I keep reflecting on the scripture that says there is nothing new under the sun (I have to find the actual scripture). Plainly put, nothing that we go through is new - someone, somewhere has already experienced it. I have met so many women who have experienced the loss of their babies, and though nothing is new under the sun, each story and experience is unique. We are all affected in different ways, have differing support systems, and react in different ways.
As for me, when I found out I was going to lose both my babies, I felt numb. I heard what the Dr.'s said, but for some reason it did not "settle" that I was really going to lost them. My family bawled to say the least. My dh bargained with God, and all they could ask was what happened?
I am curious, what was your first reaction? How did those around you (if they were there to hear the news react)?
Where is my expected end?
I'll be interested to read these responses :)
ReplyDeleteAs for me, it took me quite a while to "get it," so my first reaction was really to kind of laugh and brush it off. I was not understanding. Then came the confusion. Then, hours later when it finally sunk in. . . "defeated" is the word I have most often used. I don't remember if I cried, although I'm sure I did. But I don't think I bawled or was hysterical. I just remember crawling under the covers in that hospital bed and feeling defeated.
((Hugs)) to you.
When my doctor uttered the words, "no heartbeat", I really don't remember what happened at first. I know I cried, I know I curled up in that hospital bed and squeezed my husbands hand. That was the worst moment of my life.
ReplyDeleteWhen Nicholas was born unexpectedly at home, I was in shock. He was moving and, even though my head must have known he was too young to survive, I just tried to keep him warm and tell him how much I loved him until the EMTs arrived. They tried everything to save him, even thought they too must have known it wasnt possible. 2 weeks later, when Sophia's water broke, I knew that the chances I'd carry her 6 more weeks to viability were slim to none. When she was born, all I could think was that I wanted her to know how much we loved her. When I went into the hospital with Alexander, we just decided to take every day as a special blessing. When his labor progressed and couldnt be stopped, we knew that he wouldnt survive and we just told God that we delivered his spirit into His hands and thanked Him for the time we had. We told Alex how much we loved him and held him close.
ReplyDeleteWhen I realized Jenna might not make it at the 5 month check up I was mostly naive and optimistic. When she died a few months later, I felt dead. I felt like my purpose ended. I soon entered this zombie-like demeanor and it really kept me sane from feeling the full brunt of this devastating loss. I stayed "numb" for at least 6 weeks. When that wore off, I began to feel, really feel the deep sadness that I was almost convinced could kill me. My husband was much more grounded than me.
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess my moment would be when we found out about Carleigh's fatal diagnosis. I got the call that there was something concerning on the US and made the trip back to the hospital. When I found out I was by myself (well technically my coworker was in the room but I don't count him). I had just read my US report and the first thing was shock. Was this really happening to me? I didn't cry until I heard it come from our doctor's mouth just in case there was a *slim* chance I had read wrong. Strangely, at a moment when I should've been so broken I felt at peace. I felt the same peace again when she was born, even though she wasn't born alive like we were praying for.
ReplyDeleteThe night before Jonathan was born I had started bleeding extremely heavy so I don't even think I could really process what was going on. I got to the ER and I remember seeing his heartbeat on the ultrasound machine just for the doc to tell me he was going to die. It didn't sink in till after I delivered him. Mike felt it much sooner then I did. Ironically like some of the other ladies who have posted I did feel some peace when I first held him in my arms. I just wish that peace lasted sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI know it is a bit late but I will answer this question anyway.
ReplyDeleteWe had no idea that we were to lose Olivia so when they began saying that her heartrate was dropping I thought nothing of it. I knew that was normal sometimes in late labor. Unfortunately things just went downhill from there. It kept getting lower and lower and everyone started rushing around. She was too far down the birth canal to attempt a csection so instead I was rushed through pushing. They kept trying to resuscitate her but for whatever reason their attempts were in vain. I was still coming down from the high of delivery and at first I didn't "get" that something was wrong until my husband rushed off to the other side of the room and the words that were being tossed around began to sink in. They spent forever trying to get her heart to beat again, but when the first "I'm sorry" came out of my Ob's mouth all I remember thinking is that somehow it was a bad dream or maybe a terrible joke and in a minute or two someone was going to say "Just kidding!" It took weeks to sink in that I had actually lost my baby girl, because I had no warning, no premonitions, no nothing.