Monday, November 16, 2009


Thank you for all the wonderful comments and book suggestion. I have been going to that church for the past 9 years. I am extremely sad and disheartened today. I keep asking God, why the hell did I have to be the one to go through this? I have even gone as far as wanting to just give up. Frankly, I am tired of being strong and defending my actions to others. It is as if they want me to pretend that nothing happened and these babies did not exist.

I will NEVER move on. They are my babies. I carried them for 19+ and 20+ weeks. How can I forget my own flesh and blood? How can I pretend that they existed? If I have to remember them on my own, that is what I will do. I will always keep them close to my heart. If this is the only place I can talk about them, then this is where they will be remembered and treasured.

Through this whole fiasco, my sister posted something on her status that got the church members in an uproar. Somehow this filtered down to dh and he and my sister had a huge fight, which somehow filtered down to me. So in addition to already feeling crappy and less of a woman, dh and I are not speaking. He is leaving tomorrow for a week and a half and this is not how I envisioned his last day here. To say it has been a crappy day is an understatement.

I do not know why people insist on offering advice. They may think it comforts, but it does the opposite. It makes me feel as if something is wrong with me, which in turn makes me feel useless. It is one of those days where I need a hug and no one is there to give it to me. I don't think they really understand that I already battle with feelings of guilt and sadness. They simply just pile it on.
I have turned off my phone and have deleted all the church people off my account. I really cannot take this anymore. Do I need counseling? I did not think so, but after this I might need it because of all these people. I even remarked to hubby this morning that this is why I don't show sadness. When I do, people look at me like I have two horns on my head.

For Alyssa-Joy's birthday, I will be celebrating by myself sing dh will be out of town anyway. I am also checking out of thanksgiving. I cannot go around my family and pretend everything is fine when that day is what started the chain of events that led to me losing AJ.
I have never battled depression, but right now, it might be in the near future if I have to keep putting up with crap like this.

Where is my expected end?


  1. Marie, I truely wish I was there to give you a huge *hug* right now. You may or may remember through my blog I had been dealing with friend issues. They thought I was crazy and overall just haven't been there for me etc etc. Anyways since I have my counselor I was able to sound off. She gave me insights into those people that just made my life easier to deal with. As great as it was to get everyone's thoughts here, I just needed someone who wouldn't judge and would just listen in the flesh. My counselor was that person. You do what you feel is best, but know if you decide to see someone, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. They just there to listen. Again *huge hugs*

  2. If only we could reach through the computer and give each other hugs!!! I would give you a huge one right now!! I will be praying that this week and next will be one of healing, of rest, and of peace. Love you, friend!

  3. I wish I was there to give you a big bug! I am so sorry. Please continue to remember your babies here. I love to read about them. I am so sorry you have had such a rough time from all directions. I hope you find some peace that only God can give. It really is ok to see a counselor if that is what you feel you need. I go to one every few weeks and it helps me so so much.


  4. ((((hugs))) I am so sorry that people are flaking out on you...and, I hope that you and your hubby make up before he goes out of town!

  5. My heart breaks for you. I am crying tears and reaching out, wanting so badly to give you that hug!!!! I don't even know what to say.

    Right now I'll just hope and pray that things are mended with your DH. I honestly believe that that can pull us through just about anything. I wish he was going to be here for your sweet girl's birthday. I'm so sorry.

  6. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with people like this so often. It's ridiculous that people can't keep their mouths shut and mind their own business. Heaven forbid they ever have to realize what you are going through. I think if you (and only you) want to see a counselor then go for it. Counseling can be so helpful.

  7. Marie, if you want to talk, email me and I will send my phone #. We have both had babies in similar ages and our church family helped support us. I want to offer that to you. I'm sorry you arent finding an outpouring of Christian family and love. Educating others about the youngest of God's children isnt easy but we are doing His work, and our babies live on in that work.