to Youth Service and My Pastor says he wants to speak to Larry and Me.

He started off saying that nobody came to him, he is speaking from the heart. Instead of boring you with the specifics, in a nutshell he said I must seek a counselor, and having the babies pictures up is unhealthy and I must move on.
Then he went on to say that when his daughter lost her two how he saw her one day looking at the pictures and crying her eyes out. How even to this day they don't mention "them" because they don't want to bring up any "bad" memories.
He also said that I should basically stop holding other peoples children because that does not help either.

Why do people insist on making me feel worse? Why do people insist on making me think something is wrong with me?? Let us just pretend that nothing happened and my babies, excuse me "them" did not even exist.

What the hell is wrong with my life and where is my bloody expected end??

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Any Ideas?

Alyssa-Joy's angelversary is approaching (November 29th). Already, I am dreading that day as well as the days prior that started the chain of devastating events. Simply thinking about these dates throws me into extreme anxiety.
I am going to do the traditional balloon release, but I want to do something unique as well. Any suggestions?

Where is my expected end?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Are You Serious????????????

I am beyond annoyed right now. Beyond frustrated. I am P.I.S.S.E.D.
D, at my primary Dr.'s office has been saying she has been having a hard time getting N. at Dr. D.'s office. Well, I called and got her within 24 hours. N. said she already gave the information to D., but if she wants it again, she will gladly fax it over. N. also said that D mentioned to her that she needed a letter saying it is a medically necessary procedure. Now I am no idiot, I said to N., that doing that is not feasible due to the fact that I am not a patient of Dr. D. He has never seen me throughout any of my pregnancies. She agreed.

I called back D., and relayed the message to her. I also asked her about Dr. D. having to write a letter saying that the procedure is medically necessary. She said yes, she did say that. I told her that there is no way Dr. D., could do that as he is not my Dr. I have never seen him nor has he ever treated me. Her response? "oh. Well, then when she faxes the paper over I will submit it to the insurance".
Needless to say, I am not convinced she is doing an adequete job, and I am very nervous it is going to get denied, because of someone so incompetent. I will definitely be calling her back on Monday to ensure that she submitted the claim.

Ladies, please pray that this all works out and I stay sane and saved at the same time, and not go off on anyone.

Where is my expected end?

Thursday, November 12, 2009


I am veeeerrrrrryyyyy frustrated with my primary care Dr.'s office. D., he lady who submits the request for approval is frankly getting on my nerves. I called yesterday and left a message and she finally got around to calling me this afternoon.
I explained to her the reason for my call. I wanted to get an update on the status of my file as air fare is low right now and I want to take advantage of the prices until they skyrocket.

Much to my amazement, she still has my file! She said she is still waiting on N, Dr. D.'s assistant to send the following info to her.
1.) Name of procedure
2.) Procedure code
3.) Diagnosis code
4.) Facility Tax ID (hospital)
5.) Dr.D.'s full name, tax id, and facility ID

Let me point out, that at my consult with my Dr, I gave her all this information. I reminded her of it, but she wants the info to come from Dr. D.'s office. I am so frustrated! I immediately e-mailed Dr. D and relayed the info to him. I will be calling N, myself tomorrow and beg her to fax it over to D.

With all this running around, this better get approved! Ticket prices right now for hubby and I are $548.12 (roundtrip, nonstop), it cannot get better than this. What do you think? Should I buy it anyway?

Where is my expected end?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

He Pulled Me Through

When I was drowning, when I was so confused, He pulled me through.

I am married to the best guy in the entire world. When I feel like giving up, he encouraged me. When I could not go on, he coached me on. God really knew when he put us together that he was making the perfect fit. I could not go on without this man.
I love you baby! This song is for you. You helped pull me through.

Where is my expected end?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Isaiah 40:29 - He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

We are all truly a group of courageous women! It is courage why we brush the seat of our pants, and jump on the TTC wagon again. It is courage why we think of even having other children. It is courage why we refuse to give up. It is courage why we educate ourselves even though that knowledge can scare us. It is courage why we try every means necessary to have the family we desire.
I used to think of myself as a coward, but now I know it is not so. I am afraid of needles, but I had two spinals and an epidural. I am afraid of pain, but I went through labor twice. I am afraid of another loss, but I am willing to jump back on the horse and try again. This my friend is courage.
After all that we have been through, we have all come out even more courageous than we started out. I can only attribute this new trait to our Savior. I also grudgingly accept that I had to lose two babies in order to realize it.

I am reminded that I am not alone, and he will give me the strength to be courageous and overcome all adversities. What an amazing God.

Where is my expected end?

