Thursday, December 31, 2009

2010 - The Year of Promises

I know two posts in one day, but I did not want to go into 2010 without declaring and decreeing what kind of year it *will* be for me. Habbakuk 2:2 talks about the just living by faith. Then the LORD answered me and said: “ Write the vision and make it plain on tables, that he may run that readeth it.

I am claiming 2010 as the year of promise. 2008 and 2009 brought some wonderful events as well as some devastating ones.
Jan 2008 - I Married my wonderful hubby.
June 2008 -lumps were found and thus began the anxiety ridden ordeal of testing, stopping birth control and ruling out Cancer.
August 2008 - I found out I was expecting.
October - Found out that we were expecting a baby girl!
November 2008 - Found out I was fully dilated and went on to deliver my sweetheart, simply too early to survive.

February 2009 - Jumped on the TTC bandwagon.
March 2009 - Found out we were expecting again.
May 2009 - preventative vaginal cerclage done.
June 2009 - Went on strict bedrest (modified was suggested) and found out we were having a baby boy!.
July 2009 - Emergency cerclage done, and eventually delivered a second angel.

Has yet to be written or fulfilled, but I am already claiming it as my season! As 2009 ends, I am leaving behind bitterness. I am leaving behind heart wrenching, kick you in the gut grief. I am leaving behind toxic friendships. I am leaving behind broken relationships and petty bickering. I am leaving behind the opinions of people who "think" they know best even though they have never walked in my shoes. I am leaving behind the old Marie and the label of "that girl who lost her babies". I am leaving behind anxiety and worry.
Instead, I am embracing love. I am embracing health. I am embracing peace. I am embracing the sweet memories of my babies. I am embracing the fact that I got to know them no matter how short their time with me was. I am embracing the few real friends that I have in my corner. I am embracing the wonderful family and support system that I have (those far and near, in my real life, and in my blog life). I am embracing change. I am embracing his promises for me. I am embracing healing. I am embracing positive thinking and good thoughts.

I refuse to enter a new decade as the old Marie. The new Marie will be one that loves hard. The new Marie will no longer be scared to try new things or persevere inspite of. The new Marie will give HOPE, one......more......try. The new Marie will be bolder, stronger. The new Marie will take charge of her own destiny, and make the vision plain. The new Marie will hold our Savior to His Promises.

He promised that He will fulfill the desires of our hearts.

Deuteronomy 1:11
The LORD God of your fathers make you a thousand times so many more as ye are, and bless you, as he hath promised you!
Matthew 14:7
Whereupon he promised with an oath to give her whatsoever she would ask.
Romans 9:9
For this is the word of promise, At this time will I come, and Sarah shall have a son.

He promised that His word is sure.
Psalm 105:42
For he remembered his holy promise, and Abraham his servant.
Jeremiah 32:42
For thus saith the LORD; Like as I have brought all this great evil upon this people, so will I bring upon them all the good that I have promised them.
2 Corinthians 1:20
For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.
Galatians 4:28
Now we, brethren, as Isaac was, are the children of promise.

He promised that His promises will always be fulfilled.
Jeremiah 33:14
Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will perform that good thing which I have promised unto the house of Israel and to the house of Judah.
Hebrews 6:15
And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.
2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.
1 John 2:25
And this is the promise that he hath promised us, even eternal life.

He says he will fulfill His promises as long as we believe those promises.
2 Corinthians 7
Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.
Galatians 3:22
But the scripture hath concluded all under sin, that the promise by faith of Jesus Christ might be given to them that believe.
Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;)
Hebrews 10:36
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

As a new year approaches, I pray this prayer for all of us.

Lord, we thank you for the past two years. Though they were some trying ones that left us broken, wounded, devastated, we have realized how strong we are. We have realized that with you we CAN do all things. We realize that the kind of women we are, the kinds of families and support system we have. We realized how much you must have loved your own son, that you gave him up, so that we might have life. We realize that the same way we grieved for our babies must have been the same way you grieved for your son. We thank you that we got to know these precious gifts, though we are sad that they are not present with us in body, we are grateful that they are with you. Most of all we are grateful that we have hope. We are grateful that we will be able to see them again when you call us home. We are grateful that we have such great hope in you.

