I remember shaking so badly (because I was so hysterical) that two nurses had to hold me still while the spinal was being done. I remember that awful Dr. leaving the OR, and remember crying out to the nurse "did she say anything about antibiotics? The Dr. wants me on antibiotics!" I remember the sweet nurse who was rubbing my brow during the entire ordeal rushing out to catch the Dr. and coming back in with orders for antibiotics to be administered.
I remember being wheeled to the L&D floor......... I remember being so frightened that I could not eat, sleep, talk. I remember getting up to pee and hearing a plop in the toilet. When I asked the nurse on duty if it could be my mucus plug, she said no "its just tissue from the new cerclage being done".
I remember crying all night......I remember begging God......I remember vowing to my husband that I will carry this baby to term....... I remember e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g...... even though I don't want to.
The memories are hard. The flashbacks even harder. I am transported back to that day....to that appointment....to that OR.....to that hospital room.... to that day........ and my heart breaks into a million pieces again. I did EVERYTHING in my power and it. did. not. work.
On this day last year, I had no idea I would be holding another baby that would never see his mothers or fathers face.
Today....this emotional day...the day that started it all..... makes me ask myself- what if it happens again?
Awaiting my expected end.