Saturday, December 12, 2009

Due Date

Sorry, I have been missing, but I needed this week to just be. Evan's EDD was on Wednesday and again, the anticipation more than the day itself was hard. I got up that morning and "doled" myself up. I put on makeup, wore my best outfit, threw on some heels and I was out the door. I figured, I might as well look good, even if I feel crappy. Unfortunately, all the preggos decided to visit my classroom that day. That was H.A.R.D! I kept telling myself that i should be on Maternity leave with a beautiful, healthy, baby boy, but alas, it is not so.
I cannot state enough, how shattered my heart is. I am going to have to relive this experience twice a year. Not once, but TWICE. I miss my babies more than ever, but I am glad that I got to know them, and for the time I had with them.

Is it me, or do you find yourself resentful around other pregnant women? With my other DBM and infertiles, I rejoice when they are expecting. I eagerly look forward to good news, breathe a LOUD sigh of relief when I do hear good news, and cry with them when they don't. I rejoice with them because i know what they have been through and what they have done to get to that point.
For other women, free from complications, I am resentful. Unfortunately a sneer comes to my lips, and I turn away. Call it envy, jealousy, not sure what it is, but I think to myself, how nice it must be to be that naive. How nice it must be to walk around, exercise, shop, and but baby items.
I have been praying about this, and asking God to rid me of these feelings. This is not the me I used to be. I do not want to feel this way at all. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels this way.

On a high note, only 6 more days until I am off for the Winter Break! I love the perks of being a teacher!

Where is my expected end?


  1. It is perfectly normal to feel this way. When my Connor passed I was resentful of my fiance when he would complain about the limited time he had with his son. All I could think about was at least he got to see his son. I would never see mine again. It's hard to see yourself get this way but it too will get easier to deal with and eventually you will start to reconize yourself again. *hugs*

  2. It is so devastating and unfair that you've endured these milestones for both of your babies. I'm so sorry.
    I feel the same way towards any pregnant woman that has not endured our struggles. I think this is very normal.
    Enjoy your time off! Hugs!!

  3. Marie, it's good to hear from you. First of all, you are NOT alone. I was resentful, is it okay to say that I still am? Like you said, it must be nice to be oblivious to all the peril that can come suddenly in pregnancy and soon after. I am holding off ANY type of baby preparation until 8 1/2 months or so. The baby room is full of boxes (from Jenna), it's sad but it's just the way it is. Sometimes I get the urge to want to look at baby stuff and even buy things, but I won't let myself. I don't want more baby stuff I may never get to use. It's so awful that I think that way. I am just sharing this because it's real and honest and not always pretty. You won't always be resentful but going through your EDD without your babies brings up all those "what ifs" and "could have beens". It's so normal. I didn't want to be that way either, but I had to let myself feel what my heart felt. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I still don't but God is restoring what was lost along the way little by little and changing what He sees fit. I trust God that He is going to get you through this rough rough time.

    Sending you *big* HUGS!

  4. Oh Marie, you are not alone! I found myself being resentful last night as Mr.K and I were at dinner and the couple behind us were expecting, she sat there in all her pregnant glory and all I wanted to do was slap her! I was so irritated we almost had to leave! I'm so glad you were able to "doll" yourself up on Evan's EDD...I spend that day in bed and crying, it wasn't pretty! Thinking of you!

  5. I'm sorry that you are going through a difficult time, but it's understandable. I am dreading Cadynce's due date as well. I know that it will be rough.

    I am trying to be thankful for the little time we did have with her, but that sure is hard to do when I still want her with us.

    I know what you mean about resenting those who havent had a hard time or suffered a loss of some kind before. My boss is pregnant and due 5 weeks before I was and it is soo hard to be happy for her, but I am trying because it is not her fault.

    Praying for you

  6. *huge hugs* You are definately not alone. I feel that same resentment and jealousy for those who go through that naive pregnancy state and then I look at all those women who are about to deliver and reminds me of my little boy.

    Evan was with you on Wednesday...he was saying how mommy looks so pretty today. *huge hugs*

  7. You arent the only one who struggles around non-infertiles/non-orphaned parents who conceive. You arent alone.

  8. Sometimes you just need a little break. It has gotten a little easier to be around babies and preggos, but the envy is still there.