I saw the therapist last Thursday and I must say, though it was good to go, it did not help me in any way, shape or form. She did help me realize that I cannot carry the burden of trying to educate others on how to respond to a situation such as mine. As I was telling her my story, the only word that kept coming to her lips were "how horrific". (I told you I was unique!). She remarked at the end of my story that I have a strength that surpassed that of people in their 70's and 80's. She stated that she could not believe how strong I was, and did believe that I prepared my self for the possibility of another loss.
She was horrified ( theres that word again) at my Pastor's comments and the actions of the church people. She agreed with me that they are judging me based on how his daughter reacted when she had her losses. She said to let the Pastor know that this is a personal matter and we do not need him to be involved - just to pray for us. She also asked my feelings about the church in general. I am ashamed to say that I have not been back to church since the incident. I have a strong dislike (hate is too strong of a word) in my heart. Instead of being a hypocrite and going, I have stayed home and prayed to God and asked him to rid me of these feelings. I have made up my mind to speak the pastor and let him know (in a cordial manner) exactly how his words affected me.
The therapist also stated that she does not believe that counseling would benefit me, but she is always there to talk, be a confidant, and a guide. I might go to one more session just to see and then call it quits.
As I was watching O.prah today (she was interviewing Whitney Houston), I heard the song, "I didn't know my own strength. Ladies, this song was speaking to me. I really did not know how strong I was until I experienced loss. I have realized that I can withstand (with the help of God) many things that come my way. If I can go through this, there is nothing I can't conquer.
I have learned to focus on the positive things in life, and let go of the trivial stuff. I have learned to brush my shoulders off and move on. I have learned who my true friends are, and what an awesome family I have.
This strength only came because of these losses. I shudder to think about the person I used to be (well, some parts). I was self-centered (to an extent), I was sarcastic, and really did not give too much thought about others and their feelings. Now, I am more empathetic, sympathetic, and show love more. I have experienced and given true love to my babies.
This strength comes because of his strength. Ps. 18:32 states; It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
Without him and his strength to guide me, imagine where I would be? Though he chose to take my babies, I MUST put my trust in him, and further believe that his strength is made perfect in MY weakness.
Where is my expected end?