Lord, your word continually charges us to have faith, and what the result WILL be of that faith. Lord, you tell us to prove you, to fleece you, to put our hope and trust in you. Lord, though we know it may be hard, because we feel as though you let us down, we know that you do not love us any less for feeling this way. We know it makes you hug us even closer, we know it causes you to give us space until we are ready to run back to your loving arms.

As 2010 approaches, let us go into the new year armed with your armor. Armed with the knowledge that you have allowed us to acquire after our losses. Armed with even greater faith, gusto, and strength. Armed with boldness, Armed with your love, Armed with praises on our lips. Lord we declare and decree that 2010 be your year of Promise. Lord, we are holding you to that promise. Your word tells us that if we hold steadfast without wavering, the promise will be fulfilled. We claim victory in 2010. 2010 will be year that will see praise for you coming from our lips. 2010 will see healthy full term babies being born. 2010 will be a miraculous year, as we see "infertiles" conceiving. 2010 will be the year of your promises fulfilled.

Lord, we know we will also see heartaches, loss of jobs, homes, loved ones, but we face these future challenges with you by our sides, ready to lift us up before we fall. We will allow you in 2010 to dry our tears and allay our fears. We will develop an even greater relationship with you in 2010, that when our grief threatens to consume us, we know you will be waiting in the wings.

2010 is our season. Ecclesiastes 3: sates that to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. Well, 2010 is our season! It is the year where your glory will be seen, and others will see how great you are. Our lives will be testimonies to you, that will draw others closer to your love.

As we enter into our season, we hold you to your promise, we embrace your promise, and we give glory and thanks before we even see it, and at the end of it, your name shall still be called blessed.

2010 will yield my expected end.

Christmas Day Recap

December 25th started out okay. I go up said my prayers, wished all of you peace, and started making my famous salad and *tried* to make Cake Balls for our family get together. I said tried, because I could not find the almond bark anywhere and tried to substitute it with melted chocolate chips - to sum it up, they are still sitting on my dining room table. I do not like making people eat something that I would not eat myself. That should have been the first sign about the kind of day it was going to be.

My dad was out of town for his brothers wedding, so my step-mother decided to invite her family to our yearly "all day event". My sisters and my step-moms family are not close at all, so already it was a little awkward, regardless, we decided to put our differences aside for my step-mother. We had an 11:00 brunch, played games and hung around the house, and dinner and dessert at 6:00.
In order to not bore you with the specifics, it was a SUCKY day! There were babies everywhere! There was a little girl the exact age Alyssa-Joy would have been, a baby boy, the same age Evan would have been, a newly pregnant girl, as well as a heavily pregnant girl. For the most part, I avoided them, but with an all day event, I could not just shut myself away in the guest room, as I did not want anyone to think I was being deliberately rude. It was an okay day, but sucky nonetheless as it reminded me of what should have been.
*Sorry there are no pictures. Dh *borrowed" my camera and left it at work. My sister took some pictures and I am still waiting on them,even though I have asked her to send them to me several times.

My step-kids have been here for the past week as well. They are 10, and 12 (preteens really) and it has been interesting to say the least. They are moody and quite rude. I have had to put them in their place several times. Hubby was at work, so it was left up to me to entertain them. Keeping them in the house would have been brutal, so I found several cost-efficient things for them to do. Entertaining them is tough. A few years ago it was easy, now they have their own ideas about things they want to do, and none of those things are similar.
One more thing, they fight like cats and dogs! I do not remember my siblings and I fighting like that. Every time I turned around, they were at it, and I don't just mean bickering back and forth, I mean bit** slapping each other. I can say I am exhausted! My house is a mess, the carpets are going to have to be cleaned, things are ripped, and my white cushioned formal dining room chairs are ruined. I keep telling myself, at least they had fun, but jeez! Is this what I have to look forward to when my own kids become teenagers? Lol.
They leave on Saturday, but their dad is off, so he is on kid duty and I am locked away in my bedroom with a cup of tea.....finally breathing......again.

I got my necklace that I won from Bree, and my angel ornament from Mrs.A.. Ladies you are the best! I cried when I got them, and every time I look at them, I tear up. I love and appreciate the fact that others love and treasure the memories of my babies as much as I do. I will post pictures tomorrow when I get my camera from hubby's office.

