Friday, January 30, 2009

I must give thanks

George Bernard Shaw wrote, "There is no love sincerer than the love of God". This is a profound statement that I had to meditate on last night. Through all my trials (and I have been through many), I must remember that God knows and sees all, but most of all, he loves me unconditionally. Each trial only makes me stronger. I have learnt so much and have grown so much closer to my hubby and family, and even though I would have chosen for this to not have happen, I am comforted by his love.
I consider all that I have been through just part of the battle scars. If he laid on that cross and died for me, and endured all he did, I sure can endure and pull through this. He is the ultimate example of self-less love.

Okay onto what I really want to say. Yesterday started out really good, I felt confident that we would conceive in the coming weeks, but I had a minor emotional set back. I always felt (and told myself often), that I am ok. Two ladies who just had their babies came by work to show them off and I lost it. Not because I am not happy for them, but for the fact that I wish that could have been me. Again, I had to remind myself that my plans are not God's plans and he has something greater in store for me. Who knows? Maybe he will give me double for my trouble. 
I have realized that it is ok to get emotional at times. I am truly happy that AJ did not suffer and is now resting in the arms of God and I truly miss her and hope to see her again. Many women who have lost their children years ago, still get emotional after all this time. I am grieving and will still grieve.

I told my hubby though, that I don't want to cry. I want to think of her and smile because she was here with us, even though it was short. I want to hear her name and smile, I want to smell her blanket and smile, I want to remember her face and smile.  She truly was a blessing to us and was a representation of our love and God's love. We will never know the reason why he took her away from us, but we must trust and believe that he knows best.

Today is 3 dpo.  I have three more days to see if I have implantation bleeding, but I have discovered over the years that when you really want something, it seems to stay away. So we shall see.

Awaiting my expected end.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

God always takes the angels...

Today I am feeling great! I am really optimistic about the next pregnancy whenever it will present itself. I must say that I am anxious for it to happen soon though. I really really really really really really hope that it has already happened or is happening. Throughout the day I find myself being a cheerleader urging the eggies and spermies to meet.

Last night, hubby and I had a discussion about the sex of any child we have. I really want another girl (but of course I will take whatever the lord sees fit to give me), but I can't help but feel that if I do, I will be comparing her to AJ. I think, will I slip up and call her AJ?? Lol. I hope not that would be too creepy. Dh wants whatever he gets and will be happy either way, but I can't help but think if I have a boy, I will be wistful about a girl (AJ). Oh well... I seem to be planning and ranting and I am not even pregnant yet. LOL.

My big sis and I were having a conversation and I told her that I still feel it was my fault that AJ died, and she to me , "Marie, God always takes the angels because he needs them to perform greater works". Wow!!!!! I am comforted that I have my very own angel looking down on me and sending me thoughts of peace and love. I must say that throught the experience of losing AJ, I have learned patience, appreciation for the little things, and I don't worry so much about silly things or people. I have had a taste of mommyhood and crave to experience it even further.

Well, today is 2 dpo (days past ovulation). I have been feeling some pain in my ovaries (if you can feel it) little twinges here and there, and everytime I ovulate I get nauseous. I am optimistic and taking this as a good sign that the spermies and eggies are doing there thing. Lets see what happens from now on.
I have made a commitment not to test until I have missed a cycle, that way I don't get any false hopes and have them dashed in the end.

Awaiting my expected end. Goooooooooooooooooooooooooo spermies!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Ok. Today I am ovulating. Dh and I have made a commitment to dtd until Wednesday to be on the safe side. I am excited!!!! I had a dream last night that I carried to term without even realizing it.
The Dream
I was at church with another pregnant lady and we were both due any day. I was sitting at a table looking at her folder adorned with possible names for her daughter. She went into labor and it was at that point that dh swept me off my feet to take me home.
I woke up and after taking a shower realized what the dream meant. I CAN do this!!! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Did he not promise to keep me this time around??? If so then why am I leaning on my own understanding??? I will have an excellent pregnancy next time because this is my year to shine!!!!

The Jackpot Ticker
I included the ticker up top as a way to help me track when to test. I will test the week after AF is due so I am completely sure and don't test before so I don't get false hopes. AF is due on the 10-13 and I will test after that date, as after a m/c periods can be irregular. At this point I am confident I will get pregnant. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about it. The God of my salvation withholds nothing good from his people. Everyday I will be one step closer to my goal.

When will I telly me family??? Is the question of the moment. If I could, I would not tell them until after the cerclage, but I know thats not possible so maybe before. I will not tell anyone else. My dilemma is how will I hide it from everyone??? I was showing pretty early. I will be wearing dh's shirts and try my best. If anyone asks, I will say, we would love to and if we are it would be a blessing.

On my support site, a lady who had her m/c 2 days before mine is PREGNANT!!! Yes I did say pregnant. She is maybe 5 - 6 weeks along and I am amazed. She is older and hey, if it can happen for her, it can happen for me. I am so excited for her, because it gives me hope. I am worried though. She got preggo mighty quick! I would be worried about my lining not being strong enough to support the placenta, but I am praying for an uneventful pregnancy for her.

Still awaiting my expected end.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Nervous, yet excited.

Today is CD 13. I am so ready to ovulate. Dh and I have timed our fertile days and are doing all we can to ensure that this happenes. I know you cannot plan pregnancies, but we have been trying to plan this one, because we want children so much. Funny, you never know how much you want something until you lose it. I guess the old adage rings true.

I am exctied, yet nervous. What if it does not happen?? What if it does?? When should I contact the doc??? Should I wait till week 6?? Or call right away? What if it is a chemical preg? Or a blighted ovum?? Will I be able to endure a m/c? Is my body even ready?? Will the doc be mad b/c we did not wait for another period? Am I putting myself and a baby more at risk? I am getting waaaayyyyy ahead of myself, but this is what I have become. I have faith and trust God, but the human side of us, still asks these questions. I know, I know, I know, that I should not worry about these things, but take them one day at a time, or that is at least what my friend Toya tells me. She is going through the same thing. She had her cerclage and had a scare this weekend, which made me even more nervous.

We will see what the 2 week wait holds. On CD 25 I can test, and we will take it from there.

Still awaiting my expected end.

Friday, January 23, 2009

CD 11.

Today is Cycle Day 11. That means I have 17 days before I can test to see if I am expecting again. I have actually gotten an ovulation calendar that pinpoints my most fertile days and has used that as a guide to do the deed (dtd). I ovulate on Monday and anyting can happen between now and that time. We are hoping that we get pregnant this cycle, because with AJ we got preggo the day after I got off of birth control (funny huh? and they say it takes a couple weeks to get out of your system). If we don't get pregnant this cycle, we still have more to go.

When we lost AJ it felt as if a part of me died. There are days I still struggle with feeling this way but knowing that God will not put more on me than I can bear, I have hope. I blame myself at times thinking that there must have been some sign I missed and worry about the next pregnancy. I remeber at the end of the 1st trimester, I asked the doc, if everything was ok b/c I did not have any morning sickeness, and he said that there was a 99% chance everything will go well, b/c this 2nd trimester is usually the safest. What a laugh!! So instead of worrying the first 13 weeks only, I will have a total of 28 weeks of worry?! Especially If I am put on bedrest?!

Still waiting on my expected end.