Thursday, February 25, 2010

What A Day!

Before I delve into the heart of things, I need some advice. I am very upset and wonder if I am wrong to be upset. After telling my sister about the consultation with the Dr. and what he had to say, her response was;
sis - why don't you wait a couple years?
me - Ummm. no.
sis - why?
me - I don't want to.
sis - why don't you give your body a few years to heal and then try then?
me - I don't want to wait. I do not want to just start trying at 30.

I hung up quite upset. How do I explain the longing for a child? How do I explain that my fears outweigh my desire? How do I explain that the thought of waiting a few more years WILL make a difference? How do I explain that waiting a few weeks, or months, or years won't change the outcome?
Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong to feel this way? I want a baby, and losing Alyssa-Joy and Evan only intensified those feelings. Now I feel that I should keep the status of things from her and not share. I keep thinking that she is thinking I am making a big mistake. How did your families verbalize how they felt about you trying again?
I know the decision rests between God, my husband and myself, but my sister's support means a lot as well. Who do I share this rough journey with? (Other than you all!) Advise. Please. Soon. Tell me I am not crazy. Tell me it does not matter.

Well, I met with the Dr. today and it is hard to describe how I feel about the whole matter. I will say that I was impressed by his honesty. I was impressed on the fact that he was compassionate enough to have me meet him in his business office and not where "there are a million pregnant women running around" (his words, not mine).
I began by telling him my story (surprise surprise, my records had not been sent to him yet) while he was jotting down notes.
He said my pregnancy with Alyssa-Joy sounds like a classic case of Incompetent Cervix. During my second pregnancy, it is his opinion that IC did not cause my loss, but infection and labor. He says based on what I told him, my cervix was closed, I still had a good amount of cervix left, and there was no funneling during those last weeks. It is his impression that the stitch was probably not placed high enough, and he cannot definitely say that the emergent cerclage led to the infection. He then said that as women we have millions of bacteria swimming around in our vajajay.
He asked if I have had problems with yeast infections, to which I said no. I have never had a yeast infection. He also asked what tests have been done. The only tests I have had is checking for clotting disorders.

Heres the bizarre part; "do you have PCOS?" "No". "Are you hairier than most women?" "I don't think so". "Are you diabetic?" "Based on the last appointment? No."
Apparently hairier than normal women usually have PCOS. I then asked "isn't one of the effects of PCOS is infertility?" His response; "not always".
He wants me to look at doing a Sono Hysterogram (sp?) to see if I have a Septum, a Bicornate (sp?) Uterus, Diabetes, and PCOS, just to rule out that these factors did not come into play at all. He says women with these issues usually have IC as well.

Before I tell you the results of his assessments, he did say that It was my choice and he would not feel slighted either way. Ok. Now for the big question; Am I a candidate for the Trans Abdominal Cerclage? No. Why you may ask? Because he feels that Evan was lost due to an infection and me going into labor. He feels that I can get pregnant, do the vaginal cerclage (he says he has done hundreds), be a "little lazy", and carry to term. I then asked, so if I lose another pregnancy, would you then recommend me for the TAC. Yes, was his response.
I then asked him about the type of stitch (single McDonald, Double McDonald, or Shirdokar). He be lives that it is skill of placement and not the type of stitch.
My step-mom asked if we chose to still do the TAC, would he do it. He said that no, he would not. He only does it once every few years, and doing it this rarely does not qualify him as an expert, but Dr. Ric.ardo (works out of the same hosp.) does it quite regularly.

I thanked him for his honesty, and said that after two losses, I would not want to risk another loss. I said that a cloud would be hanging over my head every day thinking, "is this the day I am going to lose this baby?". I told him I was taking his advice concerning checking for all the things he mentioned, but that I was more comfortable doing the TAC. My step-mom agreed with me completely.
He then went on about how getting pregnant does not guarantee bringing the bay home (hello????!!!! I know this! Blogverse has taught me a lot), and that other complications can arise. I retorted that If I have another loss, it must not be related to the cervix. We bid him adieu, thanked him, and left.

