Friday, July 31, 2009

Part 3

At the follow-up the net day with my OB, he explained what happened as we still had questions, he checked baby and said everything looked good. I asked him about the possibility of infection, what to look for and so on. I also asked him about the steroid shots for baby's lungs (we would get them at 24 weeks -just 3 1/2 weeks away), and about the ffn tests (to check impending labor). He prescribed some more antibiotics just to be safe and sent us on our way.
We went home feeling reassured and confident that this would work out.

Friday Morning I woke up and knew something was not quite right. I felt icky, I could not eat and baby wasn't moving.I felt like I was coming down with something. My body ached, my eyes hurt, and I felt feverish. I took my BP, it was 106/60. I tried to take my temp, but discovered the battery in the thermometer was dead. I immediately thought of infection. All the signs were there including loose stools.
Normally he moves and does somersaults when I wake up, but for some reason that morning he did not. I thought ok, he probably is going through a growth spurt (the what to expect when expecting says that around 20 weeks, they tend to not move as much due to this). Around 10:30 when he still had not moved and I started feeling tightening in my lower abdomen, I started to panic. I immediately put my hand over my stomach and started praying. I asked God to calm my fears and calm the uterus. I asked him to take away whatever was happening and to keep bubs safe.
Around 11:00 I called dh. He came home right away. I called the Dr.'s office and a nurse told me to come in around two as it was probably nothing. I asked for my Dr. and she said he was in surgery so I would be seeing Dr. N., the same Dr. who discharged me from the hospital.

Hubby came home and brought me OJ. I drank a ton and lay on my side. Nothing. I drank some soda. Nothing. By this time the tightening had stopped. I told hubby I hope I was being paranoid.

We left early for the Dr.'s office hoping to get in early.
At the Dr.'s office, hey did the routine stuff - weight, BP, and I asked her to check my temperature. It was 100.8. They took hubby and I back into a room while we waited for the Dr. Finally she came in and asked what the matter was. I told her no movement, loose stools, feeling feverish, and tightenings what thought were contractions. She listened to baby's HB and said it was fine. I was skeptical because bubs is usually low and she aimed high. I tried to tell her this, but she brushed me off and said it was baby's HB.
She said the loose stools I was having was from the antibiotics, the tightenings I was feeling were Braxton Hicks, I had a flu and I should take Tylenol.
I asked her about the possibility of infection and she said my fever was too low and that my water had to break. I asked her how to rule it out and she said it was a simple fever. We left there slighted, but figured we were being overly paranoid.

We went home, I took two tylenol and drank some soup. Dh left to go see his father and I parked my behind under the covers. Around 10:00 that night, the contractions were stronger. I told dh, this could not be BH as BH should not be painful. I called my OB, who thank God was on call. I told him about my visit to the his office today and that I was concerned about infection. I told him that the contractions were getting worse. He told me to head to L&D where they would put me on the monitor and give me meds to stop the contractions. We must have done 80 in a 45 zone. On the way to the hospital, I could barely sit - the contractions were that bad.

At the hospital, we were taking immediately to L&D. While disrobing in triage, I felt blood coming. The nurses immediately went into action. I tried to tell them I had a cerclage in, but my OB had already let them know. I asked why I was bleeding because my water did not break, and the nurse said I could be tearing due to the cerclage. It was then that dh called my family to come - we knew something was wrong.
The ultrasound tech came in and did her stuff. During a contraction I looked up and saw her shake her head. She and the nurse left the room and I knew. I could not even cry. The nurse came back in and said there was no HB. She started to take my vitals and I told her I had a fever. This sped her into more action. They moved me to a private room to wait for the Dr. to come.

My family arrived and I remember lashing out about why me? why 2 babies in 8 months? why do these teenagers and abusers and druggies get to carry a child and I don't? I ranted and raved until the dr. got there. I was so mad it could be seen in my face. I remember telling my friend that I new something was wrong and if that idiot dr. had listened to me, we would not be in this predicament.

