The flashbacks have started.....

On July 21st, 2009 we went to visit the MFM for what was a routine appointment. Though we were nervous, we KNEW that everything was well. We got to see our sweet little boy and a cervix that was still measuring 3.5 cm and was closed. When I told him the *dildo" hurt, his exact words "thats not good". Imagine our surprise when the look of shock came over the Dr.'s face as he applied pressure to my stomach. With tears streaming down our faces, we were rushed to the operating room at the hospital a few miles away and an emergency cerclage done (replacing the failed one). I remember the callousness of the Dr. who performed the rescue procedure and her bluntness. I remember telling her (after she said it won't work) that if she thinks its not going to work, why do it? Why risk infection?" I remember her shrugging her shoulders and demanding if I wanted her to "do it or not?".

I remember shaking so badly (because I was so hysterical) that two nurses had to hold me still while the spinal was being done. I remember that awful Dr. leaving the OR, and remember crying out to the nurse "did she say anything about antibiotics? The Dr. wants me on antibiotics!" I remember the sweet nurse who was rubbing my brow during the entire ordeal rushing out to catch the Dr. and coming back in with orders for antibiotics to be administered.

I remember being wheeled to the L&D floor......... I remember being so frightened that I could not eat, sleep, talk. I remember getting up to pee and hearing a plop in the toilet. When I asked the nurse on duty if it could be my mucus plug, she said no "its just tissue from the new cerclage being done".

I remember crying all night......I remember begging God......I remember vowing to my husband that I will carry this baby to term....... I remember e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g...... even though I don't want to.

The memories are hard. The flashbacks even harder. I am transported back to that day....to that appointment....to that OR.....to that hospital room.... to that day........ and my heart breaks into a million pieces again. I did EVERYTHING in my power and it. did. not. work.

On this day last year, I had no idea I would be holding another baby that would never see his mothers or fathers face.

Today....this emotional day...the day that started it all..... makes me ask myself- what if it happens again?

Awaiting my expected end.