Monday, November 9, 2009

Forgive Me

My heart aches tonight. Not for my babies, but for all my sisters who are battling infertility. I never know what to say when I meet someone who is trying their hardest to conceive. Do I say, "I'm sorry"? Do I say "Keep the faith"? "Do I say it will happen for you"?
Today, I met another woman who is battling with infertility - secondary infertility to be exact. She has a 7 year old and has been trying for 5 years to give her son a sibling. This woman has just about given up and has accepted that she will only have one child. She considered IVF, but thinks it is not guaranteed. She is a Uniques Aide for one of my students and she is tender and lovng with not just her personal charge, but with all the students she assists when in my classroom. Just seeing how wonderful she is with the children breaks my heart. What do I say? What can I do?

It seems that after losing two babies, I am more in tune with others. I sense their pain and want to do something about it but cannot, as I have no idea what to do.
I went to a seminar tonight and my Assistant Principal and another co-worker were talking. My AP had IVF to help conceive. She told me that when she went in to implant the eggs, the Dr. told her only one was of good quality. She was depressed during the two week wait, but thankfully, it resulted in a healthy baby. She also informed me of how expensive it was ($15,000 for her).
I cam home tonight and I reflected on the many times I commented how "damn fertile" I was, and thought how insensitive of me. Not knowing that she was going through it and still had these feelings even though she has her rainbow baby. She stated that though she is grateful for her son, her heart still aches for the children she may never have.
I also thought about all of you, my wonderful support system and how some of you are struggling.
If I have ever said something insensitive, please forgive me. It is never my intention to drive the knife a little deeper. If It were as easy as giving you a few of my eggs, I would. I love you all and appreciate you that much. When you hurt, I hurt. I pray for all of you daily.
I am going to go to my AP tomorrow and will apologize foe anything I may have said in the past that was insensitive. Please help me out here. It seems I am always meeting someone who battles this "disease". If you battle this condition, what is is that you dislike hearing from others? I would love to know, so I never stick my foot in my mouth.

Where is my expected end?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Tentative Plans While Waiting

I call them tentative, because God's time is not my time. I will have my TAC (hopefully) done in December. Hubby does not even want to wait a whole year like I was planning (again, there I go with the planning). He wants to start trying again as soon as we get the green light. As for me, I am still praying about it.
In the meantime, I have compiled a list of things to get done while waiting for God's will. I can plan all I want, but He has the final say.

1.) Get fit (I still have the 20lb baby weight that I never lost)
2.) Pay off our one Credit Card (Thankfully it is not much)
3.) Refinance my car, and get a lower payment
4.) Begin house hunting
5.) Research options (rent the condo or sell it)
7.) Eat healthier (I LOVE white bread)
8.) Go back to school (starting in the Spring)
9.) Start and complete my National Boards
10.)Find affordable insurance for Newborns (the cost for putting a child on my own is astronomical!)
11.) Stop thinking of everything that can go wrong and focus on the positive
12.) Pray more
13.) Read mY Bible more
14.) Show appreciation to my husband more
15.) Work on further strengthening our Marriage (It never hurts to draw closer to each other more)

Again, these are tentative. Who knows what the Lord has in store, but I welcome it with open arms.

Where is my expected end?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

If You Have Nothing To Say........

Why do people think hey always know the right thing to say? Do they not think before they speak? Do they reflect on what they say after they have said it?
Unfortunately, I was not blessed with the greatest of inlaws, but they are all christians and think they know it all. Face.Book is a great social network, but it can be a curse as well. We all know that FB gives us the opportunity to express what we are doing or how we are feeling at the moment. We are free to put whatever we want on our page, because it is our page, and frankly if people don't want o read or see whe we have put up, they can click the X a the top of the page and log off.

I posted this on my status yesterday: Marie W is thinking of stepping out on faith and buying those plane tickets even though the insurance co. has not called me back. Hmmm.
My SIL responds with: "IS" the "SUBSTANCE" of "THINGS" hoped 4! When ur going after it just remember that's the same faith that can get u ur healing! Love u sis!
We have had the discussion of "healing" several times. I know that God answers prayers and is able to change the very impossible. I have been witness to it, I have seen it, and it has happened in my life several times. When he heals and steps in, my faith is renewed a thousand times more. We are aware as well, that he does not always answer prayers in the way we want him to. He will eventually answer your prayer, but it may be in a way that will be a blessing to us, and a blessing to his glory.
When faced with the knowledge that we may lose our babies, we pray without ceasing. The entire time that I was on bedrest, I prayed healing over my cervix several times a day. It may take years for me to understand why he did not answer my prayer, but I know he did what was best,
Saying this, I prayed for healing and it did not happen. I have accepted that my eventual healing is going to take some other form aka TAC. My SIL is adamant that all I have to do is pray and the Lord will heal if I only have faith. I did have faith, but no healing came.
Does this mean, I did not pray enough? Does this mean I did not have enough faith?

