Saturday, October 31, 2009

Composed myself - advice needed

Hello ladies,

Well, I finally composed myself (well I did yesterday). Thanks for the wonderful comments and heartfelt prayers. I am sure you all know me by now, and know that I will always put up a fight.

On my lunch break, I called the insurance company. I spoke to two people who kept sending me to the medical department. When the medical department heard I was a patient, they immediately transferred me back to customer service. Well, by the third person I was livid! This lady K, was quite helpful. I explained my history to her and what this surgery entailed, I asked her to please take time to understand my medical needs and the limited options I have. I cited their vision to them which is "to provide the same level of care to patients as they would a family member" and asked, are you telling me that you would approve this for your daughter or sister? I said to her, I am 25 years old and have had to cremate 2 babies 8 months apart, the Dr.'s will not tie my tubes. So I am going to continually get pregnant and basically naturally-abort (that is what they call stillbirths). Mentally and physically my heart and body cannot take it.
She responded that she agreed and cannot understand why they would deny such a necessary procedure (finally someone understands). She tried to get a hold of her supervisor (who was in a meeting) and said she would call me back by 3:00pm.

Well by 3:30pm, I called her back. She said she did speak to her supervisor, who is speaking to the medical department to see what happened and what can be done. They did not call back by the end of the workday, but I will be calling on Monday morning to get an update. I am prepared to go as high up as I possibly can, and will take it to the news media if necessary.
I also wrote a 2-page grievance letter which I am planning to deliver in person on Monday as well as pictures of my babies and their Urns. Maybe then someone will listen to me.
Even if they cover it 80%, which is my out of network benefit, I have no problem coming up with the balance but to pay 100% out of pocket plus expenses is next to impossible.

This is where I am happy for "blogverse". You meet so many people from different fields. I me Jessica a few months ago who works/used to work for an Insurance company, who gave me advice then, and will give me advice now (check Facebook Jess!).
All of you come in as well. What else can I do? Who the hell makes these decisions anyway? A group of people or one person?

Where is my expected end?

Friday, October 30, 2009


I am sitting in my classroom and the phone rings. My heart dropped to the floor when I heard the news. Dr. D called to let me know that V.ista (the insurance company) denied my claim and stated that the procedure would only be approved in an emergency situation.

On a teachers salary, this is next to impossible to pay out of pocket for the surgery in December. I am at a loss for words. How much worse can this day get? I have to keep my composure as my next round of students will be here in a minute. I want to freaking bawl my eyes out, and I just lost my appetite.

Where is my expected end?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

What the hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the past few days I have been wondering what is wrong with some people. Something happened that has me reeling in shock and has set of a chain of events. Please let me know what you would do or would have done.

Background - I go to a large predominantly African American church. My experience with them is that they are nosy, think they know it all, and are quick to diagnose and supply with their "advice".
There is a lady in my church that also has an incompetent cervix (as well as other issues), and has lost 2 babies. She now has a little one and during her pregnancy discovered that she did not suffer from iIC, but something else. When she lost her babies, she lost it. She needed sleeping pills, went to see a therapist, and had a total meltdown. Please keep in mind - SHE is not me - not even close-we are complete opposites! Her and her husband had problems long before they got married, and the death of her babies escalated it and they divorced.

When I lost Alyssa-Joy, they all had something to say. You should not have worn heels, God knows best, you are young, to the most ignorant - you were not ready.
If you remember, I kept my pregnancy with Evan from everyone except my immediate family. I did so for a reason - they are all crazy.

Last Sunday night I went to church as the Youth were in charge. Now, there are days as I am sure you all agree, that I get sad. There are days I don't feel like worshipping. There are days I just want to wallow in self-pity and grieve for my babies - this was one such day.
So I sat in my seat for the entire service. Towards the end, the Youth leader came and grabbed my hand saying she wants to claim my victory with me. I looked at her and told her, I am really not in the mood. She proceeded to try and pull me up to which I resisted. She then went on to tell me that it was all in my mind and I should "free myself". I looked at her like she had horns on her head. Well some of the other women heard my response and then the next thing I knew, a throng of women were around me praying for my "deliverance". Women who knew nothing about me! I was so livid, I just sat there. This only made it worse. Gang - you should have heard the prayers! How I should not be bitter, something could have been wrong with my child, Jesus must free me, I must not let the devil take hold of me, the works. WHAT THE HELL??????? The whole time I sat there frozen in shock (now this is unusual for me as I am quite mouthy - but this goes to show you how shocked I was - normally I would have told them to get the hell away from me! This went on until the minister in charge (another idiot - but thats another story for another day) asked them to please step away from me.
I got up and calmly walked out.

