Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sweet Israel Grayson Dillard

Grayson is being laid to rest today at 2:00 p.m. I cannot stop thinking about Tanika and her husband. My heart hurts and my eyes well with tears every time I think about them and the pain I know they are feeling. I am in awe of her incredible faith. She still is looking to God, her greatest source of strength. When I first heard the news I was driving on the 826 on my way to school. Just picture me in back to back traffic with tears streaming down my face :(.

I am so upset about this! I asked my husband "how much more can one family take?" I do not undertsand why.

A huge thank you to those of you who stopped by and to Michelle who posted something on her blog (her own accord). Baby Grayson's obituary can be accessed at http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/greenvilleonline/obituary.aspx?n=israel-grayson-dillard&pid=155008487.
Please keep flooding her with love as we all know the days to come will be difficult.

I love you Tanika and Chris and I am sending prayers, love and hugs your way. I so wish I could be there with you today but know I am thinking about you.


Monday, December 12, 2011

A Favor Please?

A sweet blog friend who was such an encouragement to me when I was pregnant with Spencer just experienced a 4th loss. Her sweet Israel Grayson went to be with his sisters due to a cord incident. He was supposed to be delivered by C-Section on the Dec 16th. Please stop by and shower her with love. I have 131 followers and I am sure you all have many more. Please post this message on your blog and encourage your followers to shower her with love as well.

I am all too aware of how this community bands together and uplifts each other in our times of need. Please. If there is one thing I ask...... This is it. Israel Grayson will be laid to rest Tuesday at 2:00p.m. Tanika's blog is http://thejourneyofloveandlife.blogspot.com.

Thank you!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Saying Hi

Hey all!

I promise I have not neglected this blog. I am back at work and struggling to juggle. I will be back posting soon.

Here are some pics of Spencer. He is now 5 months. Time sure is flying!

Enjoying our expected end,

Monday, July 25, 2011

I Love You to the Moon and Back....

My dearest Evan,

Happy birthday my darling. I cannot believe that its been two years since you have left my arms. My heart aches just as much today as it did it year ago. I miss you so much my darling. I look forward to the day that I can hold you again. Thank you so much for helping to bring your bother safely here. Thank you for teaching me how to love more and to cherish every single day.
I love you to the moon and back my love..... I miss you so very much.


Sunday, July 24, 2011

Where I am Today

On July 24th, 2010, I wrote this post. I was thankfully feeling a lot better when I wrote that post. This year I am just angry. Angry at the drs., angry at life's circumstances. I am also asking why? Why me? Why us? Even though I know I will never get an answer, I am still asking in a defiant voice.

I am saddened that Spencer will only hear about his brother and sister. I am saddened that all he will have are pictures. I keep thinking I should have 3 children here to love and hold, but I have 2 in my heart and one in my arms. I long to hold them, to smell them, to hear their voices. I often wonder who they would be like. Me? Their dad? Would they be feisty? Would they be shy? I do know one thing. They would be loved oh so very much.

This day 2 years ago was horrible. The dr didn't take me seriously. Who knows how it could have turned out? If only she had listened! Today was the last time I felt my son move. The last time I would have a link to him. The last time he would hear my voice. The last time my heart would be whole.

I love and miss you my son. I love you to the moon and back........

Grieving the journey to my expected end,

Friday, July 22, 2011


I turn 27 today and all I can remember is that two years ago I spent my birthday in the hospital, eating nasty hospital food. This day has changed for me. It is no longer a celebratory day but a reminder of what happened to my precious first born son. On this day I had hope if only for a short while 2 years ago.

Today I will spend my birthday not trying to forget, but to just get through the day without breaking down. Even though my rainbow is here, the ache has not gone away, the pain has not gone away, the memory has not gone away. I must admit, he helps to lessen the pain, but boy it still hurts. It hurts even more that the milestones I am experiencing with him, I never got to experience with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. I miss them so very much and I know I always will. I look forward to the day when I ca hold them in my arms. When I will see them whole again. When I can tell them I love them. When I can say I am sorry for failing them. When I can say "mommy is here to stay:.

So today won't be spend celebrating another year older. Today will be spent anguishing that their face, smell, touch is slowly fading from my senses, but realizing I am one more year closer to meeting them again.

I love you so very much my sweethearts. Floaty kisses..............

Grieving the journey to my expected end,

Thursday, July 21, 2011


I wrote this post this time last year. The feelings are still the same. July 21st still brings the same trepidation. I still woke up with a pounding heart as my mind returns to that day. I can vividly see the exam room, the look on the ultrasound tech's face, the look on the MFM's face. I can clearly hear those words; "the stitch is failing". I knew then that it was over. My husband pleaded with me to be positive.

