Thank you for all the wonderful comments and book suggestion. I have been going to that church for the past 9 years. I am extremely sad and disheartened today. I keep asking God, why the hell did I have to be the one to go through this? I have even gone as far as wanting to just give up. Frankly, I am tired of being strong and defending my actions to others. It is as if they want me to pretend that nothing happened and these babies did not exist.
I will NEVER move on. They are my babies. I carried them for 19+ and 20+ weeks. How can I forget my own flesh and blood? How can I pretend that they existed? If I have to remember them on my own, that is what I will do. I will always keep them close to my heart. If this is the only place I can talk about them, then this is where they will be remembered and treasured.
Through this whole fiasco, my sister posted something on her face.book status that got the church members in an uproar. Somehow this filtered down to dh and he and my sister had a huge fight, which somehow filtered down to me. So in addition to already feeling crappy and less of a woman, dh and I are not speaking. He is leaving tomorrow for a week and a half and this is not how I envisioned his last day here. To say it has been a crappy day is an understatement.
I do not know why people insist on offering advice. They may think it comforts, but it does the opposite. It makes me feel as if something is wrong with me, which in turn makes me feel useless. It is one of those days where I need a hug and no one is there to give it to me. I don't think they really understand that I already battle with feelings of guilt and sadness. They simply just pile it on.
I have turned off my phone and have deleted all the church people off my face.book account. I really cannot take this anymore. Do I need counseling? I did not think so, but after this I might need it because of all these people. I even remarked to hubby this morning that this is why I don't show sadness. When I do, people look at me like I have two horns on my head.
For Alyssa-Joy's birthday, I will be celebrating by myself sing dh will be out of town anyway. I am also checking out of thanksgiving. I cannot go around my family and pretend everything is fine when that day is what started the chain of events that led to me losing AJ.
I have never battled depression, but right now, it might be in the near future if I have to keep putting up with crap like this.
Where is my expected end?