I am disappointed, but now I have ammo to use with the insurance company. I refuse to take a chance and do a vaginal cerclage. I refuse to go go through another pregnancy on my back, relying on others to help me out. I refuse to take showers every couple days. I refuse to "just be lazy". I refuse to stress my husband out every time I get up to use the bathroom.
I just finished researching Dr., and found nothing on him doing the TAC. Only Myectomies, Hysterectomies, and Mastectomies.
I will be speaking with Larry tonight, but I know he also does not want a vaginal cerclage again and "hope" it works out. I will also be calling the insurance company tomorrow morning and letting them know he does not do the procedure. Lets see if they can solve this problem now.

Thanks for the prayers ladies! I appreciate them. As usual, I will keep you updated.

Please pray for my dear friend Kara. She lost her second angel Ashlyn Faith recently. Please stop by her blog and send her some love. We all know the pain of loss and know the outpouring of support goes a long way.

Awaiting my expected end.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Ladies, I covet your prayers tomorrow. I know there is so much to pray for in this world, but tonight I am going to be a little selfish and ask for your prayers. Tomorrow is the consultation with the Dr. in Miami. Please pray specifically that God's will be done. Please let me have the courage to tell him my story without breaking down, and the knowledge to ask the right questions. I am hoping and praying that this is the man God is leading us to.
I have my list of questions (40 to be exact) to ask him. Pray that my heart is open to hear what this Dr. has to say. I will update you all tomorrow.

The effectual fervent prayer of the righteous availeth much (James 5:16).

Awaiting my expected end.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Plot Thickens.....

Just popping in to give you a quick update.

Rose.Marie, the medical director from V.ista called to see how the search was going. After letting her know that I have a consultation with a Dr. in Miami next week, her next statement was;
"Provider Realtions spoke to Dr. Char.les and after the letting them know that we are reviewing the terms of our contract with them, they have decided to do the procedure if you still want them to."
My response? "HELL NO!!!! After what that lady said to me, I do not want them touching me. I will take my business elsewhere!"
Rose.Marie's respose? "I don't blame you. I would not either. I was able to speak to Bar.bara and she was quite abrasive."

Happy Friday!!!!

Awaiting my expected end.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Latest

Ephesians 3:20 (King James Version)
Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.

I have been mediating on this scripture lately. Its funny, someone was telling me about a particular situation, and I immediately cited this scripture to her. After telling her this scripture, a light bulb came on. I am always quick to give advice to others but never take that same advice and apply it. Now when I get nervous about the TAC and the problems that I have been having lately, I remind myself of this scripture. I printed it out, posted several copies on my microwave (which is right above the stove - so I can see it when I am cooking), on my laptop, desk, rear view mirror and board in my classroom. Sometimes we need subtle reminders to remind us that God is still in control regardless of how the situation looks.

Not to be a "Debbie Downer" but, I have been really emotional lately. In fact, I was in church on Sunday and just wanted to run out. An intense feeling of anger and hatred consumed me. It took me by surprise and I had no clue how to handle it. All I could do was bow my head and cry silently. I was my sitting in my seat and I saw my pregnant SIL and another pregnant girl in church. I just kept saying to myself, they are so unworthy of this and look at them! Now I know this thinking is not rational, but thats how I felt at the time. I simply could not fathom how these unemployed, undeserving people can get pregnant and go along blissfully with no problems, and problems attack me on every side. I felt intense jealousy and grief for myself at the same time.
When is this girl going to go away? When am I going to be able to look at other pregnant women (who have never had a loss) and not feel hatred (I hope thats not too strong a word)? I know it is not their fault, but that is just how I feel.

The Medical Director/Nurse from the insurance company finally called me back yesterday and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Marie, that was quite a task!" You think????!!!!!! She gave me the name of a Dr. located in Hollywood, Fl and started telling me that she was reading up on the procedure and how controversial it was. I stated to her that I am not worried about it being controversial, I am worried about carrying to term. I let her know that this was my absolute last chance before closing up shop.
I called the Dr, and to my surprise (not really - more like a fulfillment of my expectations) he only does cervical cerclages. This lady was apparently calling around asking for Dr.'s that do cervical cerclages, after I clarified the procedure many times to her. You can just imagine how frustrated I was!