I remember the drive to the hospital, how hysterical I was. I remember the dr. coming in and being absolutely horrible.....no compassion....no hope. I remember being wheeled in the operating room. I remember not being administered any antibiotics. I remember how quickly she did the "repair". I remember in a panic telling the nurse, "she (the dr) didn't mention antibiotics. The dr. wants me on antibiotics"! I remember her rushing to find the dr. to get permission to fulfill my drs. orders.

I remember being wheeled to the room crying all the way there. I remember passing a door with a purple card with a tear drop on a leaf and thinking "will that be me again"? But somehow despite those fears, there was a glimmer of hope in my heart. Little did I know that the flickering hope would soon be extinguished.

Will these flashbacks every go away?

Grieving the journey to out expected end,

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Checking In

Hello gang!

We are still here, but enjoying our little one. Spencer is a joy and his personality is slowly emerging. He is a month old and is truly wonderful. He had his one month check up yesterday and he now weighs 8lbs 2oz, and is now 21 3/4 inches long.
Thanks for the advice on the swaddling, it has made a HUGE difference at night. He still gets up every 2 hours to nurse during the day, and every 3 hours throughout the night. We are slowly (slowly) developing a schedule so hopefully I will be back to blogging soon.

Enjoying our expected end,

Friday, May 13, 2011

Quickly Checking In

Hello everyone!

Whew! I must say motherhood is hard but extremely rewarding! I spent the entire pregnancy worrying about getting to full term that I never thought about the first month. We have had sleepless nights, unconsolable crying fits, blowout diapers, did I say sleepless nights? We are exhausted and trying to get into a routine.

Spencer is now 2 1/2 weeks old and is developing his own personality a little more everyday. Boy does this prince have a set of lungs! :-). He is napping briefly right now which gives me a few minutes to just say hi to all of you and hopefully after we develop a routine I will be doing more posts and updates along with some pictures.

Enjoying our expected end,

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Birth Story

Can I really call it that? I mean I didn't actually "give birth" he was yanked out of me! Lol.

April 26th started out as a rainy day. We got up at 3:45 am, prayed, got ourselves ready, and left. The night before we had our last meal as an earthly family of two and as we walked out the door, we looked round our condo and the baby contents within it and we couldn't help but tear up at the thought that we missed out on such an opportunity with Alyssa-Joy and Evan.

We got to the hospital by 5 am, registered and got settled into Triage. I wasn't nervous until they placed the heartbeat and contraction monitors on my stomach. My nervousness probably contributed to the nonstop contractions I immediately started having and boy did they hurt! In fact, they were consistently 4 minutes apart. I remarked to Larry that if the C-section was not scheduled for that day I probably would have gone into labor!

My dad got there around 7 (he would be in the OR with us). It was then that my twin sister called and reminded me that April 26th was also my moms birthday. I immediately burst into tears. I don't know how that slipped my mind and all I could think was "how special". I just knew my mother's spirit was with me. As my dad and Larry got dressed, Dr. C. came in and said "its time babydoll. The day you have been waiting for for three years is here. " All I can say it was an emotional moment for all.

In the OR, as they administered the spinal (which hurt like hell and you think I would be used to it after having it so many times!) Larry and my dad were brought in. This was not the experience I expected! My OB had the music blasting to Michael Jackson and he and all the other medical personnel were signing their hearts out and having a good time. This did a lot for my nerves let me tell you!
I kept waiting for the pressure, tugging, pulling, all the sensations so many told me to expect, but all I could feel was cold so they wrapped me up in warm blankets. As I was waiting, I heard a gurgling sound, a cry and then Spencer's sweet face hanging above the sheet. For weeks I had wondered what I would say when I saw him and the only thing that came out was "OH My GOSH! SPENCER YOU ARE HERE!!!" The joy on my face was indescribable. My rainbow was here!

As they took him to the side to weigh him, clean him, and have hubby cut the umbilical cord, I cried. I could not believe that he was here. He was alive. He was healthy. I simply could not take my eyes off him. They brought him to me so I could see him and love on him before they took him away.

While in recovery, I had a permanent smile on my face. I kept the image of his face in my mind the entire time and could not wait to see him again.

As we left the hospital 3 days later, our eyes filled with tears. This time instead of leaving with memory boxes, we were leaving with a baby, our miracle, our rainbow, our expected end.

