I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry......... I WILL NOT CRY!
Dang it - I just did. SIL #2 is pregnant. Life is so freaking unfair sometimes.
Wow! A year has passed and I can't believe it. It is so hard to imagine that this time last year I had to say goodbye before I even go to say hello. Baby I want you to know that your passing was not in vain. Mommy and daddy are doing
everything to honor your name and make sure that your time with us mattered. Please know that we wanted you and would have done everything in our powers to give you a fighting chance.
I am glad your big sister was there to usher you in and I know your are enjoying spending time with all your friends.
We love and miss you baby boy. Not a day goes by that you don't cross our minds and our hearts. We often think of the day that we will see you again, perfect and whole. Happy angelversary my darling and know that you are missed the same today as you were last year.
Evan George Wise - 07/25/2009
Here are a few mementos I have received over the past year honoring his life.
On July 24th, 2010, I received some devastating news. To go back over the specifics will shatter my already fragile heart. I find it hard to voluntary bring to memory the events that took place that day because I will fall apart completely. If you want to read the specifics, simply refer to this post. I titled this post "Oh Death, Where is thy Sting, Oh Grave,Where is thy Victory?" because I will not allow death to win. Though it hurts (and it hurts oh so much) I refuse to give in to death and let it win. This is why I blog. This is why I encourage and give support. Because I do not want my children's passing to be in vain.
Though Evan on this day, We do not celebrate this day. This day is a day of death to us and we choose to celebrate the day that we met. The day that we got to hold him close to our hearts, inspect his perfect features, kiss him, caress him, tell him we loved him.
Despite the sadness of this day, I pray for the Dr.'s that treated us. I pray that they have learned some good bedside manners, I pray tht they listen to their patients more, I pray that they don't treat every patient the same, I pray that Evan's life touched them, I pray that they be more sensitive. So though this day is not easy to face and there are a gamut of emotions that we are experiencing, we continue to honor the memory of our son, and make sure to remind others that HIS LIFE MATTERED.
Today is my 26th birthday. I never thought in my 26 years on this earth that I would know so much loss, pain, heartache. Despite these hard emotions, I never thought I would know so much love. Love from children, family, and strangers (though we are no longer strangers :-0).
I was adamant that I would not be celebrating my birthday this year because of all the emotions that accompany this day. Last year, I spent part of my birthday in the hospital and the other half at home. I was so distraught and worried that I did not want anyone to visit or call. To put it bluntly, my birthday last year sucked.
Well my husband was determined to make up for last year and stated (more like demanded) quite passionately that we would be celebrating my birthday. Now, I am glad I did. Celebrating this day helped me to take my focus off the emotional day that is right around the corner. It reminded me that I should enjoy the happiness before the wave of sadness hits.
The day started off with a wonderful gift from Larry and a breakfast party from a few of my co-workers. I went to work ou
t and then just got back in from having dinner with my husband. Overall I can say the day was good and I want to chronicle it before "new" grief comes out in the coming days.
Thanks for your wonderful comments and for all your support during his difficult time.
On July 21st, 2009 we went to visit the MFM for what was a routine appointment. Though we were nervous, we KNEW that everything was well. We got to see our sweet little boy and a cervix that was still measuring 3.5 cm and was closed. When I told him the *dildo" hurt, his exact words "thats not good". Imagine our surprise when the look of shock came over the Dr.'s face as he applied pressure to my stomach. With tears streaming down our faces, we were rushed to the operating room at the hospital a few miles away and an emergency cerclage done (replacing the failed one). I remember the callousness of the Dr. who performed the rescue procedure and her bluntness. I remember telling her (after she said it won't work) that if she thinks its not going to work, why do it? Why risk infection?" I remember her shrugging her shoulders and demanding if I wanted her to "do it or not?".
I remember shaking so badly (because I was so hysterical) that two nurses had to hold me still while the spinal was being done. I remember that awful Dr. leaving the OR, and remember crying out to the nurse "did she say anything about antibiotics? The Dr. wants me on antibiotics!" I remember the sweet nurse who was rubbing my brow during the entire ordeal rushing out to catch the Dr. and coming back in with orders for antibiotics to be administered.
I remember being wheeled to the L&D floor......... I remember being so frightened that I could not eat, sleep, talk. I remember getting up to pee and hearing a plop in the toilet. When I asked the nurse on duty if it could be my mucus plug, she said no "its just tissue from the new cerclage being done".
I remember crying all night......I remember begging God......I remember vowing to my husband that I will carry this baby to term....... I remember e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g...... even though I don't want to.
