Sunday, November 15, 2009

Why does nobody understand?

I have come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. Tonight I went to Youth Service and My Pastor says he wants to speak to Larry and Me.

He started off saying that nobody came to him, he is speaking from the heart. Instead of boring you with the specifics, in a nutshell he said I must seek a counselor, and having the babies pictures up is unhealthy and I must move on.
Then he went on to say that when his daughter lost her two how he saw her one day looking at the pictures and crying her eyes out. How even to this day they don't mention "them" because they don't want to bring up any "bad" memories.
He also said that I should basically stop holding other peoples children because that does not help either.

Why do people insist on making me feel worse? Why do people insist on making me think something is wrong with me?? Let us just pretend that nothing happened and my babies, excuse me "them" did not even exist.

What the hell is wrong with my life and where is my bloody expected end??


  1. Oh Marie *hugs* There is nothing wrong with you. You can have pictures of your babies in your house because they are your children. Everyone deals with loss differently and for your pastor's daughter it sounds like she was able to just forget her children. That is sad. I do see a counselor, she is my sounding board when I otherwise feel alone. She has assured me that it is completely healthy to remember our children. They are part of who we are and will always be a part of us. Marie, don't let anyone tell you any different. *huge hugs*

  2. Marie there is NOTHING wrong with you. I hope you know that people (who have never experienced the loss of a child) like to offer their well-meaning advice and it stings. For me someone in my church was telling my hubby that I needed to start moving on at about six weeks after Jenna died. I have distanced myself from those people. I still go to church, but their opinions (others too) have really hurt me. This man who told you that has no idea what you are going through. I hope you keep all the baby pictures up you want, and hold children. And the fact that you can hold other peoples' children has to say something about your willingness to heal. People feel the need to fix something that only God can fix.


  3. Marie, I am so sorry that you had to hear anyone speak to you like that. Especially your pastor. You are grieving and it is healthy to want to see your children. We do not remove photos of our grandparents or parents when they pass away, so why should we remove anything that reminds us of our children? We do not refuse to speak to the elderly after the loss of a grandparent, so why should we have to avoid babies when we no longer can hold our own? I hope you were not taken by surprise so much that you could not take up for yourself. Yes, well meaning people (who have never lost a child) try to help, but they are ignorant to the realities of losing a child. There is a great book I recomment to pastors called, I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. I will send you a copy if you can't find one. You can politely just leave it for him to read. Educate him. We need to change the way the general population views and treats us.

  4. Marie--My heart is just breaking for you. I just can't imagine how anyone could say that to you. It isn't fair that you should have to be hurt again. I'm glad you have pictures of your baby up, in your house, here on your blog, anywhere where you need them to be so you can see their precious faces. My Jonathan's picture is all over my house, by the speedometer in my car, and it alwyas will be. Don't let anyone make you change anything, unless you feel the time is right to do so--which might be never! Love you girl...stay strong...I'm praying for you and for good news tomorrow with the insurance!

  5. Marie, there isn't anything wrong with you. You are a normal grieving mommy. Why people can't see that, I don't understand. Have you thought about finding a new place of worship?

  6. Oh honey I'm *so* sorry that was said to you. Especially since, I suspect, it was said by someone you respect. That just breaks my heart. The others above have such good points. In the end, to me, its all about what brings you comfort. I personally have their sketch and footprints, but not actual photos, up - that's what works for us. Your babies were beautiful and if you want to have their pictures up, so be it! Also, I so respect you for holding others' children. I won't even attempt it :)

    All that said, a knowledge counselor experienced in this very specific area is never a bad thing. . . but, ugh!, that's so not the point of this post, I know! ((Hugs)) honey.

  7. Marie~ There is NOTHING wrong with how your grieving! The gall of this church family of yours to constantly give you this crappy advice. This isn't the first time that they've made you feel bad about yourself and I just feel so badly for you that you don't have a church family that can lovingly help you through this process. ((hugs))

    How long have you guys been going to this church? Ugh, I'm sorry, lovey...

  8. I am so saddened by the fact that your Christian friends, who should be supporting you are so confused at how to HELP you! You have every right to keep the pictures of your little ones around. You have every right to talk about them. I try to convince myself that others just don't understand and that they don't mean to hurt you with their words. One of the most profound things I've read on my journey is "They maximized our pain by minimizing our loss." It's so hard to find someone to talk to about our feelings..someone who truly won't judge us. And to see that you can't even live your life, without someone trying to tell you how... is so sad to me! Try to keep your head up as hard as it is! Keep pressing forward. HUGS

  9. First off, your pastor was out of line. Completely. Having pictures of babies up is not unhealthy; they are your children. If their photos make others uncomfortable, that is THEIR problem. Christ said let the little children come to me. Our babies are the littlest of children. They deserve the same love and support from others that our full term children would have. We have pics in our house and sometimes people are uncomfy. I'm not sorry. Those are my children. Yes, they look different from expectations, but God made them perfectly.

    I am so disappointed when clergy behave so insensitively. I am just so sorry, Marie. You guys are doing well and this just isnt right.