Whew!!

I made it. Thanks for the advice ladies. ;-) It seems I had more anxiety anticipating the day than on the actual day itself. I hope the same will apply for my upcoming due date (April 20th).
I was fine all day, but right before bed, dh said; "do you remember what happened the last time we were right here?" We were on the same couch, the same time, doing the same thing (eating fries) November 28th, when I found out I was bleeding. It was sweet that he remembered but painful at the same time. With all the similarities that occured, I realy was expecting af to show. It is now 6:00 in the morning and af till has not shown her ugly face (CD 26). I have a lot of creamy discharge (I know-TMI) which has gotten me worried as I have never had it before. I still have no idea when af will show - could be tomorrow or Wednesday. Still waiting. The cramping has stopped, bu still have this awful pulling pain in my lower left side which realy has me worried - pray for me. If it continues, I will be visiting my doc to rule out infection or something worse. I am not due for a pap until July.

We took the kids to Boomers, and folks I did have heart attack at the amount spent. It is really getting costly to entertain kids these days. Dh feels that beacuse he does not see them often, he should do a lot with them when he does. He really is a great dad, just a poor planner. If anyone can suggest some cost-effecient activities I will gladly give him a list. He keeps joking that I am beyond cheap. My response - " you will be thanking me when the economy gets worse.

I leave you with this quotation : If our God can make morsels of snow fall from the gray sky,
If he can weave a tapestry of a rainbow and stretch it into a wet sky, what is there that is impossible for him to do?


Awaing my expected end.

Short tempered

I seem to have a short fuse lately. I snap at everything and everyone (except my students). I snap at dh, my friends, my sisters, I have been a complete bear -grrrr. They say in order to overcome something, one must first acknowledg it. Okay - I have been a total ****h lately and I can't seem to stop. I am blaming it on AF. There-I acknowledged it, not on to dealing with it. Lord help me to hold my tongue.

Today is CD 24. 1st milestone has gone, and 3 more left to go. I have been cramping on and off for the past few days.....so it is only a matter of time.

My step-kids are coming tomorrow and I have mixed emotions. Don't get me wrong - I love them, but the last time they were here, we lost Alyssa-Joy and I am just not ready for the reminder. Dh will be driving the 3 1/2 hours to get them and I will not be going. I hope I can get through the memories.
We have a busy day planned. They are going to visit with their aunts, uncles, and grandparents, then eat dinner (at home), and then go to Boomers (a mini adventure theme park). The thought of the cost is giving me a hernia, especially since I have to shell out money on our taxes and a ticket dh got being stupid. It is more difficult earning more..... and knowing this, I worry about everything. I don't like working in the summer, but at the rate things are going, I just might have to.

Oh Where Oh Where is Spring Break????

Here I am sitting in an all day leadership meeting and my mind is elsewhere. I should be brainstorming and sharing ideas and concerns, but all I can think about is Spring Break and getting preggers. I find myself analyzing every feeling, twitch, and ache..... wondering......if......I.....could.......be.....pregnant. I keep running to the restroom checking the toilet paper. I keep thinking that I am seeing blood (its not there, but I cant help it). Every time I don't see blood, I breathe a sigh of relief. Today is CD 21. I have no idea how long my cycle is. If it is 24 - all hopes are shot, if it is 26 - there is a glimmer of hope, if it is 28 - then we really have a fighting chance. I have a few milestones. Thursday, then Sunday, then wednesday. I really do not know when I ovulated. I used OPK's the last 2 weeks and could not pinpoint a day until I got fed up and stopped. I hope and pray that I am. If I am not, again, it is ok. After all, we are supposed to be taking a break.

I absolutely cannot wait for spring break.  April 6th cannot get here fast enough. I can really say that my students are driving me insane. They, like myself are simply counting the days until Spring Break.

Every Spring, I compile my plans for the summer. This summer I plan on learning to crochet, hit the gym and lose some weight and laze around the house. I cannot wait!

I also miss my baby today. Knowing me, I would have already have everything prepared. I would be anticipating her birth and enjoying it. If I were still pregnant, next week would be my last week. As I approach this day, the reality of my due date draws even closer. I am dreading it. How will I feel? Will I be depressed? Will I be able to handle it? Should I even bother coming to work?

Please pray for us as we approach this now dreaded date.

