I have been thinking about Psalm 37:4 lately. So simple, yet profound and reminds me of his promises.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I know when many people have experienced loss or struggle to conceive, they wonder if this scripture rings true. When I lost AJ and Evan, I doubted this scripture. I was mad at God (I did not hate him though) and angry that he did not keep his word. I still struggle with this today. Thank God I am not perfect and as my sister tells me often; he can handle it.
After the second loss, I asked myself' "why did he not fulfill this desire? Am I not worth it? Do I not deserve to have happiness?" How is it that the women who are not the best, are the ones who quickly get pregnant and carry to term with no problems? When I say women, I am referring to the ones that abuse drugs, their children, their bodies, and intentionally mistreat the children they have. Why is it that if he will fulfill the desires of my heart, do I have to struggle so much? That I have to worry and fret? That I can only look longingly at pregnant bellies and newborn babies? Why? Why? Why?
Even though I think these thoughts daily, I still know that he desires good for me. I see the everyday blessing that I have. My supportive husband, my wonderful family, a job I love, blessings on every side. I have to believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart. I reflect and remind myself that the road to my expected end may be filled with problems, road blocks,and detours, but with perseverance, faith, and keeping my eyes on the prize, I will get there.
Though the pain is unbearable and it hurts to no end, I KNOW that if these desires came without road blocks, I would not be as appreciative or be the best mom. I would not be the wife I am, the daughter I am, or the sister I am. I would never have known how awesome my husband is, or what a wonderful family I have. I would also never know who my REAL friends are.
Because I have experienced great loss, I already appreciate and look forward to what will be. One day, I know he will give me peace. It may not be today or tomorrow, but someday. He will not let me live my entire life without fulfilling my greatest desire.
I know he is preparing me for something great. When that will be, I never know - it is all in his timing. All I can do (since it is out of my control) is to trust him wholly. No one knows that this is harder to do that myself, but I am going to try my hardest to leave it up to him.
I have friends who are struggling to conceive. If I can leave anything with them, all I can say is, it is coming. When? I have no idea. Part of my stepping out on faith is preparing myself for what is to be - I hope you do the same. I am waiting on my future children and while waiting, I am getting things ready for them. I have started getting my finances in order (paying off credit card bills -thankfully it is not much) putting up my Condo for rent and looking for a house, buying Christmas stockings that read "our soon to be", researching insurance options and so on.
I tell him daily what that desire is and pray over it. I wrote this desire on a post-it note and stuck it in my Bible (I will share this in another post). Every time I go to read my Bible, I will see it and it will remind me to pray without ceasing. After all, isn't this how I got my husband?
In 2004 I decided that I would stop dating mindlessly. I decided that if I were going to date someone, he would be the one I would marry. I attended a Singles Conference and the speaker reminded us to tell God what we wanted.
During that conference, I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote the things I wanted in a husband (I will share that list another day). I kept it there and I prayed over it every time I read my Bible. This list kept me on the straight and narrow, especially when I felt lonely. While waiting on the man who would be my husband, I prepared myself. I finished my degree, got a Masters, got my finances in order, paid off my car, and bought our Condo. I kept myself busy and close to God. Before you know it, he brought this wonderful man in my life when I least expected it.
I told you this story to say, I believed then, and I will believe now.
This is me believing and stepping out on faith. I encourage you all to do the same. I choose to believe that he will fulfill the desires of my heart. Continue to keep me in your prayers ladies, and I will do the same.
Where is my expected end?