A Tale of Two Gifts......

I opened my mailbox and found two "gifts in the mail.

The Bitter:




A box of formula from Similac. Thanks Similac! You sure made my day! I will be sure to mix this and leave it for Santa with some cookies -maybe he will think its milk.

The Sweet:

Their blankets


Evan's Bear


Alyssa-Joy's Bear


Girl bear and boy bear with their hats and blankets.


A sweet gift in memory of my babies from a member of the IC forum. Tiffany makes miscarriage blankets for moms like me. She herself lost her precious baby Kaitilin, and now has another little sweetheart Emilie. Thanks Tiff. This is MY kind of gift.
This came at a perfect time. I was looking for a way to incorporate our babies into our family pictures, and this is the perfect solution. We will strategically place the bears in each picture.

Where is my expected end?

Nothing New II

Here are some responses from this post. The scripture says; Ecclesiastes 1:9,10 (King James Version) The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
10 Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us.



As for me, it took me quite a while to "get it," so my first reaction was really to kind of laugh and brush it off. I was not understanding. Then came the confusion. Then, hours later when it finally sunk in. . . "defeated" is the word I have most often used. I don't remember if I cried, although I'm sure I did. But I don't think I bawled or was hysterical. I just remember crawling under the covers in that hospital bed and feeling defeated.
B.


When my doctor uttered the words, "no heartbeat", I really don't remember what happened at first. I know I cried, I know I curled up in that hospital bed and squeezed my husbands hand. That was the worst moment of my life.
M.

When N. was born unexpectedly at home, I was in shock. He was moving and, even though my head must have known he was too young to survive, I just tried to keep him warm and tell him how much I loved him until the EMTs arrived. They tried everything to save him, even thought they too must have known it wasnt possible. 2 weeks later, when S.'s water broke, I knew that the chances I'd carry her 6 more weeks to viability were slim to none. When she was born, all I could think was that I wanted her to know how much we loved her. When I went into the hospital with A., we just decided to take every day as a special blessing. When his labor progressed and couldnt be stopped, we knew that he wouldnt survive and we just told God that we delivered his spirit into His hands and thanked Him for the time we had. We told A. how much we loved him and held him close.
M.


When I realized J. might not make it at the 5 month check up I was mostly naive and optimistic. When she died a few months later, I felt dead. I felt like my purpose ended. I soon entered this zombie-like demeanor and it really kept me sane from feeling the full brunt of this devastating loss. I stayed "numb" for at least 6 weeks. When that wore off, I began to feel, really feel the deep sadness that I was almost convinced could kill me. My husband was much more grounded than me.
F.

Well, I guess my moment would be when we found out about C.'s fatal diagnosis. I got the call that there was something concerning on the US and made the trip back to the hospital. When I found out I was by myself (well technically my coworker was in the room but I don't count him). I had just read my US report and the first thing was shock. Was this really happening to me? I didn't cry until I heard it come from our doctor's mouth just in case there was a *slim* chance I had read wrong. Strangely, at a moment when I should've been so broken I felt at peace. I felt the same peace again when she was born, even though she wasn't born alive like we were praying for.
H.

The night before J. was born I had started bleeding extremely heavy so I don't even think I could really process what was going on. I got to the ER and I remember seeing his heartbeat on the ultrasound machine just for the doc to tell me he was going to die. It didn't sink in till after I delivered him. M. (dh) felt it much sooner then I did. Ironically like some of the other ladies who have posted I did feel some peace when I first held him in my arms. I just wish that peace lasted sometimes.
J.


Now, I am no minister and no great interpreter of the word, but I can always relay what I get from it, and what it means to me. If anyone has any other translation, please feel free :-).
Basically, this scripture tells me that if something significant has happened to me, it has probably happened to someone else. I cannot say it is a "new" thing, because as the scripture reminds me, someone, somewhere, has also experienced/is experiencing the same thing.
That being said, our losses, my losses are not something new, it is how we react that makes our situation unique to us. I reacted in a "numb" way. Others reacted differently.
Some may not understand the bond we all have, or how the support this community gives. Yes, we have all experienced losses, and we talk about, share, and love our babies freely. Some people think it is macabre, and we should just "move on" and even ask, "why do you look at blogs with dead babies?". For me, it is not just looking at dead babies, it is looking into the heart and soul of another mother who has experienced the same loss. It is reading posts that describe in detail, feelings that I could not put into words myself. It is learning from the experience of others, it is sharing information so that we can hopefully avoid another loss. Most of all, it is a feeling of normalcy. In my "not so normal" world, where I only know a few DBM, I cannot freely share, discuss, or grieve my babies, but in this community, I am free to be ME.

So, yes there is nothing new under the sun, and you know what? I am glad there is nothing new. If I had to go through this all y myself, I would be a total mess. Who would I talk to? Where would I go for support (other that dh)? This nothing new, makes my losses and grief more bearable.

Where is my expected end?

The White Rose

I found this a while ago, not sure who the author is. Enjoy!

THE WHITE ROSE
All the Earth's mothers and fathers were gathered together at God's garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to Earth, were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the Mothers and Fathers: "See the works of my hands, someday you will be the parents of these radiant spirits."

The garden glowed with mixtures of all kinds and colors. "Choose Ye." He said. One by one mothers and fathers stepped forward. I want the blue-eyed curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion. Yet another chose a brown-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an Earthly home.

