Friday, July 22, 2011


I turn 27 today and all I can remember is that two years ago I spent my birthday in the hospital, eating nasty hospital food. This day has changed for me. It is no longer a celebratory day but a reminder of what happened to my precious first born son. On this day I had hope if only for a short while 2 years ago.

Today I will spend my birthday not trying to forget, but to just get through the day without breaking down. Even though my rainbow is here, the ache has not gone away, the pain has not gone away, the memory has not gone away. I must admit, he helps to lessen the pain, but boy it still hurts. It hurts even more that the milestones I am experiencing with him, I never got to experience with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. I miss them so very much and I know I always will. I look forward to the day when I ca hold them in my arms. When I will see them whole again. When I can tell them I love them. When I can say I am sorry for failing them. When I can say "mommy is here to stay:.

So today won't be spend celebrating another year older. Today will be spent anguishing that their face, smell, touch is slowly fading from my senses, but realizing I am one more year closer to meeting them again.

I love you so very much my sweethearts. Floaty kisses..............

Grieving the journey to my expected end,


  1. Bless your sweet heart today Marie! As BLM there are soo many horrible milestones that we have to go through until we can hold our babies again. It's sadly what we have to do because we are their Momma's and we love them soo much!

    Happy Birthday to you and I hope that God brings you some peace and joy today!


  2. ((Marie)) As hard as this is for you, please find some joy today. We are blessed by this day, because this is the day God chose to give you to us, and we are celebrating that. I know you're going to spend some time in tearful reflection...but also find some time to be happy. Please. For me? If I were closer, girlie, we'd be heading out for pedis and margaritas!

  3. Oh Marie! I am thinking of you and Alyssa Joy, Evan and Spencer today please know that you are loved!

  4. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you <3