Monday, November 9, 2009

Forgive Me

My heart aches tonight. Not for my babies, but for all my sisters who are battling infertility. I never know what to say when I meet someone who is trying their hardest to conceive. Do I say, "I'm sorry"? Do I say "Keep the faith"? "Do I say it will happen for you"?
Today, I met another woman who is battling with infertility - secondary infertility to be exact. She has a 7 year old and has been trying for 5 years to give her son a sibling. This woman has just about given up and has accepted that she will only have one child. She considered IVF, but thinks it is not guaranteed. She is a Uniques Aide for one of my students and she is tender and lovng with not just her personal charge, but with all the students she assists when in my classroom. Just seeing how wonderful she is with the children breaks my heart. What do I say? What can I do?

It seems that after losing two babies, I am more in tune with others. I sense their pain and want to do something about it but cannot, as I have no idea what to do.
I went to a seminar tonight and my Assistant Principal and another co-worker were talking. My AP had IVF to help conceive. She told me that when she went in to implant the eggs, the Dr. told her only one was of good quality. She was depressed during the two week wait, but thankfully, it resulted in a healthy baby. She also informed me of how expensive it was ($15,000 for her).
I cam home tonight and I reflected on the many times I commented how "damn fertile" I was, and thought how insensitive of me. Not knowing that she was going through it and still had these feelings even though she has her rainbow baby. She stated that though she is grateful for her son, her heart still aches for the children she may never have.
I also thought about all of you, my wonderful support system and how some of you are struggling.
If I have ever said something insensitive, please forgive me. It is never my intention to drive the knife a little deeper. If It were as easy as giving you a few of my eggs, I would. I love you all and appreciate you that much. When you hurt, I hurt. I pray for all of you daily.
I am going to go to my AP tomorrow and will apologize foe anything I may have said in the past that was insensitive. Please help me out here. It seems I am always meeting someone who battles this "disease". If you battle this condition, what is is that you dislike hearing from others? I would love to know, so I never stick my foot in my mouth.

Where is my expected end?


  1. Marie, this is such a wonderful post. I think until we have been through child loss, our hearts do become more aware of similar pain and loss. I cannot imagine what the right thing would be to say to someone battling infertility, but I think it counts that you are being cautious and considerate.


  2. I don't think you've been insensitive. Sure, you can get pregnant easily, but you've still lost two babies. Recurrent loss is a type of infertility. Maybe you could just say you are sorry. That you understand the aching desire to have children and the obstacles it takes to get there.

  3. Marie *hugs* The best thing you can do for your friends and co-workers is to just listen. You develop a sense of that when you become part of this community because you can relate to the yearning and heartache of wanting a living child. Its ok to say "I'm sorry."

    Like Bree said...recurrent miscarraige is considered a type of infertility. I never thought of it that way till I started reading books.

    In one way, shape or another we are all in this battle together. *hugs*

  4. Ah, honey. I'm so sorry you're burdened with this. While I of course can't speak for those you know IRL, I don't think you have ever said anything offensive here.

    As for what to say, I really think the answer is the same as what you would like to hear. Infertility is a loss, too. For me, with respect to both IF and losing our twins, I most appreciate hearing things like, "this sucks," "I'm so sorry," or "I'm so sad for you." Sometimes even, "I can't imagine."

    I personally would not respond well to things such as "keep the faith," or "it will happen" because, for many women, that just might not be true and/or may not be true without spending more money and energy than they could ever imagine.

    I applaud you for being so aware, and am sending you so much strength if you do decide to speak to your AP. I understand what you mean about losing your children making you more in tune with others, I feel that my experience has been much the same.


  5. I think the most comforting words are the ones from the heart. I've always appreciated "I dont know what that is like and I'm sorry you are going through this."