I then called the University of Miami's Hospital and after being transferred to a horde of people, I was put in contact with the assistant to Dr. T.wigg, who is the Director of the Hospital's OBGN/GYN Department. All I could think of while making a multitude of calls was why am I doing the insurance company's job?????
Dr. .wigg highly recommends Dr. Sa.lih who is also the director of patient advocacy and safety at the Hospital. He is an MFM, well renowned, travels all over the world, has written many studies and the list goes on (I am still researching him). To tell you the truth, I am not impressed by accolades. Dr.' resume was impressive and look how that turned out.

I called Dr.'s office and spoke to his academic assistant Ya.mi, who has been with him for 20 years. I asked the usual questions, how many has he done -she does not keep count, but knows that he does them.
I then told her my story and asked her to visualize me as her daughter. I have had two losses, went through the emotional and physical aspects of those losses, having to cremate two babies and go through the process of grieving and so on. I then asked her if she would trust him with her daughter's life and her grandchildren's life, and not to answer based on an employee, but as a mother. She said without a doubt, yes. She says in my situation, he is the right person to see.
So, I have a consultation with him next Thursday (02/25) a 1:00 pm and I of course will be bring my list of questions and so on. Really, I am not holding my breath. I have been disappointed so many times that my expectations are extremely low.
Please keep the situation in your prayers and that His will be done and that his name will be exalted through it all.

Here's a sad joke for you - there is some application of that asks you questions. My twin sister posed this response.
Why would Marie most likely be arrested for? Going postal on an OB/GYN. How sad is this that my sister knows me so well. I am almost to that point ;-). So if you turn on the news and hear "crazy woman went postal on local OB/GYN", you will know its me. :-)

Don't forget to help me reach my goal by sponsoring me for March of Dimes. There are 80 more days left until the walk. To those of you who donated - THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!! Your name has been entered in the giveaway and I am designing a Thank You card to send your way. You are all awesome!
Please remember that even $1.00 is appreciated, and that $1.00 makes a world of difference.

Awaiting my expected end.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Scam Artists - Surgery Update

You would not believe the day that I had! After giving M. (the director at V.ista) a few days because I had not heard from her,(refer to this post for the details) I called her back on Thursday. She said that she did give my info to the provider relations department, and that she was waiting for them to contact her. She said I should hear from them by the end of the day, but if I didn't to call her first thing this morning. I returned her call, and she said that the surgery was approved and the provider relations department would call Dr. Char.les' office to let them know that I should not be paying anything up front because, 1) I have no deductible, 2) they are a contracted provider and no money down is required, and 3) the procedure was approved. She said she would call me when she heard from the department after they made the call.

Well, she did not even get a chance to call me back. At 11:11 am, Bar.bara called me. After our initial meeting and having that niggling feeling in the back of my mind, I had started writing down everything she told me as she spoke. Just in case something came up, I wanted to make sure I had my ducks in a row, so to speak. Larry called me paranoid when I started doing this, but now I am glad that I took these measures. These are Bar.bara's exact words - " we have decided that we are refusing to perform the procedure because of their policy and due to the fact that they will not argue with an HMO. We are cutting off any and every association with you and V.ista and will forward your files to whomever you want. You know, you are going to get pregnant again and V.ista is going to make your baby die because they will not cover the procedure". Yes ladies, you can say it, I said it too - "WHAT THE HELL??????????????"
I was quite calm and gave her a piece of my mind and let her know what I thought about her (forgive me Jesus!). She further stated that even if we pay up front, they will still not perform the surgery.

I then called M., a little, no scratch that, A LOT pissed off. I let her know exactly what Bar.bara said and she echoed my sentiments. She sad to me, "you know Marie, even if they change their mind, I would not want them to touch me." She was appalled and said that basically what Bar.bara is basically saying is that they want to terminate their contract with V.ista.
I then went on to tell her that there is no one else in Fl with experience that performs this procedure and I refuse to be anyones guinea pig.
She said that she cannot advise me as to who to see, but she will speak to the medical nurse/director and have her give me a call. Again, she said that if I need any assistance to call her back. She then requested that I fax what I had written down in regards to what Bar.bara said. I gladly and gleefully (I know, its redundant) did!