For three years we have endured heartache, made tough decisions, worked on our marriage, kept the faith and had HOPE. We had so many negative emotions, "we weren't meant to have kids", "God is punishing us for something", "maybe this is God's way of saying we shouldn't be together", and so many more. The enemy tried every tactic to steer us from the expected end our Savior had in store for us. My husband lost his job, but God still provided beyond measure. I was worried about bedrest, I worked the entire 38 weeks. I worried about my cervix, but the anchor held. Heck it grew at every appointment!
Now we are enjoying our expected end. I recite Jeremiah 29:11 so many time over the past 3 years and we are reminded that God keeps his promises and desires nothing but good for us.

I pray that your expected end comes and you experience the joy we are feeling right now.

With Alyssa-Joy and Evan in our hearts, we are enjoying our expected end.
Marie & Larry

Sunday, May 1, 2011


When we lose something that is precious to us, we are left with a feeling of sadness. Whether it is a precious friend or even a treasured object, the loss can be hard to bear. It is as if a part of you has gone missing. Source

Gentle International Babylost Mothers Day to all of you. I hope your day is filled with love and the memory of your precious angels.

© Kelvin Jernigan
I have to be strong not for me
But for everyone else
I want to cry I want to scream
But no one can see my hollow tears
I keep you near to keep me sane
But the thought of you makes me sad
I want to hide and cry alone
But you are here and it keeps me real
I know you’ve left this solid ground
But in my heart you still live
You’ve kept me together for so long
So I will stay strong for everyone else.

I miss you my sweet babies.


Praying for your expected ends.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counter balance of color, energy, and HOPE. (unknown)

Introducing our rainbow;

Spencer Nathan W.
7 lbs, 2oz
19 1/2 inches long.

We are filled with joy and we have a permanent smile on our faces. Our EXPECTED END is here and he is happy, healthy, and alive. Like the dr. said in his report, "active baby with a lusty cry!"

Enjoying our expected end,
Marie & Larry

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Back and lots of updates!

Hello gang!

I have missed you all. A big thank you to all those who checked up on me. Both my MacBook and Desktop went out for repairs and what should have taken two days turned into 2 weeks! Its amazing how much we rely on technology. ha! I spent the last 4 hours yesterday catching up on blogs.

Spencer is still baking away, but we are two days away from meeting him. I feel excited, overwhelmed, scared to death, you name it, I feel it! I especially feel sad knowing that I never got to experience these feelings with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. The closer I get to meeting Spencer, the more the sadness comes because AJ and Evan are not here. The other night I looked at my husband who was just up staring at their urns. We just hugged each other and cried and he said to me, "Marie, I wish we knew then what we know now."

My last day of work was last Thursday and I have the option of being out until October 6th. I am so thankful that I get to spend the next few months with my little man even if it is unpaid.

Now, where did I leave off? At the last appointment with the MFM, Spencer weighed 5 pounds, 6 ounces. He had gained one whole pound over the course of two weeks so we are guessing that he might be a little over 7 pounds now. I am starting to get uncomfortable. I feel lots of pressure, aches and pains, my belly has a mind of its own and it is extremely hard to get up at night. I 17P shots worked like a charm because a week after the last one, holy cannoli! There came the Braxton Hicks! I can just imagine if I had not been taking them the entire pregnancy how I would feel.

We are all ready for Spencer's arrival. The crib is set up, the car seat installed, his closet and chest of drawers ready, our bags are packed and we are just counting down the hours until Tuesday morning.

This was our last appointment with our MFM. Ignore the puffy eyes, I was quite emotional during our last ultrasound and visit with him. We are thankful for an amazing doctor.

A few friends from work threw me a shower (not my team). Spencer is one blessed little boy!

We did out maternity photoshoot yesterday and here is just a sneak peek. As soon as I get the others, I will share them with you.

Here is my 37 week belly shot. Larry had already left for school and I had to make do. 37 weeks was the ultimate milestone that I wanted to reach and when I reached it, I was a wreck! Poor hubby thought something was wrong when he heard me crying (and it was the ugly cry).

Today I am 38 weeks exactly. On this day that we celebrate our risen Savior, I cannot help but thank him for his ultimate sacrifice of giving us his son, and for the children that he has blessed me with, especially the one in my womb. We serve an amazing God!

How many weeks: 38 weeks - Praise God!

How am I feeling: Excited, nervous, terrified!

Doctor’s Appointment: Last appointment with the OB was last Wednesday.

Weight Gain: Finally hit the 10 pound mark!

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: Done!

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: All the time. I find myself taking naps throughout the day and still sleep 8 hours a night.

Best moment this week: Getting our maternity photos done.

Movement: He is moving less, but still seeing "waves" across my stomach as he moves. If I haven't felt him move, I find myself poking him until he does.

Food cravings: Stewed Peas and Rice.

What I miss: Walking without waddling!

