I have been having these weird headaches lately. I am more aware of every twinge since losing my baby. I finally went to see the doctor. Would you believe that I have a really bad sinus infection???? I have never in my life had sinus problems, and now I will be on antibiotics and saline drips for the next two weeks. Will it ever end?????
Dh and I had a fight last night (yes, we do have those ;-0). Believe it or not it was trivial. After we lost AJ, I did not feel the need to dress up anymore. I find it a pain to spend hours in front of the closet looking for something to wear or spending unnecessary time beautifying myself. I guess this is one of the things men don't understand. Anyway, he stated that I have been slacking and and am starting to not look like the person he married. I was offended! Therefore, I snapped back. I love my hubby, but after going through such an ordeal, I tend to focus not so much on the unimportant things, but look forward to enjoying every second of my day doing something constructive.
Okay. I just had to get that out of my system. Last night, I woke up in tears after having the weirdest dream. If you can recall, my AP is having a baby and is due a week before I was. She is currently 36 weeks and could really pop any day. Seeing her makes me sad, so I avoid her as much as possible (which is difficult as we serve on most of the same committees together). I often find myself staring at her bump and immediately get sad. I digress. I dreamt that she was holding her new born baby, but the baby was Alyssa-Joy. I kept saying, "I don't want to see her and the baby" and tried to get away as fast as I could. What was so odd, was that every single time I went back to sleep, I had the same dream. Still today I cannot shake the dream. I have no clue what it means so if someone can help me out, I would really appreciate it.
Lately, I have become engrossed in the blog world, mostly searching for women who have gone through the same things that I have experienced. I have learned this - there are MANY! I was searching to see how they handled it and how their lives are today. I have since learnt that the pain never goes away. It may lessen, but never leaves.
Knowing that I will have a lifetime to feel this way, I am expressing thanks to my savior for the short experience I had with my baby. I will never forget how she was a blessing to both dh and me.
1. I am thankful that I have a perfect child. Technically she was not born, so she was not "born in sin".
2. I am thankful for the 20 weeks I had with her.
3. I am thankful for the kicks and punches that I felt. I did not like them then, but now I miss them.
4. I am even thankful for the morning sickness. It reassured me that there was life inside me.
5. I am thankful that the experience brought her daddy and I closer together.
6. I am thankful. Because of her, I am more compassionate, loving, and patient.
So even though her precious life was short, she changed me in many ways. The scripture says, "in all things give thanks". Lord, I thank you. Trails only come to make me stronger and ultimately I know I will have a testimony to share with others who are willing to hear.