At around 2:00 pm, the nurse R. called me. i told her my history, the fiasco with Bar.bara (M. had already given her the run down), the fact that I searched everywhere, I told her of Dr. - how it was originally scheduled with him and how V.ista denied saying I have no out of network benefit. I explained to her as well that I do not want to be anyone's guinea pig. I need an experienced surgeon that does this frequently. She asked if I was pregnant and I said no, that the specialists state that doing it pre-pregnancy increases the chances of a successful outcome. She said she could not believe it and that she will see what she can find and call me on Monday the latest.

The general consensus after this post from all of you, was "trust your instincts". I knew there was something fishy about this Dr. I remember saying to someone that he is too confident, how he told me my CL was 1 cm, and how Bar.bara just rubbed me the wrong way. What a witch! She's so lucky I'm saved!
They are scam artists! They were going to be paid by the insurance company, but just because I would not give them my money, they refused to do the surgery, even though they were getting paid. It makes no sense to me.
Bar.bara met her match! She obviously has not met anyone like me. I am so cheap I would reuse the cheese used to catch mice! I don't part with our money easily. I make my money work for me and make it last. Probably in her experience, other women just give over the money without a thought. Not me! I am glad I made sure that I spoke with the insurance company first. After all, like V.ista said I would not have gotten my money back from them because they would have said that I should not have paid them.

I am not done with Dr. Char.les or his wife/office manager Bar.bara. I have written a letter to them, the hospital that he works out of, and the American Medical Association (I will share the letter with you in another post). I have e-mailed "Help Me Howard" a local news segment that exposes frauds and helps to solve problems. I am posting my experience on Abby.Loopers and the IC Forum. It is my wish that another woman never uses them. Yup. They crossed the wrong mother. My voice will be heard and they will be exposed.

So for now the surgery is once again put off until further notice. I am bummed out that it is postponed yet again, but I am not disappointed that Dr. Char.les won't be the one doing it. I remember saying that whatever the outcome, God's will will be done. Obviously it was not his will for the surgery to be done with Dr. Char.les. I am relieved, because I also remember saying to you all that I felt like I was settling for second best. I was nervous about the LAPTAC and the fact that it can fail.

I e-mailed Jessica to get her advice (Luv u girl! You are the best!) and of course I had to update all of you. Keep those prayers coming girls that His will be done throughout it all. I will keep you all posted.

Don't forget to help me reach my goal by sponsoring me for March of Dimes. To those of you who have already donated, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if you can only give $1, that means the world to me. Let us work to end PTL, stillbirths and infant death.

FYI - Please ignore the typos in this post, my fingers are trying to keep up with my thoughts.

Awaiting my expected end.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Meet You At The Sunset (formerly The Secret Garden Meeting)- January

For the first meeting of the month we thought we would speak about the holiday season and how you coped. What was it like for you? Did you do anything special in your childs memory?

The holidays were especially tough for me. Not only were my step-children here, but I was surrounded by babies and pregnant women in all stages for pregnancy. If I could use one word to describe how I coped, it would be "avoidance". I avoided speaking of my babies (even though they were never far from my thoughts), I avoided the pregnant women, and I avoided babies. I keep thinking how happy they would be to see the lights, the colorful wrapping paper, the tinsel, the smell of pies baking, the joy on our faces. Even though the would not understand the depth or the meaning of the holidays, I am sure they would have picked up on the excitement.

Thanksgiving was tough because that started the chain of events that led to us losing Alyssa-Joy. While sitting at the dining room table surrounded my family, my hands were balled under the table because if I let them go, I would surely feel the aches radiating from my heart. I gritted my teeth and demanded that the tears not well up....... At one point amongst the laughter, I had to excuse myself.
Christmas for me is usually a time of celebration, instead this year it was a time of despair. Every where I turned, there was a baby or a pregnant woman. Their excitement about giving birth, but then I remembered.... "hey dummy! You're not expecting". Can you say a knife to the heart?