What I am looking forward to: Meeting Spencer on Tuesday!

Milestones: Getting to full term.

I have a lot on my heart so I will probably be posting quite a bit.

Thank you so much for walking this journey with me. I cannot wait to share Spencer with you all

Awaiting my expected end,

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Quick Update

Hey gang!
Sorry it is taking me so long to update. My computer is out for repairs and I feel so lost. Currently blogging from my blackberry, but will update as soon as I get my laptop back, which should be sometime Thursday or Friday.

Talk to you soon!

Awaiting my expected end,

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

34 Weeks!

My new best friend. Yea.... silly me thought I would have gotten away with no stretch marks. No such luck. I literally woke up Saturday morning and wowza! There they were. Now I am diligent with applying this paste. Hopefully its not too late.

How many weeks: 34 weeks - Praise God!

How am I feeling: Excited, nervous, terrified!

Doctor’s Appointment: This morning (Last MFM appointment) and this Friday 04/01 (OB appointment).

Weight Gain: 8.5 lbs (but will know for sure after today's appointment.

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: More de-cluttering and organizing.

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted. My nightly bathroom trips total 6 times per night between bedtime and 6:00 am

Best moment this week: Realizing Spencer is still baking away

Movement: Still seeing "waves" across my stomach as he moves. Such a wonder to watch and every time I see it I am in awe of God's creation!

Food cravings: Nothing this week (yet!).

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 35 weeks (4 days away), and delivery (but not anytime soon!), and our 2nd baby shower this afternoon!

Milestones: Getting to 34 weeks.

I woke up Sunday morning an emotional mess. I could not stop crying. I am so grateful to have gotten this far. After losing Alyssa-Joy and Evan, we really thought we were not meant to have children, but when day after day passes and Spencer is still rolling around and God is still making a way, I feel blessed to have been given a third chance. God is indeed an awesome God and the TAC is a wonderful thing!

I will update on Friday after both appointments.

Awaiting my expected end,

Monday, March 28, 2011

Pediatrician? Check!

Thank you all so much for the questions to ask the pediatrician. As you can tell from the title, we loved him and have decided to use his practice.

Hubby and I sat down and chose the questions (from the list given) that we wanted to ask as well as some things to look for when we arrived at the office.

We chose the following and rated them on a scale from 1-10:
Proximity to home - 10 (5-10 minutes depending on traffic)
Cleanliness and set up of the office (child friendly/parent friendly) - 8. The have a sick waiting room and a well waiting room, toys and books for the kiddos, magazines and well-baby clips for the parents.
Friendliness of the office staff - 10
The wait time of the patients in the office - 8. Pretty standard. Most were called back after about 10 minutes.
Comfort and ease with the Dr. - 10
Comfort and ease with nurses - 10

Overall, they were pretty good and our consultation with the Dr. went well.
The one thing I liked was that he works out of 3 different hospitals, so we are not bound to one if an emergency arises. The only downfall is that when we deliver, one of his partners (there are 4) will attend to Spencer at the hospital and his first appointment a few days after birth. His son is getting married and he will be out of town that week.

Again, thank you so much for your help as they guided us in the right direction and we were able to find a pediatrician that we both liked (and who also comes with great referrals!).

Awaiting my expected end,

Friday, March 25, 2011

33 Weeks!

Thank you all so much for the comments and suggestions on the previous post. I tend to want to make things better and I have to learn that in her own time she will deal with her loss. Thank you all so much <3.

How many weeks: 33 weeks - Praise God!

How am I feeling: Excited, nervous, terrified!

Doctor’s Appointment: Next Wednesday 03/30 (Last MFM appointment) and Next Friday 04/01 (OB appointment).

Weight Gain: 8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: Getting our carpets professionally cleaned and painting

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted. My nightly bathroom trips total 6 times per night between bedtime and 6:00 am

Best moment this week: Realizing Spencer is still baking away

Movement: Still seeing "waves" across my stomach as he moves. Such a wonder to watch and every time I see it I am in awe of God's creation!

Food cravings: Jamaican Beef Patties (the spicy kind). Yum!

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!), and our 2nd baby shower next Wednesday!

Milestones: Getting to 33 weeks and fattening Spencer up to 4 pounds. Last week he weighed 4 pounds, 6 ounces!

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes! They are greatly appreciated!