On Tuesday I got home and all the babies things were packed away, even the Urns! In a panic I called hubby and asked why did he put their things away and he said we do not need to look at their things everyday. I will not delve any further as some choice words were said to him and I restored their things to their original spots. The next morning when I woke up, I was much calmer. I said to him. You know, the unexpectedness at which you took their things down makes me believe that you did not come up with this idea yourself. He did not comment. Well, here comes church people and their input again.
Apparently, the Youth Leader told him that having them up is not healthy and stops the healing process. I did not not discover this until after the next conversation. Point blank-he is to not discuss me with anyone other than family. That has been settled, squared away and we have moved on (I am still pissed off at him by the way). Yeah, I can hold a grudge for a while. :-)

On Thursday, I got two phone calls - TWO! The first one was from the Youth Leader. She called to encourage me to go to counseling and that she spoke to my husband and her impression was that I am jealous of his kids, I blame him for my loss, and my marriage is falling apart so I need to get help. Again, WHAT THE HELL?????????????
She then proceeded to tell me about her sister (the girl who they thought had IC) and how she went insane and it broke up her marriage, and how she hated pregnant women. Well my hot temper returned. I told her thank you for your concern but I am not her sister and left it at that. I hung up and immediately lit into hubby.
After speaking to him I got the gist of what was said. Apparently after the whole fiasco Sunday, her and her husband approached him and asked if I needed counseling. He replied to them that he does not know, but he does know that sometimes I get sad and then I don't talk to him - I keep how I am feeling inside. This led them to believe that my marriage is falling apart. I cussed him out and let him know not to discuss me with people, especially church people, especially these people as they are quick to jump to conclusions and not it is going to be all over the church that my marriage is falling apart.
Now, if you truly know dh and I, you would know that is the farthest from the truth.

Twenty minutes later, I got another call from one of the holy raisers who was "praying" for me on Sunday. She proceeded to tell me how she knows a woman and the Dr. told her she will never have kids and now she has 12. I calmly told her that my problem is not infertility - in fact, I am very fertile - if I sneeze I get pregnant. She then went on to tell me that she knows a lady who had 4 miscarriages and now has 4 kids - I stopped her right there. I said to her, I DID NOT HAVE A MISCARRIAGE, I HAD A STILL BIRTH! I then went on to explain the difference between the two.
She then said, well, whatever it was, and how this lady wants to have lunch and talk to me. She then said, the lady told her when she had her miscarriages, how she almost lost her mind and destroyed her marriage. I reminded her I am not like everyone else. She then started telling me about the same girl at church and how she went crazy. Again, I said to her, DO NOT COMPARE ME TO OTHER PEOPLE!
The purpose of her call was to give me the name and number of a counselor because I need help. Lady, did I tell you I needed help???????? Do I look like my world is falling apart???? Did I tell you I hated God??????????? Did I tell you I wanted you to get me a shrinks number? All because I refused to let you pray for me????????

I am beyond pissed! Church people think they know it all. I would never in a million years call someone that I see only for 2 hours one day a week and tell them they need a shrink! Are they with me 24 hours, 7 days a week to know how I am coping???? I even asked her, where the hell were you when I was on bedrest???? Now you want to "help" me????????
Ladies, please tell me am not crazy and that I did not behave irrationally. I am aware of my own self. If I needed counseling, I would be the first one to go - no one would have to tell me. In fact, my family would drag me to a counselor if they thought I needed one.
Am I not allowed to be sad???? Am I supposed to put up a brave front everyday and "fake the funK"???????? Why do people expect me to be over it? What if I don't feel like smiling they think something is wrong with me?
I need input. If you are here from facebook, send me a message through their. I am amazed at the nerve of some people.

Dear Church People,

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF. I know my God, my sanity and am still in my right mind. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!

Where is my expected end?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Over The Top Award

Its a lazy Saturday ladies! I hope we are all having a productive one - I know I'm not. :-)

Alana nominated me for another award (thanks Alana!). Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:
USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best!

Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!
1. Where is your cell phone? Couch
2.Your hair? Black
3. Your mother? Gone
4. Your father? Loving
5. Your favorite food? Italian
6. Your dream last night? Babies
7. Your favorite drink? Coke
8. Your dream/goal? Mom
9. What room are you in? Kitchen
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Alive
13. Where were you last night? TGIFridays
14. Something that you aren’t? Lazy
15. Muffins? Chocolate
16. Wish list item? Raise
17. Where did you grow up? Jamaica
18. Last thing you did? Laundry
19. What are you wearing? Dress
20. Your TV? On
21. Your pets? None
22. Friends? Few
23. Your life? Blessed
24. Your mood? Bored
25. Missing someone? Babies
26. Vehicle? Honda
27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
28. Your favorite store? Macy's
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? July
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
32. Your best friend? Hubby
33. One place that I go to over and over? Church
34. One person who emails me regularly? Boss
35. Favorite place to eat? Cheescake.Factory

And now my tag-ees!
...... and everyone else who wants to play along!

Happy Saturday Gang!

Where is my expected end?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Burning Bright!

My candles were lit in memory of my babies and all the babies gone too soon. Until we meet again my sweethearts. I remember you not just today, but everyday.

Where is my expected end?

For my babies and blog sisters who have lost as well....

Know that I am thinking of you today. My candle is ready and waiting to be lit. I wore my butterfly pins today and was not surprised by the amount of comments I received. Many of my colleagues were not even aware of today. I will post tomorrow highlighting my pins and the burning candles.

To uplift me today, my twin sister sent me this scripture. I am sharing it with you and I hope it uplifts you too.
Thanks sis!

And the Lord answered me and said, "Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end, it shall speak, and not lie. Though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry". (Habakkuk 2:2)
Today for my angels Alyssa-Joy and Evan. Gone but definitely not forgotten.

I wish today was a day we all did not know about, but please know that through all the hurt and pain, our expected end is on its way. Thinking of you all.

Where is my expected end?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wont you please, light a candle with me? - Facebook Note

This is the note I created on Face.Book encouraging everyone to light a candle and remember our babies for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. Instead of writing a new post and blubbering while writing, I will just copy and paste.
Please light a candle with me tomorrow night in memory of my babies - I will be doing the same for all of you.

Face.Book Note

Did you know that by 20 weeks gestation, a baby has already developed his brain, heart, finger and hand prints, and fat cells?
Did you know that by 20 weeks, a baby is swallowing?
Did you know that if a baby is born at 20 weeks, you have to physically deliver him/her?
Did you that when delivering that baby you are taken to labor and delivery?
Do you know how it feels to hear newborn babies crying around you, when you are delivering a baby that will not survive?
Did you know that a baby born at 20 weeks, is born alive, but dies within minutes or hours from the lungs not being fully developed?
Did you know that after delivering said baby, your milk comes in?
Do you know how it feels to have your baby kick you one last time before being delivered, and you KNOW that it is the last time you will feel him/her kick?
Did you know that a baby born at 20 weeks is recognized, must be named, and buried/cremated?
Do you know that having an extremely premature baby changes you forever?
Do you know how it feels to be known as a "dead baby mama"?
Do you know how it feels to go through it twice?
Do you know how it feels to miss someone so bad before you even got to know them?

This is the reality of many women. If you take a survey, you will find many women who have lost. It is a taboo subject as many expect you to get over it and move on. Knowing this, many do not share their experience of loss as many consider it macabre. This is MY reality as well.

This time last year, I knew nothing about Thursday October 15th. It is now a day that is forever engraved in my memory. We all know someone who has had a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or have an infant die. This day is known as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

My name is Marie, I am 25 years old and have lost TWO 20 week old babies - born too early to survive. I am forever changed. I am not the person I once was. I am more compassionate, sympathetic, I cry more, I show love more, I give thanks more, I appreciate my husband and family more. I am a mom with no children to show for it.
I am mom to two precious babies - Alyssa-Joy Katherine and Evan George born too young to survive.

If you know someone who has lost a child too early, please join in the Wave of Light tomorrow night, or please light a candle for my 2 babies. Light a candle in memory of these babies born too soon at 7:00 pm your time, and leave it burning for one hour.

