Sunday, July 24, 2011

Where I am Today

On July 24th, 2010, I wrote this post. I was thankfully feeling a lot better when I wrote that post. This year I am just angry. Angry at the drs., angry at life's circumstances. I am also asking why? Why me? Why us? Even though I know I will never get an answer, I am still asking in a defiant voice.

I am saddened that Spencer will only hear about his brother and sister. I am saddened that all he will have are pictures. I keep thinking I should have 3 children here to love and hold, but I have 2 in my heart and one in my arms. I long to hold them, to smell them, to hear their voices. I often wonder who they would be like. Me? Their dad? Would they be feisty? Would they be shy? I do know one thing. They would be loved oh so very much.

This day 2 years ago was horrible. The dr didn't take me seriously. Who knows how it could have turned out? If only she had listened! Today was the last time I felt my son move. The last time I would have a link to him. The last time he would hear my voice. The last time my heart would be whole.

I love and miss you my son. I love you to the moon and back........

Grieving the journey to my expected end,


  1. My heart is with you Marie....there just aren't words.


  2. How I know and understand the endless questions! I am so sorry that you do as well. I love how you say an expected end. I never looked at it like that but it is so true. Isnt that really all the hope we need?