Now in the East corner of the garden, pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. As these beautiful roses were left unchosen, the Father spoke, "But who will take the white roses, the ones in the East corner of the garden? These will return to me in goodness, perfect and pure. They will not stay long in your home, I must bring them back to my garden, for they belong with me. But they will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them as you complete your mortal journey, but I will personally care for them. "

"No, not I," many said in unison. "I could not bear to give one back so soon." "Nor I," said others, "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."

The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers and fathers with love in His eyes for someone to step forward. Then He said, "Silence! See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones, I choose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is my own. Will not anyone choose like unto him?"

A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord, I will."

Then a few fathers, "And I as well."

"Yes, we will Lord."

Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices their mothers and fathers had made.

The Father spoke again. "Oh blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time."

The white roses embraced their mothers and fathers, and so complete was their purity and love that it filled their souls with peace, courage, and faith. Each mother and father knew they could endure this task. And the greatest of all the white roses gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and an outpouring of love surrounded each mother, father, and child. Together the Father and His chosen one, prepared these mothers, fathers, and their white roses for their special mission. And together, each mother and father who would bare the mortal pain of the white roses felt God's overwhelming peace and love as they all shouted, "Thy will be done."

Birthday Recap

The minute I opened my eyes, I knew what day it was. This was the day I dreaded for months (and to think I am going to have to go through this twice a year?). I snuggled into dh and started crying. How I would have loved to snuggle Alyssa-Joy and shower her with kisses on her first birthday! I would have enjoyed seeing her toddle around, chase runaway balloons, and smash her pink birthday cake.
Instead, at 6:55am I lit a candle in her honor (time of birth). We did not get to do the balloon release, as we waned to just shut ourselves away from the world and enjoy her spirit together. I was worried no one would remember AJ's birthday. How wrong I was! My sisters and friend called to see how I was doing and expressed that they missed her as much as I do. How awesome it felt to know that others I know IRL are thinking of my precious baby as well.

To all my blog friends, I thank you from the bottom of my scarred heart for remembering my sweetheart with me. I could never survive this without your love, advice, prayers, and support.

Where is my expected end?

Happy Birthday My Sweetheart

One year today, I gave birth to a perfect angel, simply born too soon. Because of her, I have learned patience, courage, hope, fear, disappointment, strength, but most importantly, I have learned love. Happy Birthday my sweetheart. For the sort time that I carried you, you were loved. When I saw your precious face, our hearts filled with joy. We love and miss you more than you will ever know and we cant wait to see you again, only then will our shattered hearts feel whole again. We love you sweetheart.

My Special Angel

She's always watching over me,
I feel her presence near,
She's always here to listen,
And guide me through my fears.
She's a very special angel,
One God choose just for me,
She was once my angel here on earth,
But that wasn't long to be.
God called her home one morning,
My fear and rage did He see ,
If He were such a loving God,
Why take my baby from me?
But in time I saw the plan,
He unveiled for me to see,
He had taken my baby away,
But He gave her back to me.
There was only one thing different,
About this wondrous thing,
She just traded her faded and bruised flesh,
For a halo and snow white wings.

We love and miss you. Rest In Peace Alyssa-Joy, and Happy First Birthday!
reworded poem by Shoney Winstead (with revisions to suit me)

Where is my expected end?

Nothing New Under the Sun

I keep reflecting on the scripture that says there is nothing new under the sun (I have to find the actual scripture). Plainly put, nothing that we go through is new - someone, somewhere has already experienced it. I have met so many women who have experienced the loss of their babies, and though nothing is new under the sun, each story and experience is unique. We are all affected in different ways, have differing support systems, and react in different ways.

As for me, when I found out I was going to lose both my babies, I felt numb. I heard what the Dr.'s said, but for some reason it did not "settle" that I was really going to lost them. My family bawled to say the least. My dh bargained with God, and all they could ask was what happened?
I am curious, what was your first reaction? How did those around you (if they were there to hear the news react)?

Where is my expected end?

Black Friday and Jokes

I seems that not only have my losses made me more sympathetic and in tune with other peoples feelings, but I think it has made me an even bigger critic of myself. Has anyone experienced this as well?

Did anyone do any Black Friday shopping? I will never brave the malls on Black Friday again! It was chaotic and everything I wanted was sold out.

I found these jokes and hopes it brings a smile to your face. It did to mine. :-)

1. What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Turkey!

2. What do you call a dumb gobbler?
A jerky turkey!

3. What do you call a gobbler who thinks he knows everything?
A smirky turkey!

4. What has feathers and webbed feet?
A Turkey wearing Scuba Gear!

5. Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

6. Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

7. What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

8. Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners!

9. How can you send a turkey through the post office?
Bird class mail!

10. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

11. What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

12. If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!

13. Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring? Because April showers bring May flowers.

14. What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.

15. If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their great old age!

16. What kind of potatoes go oui-oui-buzz-buzz?
French flies!

17. How do you make gold soup?
Just throw in fourteen carrots (carats).

18. What kind of vegetable would you like tonight?
Beets me!

19. Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam.

20. Why did the man invest in feathers?
He heard the stock market was going down.

Jokes taken from http://www.thanksgivingnovember.com/thanksgiving-jokes.html

Where is my expected end?