Awaiting my expected end.

36 weeks.......

Wow! Today I would be 36 weeks. I have tried unsubscribing to the e-mails that tell you what happens at each week and what you should be feeling. Each time I read my email, a knife stabs me even harder. I also still get the baby samples in the mail, but dh tries to hide them before I see them. How do I avoid it? I don't check the mail. How pathetic!

I am a little depressed today (I dislike that word), more like extremely sad. Today is supposed to be CD 20,  but I feel as if AF is on her way. Dh and I did the deed, but again I am not optimistic. I keep running to the restroom because I feel as if AF is on the verge. 

This song keeps resounding in me head and heart and I am grateful for it. I hope the lyrics bring you as much peace as it does me. The lyrics are:

God is able to do,

Just what he said he will do.

He's gonna fulfill every promise to you.

Don't give up on God, 'cause he won't give up on you...

HE'S ABLE!

Thank you lord for never giving up on me and reminding me daily that your promises are sure!

During the preaching at church last night (my brother in law did an awesome job!), I was flipping through the bible and found this scripture. I believe that the Lord directed me to this section and I am eternally grateful that I found it.

Psalm 77: 1-14.

1. I cried unto God with my voice; even unto God with my voice; and he gave ear unto me.

2. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not:my soul refused to be comforted.

3. I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained and my spirit was overwhelmed.

4. Thou holdest mine eyes waking: I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

5. I have considered the days of old, the years of ancient times.

6. I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search.

7. Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will he be favorable no more?

8. Is his mercy clean gone for ever? doth his promise fail for evermore?

9. Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies?

10. And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most high.

11. I will remember the works of the Lord: surely I will remember the wonders of old.

12. I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.

13. Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?

14.Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people.

This scripture sums up how I am feeling. It also lets me know that it ok to feel this way, and that he still desires to grant me good things. He has not forgotten me and the blessings he desires to give me. He wants me to go to him in prayer and let him know how I am feeling. As the song says he has not given up on me.......so why should I give up on him?? Be blessed.

Awaiting my expected end.

Ovulating

Well. I feel pain in my left side. I still don't know if it is pre-ovulation pain or ovulation pain itself. Why am I telling you this you may ask? I am not sure what to do with it. The last two times I paid attention to this pain, I did not get pregnant. Though dh and I are taking a break, I feel guilty that I am passing up what I perceive as a "missed opportunity". I am afraid to try and have it turn out negative, yet I am afraid to try and have out turn out positive. I know, I an insane.

I have been using OPK's up until this past Tuesday to see if I can pinpoint my ovulation days so that when I do try, I will know that this method works. So far, I have not had any LH surges. I know that they say if your surge is low, the test may not pick it up, but I am not convinced that they work. Anyway today is CD 16, and this would mean that I am ovulating late. Does that mean I was off the previous months? Is this why it did not work the last few months? I am now conflicted. Should I do the deed and see or should I stick to our plan and take a break. Oh! The things we do just to have children! Help! What do you think?

Spring break is two weeks away and I can't wait! I do not know why the powers that be scheduled spring break 3 weeks after the FCAT test. The students seem to think that they do not have to learn in my class because the test is over. Not in my classroom! They are now officially driving me insane and it is push to get them to focus. Every teacher I spoke to this morning state the same thing so I feel better that I am not alone.

Today is a good day for me. My intern's niece was born this morning and thats all she can talk about. I am actually ok. My AP is officially on bedrest so I don't see her anymore. I am simply exhausted from my quest to avoid pregnant women. I really need a break! Can't wait for the weekend.

Awaiting my expected end.

Be still....

I love blogging. It gives me an outlet to explore and express my feelings. I am usually a very quiet person and this medium gives me the opportunity to meet, share and minister my experiences with others who may be experiencing a similar situation.
No one should ever have to lose a child. The week after we lost our child, I think I was numb and in disbelief. It was after praying and talking to my hubby that I learnt that it was ok to feel... just feel. At work, I don't express or show how I am feeling, and people look at me and think all is well... it is not. There is a war on the inside. I trust my savior and know that he will work it out for my good, but the human side (which fails him daily) asks why? Whenever I feel this way, that still small voice whispers; "Be still and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10). Though we often neglect to read or quote the remaining portion of the scripture, these few words are the most powerful.

