Thursday, July 21, 2011


I wrote this post this time last year. The feelings are still the same. July 21st still brings the same trepidation. I still woke up with a pounding heart as my mind returns to that day. I can vividly see the exam room, the look on the ultrasound tech's face, the look on the MFM's face. I can clearly hear those words; "the stitch is failing". I knew then that it was over. My husband pleaded with me to be positive.

I remember the drive to the hospital, how hysterical I was. I remember the dr. coming in and being absolutely hope. I remember being wheeled in the operating room. I remember not being administered any antibiotics. I remember how quickly she did the "repair". I remember in a panic telling the nurse, "she (the dr) didn't mention antibiotics. The dr. wants me on antibiotics"! I remember her rushing to find the dr. to get permission to fulfill my drs. orders.

I remember being wheeled to the room crying all the way there. I remember passing a door with a purple card with a tear drop on a leaf and thinking "will that be me again"? But somehow despite those fears, there was a glimmer of hope in my heart. Little did I know that the flickering hope would soon be extinguished.

Will these flashbacks every go away?

Grieving the journey to out expected end,


  1. Marie, I have to tell you a big thank you . I remembered a while back you mentioning the lack of antibiotics with your cerclage and when I had mine placed 10 weeks ago I had a fit like no other before going into surgery to make sure that I had them! (My dr. didn't think that I needed them). I have already tested positive for Beta strep this pregnancy and had you not mentioned antibiotics a while back I might not still be pregnant right now (almost 30 weeks praise God). So, thank you thank you thank you!

  2. Marie, I know the flashbacks put you in a bad place. I have dealt with that myself. I don't remember when they stopped coming for me. I'm sorry you have had so much loss in your young life. I love you and all your babies. Praying for you...xoxoxo.