Monday, December 7, 2009

Nothing New II

Here are some responses from this post. The scripture says; Ecclesiastes 1:9,10 (King James Version) The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
10 Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us.

As for me, it took me quite a while to "get it," so my first reaction was really to kind of laugh and brush it off. I was not understanding. Then came the confusion. Then, hours later when it finally sunk in. . . "defeated" is the word I have most often used. I don't remember if I cried, although I'm sure I did. But I don't think I bawled or was hysterical. I just remember crawling under the covers in that hospital bed and feeling defeated.

When my doctor uttered the words, "no heartbeat", I really don't remember what happened at first. I know I cried, I know I curled up in that hospital bed and squeezed my husbands hand. That was the worst moment of my life.

When N. was born unexpectedly at home, I was in shock. He was moving and, even though my head must have known he was too young to survive, I just tried to keep him warm and tell him how much I loved him until the EMTs arrived. They tried everything to save him, even thought they too must have known it wasnt possible. 2 weeks later, when S.'s water broke, I knew that the chances I'd carry her 6 more weeks to viability were slim to none. When she was born, all I could think was that I wanted her to know how much we loved her. When I went into the hospital with A., we just decided to take every day as a special blessing. When his labor progressed and couldnt be stopped, we knew that he wouldnt survive and we just told God that we delivered his spirit into His hands and thanked Him for the time we had. We told A. how much we loved him and held him close.

When I realized J. might not make it at the 5 month check up I was mostly naive and optimistic. When she died a few months later, I felt dead. I felt like my purpose ended. I soon entered this zombie-like demeanor and it really kept me sane from feeling the full brunt of this devastating loss. I stayed "numb" for at least 6 weeks. When that wore off, I began to feel, really feel the deep sadness that I was almost convinced could kill me. My husband was much more grounded than me.

Well, I guess my moment would be when we found out about C.'s fatal diagnosis. I got the call that there was something concerning on the US and made the trip back to the hospital. When I found out I was by myself (well technically my coworker was in the room but I don't count him). I had just read my US report and the first thing was shock. Was this really happening to me? I didn't cry until I heard it come from our doctor's mouth just in case there was a *slim* chance I had read wrong. Strangely, at a moment when I should've been so broken I felt at peace. I felt the same peace again when she was born, even though she wasn't born alive like we were praying for.

The night before J. was born I had started bleeding extremely heavy so I don't even think I could really process what was going on. I got to the ER and I remember seeing his heartbeat on the ultrasound machine just for the doc to tell me he was going to die. It didn't sink in till after I delivered him. M. (dh) felt it much sooner then I did. Ironically like some of the other ladies who have posted I did feel some peace when I first held him in my arms. I just wish that peace lasted sometimes.

Now, I am no minister and no great interpreter of the word, but I can always relay what I get from it, and what it means to me. If anyone has any other translation, please feel free :-).
Basically, this scripture tells me that if something significant has happened to me, it has probably happened to someone else. I cannot say it is a "new" thing, because as the scripture reminds me, someone, somewhere, has also experienced/is experiencing the same thing.
That being said, our losses, my losses are not something new, it is how we react that makes our situation unique to us. I reacted in a "numb" way. Others reacted differently.
Some may not understand the bond we all have, or how the support this community gives. Yes, we have all experienced losses, and we talk about, share, and love our babies freely. Some people think it is macabre, and we should just "move on" and even ask, "why do you look at blogs with dead babies?". For me, it is not just looking at dead babies, it is looking into the heart and soul of another mother who has experienced the same loss. It is reading posts that describe in detail, feelings that I could not put into words myself. It is learning from the experience of others, it is sharing information so that we can hopefully avoid another loss. Most of all, it is a feeling of normalcy. In my "not so normal" world, where I only know a few DBM, I cannot freely share, discuss, or grieve my babies, but in this community, I am free to be ME.

So, yes there is nothing new under the sun, and you know what? I am glad there is nothing new. If I had to go through this all y myself, I would be a total mess. Who would I talk to? Where would I go for support (other that dh)? This nothing new, makes my losses and grief more bearable.

Where is my expected end?


  1. There isn't enough words that I can say to help heal a wounded heart! I've been down this road such as you and leaning on my faith is the ONLY thing that got me through. God is good! As the old people say, "HE may not come when you want to but HE always comes right on time". Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Marie, this community is amazing and you are right....the experiances are different, but alot of the feelings are the same. We all feel similar feelings at different points in our grieving process.

    It is only around other dbm's that I can truely be myself.

  3. The support that we have all created for one another is truly amazing. I am so thankful for all of you and am not quite sure what I would be like in this moment without many of you.

    As Jessica said, the experiences are different however a lot of the feelings are the same. That is so true. I don't only blog to have a special place to go to for my babies and to write my thoughts, but I also blog to share with others and to help honor other's babies.

    The only people who truly understand my thoughts and emotions are those who have lived it, who feel the same heartache, and suffer this loss. I hate that so many of us are here however I am so thankful to have everyone to share with.


  4. Hi Marie,

    This has been the hardest thing for me...trying to get out of my grief. I am torn about "the community" because i feel so overwhelmed sometimes, and so bitter and so so darn full of grief that I don't want to think and see anymore grief.

    I don't think that people write about these things, but that's been my struggle lately. I I had to go through this all by myself I would have fallen apart worse than I have...

    Thanks for sharing this...

  5. Support does make ALL the difference. I agree, wholeheartedly.

  6. I'm glad there's nothing new too. It's nice to know there are others who have walked the road before.