Where is my expected end?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Just dropping in.....

Hello Gang!

From reading all your posts, I can see that most of us had a peaceful Christmas, and for those of us who had a hard time, all I can do is send you a big cyber hug. When I got up that morning to say my prayers, I prayed for all of you and wished you some measure of peace.

My step children are here this week (more on that in another post), so I have been mostly out and about playing chauffeur and entertainer while dh is at work. Let me just say that the teenage years are oh so fun (can you see the sarcasm dripping off my lips??).

I will be able to catch you up on my Christmas experience, items I won during the 25 Days of Christmas Giveaway, and some things I have discovered. Just taking a few minutes to let you all know all is well, and I am thinking about you all!

Where is my expected end?

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas.....

..... from our family to yours.

I stepped on the scale this morning, and I gained 2 freaking pounds. Going to the gym 7 days a week and eating right for two months did not pay off. Bah humbug!

Where is my expected end?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Beautiful Blogger Award

Alana nominated me for The Beautiful Blogger award. Thanks Alana!
Simple rules, as these things go. Post seven things about myself, and pass the award along to seven beautiful bloggers.

7 Random Things About Me
1. I have a "Type A" personality. Everything must be a certain way. As a teacher, I even refuse to take interns until January, because I want to set up my classroom and establish rules and procedures without any input or interference. My friend came to help me at the beginning of the school year and the next day I redid everything she did. The contents in my refrigerator must be a certain way. Milk on a certain shelf, vegetables in a certain area, butter in a certain spot, labels facing outward...... you get the picture. It drives dh crazy! :-)

2.) I am a worrier. I now worry about everything! This only came about after losing my babies. I actually wake up in the middle of the night to rest my hand on DH's chest to make sure he is still breathing. I am afraid of losing him along with my babies.

3.) I cannot make fried chicken or white rice. Sad, I know. I can make everything else, lasagna, fried rice, lamb, pork chops, tenderloin, beef, brown rice and beans, but my fried chicken never comes out right, and my rice is always overdone. Hubby cannot understand how I can make a perfect brown rice, but when it comes to white rice, I am hopeless. I can do fried chicken wings, but I cannot fry chicken legs, thighs, breasts. Go ahead, you have my permission to laugh.

4.) I dislike my IL (I have to talk in codes are, because you never know who is reading. Don't worry, the feeling is mutual. MIL never came to my wedding, refuses to speak directly to me, I never get invited to their events (only dh), but are quite comfortable to ask for money. We do not get along, in fact, I stay away from them. They made up their mind not to like me and stuck with it. I stopped trying after a year. After all, I do not need their approval for anything.

5.) I am obsessed with shoes. I know, what woman isn't. I must say, I surpass the normal woman. I have so many, hubby has no space in the closet. There are boxes on the top shelf, bottom shelf, middle shelf, under the bed, dresser (yup, I made them fit there), in the hallway closet, everywhere. On a given day, I have 3 -4 pairs in my car. Hey, you never know when you might break a heel, right?. And what if I feel like changing throughout the day? Halfway through the day, I might discover that my shoes don't match (see, I told you it was an unhealthy obsession). I choose my shoes first, and then coordinate an outfit. I hate shopping for clothes, but I can spend all day in a shoe store. Oh, and where shoes are concerned, money is no object.

6.) I am beyond frugal (except when it comes to shoes). I clip coupons for everything! Even going to buy fast food. Just last Saturday we went to (last minute decision), and I was pissed because I had a buy one, get one free coupon at home. I could have saved $!0! A typical grocery bill for 2 weeks usually runs about $80, and even that is too expensive for me. I am always looking for a way to cut costs and expenses. I buy store brand items (this is only when I leave hubby at home. If he comes with me, forget it - he prefers brand name items, when I go alone, he has no say, and hey when I get home its too late to return it right?). When the gas in my car is running low, I drive 5-8 miles below the speed limit, roll the windows down, and try to avoid stepping on the brakes too often - all in an effort to extend the gas. Hubby hates this and actually sneaks out when I am unaware and puts gas in my car. Needless to say when I find out, I am fuming. Yes, I am really cheap.