I found myself faking being jolly. In fact, I do that everyday - I fake it. My insides are torn up. My heart is in shreds. My womb is empty. But...... I must sill live. I must be strong. I must show everyone that I am okay. The holidays in plain terms just sucked.
Larry and i did light a candle in their honor. We got up that morning lit their candle and prayed. Once again we were reminded that we are the only ones who must keep their memories alive.

Awaiting my expected end.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Plot Thickens

My goodness! You all don't know how long I have been trying to post. No, blogger was not acting up, I just could no find a minute to sit down and start a post. Finally, after grading a multitude of papers, doing a couple of Individualized Education Plans, and sitting on my butt for 12 hours getting my hair braided, I finally have a minute.

Remember how I told you all, that I did not like B.arbara, the office manager from Dr. Char.les' office? How she seemed odd and untrustworthy? Well my distrust has magnified.
On Thursday (yes, that's how long I have been trying to get a minute), a young lady from Dr. Char.les' office called me to ask when I am going to make the $2500 payment. To which I replied, "I obviously cannot get down there today since I am still at work, Its now 4:15 and you close at 5, and you are a hour and a half away from me". She then went on to say other things, but I could not understand her (she had a strong accent), so I asked to speak to someone else. Well guess who comes on the phone? B.arbara herself! This is how the conversation went (fyi - I wrote down all her responses just to make sure I had the right info to relay to the insurance company).

Me - hello B.arbara, this is Mrs. R-W. Have you heard anything from the insurance company?
B. - Not really.
Me - You have not heard from them at all? Because the director has been in contact with me and wants to know what I gave decided.
B. - Well we don't take that as payment.
Me - Have you heard from them?
B. - Well, I have an authorization number.
Me - What does that mean? Does that mean its approved?
B. - No. it only means that they acknowledge that the procedure is being done and are aware of it.
Me - huh? What does that mean?
B. - It means that they know it is being done. Not that they are going to pay, but don't worry, I already started compiling paperwork for you to fight them to get your money back.
Me - Sorry if I sound naive, but that makes no sense to me. I refuse to give you $2500 without knowing if my insurance company will pay so that I can be reimbursed.
B. - Oh, I understand what you mean, I have 6 children myself.
Me - Well I am going to call V.ista myself, because I am not giving up my money without some guarantee.
B. - I am interested to know what will happen, because V.ista has never paid for this procedure because they view it as infertility, and they are not familiar with it.
Me - Well, I have the directors number and I will call you back tomorrow.

I got off the phone and called M., one of the directors that I had gotten the number for, all the while praying that she was still there as it was about 4:30. Thankfully she was there and remembered who I was.
She pulled up my file and I relayed the conversation that I had with B.arbara to her.
When I mentioned that I had to pay $2500 and then fight with V.ista to get my money back, her response was; "WHAT?"
To put it bluntly, she has never heard of anyone paying the full cost up front and had to fight to get reimbursed. She said that the authorization that B.arbara submitted was authorization for payment, and that they will get paid when the procedure is complete. I should not have to put money down or fight to get my money back. I then told her why B.arbara said V.ista won't pay because they consider it infertility. Well, M. said it was not coded as infertility.
To spare you the specifics, M. is turning over the file to the customer relations department to investigate, because it sounds "fishy". She said in all her years, she has never seen anyone pay the cost up front for any procedure. She will call me Monday to let me know the conclusion.

I have to say, I did not expect that response. I would have preferred if she had said, "you know Marie, that's the procedure for some places", but for her to scream "WHAT?!" just confirmed my suspicions. Truthfully, I am content with whatever decision that is made. If nothing gets solved, I am going to let her know that I am not comfortable doing it with them doing the procedure and asks if it can be approved to be done with Dr. D. Whatever way it works out, I am accepting it as God's will.
Please bring the situation with us to the Lord in prayer, that his will be done throughout this mess.

Don't forget to help me reach my goal by sponsoring me for March of Dimes. To those of you who have already donated, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if you can only give $1, that means the world to me. Let us work to end PTL, stillbirths and infant death.

