Wednesday, March 4, 2009


Ever felt useless???? I have never in my life had low self-esteem. In fact, I have always considered myself to be a confident person. I love the Lord with all my heart and try to do his will daily. I do not profess to be the greatest christian as I recognize that we all have sinned and come short of his glory. Knowing this, I know it is never his will for us to feel this way. I know I should not blame him, but trust him, and always look up as my redemption draweth nigh.

However, the human side of me cannot help but feel this way. I know I am probably feeling sorry for myself,  but sometimes I need to in order to move on. It is good to recognize and validate how we are feeling as this is part of the healing process. 
I feel absolutely USELESS, and can't help but feeling as if I am damaged goods. The one this that we take for granted and feel that every woman can do is to have babies. I can't even do this right. Af came 2 days early last night! I had no af symptoms, and am now questioning myself. My cycle seems to be dwindling - 28 days, 26 days, and now 24 days. What's going to eventually happen????? None at all????????
The word states to be fruitful and multiply. Heck, I got the fruitful part down, but for some reason I can't multiply. My dh wants children so bad, and if I know I would have a hard time, I truly would not have married. This is one thing that he so desperately wants, and I cannot seem to give it to him. What's  a girl to do?? Every time I get a negative, I feel extra worse for him.
This was it for us. No more trying for the rest of the year, that means no 2009 baby for us. This is so because with the economy the way it is, I cannot risk taking time off from my job as they will surplus me. Plus the school board is crappy with disability and insurance. If you take disability, they only cover your insurance for 60 school days, after that they drop you. I cannot afford to take this risk.

I simply feel horrible. I see everyone around me getting pregnant (trust me, I don't begrudge them of their happiness, I just wish it could be me). When I see them, its as if I cannot get away fast enough! It now makes me uncomfortable to be around them. We had a baby shower at work this week, and I did not even go. It is that painful. I sat in my room and bawled.
I am starting to think that maybe having babies is not for everyone, and I may be in that category. I must suck it up and move on. But as someone who loves kids, I cannot accept this! I cannot imagine my life without a child? How can I not give my husband a child??? What if there is a possibility that I will be childless??? I refuse to accept it!

I do not want to feel this way! I hate feeling sorry for myself. It is days like these that I find myself starting to ask why, but I will not let the devil control my mind. I know everything works together for good, but how good is this? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Thanks for hearing me rant.

Still awaiting my expected end - where ever it is.

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