The Dr. came in and started to hug me. I have always said my OB is the best and he really is. I was his second loss in 20 years. He attempted to take out the cerclage but it was too painful so he called anesthesia down.
The did their stuff and the cerclage was out, all except for one piece which is still there. I had immediately dilated to 3 cm. The cytotec was inserted and we simply waited for labor to begin. I asked the OB why, and he said most likely infection, that he would know more after delivery.

I am lost. I have been a christian since I was 9 years old, and I have never been this tested. I keep asking what's the lesson? Why 2 babies? How much more can I bear? Why me? I feel betrayed. I feel as if I am being punished. I feel worthless as a woman and a wife. How the hell could my cervix be so weak? I am so mad, that when my hubby brought the bible for me to read yesterday morning I told him I don't want to hear that right now. I am being severely tested and I only hope that I pass, but right now I am mad.

How can I be a christian and profess the miracles he can do, when I have yet to see one with my babies? I feel as if all my prayers were in vain, that I spent my entire summer on my back and it was all for naught. I feel as if I let my family and my husband down, most of all I feel I let my babies down. I keep thinking why did I trust the cerclage? Why did I not insist on a TAC? All I wanted was to get to 24 weeks. Why did that not happen. Am I so unworthy that I don't deserve to be a mom?
My hubby says my feelings are normal and it is ok, but while I feel mad at God, part of me feels guilty for being mad.

I miss my babies more than ever and don't know how to grieve. Do I curl in a corner and wail? Do I scream and lash out? Do I try to forget it happened? Today is a week since it all went downhill and it keeps replaying in my mind. Is there something I missed? a symptom? should I have been more aggressive? What more could I have done to avoid this from happening?

Where is my expected end?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Part 2

So the cerclage was done at 10 weeks, 6 days. It went great. No pain, minimal bleeding, and by the next day I was out and about. The spinal block was another story. According to the anesthesiologist, the columns in my back are extremely small and it took two attempts to finally start working. I was given IV antibiotics, before, during and after and sent home on antibiotics as well.
I took two weeks off and then went back to work for the last week of school. I began seeing the OB every 3 weeks and the Peri every 4 weeks.

The fragility of my cervix showed at 15 weeks, 6 days. At a routine Peri appointment, I had lost a centimeter of cervix (from 4. 1 to 3.1) and I was funneling at the top of the cervix. I was prescribed Prometrium (pill form to the P17 shot) to insert vaginally at night. I was told to limit my activities, but I put myself on complete bedrest. I was freaking out, but after talking to some of the ladies on my support site, I learned that the funneling can close with bedrest.
For the next two weeks I remained in the bed only getting up to use the restroom and showering every other day.

At the 2 week appointment with the OB (my OB was on vacation, and I did not want to wait so I saw someone else), I requested a cervical length check. Praise the Lord, the cervix had closed and the funneling had stopped. The Dr. then told me I could be up more and could have one outing per week, to this I politely declined.

Two weeks later at the peri appointment, the sh** hit the fan. He checked baby - perfect!, He checked the cervix - closed! He then decided to apply pressure, right before our eyes, the cervix opened up completely, and the membranes descended past the stitch. He then said my cervix was dynamic - that it can close and open a will. He said my cervix was not bad, but he wanted to put in a tighter stitch. He said that we should not worry, that it was caught in time. I stated to him that the risk was greater as an emergency, and he said it is not an emergency, it is a repair so I should not worry. Needless to say on the way to the hospital, I was a blubbering mess.

I was rushed to the OR, and an emergency cerclage placed. My doctor was in the office, and so a Dr. N. came in and did not give us much hope. She showed no compassion and I was hysterical going into the OR. I remember asking her, if its not going to work, why are we doing it???????? I was so hysterical that they had to calm me down before administering the spinal.