Awaiting my expected end?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mixed Feelings

I watched 19 Ki.ds and Coun.ting last night after debating whether or not I could handle it emotionally. Mixed feelings is the phrase that comes to mind. I must first say that I admire the D.uggar's financial independence, and while I do not agree with having that many children, it is a personal choice and I respect that. I do get upset when I wonder, how can this woman have so many children and so many of us struggle to just have one? Her faith cannot be so greater than ours. The faith that we have probably surpasses hers. The level of our faith is higher than any mountain! Only when you go through the things we do, will the level of your faith. How many times have we bargained, prayed and had faith every month believing that we are pregnant? How many times do we speak and breathe life into our tummies only to have aunt flo show up days later? But alas, I digress (I know you should never begin a sentence with the word but, but who cares?).
I myself would love to have that many children in another life, but (1.) my body cannot handle it regardless of an incompetent cervix, (2.) cannot afford it, and (3.) my breasts would be sagging, my ass would be drooping and I would have premature gray hair. I respect anyone who has made that choice to have that many children (because it is a personal choice), as long as they can afford it and be financially independent (i.e, not relying on public/government assistance).

I am excited that premature birth, micro preemies, and Pre-eclamsia are being highlighted. I can think of so many women (and their husbands) who were educated because of this particular episode. I can think of all the women facing the reality of having a micro preemie, and how they now have some idea about what they are in for. I am glad that many naive pregnant women can now see that pregnancy is not always a walk in the park, and that problems can arise through no fault of the mother. For these, I am glad.
On the other hand, I don't think that the producers really portrayed the dangers of having a micro preemie. I think that they should have devoted more time to showing how critical the first 48 hours are. On the little blurb they flash across the screen (which was so fast that unless you are a speed reader, you wont be able to read it in its entirety, and as a former communications major, you should show every written blurb that is to be read for no less than 40 seconds), they did not even mention the long term effects such as blindness, inability to walk, speech impediments, hearing impediments, and so on. They did not mention ROP or brain bleeds, the risk to the mother in subsequent pregnancies due to a vertical incision, and a host of other complications.
Truthfully, I did not want to hear about their trip to El Salvador. How is it that they can devote a whole 2 hours to the befall of the Gosse.lin's divorce, Ti.ger's infidelities, and Mi.chael Ja.ckson's death, but they cannot devote the same time to educate America on what is such a predominant problem?
They also briefly flashed across the screen (very briefly) the March of Dimes website. Why were people not encouraged to give? Why were there not advertisements between each segment relating to premature births, potential problems, encouraging good prenatal care, or even birth control? Why was a MOD commercial not shown? I did not particularly want to hear about toilet paper or Boun.ty paper towels.
There is so much that could have been done to educate this country. With that being said, let me be selfish for a minute and promote my own MOD goals. Please do not forget to help me reach my goal by sponsoring me for MOD! Simply click the link to the left and donate. Every little bit counts. Let us work together to decrease the occurrence of pre-mature labour/births, childhood diseases and infant death. Every donation made will enter you for a chance to win a beautiful memorial globe. I know the economy is rough on everyone, but even $1.00 will be greatly appreciated.
Let us continue to educate women since it seems even the media are afraid to do it.

I made a remark a few weeks ago to a friend, that I would prefer a micro-preemie instead of losing both babies. After watching this episode and doing what I do best: researching uncle, grandpa, and momma As.k, I have now thought a little differently. Yes, if that had happened, I would have loved having them around, but the internal struggle would have driven me insane. Regardless of this struggle, I would have lovingly stood by their incubators fighting right along with them. However, I would never willfully seek to have a micro-preemie. I would have hated seeing them in an incubator instead of baking in my stomach. I would have cried daily seeing how small they were, and I would have surely lost it if any complications arose. I would have panic attacks just taking it day by day not knowing what the outcome would be, both in the now and long term. I would have hated seeing them in the NICU helpless and possibly even sometimes even hopeless.
Would I still have preferred having a micro-preemie? Yes, because it would have given them a chance at life. It would have given them the opportunity to fight right along with me to survive. This is why MOD is so important. In a country where medicine is so advanced, there must be something more that can be done.
SO, I have mixed feelings. America was somewhat educated, but not enough. If you watched it, what was your impression?