Remember our babies with us, no matter how brief their time on earth was.

Thank you

To Mommy, from your angel…

I once was going to be born and this I couldn’t wait,
I knew that everyone was expecting me, I would try not to be late.
But I really wasn’t sure what was on the other side,
I tried to accept what was happening but I knew I couldn’t hide.

I couldn’t help but wonder who my parents were to be,
I knew for sure that no matter what, they would always love me.
So I thought about it for awhile, but I knew I had to leave,
I went on to another place, it is so beautiful it’s hard to believe.

I had a job to do, but it wasn’t here on earth,
I am so sorry you had to miss it, the day of my birth.
I wanted so bad to stay and be at home with you,
But I knew that there was something up here that I had to do.

I am now a Guardian Angel and I hope that you are proud,
I watch over you and Daddy, I peek down through the clouds.
I hope you know how much I love you, and how hard it was to go,
I miss you so much everyday, but I am sure you already know.

So please don’t ever forget me, as I will do the same,
You know this wasn’t your fault, there is no one to blame.
God needed me to be by his side and take good care of you,
So there is no need to be sad now and no need to be blue.

If you ever get lonely, just look up at the sky,
Like if you had a thought of me or just needed to say “hi”.

I am so happy with the way things are, even though it may not seem,
I talk to you in the night time, I touch you when you dream.
I want to see the same for you, give a smile for me today,
Because I know that we will meet again in some other sort of way.

I will be up here waiting for you, to open the gates real wide
And help you come home to Heaven, to take a step inside.
I thank you for loving me so much, please believe that this is true,
And there is no one I could ever love more, Mommy, as much as I love you.

Where is my expected end?????

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Knife in my heart

Hello gang!

Today finds me in a somber mood. I opened my e-mail after months of not checking it, and the first thing I see is "Congrats on reaching 31 weeks!". This is the magical week where I would have started buying items in preparation for Evan's arrival. Instead, I sit here with an empty heart and empty arms. I miss my babies so much and would give anything to have them with me. How can I love someone so much and I never even got to know them? How can I miss them so much when they were only here for a fleeting moment???

I see my dear friends and coworkers pregnant and enjoying their pregnancies, and all I can do is run the other direction. Where is the woman I once was? The one who was bubbly and optimistic? I have been lurking on the forum (hobh), because it hurts my heart to see the women who were the same gestation I was. It hurts to see them celebrate each milestone because I know I can not do the same.
If anyone says the pain gets better, they lie. The pain gets worse. Every baby I see is a knife in my heart, every preggo belly I see is a reminder of what was. I am having a really tough day and have no idea what to do. Should I curl in a corner and cry? or should I suck it up and will the tears away?

I do not want to show weakness, but there are moments throughout the day when I just want to run away and wail. How can I enjoy life when I know birth control does not work for me? Everytime hubby and I dtd, I worry about falling pregnant and losing another pregnancy. I worry about being pregnant too soon. I know the TAC has a high success rate, but I can't help but wonder if I will ever let my guard down again.

Please keep me in your prayers tonight, that my heart can find peace.

Sorry for the rambling - I just needed to get it out.

Where is my expected end?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Happy Angelversary Mom!

19 years ago today, my precious mother took her final breath. Her body was wracked and abused by the vicious disease knows as Cancer. She fought and toiled until her spirit became weak. Then she answered her savior's voice when he called her home. The days leading to her death, I was told she was radiant as ever. She requested to look her best those last days. She received visitors, made them promise to take care of her children, and bid them good bye.

My mother is an inspiration to me. Everyone she met, she made an impact on their lives. She was a christian and made sure her children were in church. Everyone she met, she told them about the love of God. Even though I was only 6, I remember the feel of her skin, the scent of her body, but her voice is faded.
She missed every milestone, but I felt her presence at every one. There are days I need her the most (what girl doesn't?), but my dad stepped right in. i am comforted knowing that she was there to meet my babies - what a great welcome they received. I know that she is absolutely spoiling them.

You made me the woman I am today. You paved the way for me to know Christ. Your legacy, passion and drive, made me want to strive for excellence. I love you more today than yesterday, and miss you more than ever.

She Shall be Praised

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth no the bread of idleness.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
- Proverbs 31: 10, 25-31

Joy Jeneva James-R - R.I.P

Where is my expected end?