The memories are hard. The flashbacks even harder. I am transported back to that day....to that appointment....to that OR.....to that hospital room.... to that day........ and my heart breaks into a million pieces again. I did EVERYTHING in my power and it. did. not. work.
On this day last year, I had no idea I would be holding another baby that would never see his mothers or fathers face.
Today....this emotional day...the day that started it all..... makes me ask myself- what if it happens again?
1Now after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD it came to pass, that the LORD spake unto Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' minister, saying,
2Moses my servant is dead; now therefore arise, go over THIS Jordan, thou, and all this people, unto the land which I do give to them, even to the children of Israel.
3Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Moses.
4From the wilderness and this Lebanon even unto the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your coast.
5There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
6Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give them.
7Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper withersoever thou goest.
8This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have GOOD success.
9Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
10Then Joshua commanded the officers of the people, saying,
11Pass through the host, and command the people, saying, Prepare you victuals; for within three days ye shall pass over this Jordan, to go in to possess the land, which the LORD your God giveth you to possess it.
Hi! My name is Marie, and I am a child of God. More importantly, I am a friend of God.
For days now I have been rewriting this post and battling with whether or not I should post it. I know this post will not get a lot of comments, or it may even just get a cursory glance, and that is fine with me. If I can reach one person, then my heart will be content.
Let me first start off by saying, that I will NEVER force my beliefs on anyone of you. I understand that we all come from different backgrounds and differing faith systems. This blog is a chronicle of my life as well as a mini ministry that I hope by sharing my experiences, someone else can be blessed. Lately I have been seeing a lot of people denounce their faith or come clean that they are not believers. I am not here to preach at anyone, or condemn anyone, I am simply speaking for myself. I am sure you all know the horrific things that I have been through, and if anyone has a right to denounce God, some will say why not Marie? When I read a blog about someone not believing (and again, I reiterate that I respect everyone and their beliefs or lack thereof), I do not comment on that particular post. Simply because I will NEVER force someone to believe or push my faith on anyone. I simply whisper a prayer for peace in their hearts. I don't pray for God to make them believe, I don't delete them from my reader, I don't stop commenting, I don't stop giving them virtual hugs or support, I just pray for peace in their hearts. Not believing is a personal decision, and I never want to be accused of being a bigot.
I am a child of God. It's not easy, but I love my Savior with an agape love. I cry, I pray, I ache, I get mad, I storm the heavens, I questions God, I second guess myself. But who doesn't do that in any relationship? My relationship with Christ is a personal one. Do I thank him for taking my babies? Absolutely NOT! Do I always understand his ways? Absolutely NOT! My faith was never always strong. Though I accepted the Lord as my personal Savior at 11 years old, I really did not start truly walking with him until I was 17 years old. I come from a family whose belief was rigid. No pants, no make-up, no jewelry, women had to wear hats in church and so on. This rigidity deterred many and they left the faith for "brighter and better" things. These are the things that stopped me from fully committing. It felt as if, these things were being pushed at us, and no us having any conviction and coming to the decision by ourselves with gentle guidance. At 17, when I really started walking with Christ, I still did not get it, but I sure tried. :-) As time passed, and that relationship got stronger, I understood a little more.
Now as I approach the dawn of 26, I still don't fully understand his ways or his plans for me. But, I have developed a trust that allows me to be somewhat at peace when things come my way. I'm not saying that I ask for trials and tribulations to come my way (who wants that?), but I believe in the scripture that says he will bring me forth as pure gold. I will say it again, it is definitely not easy trusting wholeheartedly, but I try my best and when I find my faith faltering, I say it out loud ; "I trust you Lord". I still choose to believe (and it IS a choice) because of hope. That hope that the next pregnancy will go well, that hope that my husband will find a job, that hope that this world cannot be all evil and full of heartaches, I hold on to the hope so many before me had, and the hope that the scriptures so often remind me of. I believe because of the blessings I have. I believe because I see the sun every morning, feel the gentle breeze, the clouds, the moon, the stars, the many blessings I do have. So many things increase my faith. I believe because he shows up on time and blesses me abundantly.
Believing is a choice. Faith is a choice. I choose to believe. Just like it is your choice to not believe. I want my life to be an example to someone. I want despite my shortcomings, despite the loss of my children, for someone to say, God is good.
The experiences in our lives shape our belief systems. After losing two precious little ones, It was easy for me to say, there is no God. How can he be so cruel to rip my babies from my arms? But when I looked into Evan's and Alyssa-Joy's faces, I saw peace. I saw their perfect features. I knew then that this life was bigger than I was. I knew than that I had to keep believing. I had to keep believing for them, for my husband, for my father, for me. Believe me, I thought about it! But I could not bring myself to do it.