This episode also left a few questions unanswered. Will they have more children? Will they still insist on a VBAC? or will they finally see that having more children at her age is enough?

Thank you all so much for the kind words. It is a tough road and I would not wish for anyone to walk this road with me, but I will be selfish once again and say I am glad you all walk this journey with me.

Awaiting my expected end.

Monday, February 1, 2010

This Thing Called Grief

I know a lot of you were worried and it did my heart good to know that I was being thought about. Thanks for checking up on my guys! I have been super, I lie.... I have been "hiding". This past week, grief hit me hard. So hard that I doubled over quite a few times and locked myself away from reality. I can't count the countless times tears were streaming down my face on the way home from work, the number of times a song or ad on T.V, made the tears come, the amount of times a pregnant woman passed me and my eyes welled up. This was my week. The pain seemed so fresh and everything made me cry. I was a blubbering mess and felt the need to stay away. I really needed to communicate my grief to God. I cried and asked "why the hell me?" I felt intense anger and hurt. I was all prepared this year to be positive and embrace the memories of Alyssa-Joy and Evan, but last week all I could think of were my babies and how they should still be here. The thought keeps coming to mind that I have been pregnant twice, but have nothing but my memories, urns and memory boxes to show for it. How depressing!

I went to my first baby shower at work last Friday. As team leader, it was my job to get the gift. I walked into B.abies R' Us fine on Wednesday, and the minute I hit the first aisle, I had this overwhelming feeling. I could not breathe and it felt as if all the walls were closing in on me. I immediately grabbed a gift card, paid and got the heck out of there!
On Thursday, the annoying pregnant lady (you remember her, the one that intentionally seeks me out to moan and groan) sought me out and assaulted me! Well, assault is a strong word ------ she approached me and started telling me how she was feeling, and that I should tell her exactly what happened with Evan and so on. Ladies, I almost cussed her out, almost, but that is just not me.
Friday was the baby shower. My co-workers threw a surprise daddy's shower for a colleague, a very nice gentleman. I was all gung ho, I thought, "I can handle this". I went into the library with my intern and for a few minutes (more like twenty) all was well. Another gentleman came up to me and asked, "Marie are you alright? I know this is hard for you". To which I immediately replied, "I'm ok". It's amazing that the men are more sensitive than the women, and that this gentleman cared about my feelings.
Then the honorees walked in (Drew, his wife and 2 week old baby), and I immediately felt the tears. I hurried out and hid in the bathroom until I composed myself. After drying my tears, I walked back to my classroom with my head down so no one could see the redness in my eyes, the red nose, or the quivering lips. I got my stuff and rushed out.

Grief is something else. Just when you think the worst is over, it comes back full force! I am trying my best to not let it consume me, but it is hard. When I think about my beautiful babies and the fact that they were healthy, it drives me into a fit of tears. My body failed them. The one person who is supposed to protect them, and I could not even do that - I had no control over it. I want to be over this, but grief won't let me.

Okay. enough of this sad stuff. My LAPTAC is only 2 weeks away! Every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat. I am nervous, excited, nervous, nervous, and oh, did I mention I was nervous? I keep thinking about the anesthesia and the fact that they will stick a tube down my throat.
I am praying that the surgeon does not do the procedure on his own accord. I am praying that God himself visits that surgical room and guides the Dr. That the Great Physician takes control of every maneuver. I am believing God that he will perform a miracle in that room. Please pray with me.
I have blood work next week and will be asking my primary care Dr. to refer me for a uterine biopsy to ensure that there is no underlying infection.
I have not yet called the surgeon or the insurance company. If you recall I said a few weeks ago that this is no longer being done Marie's way, but Gods way. I am letting him control the situation and eventually the outcome.

Don't forget to help my reach my goal for March of Dimes. The giveaway will end March 1st, and another giveaway will begin!
I hope everyone one is doing well. Praying for you always.

Awaiting my expected end.