Awaiting my expected end,

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

On the Other Side of the Fence

My heart has been heavy lately. I am grieving for my sister and the loss of my niece or nephew. I am trying my best to support her and encourage her, but she does not want to hear it and I have no idea how to help her. I tried directing her to some support groups, blogs, and so on, and she refuses to even entertain the idea. I am at a loss for words and have no idea how else to help her. I know we all process loss differently and I am trying to help as best as I know how.
She did not attend my shower, but I expected that and let her know before hand that I would not be offended if she could not attend, because I have been there myself, where the thought of attending showers drove me into a fit of sweats. Well, she tried to come to the shower and had a breakdown in her parking lot. :-(. She refuses to be around me, and I know that the sight of my growing bump makes her relive those dark days. I understand, because I have been there. When we are together as a family and the talk turns to Spencer's upcoming arrival, she leaves the room. I have tried talking to my family to let them know to be sensitive, but their comments still hurt her. Again, I understand because I have been there.
I am afraid that she will not want to see Spencer or be in his presence because he may remind her of her loss. I am afraid that everytime she sees him, he will be a trigger. I am very sensitive to her grief, and I try my best to be there for her, but my being there will not take the hurt away.
I know she is happy for me, but I also know seeing me makes the process hard. I want her to be close to her nephew and not have the sight of him be a reminder of her loss.
I know of several BLM bloggers who have a sibling who is expecting, and though they are happy for them, they struggle being around their sibling and experience hurt by exposing their shattered hearts to the pregnancy.
For those of you who have had a sibling go through a pregnancy after your own loss, please help me. What would you have liked your sibling to do or not do around you? How would you have liked to be helped? How did you feel? Please help me. I love my sister - she was there holding my hand while delivering Alyssa-Joy and Evan - and I want to be there for her the best way I know how.
I am on the other side of the fence ---- it seems I can help others, but I cannot reach my own sister. :-(
Please help.
Awaiting my expected end,

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Normal and some more questions

I had what was supposed to be my last appointment with the MFM yesterday. He declared that I was/am NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!! Praise God! We did elect to see him one more time even though he was willing to release us. We will be seeing him in two weeks for a "peace of mind" appointment and for a 3D ultrasound. Cervix measured 3.6 cm!!!! Spencer passed his BPP, cord flow was perfect, organs were perfect, everything was perfect. God is so good and we are in awe of his blessings.

Thanks for the suggestions about choosing a Pediatrician. We have an appointment with one next week and we now have tons of questions to ask. I also have some more questions tonight. I tried getting them answered, but kept getting conflicting information. So..... I am asking all of you!

1.) I am packing my hospital bag this week (yikes!). I know what to pack for me, but what about for baby?
2.) What's the usual stay in the hospital for a C-section? (MFM told me 4 days, OB told me 2)
3.) When do I put the car seat in the car?
4.) Hospital tour? Necessary or unnecessary?
5.) Nursing Bras - do I buy a size bigger than I am now or my regular size?
6.) How many onesies/blankets/bibs do I pack for the baby?
Thanks in advance!

Awaiting my expected end,

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Some Shower Pics

I had an awesome shower on Saturday. Here are just a few pictures to share with you. Blogger is acting up and will not let me arrange them in order. We had an awesome time celebrating Spencer and honoring Alyssa-Joy and Evan.
What touched me the most was that my babies were included in the shower. There were pinwheels with their names on them, wind chimes (they would not stop ringing or blowing and it was not even windy!). I am so glad I was "forced" to have a shower. We were shown how truly loved and blessed we are.

Larry and I cutting the cake
My dad and Step-mom cutting Evan's cake
My grandmother cutting Alyssa-Joy's cake

Honoring Evan's memory

Honoring Alyssa-Joy's memory
Opening gifts
I had a great time!
More gifts

The blessings - we no longer have a dining room!
Larry and Me

Enjoying ourselves
Alyssa-Joy & Evan's Table

Awaiting my expected end,

Sunday, March 13, 2011

32 Weeks! Next Goal Reached

How many weeks: 32 weeks - God is oh so good!

How am I feeling: Relieved that we are at an AWESOME gestation. Just need to fatten him up to 4 pounds.

Doctor’s Appointment: Tuesday (Last MFM appointment and OB)

Weight Gain: 8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: Putting together all the "big ticket" items.

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted because I have to wake up to turn over and once I do its hard to go back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Enjoying my shower and having Alyssa-Joy and Evan honored.

Movement: Still seeing "waves" across my stomach as he moves. Such a wonder to watch and every time I see it I am in awe of God's creation!

Food cravings: Icees (and not the caffine free kind either).

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!)

Milestones: Getting to 32 weeks and looking forward to many more to come AND actually having and enjoying our baby shower!

Awaiting my expected end,

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

31 Weeks!

Looking a little tired in this picture, but here it is nonetheless.

How many weeks: 31 weeks - God is oh so good!