7.) I am a nerd at heart. I wear glasses (refuse to wear contact!), I love to read, and have a soft spot for all the other nerds out there. I took me a few years to come into my own as a teenager. Imagine a tall, skinny, gangly arms, huge glasses, pimply face teenager. That was me. I would show you a picture, but I would not want to scare anyone, plus you never know whose reading! This way I am safe from blackmail :-).

Seven people I nominate for this award. (I can only nominate seven, so I will try to nominate people I have not nominated in the past, but to all my readers consider consider yourself nominated!)

1.) Bree at My Baby Butterfly
Bree has a beautiful heart, and makes these amazing butterflies for angel moms. She is currently in her 2nd pregnancy and I am amazed at her strength. Sure, she gets nervous and lets us know, but she has what I call a "quiet strength", she does not even know how strong she is just yet, and how she inspires everyone.

2.) Ali at I am a Mommy
Ali is fairly new is to the blogging community and has an awesome spirit. She perseveres despite the loss of her precious Cadynce Alice.

3.) Mrs. A at What's Cooking or Not?
Mrs. A reminds me of an "old soul". Her feelings ring through her posts. She has overcome so many obstacles, yet she remains optimistic.

4.) Holly at Caring for Carleigh
Holly is always there to lend an ear to anyone. She comments on almost every post. It was her picture of her beautiful daughter posted on her page that inspired me to post the pictures of my babies. She speaks of her daughter with such love and reverence that it touches my heart and rings a tear to my eyes each and every time.

5.) Franchesca at Handprints From Heaven
Franchesca voices exactly how I am feeling in her posts. There are days I cannot put my feelings into words, and the minute I log on to her blog, I see myself, as if I were writing those exact words. Her faith is strong and she is one tough mama!

6.) Jessica at Momma of Two Angels
Jessica is always there to help me with those damn insurance people. She has given me so much helpful advice and I am forever grateful. She is my first blog-facebook friend, and I have come to love her like a sister.

7. You!
I nominate all of you! You have no idea how you all help me during this journey. I wish I could list all of, but alas, the list would be too long. You are all an inspiration to me, and I am forever in your debt. You are there with advice when I need it, a virtual shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent, and the list goes on. Thanks for all you do!
If you haven't been tagged for this yet, and you'd like to join the fun---consider yourself nominated! :)

Where is my expected end?

Monday, December 21, 2009

....... And He Loves Them

Matthew 19:14 - But Jesus said, "Suffer little children, and forbid them not to come unto me, for of such is the kingdom of heaven".

In my quest to answer the question that plagues me daily ("why?"), I came across this scripture. As hard as it is to imagine, he loves my babies, probably more than I do. This is the man who gave his son, so that we might have life and have it more abundantly. This is the man that carries our burdens and makes our yoke easy. This is the man that weeps when we weeps, that rejoices when we rejoice, that blesses when we praise. Jesus was in Judea talking about family and the importance thereof, and children were brought unto him - innocent children, children whose parents wanted to be blessed, children who were probably in awe of this great man, and whose hearts were probably beating a mile a minute. I can imagine the smile on their faces when they were in his presence and how their hearts probably swelled. The disciples, who had not time for these children, and thought out savior had no time for them as well, rebuked them. I can see them pushing them away, I can see the annoyance on their faces. I can see the agony and anguish on the faces of the children. Some probably has a sheen of tears in their eyes. I can see the confusion in their eyes.
Jesus, in his infinite wisdom, rebuked the disciples and said "let them come unto me, for these are the children that will inherit my kingdom".

In numerous scriptures, he has shown a special kind of love to children. He wept and healed Jairus's daughter, he made them kings, he made them rulers, he prepared a special place for them. If he did that then, why would he not do that now? He states that children are his heritage (Ps.127:3).
I know I can never understand why, but his word gives me some idea. He loved my babies so much, that he brought them back to sit at his feet. He knew my pain would be great, he wept when I did, he ached when I ached. I can see the tears in his eyes as he made that difficult decision. I can see the hurt in his heart and the tremble in his hands as he called them home. I can see the love that he is bestowing upon them - twice the love - enough from him and enough from me. I can see the hope in his heart for me, I can see the plans he has for me.