After the placement, the surgeon walked right out. WHAT?????!!!! I frantically asked the OR nurse if the Dr. had said anything about antibiotics. She said no. I told her the peri wants me on antibiotics! It was then that they paged the Dr. and she prescribed something. Now, I am not an idiot. I researched this condition out the wazoo and knew the risks involved. I know infection is a deadly thing that should be combatted before it even rears its ugly head. For this idiot not to give me antibiotics before, during and after placement, only put me and bubs at a greater risk. I was kept overnight for observation and sent home on anti-contraction meds and a form of antibiotics I have never heard of. I was to follow up with my OB the next day.

I cannot grieve. In fact, I don't know how to. I was just getting over AJ, and now I have to grieve my son. Hubby and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements and I lost it. The application for the death certificate wanted to know if the baby was healthy - yes he was. Then it wanted to know if death was a cause due to a maternal condition - yes it was. I felt like crap. My baby was healthy, my body just was not made to carry him.

The one person I was worried about was my dad, and I had reason to be. He told his wife, that whatever little faith he had is now gone. This is from a man who for years struggled with understanding why God took his wife away, and was slowly regaining his trust, only to be thrust right back to where he started. My heart hurts that I cant help him, heck, I cant even help myself!

My heart keeps asking why???? Why me???? Why 2 babies?????? How much more can I bear???? I lay awake at night and I think if my hubby had not married me, he would not be going through this. He has not even cried yet. I want to help him, but I don't know how. I don't know what to say but sorry. I actually told my sister that it would be better to be infertile that to have to go through this pain.
I don't know what the future holds. I keep wondering am I gonna be able to ever have kids??? Am I gonna ever feel whole??? Are we just gonna be childless for the rest of our lives????

I know about the Transabdominal Cerclage. I know about the Laparoscopic Cervico-Ithsmic Cerclage and they give me hope for the future, but I am baffled by the statistics. Statistics scare me.
1% of all pregnancies fail in the 2nd or 3rd trimester - I am in that percentage.
10% of preventive cerclages fail - I am in that percentage
25% of emergent cerclages fail - I am in that percentage
3% of transabdominal cerclages fail - what if I am in that percentage??????????? Am I willing to risk my heart???? Am I willing to put my family through another devastating heartache??????????

Where is my expected end?

Monday, July 27, 2009

Part 1

We found out we were pregnant on April 4th, 2009. A day before AF was due. I got up that morning feeling crummy and realized that it was the same feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant with Alyssa-Joy. After work I stopped at the pharmacy and bought a HPT. When the result was positive, I cried tears of joy. I immediately called hubby and we both rejoiced.
I immediately calculated and realized that I was 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

When hubby and I sat down and discussed the pregnancy, we made the decision that we would not tell anyone until 24 weeks, we would not buy a thing.. We actually told my family the night before the cerclage placement.
At our first appointment, we brought a list of questions for the OB to answer. We left there confident that this pregnancy would result in a healthy live baby. My OB has a 99% success rate and has only ever had one cerclage failure in the 20 years he has been practicing- awesome success rate which made us even more confident.

I remember talking to God and telling him, "if you are going to take this one, please take it in the first trimester". We chose to believe that this would be our promise, our miracle, our baby to bounce, and kiss, and love. This bay would actually smile at us, grasp our finger, and utter the words everyone wants to hear "mommy, "daddy". Sure we were on pins and needles and were worried all the time, but once we got to 14 weeks and things were still well, our confidence grew even more.

What made this pregnancy even more ideal, was that it was summer and I would be off anyway, so bedrest and work would not be an issue. We really believed that the outcome would be different. I kept talking about Gods perfect timing because everything was falling into place, hubby got a promotion, summer vacation, every time something good happened, we rejoiced knowing God was preparing something big for us. We kept saying, God is going to make a testimony out of us. Others will see and know that he is an able God. During the delivery, the first thought that came to mind was, "a lot of people are going to lose faith". Here I was telling the ladies on my support site how God was good, and well able, and would bring us through. I feel like a liar. I just pray that our situation does not deter anyone from seeking God.