How am I feeling: Relieved that we are at an AWESOME gestation. Just need to fatten him up to 4 pounds.

Doctor’s Appointment: Next Tuesday (Last MFM appointment and OB)

Weight Gain: 8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: De-cluttering our Condo. Hubby is in nesting mode!

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted because I have to wake up to turn over and once I do its hard to go back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Filling out my FMLA paperwork. My Last day at work (prayerfully) is April 22.

Movement: I think he's running out of room which now makes me nervous about the lack of weight gain? all the time. I feel nudges and punches and see "waves" across my stomach as he moves. Such a wonder to watch and every time I see it I am in awe of God's creation!

Food cravings: Icees (and not the caffine free kind either).

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!) and our shower this weekend. The gifts have already started rolling and I am made aware how blessed and loved we are.

Milestones: Getting to 31 weeks and looking forward to many more to come.

Awaiting my expected end,

Sunday, March 6, 2011


Sometimes it sucks to be a public servant! Don't get me wrong, I love being a special education teacher. I love seeing the students who struggle make gains by leaps and bounds and seeing the smiles on their faces when they meet with success. Its the other factors outside my classroom that makes me shudder and rethink why I chose my career.

Spencer will be on my insurance (I hope). I called our benefits department to find out what the procedure for adding him as a dependent is. I was told that there is no free coverage for him and that for the time that I will be out on FMLA (they don't cover maternity), I must pay the premium for him. The cost? $377 per month. So that $377 for May, $377 for June, $377 for July, and $377 for August when I will not be working nor receiving a paycheck. Then in September, they will deduct $571 from my first paycheck and the following months to cover the cost of his insurance. Why so much? Apparently they retro the cost back to January (when he clearly was not physically in this world) and that is why it will be sooo expensive. In January it will revert back to $377 if the cost of coverage does not increase. I can choose to go back to work 4 weeks after he arrives but that will only cover him for one month and I would still have to pay the premium.

What the heck????? I have never heard such foolishness! When I was in college and on my dad's insurance, he paid half that amount per month to cover the entire family! I am ticked off and sort of in a panic. I like being able to live off of one salary and if Spencer goes on my insurance, then that goes out the window. Considering that hubby is still unemployed and if we had not lived this way prior we would have been in big trouble this past year.
Spencer needs insurance! I have called around for independent insurance for him but he has to be 6 months or 1 year. I am praying hubby lands a job before Spencer gets here or a month after he gets here.

Have any of you ever faced this dilemma? What did you do?

Awaiting my expected end,

Friday, March 4, 2011


Hi gang!

I feel so way out of my element here. Hopefully those of you with earthly children can answer these questions for me. Thanks so much in advance!

I have to set up an appointment with a pediatrician and I keep putting it off. I have no idea what to ask. my friend Kiki pointed me in the right direction, but what other questions do I ask? What qualities make a good pediatrician?

Some other questions include;
1.) Bumper or no Bumper?
2.) Do I really need a changing table?
3.) Do I really need a bouncer AND a swing?
4.) When do I pack a hospital bag?
5.) I do not have a ceiling fan in the bedroom. Is it worth it to install one?

These are just a few that I have. I am sure more will pop up in due time.

Awaiting my expected end,

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

30 Weeks and More Goodies

I am skipping week 29 because it was a horrible week and I was definitely not into taking pictures. Thank you so much for the kind words and well wishes for my sister. She is still not doing so great, but we know that the prayers of the righteous availeth much. Thank you all so very much.
There seems to be joy and sorrow at the same time in our family. We are excited at the thought of Spencer's birth while mourning the loss of my niece/nephew. Praying that Spencer will be able to bring a little healing to our family and the losses we have experienced over the past few years.

How many weeks: 30 weeks! (I still can't believe it)

How am I feeling: Relieved that we are at an AWESOME gestation. Just need to fatten him up to 4 pounds.

Doctor’s Appointment: March 15th (Last MFM appointment and OB)

Weight Gain: 8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: All maternity

Baby Preparation: De-cluttering our Condo

Gender: Boy!!! Spencer Nathan W.

Sleep: Interrupted by weird dreams

Best moment this week: Knowing baby Spencer is still moving and shaking!

Movement: all the time. I don't think this child sleeps at all! I'm loving it! His movements are starting to hurt, but no complaints here!

Food cravings: Peanut Butter

What I miss: Getting up at night without having to wake up hubby to help me get out of the bed

What I am looking forward to: Meeting the next milestones: 32 weeks, 35, weeks, and delivery (but not anytime soon!) and dare I say this? Our shower next weekend.

Milestones: Getting to 30 weeks - God is oh so good!