He loves them. He says they are his heritage. He says that he desires good for me. As tough as this decision was for him to take my babies, I know it was made with a purpose. I may never understand, but I know that they are safe. I know they are free from hurt, pain, and sickness. I know they are with a savior that will bathe them in love and peace. I know that there is no other person (than myself and hubby ) that I would want them to be with. I know they are with the best person possible. Who else will love them like I do, but him?

As christmas approaches, my heart hurts but is joyful. I have a savior who loves me. I have a savior who sent his son to die for my sins, that I may have life MORE abundantly. As I celebrate his birth, I celebrate the births of all our babies. I can see them all this christmas with our savior loving down on us and bathing us in love. It is a tough week for all of us - those of us who are struggling to conceive and those of us who have lost. As we focus on the hurt that our heart feels, try to be still for a moment and feel the wind or snowflake that brushes our cheek - it is our babies reminding us that we are still very much a part of their lives, just as they are a part of ours. When you feel a sudden warmth in a cold room, know that it is our savior enveloping us in love. I pray for our peace this holiday season, and I am always thinking of and praying for you.

Where is my expected end?

Friday, December 18, 2009

I Love Him....

As much as my heart is broken, when I think of His goodness and his promises, my heart swells. He promises to be my Shepherd, my keeper, my comforter, my strong tower, my friend..... He has been that and more. Though I experience ups and downs, his rod and staff always comfort me, as long as I stay close to him.
As much as I miss my babies, who better to be with, and what better place to be? Dwelling in His house, means I will forever call upon and enjoy His presence, forever.

As tough as it is to understand the "whys", I am comforted knowing that he is always near and willing wrap me in his comforting arms. Like the SHepherd does to/for his sheep, he guides, leads and protects me from danger. He has made my enemies my footstools by allowing me to rise above their actions. What a great hope to have....... I really do love Him.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd, He makes me lie in pastures green
He leadeth me beside quiet water, that wash over me.
Though I will walk in the shadows
His rod and His staff comfort me
And I will recline at a table, in the presence of my enemies.
Surely, Goodness and mercy will follow me
And I will dwell in the house of the lord, close by His side, I will abide in His lovingkindness, FOREVER

Where is my expected end?

Monday, December 14, 2009

I Did Not Know My Own Strength

I saw the therapist last Thursday and I must say, though it was good to go, it did not help me in any way, shape or form. She did help me realize that I cannot carry the burden of trying to educate others on how to respond to a situation such as mine. As I was telling her my story, the only word that kept coming to her lips were "how horrific". (I told you I was unique!). She remarked at the end of my story that I have a strength that surpassed that of people in their 70's and 80's. She stated that she could not believe how strong I was, and did believe that I prepared my self for the possibility of another loss.

She was horrified ( theres that word again) at my Pastor's comments and the actions of the church people. She agreed with me that they are judging me based on how his daughter reacted when she had her losses. She said to let the Pastor know that this is a personal matter and we do not need him to be involved - just to pray for us. She also asked my feelings about the church in general. I am ashamed to say that I have not been back to church since the incident. I have a strong dislike (hate is too strong of a word) in my heart. Instead of being a hypocrite and going, I have stayed home and prayed to God and asked him to rid me of these feelings. I have made up my mind to speak the pastor and let him know (in a cordial manner) exactly how his words affected me.
The therapist also stated that she does not believe that counseling would benefit me, but she is always there to talk, be a confidant, and a guide. I might go to one more session just to see and then call it quits.

As I was watching O.prah today (she was interviewing Whitney Houston), I heard the song, "I didn't know my own strength. Ladies, this song was speaking to me. I really did not know how strong I was until I experienced loss. I have realized that I can withstand (with the help of God) many things that come my way. If I can go through this, there is nothing I can't conquer.
I have learned to focus on the positive things in life, and let go of the trivial stuff. I have learned to brush my shoulders off and move on. I have learned who my true friends are, and what an awesome family I have.
This strength only came because of these losses. I shudder to think about the person I used to be (well, some parts). I was self-centered (to an extent), I was sarcastic, and really did not give too much thought about others and their feelings. Now, I am more empathetic, sympathetic, and show love more. I have experienced and given true love to my babies.
This strength comes because of his strength. Ps. 18:32 states; It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
Without him and his strength to guide me, imagine where I would be? Though he chose to take my babies, I MUST put my trust in him, and further believe that his strength is made perfect in MY weakness.