People need to make sure that they are aware of every situation before they jump to conclusions. I know the comment was not meant maliciously, but do not say that to a bereaved parent who prayed often when pregnant. I know I may be reading too much into it, but for some reason this comment aggravated me.

Sorry if I am rambling. I just had to get it out.

Where is my expected end?

Friday, November 6, 2009

Secret Garden Meeting -October

October's meeting is a little late. Two of the moderators have either given birth or is about to give birth.

Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.
So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Well, it has been 11 months, 1 week and 1 day since we lost Alyssa-Joy, and 3 months, 1 week and 5 days since we lost Evan. Some days I am ok, and other days the grief hits me like a Semi lowing into a tree. When I think I am almost over it, a new wave of grief hits me. I thought it would have gotten easier after the second loss, but in fact t has gotten worse.
Experts outline the stages of grief, but we all know grief does not follow a pattern. I never experienced denial, but go from accepting it to back to feeling guilty.

I do not know what the future holds, but I do hope the pain becomes bearable. In fact, I know I know it will be. When that will be, I don't know, but it will happen.
I have found some peace. I know who my redeemer is, and I know he desires good for me. I also know where my babies are. They are in a place where they will never feel pain, or experience hurt and disappointment. They are resting in the arms of our Savior, and being spoiled by their grandmother. I look forward to seeing them again.
I don't think I will ever have total peace until I meet my babies again, but I have the peace he gives me.

Where is my expected end?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I believe

I have been thinking about Psalm 37:4 lately. So simple, yet profound and reminds me of his promises.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I know when many people have experienced loss or struggle to conceive, they wonder if this scripture rings true. When I lost AJ and Evan, I doubted this scripture. I was mad at God (I did not hate him though) and angry that he did not keep his word. I still struggle with this today. Thank God I am not perfect and as my sister tells me often; he can handle it.
After the second loss, I asked myself' "why did he not fulfill this desire? Am I not worth it? Do I not deserve to have happiness?" How is it that the women who are not the best, are the ones who quickly get pregnant and carry to term with no problems? When I say women, I am referring to the ones that abuse drugs, their children, their bodies, and intentionally mistreat the children they have. Why is it that if he will fulfill the desires of my heart, do I have to struggle so much? That I have to worry and fret? That I can only look longingly at pregnant bellies and newborn babies? Why? Why? Why?

Even though I think these thoughts daily, I still know that he desires good for me. I see the everyday blessing that I have. My supportive husband, my wonderful family, a job I love, blessings on every side. I have to believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart. I reflect and remind myself that the road to my expected end may be filled with problems, road blocks,and detours, but with perseverance, faith, and keeping my eyes on the prize, I will get there.
Though the pain is unbearable and it hurts to no end, I KNOW that if these desires came without road blocks, I would not be as appreciative or be the best mom. I would not be the wife I am, the daughter I am, or the sister I am. I would never have known how awesome my husband is, or what a wonderful family I have. I would also never know who my REAL friends are.
Because I have experienced great loss, I already appreciate and look forward to what will be. One day, I know he will give me peace. It may not be today or tomorrow, but someday. He will not let me live my entire life without fulfilling my greatest desire.

I know he is preparing me for something great. When that will be, I never know - it is all in his timing. All I can do (since it is out of my control) is to trust him wholly. No one knows that this is harder to do that myself, but I am going to try my hardest to leave it up to him.
I have friends who are struggling to conceive. If I can leave anything with them, all I can say is, it is coming. When? I have no idea. Part of my stepping out on faith is preparing myself for what is to be - I hope you do the same. I am waiting on my future children and while waiting, I am getting things ready for them. I have started getting my finances in order (paying off credit card bills -thankfully it is not much) putting up my Condo for rent and looking for a house, buying Christmas stockings that read "our soon to be", researching insurance options and so on.

I tell him daily what that desire is and pray over it. I wrote this desire on a post-it note and stuck it in my Bible (I will share this in another post). Every time I go to read my Bible, I will see it and it will remind me to pray without ceasing. After all, isn't this how I got my husband?
In 2004 I decided that I would stop dating mindlessly. I decided that if I were going to date someone, he would be the one I would marry. I attended a Singles Conference and the speaker reminded us to tell God what we wanted.
During that conference, I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote the things I wanted in a husband (I will share that list another day). I kept it there and I prayed over it every time I read my Bible. This list kept me on the straight and narrow, especially when I felt lonely. While waiting on the man who would be my husband, I prepared myself. I finished my degree, got a Masters, got my finances in order, paid off my car, and bought our Condo. I kept myself busy and close to God. Before you know it, he brought this wonderful man in my life when I least expected it.
I told you this story to say, I believed then, and I will believe now.

This is me believing and stepping out on faith. I encourage you all to do the same. I choose to believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart. Continue to keep me in your prayers ladies, and I will do the same.

Where is my expected end?