I received a rather large package in the mail last week. Let me say Spencer is so loved by many. Kiki, an IC friend sent me a beautiful box filled with goodies for myself and Spencer. My husband stood in awe as we went through the box. Some items included a breast pump, moby wrap, nursing wrap, bottles, and so much more. Like after seeing the blanket I got from Tonya, we both broke down in tears. I have made so many awesome and endearing friends and although it saddens me to think we met under tragic circumstances, I am grateful for the friendships that have untied us through grief. My husband sat shaking his head asking "what did we do to deserve such generosity?" and all I can say is "losing our babies". Hopefully one day we can pay it forward. Thanks Kiki! We are forever grateful.

Awaiting my expected end,

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Perplexed and Pissed

I am quite upset at the medical profession right now. After 5 doses of Cyto.tech, they finally decided to perform a D&E. They kept her (hungry) from early Thursday morning until Friday morning all because if they had to do a D&E, they wanted her stomach empty. After the 3rd dose, and she had not dilated (not even softened), they should have explored other methods. She even asked if they could go ahead and just do the D&E and they refused saying they don't do D&Es. Her OB was out of town so there was no way he could have been there to call the shots not knowing the full extent of what was happening. Finally around 7:00pm last night, they did the D&E.
This hospital will definitely be hearing from me, just like they did when we had Alyssa-Joy. I had to leave work Thursday at 1:00pm to go "ream" out the nurse, as she had not seen any since 5:30 that morning. I was in there changing her bedpan because the nurse had not shown her face. They sure heard my mouth!

I am just in shock as to why this happened. I am so sorry she had to join this club. They did not make her see the baby, she did not get pictures, the dr. never came back to see her after the procedure, they did not tell her if it was a boy or girl........ the list goes on. I am mad at the hospital, I am mad at the dr. and I am sad for my sister.
We have no answers at this point. We know it was not her cervix though as it was long and closed and refused to dilate. There were no blatant signs of infection, so we have no clue. Her water simply broke.
My sister is broken, hurt, weepy, and full of self-blame. Emotions we all know too well.

She has a follow up appointment with her OB early next week. Hopefully she will have some answers.

Thank you for the well wishes, expressions of sympathy, and prayers. I have forwarded them all to her. Please continue to keep them in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end,

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Tragedy Strikes Again

Proverbs 24:10
If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small.

My heart aches this morning. Last night my older sister who is 15 weeks and 4 days along called me at midnight to let me know she was on her way to the emergency room. Apparently, she was sitting on the floor, felt a bubble and then a gush. She called her OB who encouraged her to go to the e/r. Hubby and I immediately got out of bed, got dressed and flew (literally) to join her at the hospital. As the ultrasound tech did her stuff, I had to avert my eyes because I saw no fluid around the baby. When I asked the tech what the amniotic fluid index was (she was quite surprise I knew this term) she said "there was none to measure". Sometimes I think I know too much. There my sister was asking me questions and in an effort to not make her panic I kept deflecting to "lets see what the dr. says". I did make sure that they did not *bs * her at all.

She has been given cervi.dil and will be delivering her baby sometime today. The dr. does not want her to do a d&c unless absolutely necessary. We all know how emotional and heart wrenching this process can be so please keep her and her partner in prayer. He is also not taking it so well. My heart breaks that she has to join this community and also that she has not yet even experienced the joy of feeling the baby move or even learned the gender yet.

Please, please lift them up in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end,

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Just wanted to share the letter/post I shared with my Abby Loopers and IC Forum sisters.

I am a Christian and have always believed that God desires nothing but good for us. I felt my faith wavering after losing my children and sometimes because I am still human, I find myself still questioning. I praise him daily because my relationship is now stronger with him.

At the age of 23 I got married to a wonderful guy. After a cancer scare in 2008, I was told by my dr. to at least think about starting a family. Needless to say, I conceived the week I stopped taking birth control. The pregnancy with my daughter Alyssa-Joy was blissful and uneventful, no morning sickness, bitter taste in mouth, no aches and pains, nothing. We were reveling in the joy that accompanies any pregnancy. Thanksgiving 2008, at 19+ weeks, I saw blood when I wiped and had slight cramping. After laying on the couch with my feet up for a while (because that’s what the pregnancy bible said to do), I called my OB who said we could wait until the next morning to see him or go in to L&D. We chose to go in. Once there I was found to be fully dilated and my daughter's feet were already in the cervical canal. We were told we had to deliver, as there was nothing they could do. I was 19 weeks, 4 days. She lived briefly for a few minutes.

We were told that I had IC and that with the next pregnancy a cerclage would be placed to ensure that I go to term.