Where is my expected end?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Due Date

Sorry, I have been missing, but I needed this week to just be. Evan's EDD was on Wednesday and again, the anticipation more than the day itself was hard. I got up that morning and "doled" myself up. I put on makeup, wore my best outfit, threw on some heels and I was out the door. I figured, I might as well look good, even if I feel crappy. Unfortunately, all the preggos decided to visit my classroom that day. That was H.A.R.D! I kept telling myself that i should be on Maternity leave with a beautiful, healthy, baby boy, but alas, it is not so.
I cannot state enough, how shattered my heart is. I am going to have to relive this experience twice a year. Not once, but TWICE. I miss my babies more than ever, but I am glad that I got to know them, and for the time I had with them.

Is it me, or do you find yourself resentful around other pregnant women? With my other DBM and infertiles, I rejoice when they are expecting. I eagerly look forward to good news, breathe a LOUD sigh of relief when I do hear good news, and cry with them when they don't. I rejoice with them because i know what they have been through and what they have done to get to that point.
For other women, free from complications, I am resentful. Unfortunately a sneer comes to my lips, and I turn away. Call it envy, jealousy, not sure what it is, but I think to myself, how nice it must be to be that naive. How nice it must be to walk around, exercise, shop, and but baby items.
I have been praying about this, and asking God to rid me of these feelings. This is not the me I used to be. I do not want to feel this way at all. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels this way.

On a high note, only 6 more days until I am off for the Winter Break! I love the perks of being a teacher!

Where is my expected end?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Tale of Two Gifts......

I opened my mailbox and found two "gifts in the mail.

The Bitter:

A box of formula from Similac. Thanks Similac! You sure made my day! I will be sure to mix this and leave it for Santa with some cookies -maybe he will think its milk.

The Sweet:

Their blankets

Evan's Bear

Alyssa-Joy's Bear

Girl bear and boy bear with their hats and blankets.

A sweet gift in memory of my babies from a member of the IC forum. Tiffany makes miscarriage blankets for moms like me. She herself lost her precious baby Kaitilin, and now has another little sweetheart Emilie. Thanks Tiff. This is MY kind of gift.
This came at a perfect time. I was looking for a way to incorporate our babies into our family pictures, and this is the perfect solution. We will strategically place the bears in each picture.

Where is my expected end?

Monday, December 7, 2009

Nothing New II

Here are some responses from this post. The scripture says; Ecclesiastes 1:9,10 (King James Version) The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
10 Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us.

As for me, it took me quite a while to "get it," so my first reaction was really to kind of laugh and brush it off. I was not understanding. Then came the confusion. Then, hours later when it finally sunk in. . . "defeated" is the word I have most often used. I don't remember if I cried, although I'm sure I did. But I don't think I bawled or was hysterical. I just remember crawling under the covers in that hospital bed and feeling defeated.

When my doctor uttered the words, "no heartbeat", I really don't remember what happened at first. I know I cried, I know I curled up in that hospital bed and squeezed my husbands hand. That was the worst moment of my life.

When N. was born unexpectedly at home, I was in shock. He was moving and, even though my head must have known he was too young to survive, I just tried to keep him warm and tell him how much I loved him until the EMTs arrived. They tried everything to save him, even thought they too must have known it wasnt possible. 2 weeks later, when S.'s water broke, I knew that the chances I'd carry her 6 more weeks to viability were slim to none. When she was born, all I could think was that I wanted her to know how much we loved her. When I went into the hospital with A., we just decided to take every day as a special blessing. When his labor progressed and couldnt be stopped, we knew that he wouldnt survive and we just told God that we delivered his spirit into His hands and thanked Him for the time we had. We told A. how much we loved him and held him close.