Right now I am mad. I am mad at the doctors who did not do their jobs adequetely. I am mad at my body for failing me again. I am mad at God - don't get me wrong, I don't hate him, I just cannot believe that he would put my fragile heart through this again. I tear up, but the tears won't come freely. My heart feels cold, and I have an ache in the pit of my stomach.
I cried today when I sat with the funeral director and made funeral arrangements. This move respresented finality for me and I cannot even begin to believe that someone may not call me mom, that I can't give my sisters nieces or nephews, that I can't give my father grandchildren, that I can't give my husband children.
I find myself thinking less of myself. Does my husband love me any less? Is it even worth it to be a wife? What purpose do I have in this world? What kind of lesson am I being taught? What did I do to deserve this? If he desires good for us, why do we have to experience pain and heartache? I feel like I aborted my son. He was perfectly healthy. I am mad at the teenagers, druggies, and abusers that have 4 and 5 kids and can't take care of them, and here we are perfectly able to provide for a child and I am not even able to carry one.
Please don't think that I am thinking of harming myself - I am just questioning.
All I know is that my heart aches and I am trying to look to the hills from whence cometh my help, but it is so hard to get past the pain.

Where is my expected end?

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Coming clean and sad news.

Hello ladies, I must say I have not been totally honest. In April, hubby and I found out we were expecting again. We did all the research surrounding an Incompetent cervix, the possible outcomes, success rates, etc. We found the best doctor and and had a plan in place. At 10 weeks, 6 days we had the cerclage placed. All was going well until Tuesday July 21.
It is with a heavy heart that I relay the news that once again my body has failed me.

On Tuesday I went in for an emergency cerclage after it was found at a routine appointment with the perinatologist that the membranes had funneled past the stitch and that I had a dynamic cervix. The doctor who placed the cerclage was not my regular OB. After the surgery, she quickly left the room. I asked the OR nurse if she had mentioned any antibiotics and she said no. I told the nurse that my peri wanted me on antibiotics and they had the dr. paged, who then prescribed some antibiotics. I was kept for 24 hours.

The Dr. on call stopped by to see me. She stated that there were no signs of infection. I asked her what signs to look for that something was wrong and she provided the necessary information. I was then discharged.

I must add, that when TTC, hubby and I spent months researching possible problems and solutions, infections being one of them. For the first stitch, I had antibiotics before, during, and after surgery.

Follow up appointment with my OB, stitch looked good, baby looked great, gave me a prescription for more antibiotics just to be safe. Bedrest was increased and he told me if I need to come in everyday to be reassured, I should.

I woke up that morning thinking something was not right. I had no appetite and had loose stools. Usually baby kicked up a storm but for some reason, I felt no movement that morning. Around 9:30 I started having mild contractions. I called the Dr's. office and told a nurse my concerns. My OB was on call so they told me to come in around 2 to see Dr. M., the same dr. who discharged me.
I called hubby who left work to come home. I drank ice cold OJ and even some soda. No movement. We left for the Dr. around 1:15.
At 2:00, I saw the Dr. and told her my concerns, loose stools, mild contractions without a pattern, flu-like symptoms, lack of movement. She used the portable doppler to check babys hb, and found it. Instead of reassuring me, she looked at me like I was paranoid and told me the loose stools was from the antibiotics, I was having braxton hicks, I just have the flu and should take some tylenol, and baby was fine, plus I was only 20 weeks and should not be worried about movement. I asked her about a swab or blood draw to rule out infection and she said my temp was too low to be an infection (100.8) and If I had an infection my water would break.
We went home feeling slighted, but figured, hey she is the professional. It is because of her actions that affected the next sequence of events.

Around 9pm, the contractions were becoming more painful. I told hubby braxton hicks should not hurt and I called my OB. He told me to head to L&D where they would put me on the monitor and give me meds to stop the contractions if necessary.
On the way to L&D, I could barely sit in my seat, I could barely walk to the labor floor. As I was being disrobed, I felt a gush. They rushed a sonographer to Triage. When she was done the tech and the nurse left the room and I knew it was too late. The nurse came back in and told me that no hb was detected.
Luckily my OB was on call and I was whisked away to a private room to deliver bubs. The cerclage could not come out as the membranes had once again funneled past the stitch. Anesthesia came down and the stitch removed (I was dilated 3 cm already) and cyotec inserted to speed up contractions and cause dilation.