Less than 5 months later (2009), we found out we were pregnant again. We were nervous, but I had done my research about the TVC, saw the successes of some of the ladies on this forum, plus my OB stated that he never had one fail, and we had a plan in place -possible bedrest, progesterone suppositories, frequent monitoring, etc. I had a single McDonald placed at 10 weeks, 6 days.

At 15 weeks, 6 days (it was summer and I was only working 4 days a week for 2 hours each day) I went to the MFM and my c/l had shortened from 4.1cm to 3.1 cm with funneling. I was immediately placed on strict bedrest. I got up only to use the rest room and shower every other day. I NEVER moved. My husband bought a mini-refrigerator and placed it by my bedside. Every morning before he left for work, he packed my breakfast, lunch and snacks so I would not have to leave our bed. We did everything we could to make sure we brought a live baby home.

At 19 weeks, 6 days I went to see the MFM again and was found to have funneled through the stitch. We thought, “How could this be?” We did everything! Even keeping a journal and noting the time frames I was up for when I went to the restroom. After tallying up the times daily, I was only up for a total of 20 minutes. We were doing the suppositories, drank tons of water….. we did EVERYTHING! We were rushed to the OR and an emergency cerclage placed and the failing one removed. I will spare you the rest of the negligent details that accompanied this surgery and during the days following discharge, but a few days later at 20 weeks, 3 days I delivered my son Evan stillborn due to an infection caused by the lack of antibiotics given by the dr that did the rescue cerclage.

I was like many of you. I said, "I am not meant to be a mother". Why else would I lose TWO babies? I never had anything done to my cervix prior to getting pregnant, had no risk factors, nothing. How could this happen to me? Why am I being punished? I felt God was telling me “you are not meant to be a mother.”

After a few months, and many women from this forum reaching out to us, we decided to research the TAC as our desire for children far outweighed our fears. After researching, speaking to a few ladies who have had success with the procedure, being scammed by a Dr., and talking to Dr. Davis, we made the decision to do the TAC. Even after other Drs. that we consulted with said we could have another TVC and just “relax” at home. After battling with our insurance company (who denied Dr. Davis and Dr. Haney), we found an awesome Dr., 4 hours away who performs TACs. We met with her, put her through the grinder with our 104 questions (yes, we had that much), we prayed about it and knew that we were making the right decision.

On April 27th, 2010 we traveled to Gainesville Florida and had the traditional TAC done pre-pregnancy. I went into and left the OR room smiling (so they tell me). When they asked me in the OR what I was there for, the Dr. said I threw my hands up in the air, laughed giddily and said “I am getting the Trans Abdominal Cerclage that will help me to get to full term and bring a baby home!”

Hebrews 10:23 says, Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering for he who promised is faithful. Hope is something that cannot be described. If we had let fear rule our lives, we would be most miserable!

We found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant in September 2010 while actively avoiding. To say we were panicked was an understatement. Dh had just gotten laid off after being with his company for 9 years and there are simply no jobs in Florida, so we made the decision for him to go back to school. Despite the worries, we are immensely blessed and are filled with hope.

I sit here today 28 weeks pregnant with baby boy Spencer Nathan W., leading a semi-normal life. My cervix has stayed stable at 4.2cm, I still am able to work and maintain our livelihood, I'm able to still attend classes at night finishing my PhD, and so on. I say semi-normal, because we are nervous wrecks! :-). My husband won't let me do anything in the house, go shopping, nothing. But all has been well and God is still proving that he will fulfill our hearts desires and the TAC is working!

I must say I had my doubts and only recently told our families at 24 weeks. I kept thinking, "why will it work for me when nothing else has? Who is to say I wont fall in that 2%? I seem to fall into every statistic, why not this one?" Even now while typing this, I wonder “am I jinxing myself?” and I catch myself because I have hope and hope allows us to rest in safety (Job 11:18).

I sit here today in my classroom (on my lunch break of course!) as a living witness that getting the TAC is the best decision my husband and I ever made and know and believe it will result in good things. Am I still nervous? OF COURSE! Not a day goes by that I don’t feel a twinge and wonder; “Is this it?” But I trust God, my TAC, and have hope that we will get to term.

Hope is a beautiful thing and we are a bunch of courageous women who despite heartache are willing to try again. I thank everyone who has encouraged me, calmed my fears, lifted me up, prayed for me, and kept me sane. I won’t call names because you all know who you are! I cannot wait to share Spencer’s birth story with all of you 10 weeks from now and give someone else the hope, so many of you gave me.

As my favorite scripture says; For I know the thoughts I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end. (Jeremiah 29:11). My expected end is on his way.

Awaiting my expected end,