When I realized J. might not make it at the 5 month check up I was mostly naive and optimistic. When she died a few months later, I felt dead. I felt like my purpose ended. I soon entered this zombie-like demeanor and it really kept me sane from feeling the full brunt of this devastating loss. I stayed "numb" for at least 6 weeks. When that wore off, I began to feel, really feel the deep sadness that I was almost convinced could kill me. My husband was much more grounded than me.

Well, I guess my moment would be when we found out about C.'s fatal diagnosis. I got the call that there was something concerning on the US and made the trip back to the hospital. When I found out I was by myself (well technically my coworker was in the room but I don't count him). I had just read my US report and the first thing was shock. Was this really happening to me? I didn't cry until I heard it come from our doctor's mouth just in case there was a *slim* chance I had read wrong. Strangely, at a moment when I should've been so broken I felt at peace. I felt the same peace again when she was born, even though she wasn't born alive like we were praying for.

The night before J. was born I had started bleeding extremely heavy so I don't even think I could really process what was going on. I got to the ER and I remember seeing his heartbeat on the ultrasound machine just for the doc to tell me he was going to die. It didn't sink in till after I delivered him. M. (dh) felt it much sooner then I did. Ironically like some of the other ladies who have posted I did feel some peace when I first held him in my arms. I just wish that peace lasted sometimes.

Now, I am no minister and no great interpreter of the word, but I can always relay what I get from it, and what it means to me. If anyone has any other translation, please feel free :-).
Basically, this scripture tells me that if something significant has happened to me, it has probably happened to someone else. I cannot say it is a "new" thing, because as the scripture reminds me, someone, somewhere, has also experienced/is experiencing the same thing.
That being said, our losses, my losses are not something new, it is how we react that makes our situation unique to us. I reacted in a "numb" way. Others reacted differently.
Some may not understand the bond we all have, or how the support this community gives. Yes, we have all experienced losses, and we talk about, share, and love our babies freely. Some people think it is macabre, and we should just "move on" and even ask, "why do you look at blogs with dead babies?". For me, it is not just looking at dead babies, it is looking into the heart and soul of another mother who has experienced the same loss. It is reading posts that describe in detail, feelings that I could not put into words myself. It is learning from the experience of others, it is sharing information so that we can hopefully avoid another loss. Most of all, it is a feeling of normalcy. In my "not so normal" world, where I only know a few DBM, I cannot freely share, discuss, or grieve my babies, but in this community, I am free to be ME.

So, yes there is nothing new under the sun, and you know what? I am glad there is nothing new. If I had to go through this all y myself, I would be a total mess. Who would I talk to? Where would I go for support (other that dh)? This nothing new, makes my losses and grief more bearable.

Where is my expected end?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The White Rose

I found this a while ago, not sure who the author is. Enjoy!

All the Earth's mothers and fathers were gathered together at God's garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to Earth, were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the Mothers and Fathers: "See the works of my hands, someday you will be the parents of these radiant spirits."

The garden glowed with mixtures of all kinds and colors. "Choose Ye." He said. One by one mothers and fathers stepped forward. I want the blue-eyed curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion. Yet another chose a brown-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an Earthly home.

Now in the East corner of the garden, pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. As these beautiful roses were left unchosen, the Father spoke, "But who will take the white roses, the ones in the East corner of the garden? These will return to me in goodness, perfect and pure. They will not stay long in your home, I must bring them back to my garden, for they belong with me. But they will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them as you complete your mortal journey, but I will personally care for them. "

"No, not I," many said in unison. "I could not bear to give one back so soon." "Nor I," said others, "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."

The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers and fathers with love in His eyes for someone to step forward. Then He said, "Silence! See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones, I choose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is my own. Will not anyone choose like unto him?"

A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord, I will."

Then a few fathers, "And I as well."

"Yes, we will Lord."

Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices their mothers and fathers had made.

The Father spoke again. "Oh blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time."

The white roses embraced their mothers and fathers, and so complete was their purity and love that it filled their souls with peace, courage, and faith. Each mother and father knew they could endure this task. And the greatest of all the white roses gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and an outpouring of love surrounded each mother, father, and child. Together the Father and His chosen one, prepared these mothers, fathers, and their white roses for their special mission. And together, each mother and father who would bare the mortal pain of the white roses felt God's overwhelming peace and love as they all shouted, "Thy will be done."