07/25/2009 - 5:54am.
Evan George W. was born sleeping. 13 oz, 10 inches at 20 weeks, 3 days. He was beautiful, chubby, and like Alyssa-Joy looked just like his dad. We got to hold him and love on him for a few hours.
We are still in the hospital and will be here for a few more days to ensure that infection has not spread to my blood.
The reason Evan died was due to an infection which developed during the placement of the emergency stitch. This cause me to have contractions as my body was trying to dispel a dead baby. I am so pissed, I cannot even cry, knowing that this could have been avoided. I am so numb that no tears can come. 25 years old and I am making funeral arrangements for a child. I feel like damaged goods, a failure. My husband and I want kids and I cannot even give that to him.
In addition to that, my cervix is too weak for even the stitch to hold.

When we got pregnant, hubby and I decided that this was it. No TAC, no TVC, no more pregnancies. We did not want to put ourselves through stress and our families as well. Hubby would literally stay up at night and watching my belly to see if baby moved. He would call me a million times a day asking if everything was ok. He was losing hair and his hair was turning grey. We had really thought this would be our miracle.
I remember saying to God, if this does not work out, then I know I am not meant to be a mom. Now I know.
I have come to terms that I was made to nourish the children I teach.

This is the short version and in the next few days, I will be explaining the details to you in parts and why I kept this pregnancy from you. Please forgive me for deceiving you, as I have always valued your support. Please keep hubby and me in your thoughts and prayers as we go through this difficult time.

Awaiting my expected end (I must change this signature).

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

In hospital

Please Pray. Will update when I can.

Awaiting my expected end.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Down in the dumps, but hopeful and joyful

Hello gang, yes, it has been two weeks and I must say a sad, yet hopeful two weeks. Last week marked 7 months since I lost my precious baby girl. I posted on my fb status " 7 months today....". Immediately my sister called me demanding why I put that up and I must stop watching sad movies. Excuse me??????? She is under the impression that I must have watched something to make me remember. Let me say, nothing significant needs to remind me of the worst day of my life. The rain, 6:55 am every saturday morning, my hubby's face, seeing other babies, my bed, everything reminds me of what I lost. It is 7 months later and people are expecting me to forget and just move on. Not so. How can I forget someone that was a part of me? As a friend so greatly put it, if you lost an arm, would you remember that arm 10 years later? I sure would.
I will never forget. Yes, the pain lessens but anything can bring it right to the surface. She was my child, a human being, a combination of me and my husband, how can I forget her????

I often wonder if I am crazy. On my support site, many women don't even mention the baby they lost after having another. Will having another make me forget my firstborn? Will the pain be gone when another baby arrives? Am I the only one still grieving?

I have been searching the scriptures lately and the Caanan keeps popping up. Caanan means promise. When the people of God were in captivity, God promised them that they would get to Caanan, the promise land. The people had their moments of doubt, but God always "showed up and showed out" i.e, he fulfilled his promises. I am reminded daily that his promises are sure and his mercies are new every morning. I have to talk my self out of worrying. Why worry? He has always showed up when I needed him, and why worry about tomorrow? I must focus on today.
Today I am infinitely blessed. I have a job, a home, a wonderful hubby, a great family, I am a part of the family of God,and most of all I have hope. I will focus on today, and every morning, I will thank him for another day that these blessings are a part of my life. I can plan for the future, but am reminded that he has the ultimate say.

This week I am praying for all my friends who are trying to start a family. I pray every IVF or IUI procedure goes well, I pray for the miracle of conception with or without fertility meds, I pray for those who are still grieving, as well as those who are moving on. I am taking the spotlight off me and putting it on others, after all we are our brothers keeper.

BTW - Thanks for all the comments, they always brighten my day.

Awaiting my expected end.