I will never shun someone because they do not believe and I hope no one received such a message in this post. It is a choice we all make, and you will still have my support. There is nothing I like less than so called Christians who condemn and judge. I simply pray for peace in your hearts and that whatever decisions you make results in peace.
In the last post, I mentioned a book that I found buried in the back of my closet. I don't know how it got there, who it came from, but I sure needed to hear the message the book had to deliver. Joshua by Joseph Girzone is about a man who did noting but good, who loved Christ, who loved people. He was a mystery to many, and his beliefs and opinions angered as many as who loved him. The town was split. Those who supported his opinions which led to their own discovery of God and his plans and those who felt he was a threat to their religions. This book had me question myself. Do I push my beliefs on others? Or do I simply communicate the love of Christ? You see, I want others to come to Christ off their own accord, not because they feel threatened. In the end of the book, I discovered that Joshua was in fact Jesus. Walking this earth as man and sharing the fathers love with those he met. Who else has an intimate knowledge of our father's plans but his own son? I found myself praying "Lord, please let me develop a Joshua spirit". It was a spirit of love, hope, humility. One message that stood out to me was; God is not a phantom humans concoct to fix their imaginations on, but a real being present before him who responds to every thought and plea. Praying is as if enjoying a dialogue with a dear friend, with someone you love intensely, and someone you are intimately involved with, who controls circumstances, make decisions, even if you sometimes disagree. Real religion is in our hearts not buildings. Customs and practices and traditions can replace true service of God and become a real obstacle to real growth in the love of God.
My faith, my belief is a personal choice. So is yours.
I cannot believe that it is already July. That means two things, summer is halfway done, and most importantly, it is a horrible reminder of the second time my heart crumbled into pieces. I lost it a few days ago. I cannot believe that Evan's 1st angelversary is fast approaching. July used to be a month I looked forward to simply because I was turning a year older and always celebrated my birthday in style. Now? I refuse to even mention that a birthday is coming up. I now have a love/hate relationship with this month. My birthday last year was horrid! I spent the day in the hospital after having a second emergency cerclage done, which of course ended up not working. I love getting the opportunity to cradle, stroke, kiss, and sing to my baby, but I hate knowing that he was born sleeping and the circumstances surrounding him being born so soon. I find myself thinking what if I never developed an infection? What kind of baby would he be? What would we be doing right now? But I stop myself from going there because it is simply too painful.
I spent last Friday in a fetal position. To put it plainly, I bawled, howled, screamed, you name it, I did it. I am missing my babies so very much right now. I think of the unfairness of having experienced multiple traumatic losses and the process of grief that anyone who loses a child has to experience. It also does not help that I keep getting the crappy e-mail messages - "Hi! Your baby is 30 weeks old today!". Now matter how many times I unsubscribe, I still keep getting them! I am about to call the company and scream "my baby is dead!!!!" Stop sending me these e-mails!"
The reality of it being a year has also hit Larry. I see him cradling Evan's urn before I fall asleep. I see him staring at the horizon in deep thought, and just the other day I saw him kiss his urn and whisper, "I love you son." Let me tell you girls, my heart broke into pieces, knowing that I am the cause of his pain. My body failed his children, and the sad part? There was nothing I could do about it! I did everything the Dr.'s said to do and I still failed my children. I know you will tell me it was not my fault, but my irrational mind cannot wrap itself around that fact. This body that I treasured, that I took care of, that I used to lovingly carry my children, simply gave way.
I am thinking of doing something special for Evan's angelversary. If you are led to do anything for my precious sweetheart on July 25th, please feel free to do so.
While I am battling this new wave of grief, my grief has intensified for my friends Shandrea and Deni. I am sure most of you have already heard that Shandrea gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Tristen Ryan, born too soon to survive, and sweet Deni is experiencing a failed adoption. Please join me in prayer for these sweet ladies who like all of you, have been a great source of support for me. Please pray that the Lord blankets them in love and that a peace that passes all understanding abides with them. Please pray that their expected end will be fulfilled soon.
I am reading a profoundly moving book titled Joshua by Joseph Girzone. In the next post, I will share with you a few words of wisdom the author penned. I was cleaning out my school closet (fellow teachers, you the one I am talking about! The one filled with books, paper,markers, crayons, lesson ideas, and so on. Yup! That one!) and stumbled across this book. I don' know how it got there or where it came from, but I sure needed the message that it had to deliver.
Please keep us in prayer, as I keep praying for you and taking your needs to our heavenly father.