Sorry, I have been missing, but I needed this week to just be. Evan's EDD was on Wednesday and again, the anticipation more than the day itself was hard. I got up that morning and "doled" myself up. I put on makeup, wore my best outfit, threw on some heels and I was out the door. I figured, I might as well look good, even if I feel crappy. Unfortunately, all the preggos decided to visit my classroom that day. That was H.A.R.D! I kept telling myself that i should be on Maternity leave with a beautiful, healthy, baby boy, but alas, it is not so.
I cannot state enough, how shattered my heart is. I am going to have to relive this experience twice a year. Not once, but TWICE. I miss my babies more than ever, but I am glad that I got to know them, and for the time I had with them.
Is it me, or do you find yourself resentful around other pregnant women? With my other DBM and infertiles, I rejoice when they are expecting. I eagerly look forward to good news, breathe a LOUD sigh of relief when I do hear good news, and cry with them when they don't. I rejoice with them because i know what they have been through and what they have done to get to that point.
For other women, free from complications, I am resentful. Unfortunately a sneer comes to my lips, and I turn away. Call it envy, jealousy, not sure what it is, but I think to myself, how nice it must be to be that naive. How nice it must be to walk around, exercise, shop, and but baby items.
I have been praying about this, and asking God to rid me of these feelings. This is not the me I used to be. I do not want to feel this way at all. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels this way.
On a high note, only 6 more days until I am off for the Winter Break! I love the perks of being a teacher!
Where is my expected end?