Whenever I doubt the plans God has for me, I remember this scripture. It is a scripture that I can contemplate on. It is a scripture that reminds me of the plans he has towards me. It is a scripture that reminds me that he is still God, and inspite of what we experience, he still holds my life and future in his hands. I must trust him. I must leave all my burdens at the altar and have faith that he will see me through and bless me with my expected end.

A while ago I bought dh a Chapter by Chapter Commentary of the Bible by Warren Wiersbe. I recently looked up this scripture and this is what the author had to say;

"Be still means take your hands off and relax. God knows what he is doing, and his timing is always perfect. When it is all over, he will be exhalted, and you will be blessed" (Wiersbe, 1991).

Wow. Though I may not understand it now, his word promises that he will take charge of every situation and work it out for my good. After all, he did say he is not a God that he should lie, nor is he the author of confusion.
So today lord, I am taking my hands off of it and relaxing. I know that you are in control, and when your perfect will is done, you will be more exhalted that you are now. I praise you and I thank you now for being you and for your many blessings that are here and those that are coming. You desire only to give me what is good and right, and everything you do only exhalts you more.
Whatever worries we have or disappointments we face, God is telling us I am still here and able to do exceedingly, abundantly, more than we can ever ask or think. Yes, we will have our bad days, but we must remember to be still and KNOW that he is God.

I don't profess to be the perfect person or christian, but I know that I serve a God that will never put more on me that I can withstand. He knew what he was doing when he called my little girl home, and in due time, I will see her again, and until that time, she will be watching down on her parents and her future brothers and sisters. It is beacause of her that I am now the way I am. It is beacuse of her that her future siblings will have a fighting chance. It is because of her that my marriage and family ralationships are better. It is because of her that I am a louder advocate for my health care. It is beacuse of her, I strive to ensure that other women do not meet the same fate. Thank you Alyssa-Joy Katherine Wise, for choosing me to be your mommy, and for teaching me these lessons. I love you and miss you. Not a day goes by that your beautiful face does not float across my mind. I look forward to the day I see you again.

Awaiting my expected end.

Tidbits

I have been having these weird headaches lately. I am more aware of every twinge since losing my baby. I finally went to see the doctor. Would you believe that I have a really bad sinus infection???? I have never in my life had sinus problems, and now I will be on antibiotics and saline drips for the next two weeks. Will it ever end?????

Dh and I had a fight last night (yes, we do have those ;-0). Believe it or not it was trivial. After we lost AJ, I did not feel the need to dress up anymore. I find it a pain to spend hours in front of the closet looking for something to wear or spending unnecessary time beautifying myself. I guess this is one of the things men don't understand. Anyway, he stated that I have been slacking and and am starting to not look like the person he married. I was offended! Therefore, I snapped back. I love my hubby, but after going through such an ordeal, I tend to focus not so much on the unimportant things, but look forward to enjoying every second of my day doing something constructive. 

Okay. I just had to  get that out of my system. Last night, I woke up in tears after having the weirdest dream. If you can recall, my AP is having a baby and is due a week before I was. She is currently 36 weeks and could really pop any day. Seeing her makes me sad, so I avoid her as much as possible (which is difficult as we serve on most of the same committees together). I often find myself staring at her bump and immediately get sad. I digress. I dreamt that she was holding her new born baby, but the baby was Alyssa-Joy. I kept saying, "I don't want to see her and the baby" and tried to get away as fast as I could. What was so odd, was that every single time I went back to sleep, I had the same dream. Still today I cannot shake the dream. I have no clue what it means so if someone can help me out, I would really appreciate it.

Lately, I have become engrossed in the blog world, mostly searching for women who have gone through the same things that I have experienced. I have learned this - there are MANY! I was searching to see how they handled it and how their lives are today. I have since learnt that the pain never goes away. It may lessen, but never leaves. 

Knowing that I will have a lifetime to feel this way, I am expressing thanks to my savior for the short experience I had with my baby. I will  never forget how she was a blessing to both dh and me.

1. I am thankful that I have a perfect child. Technically she was not born, so she was not "born in sin".

2. I am thankful for the 20 weeks I had with her.

3. I am thankful for the kicks and punches that I felt. I did not like them then, but now I miss them.

4. I am even thankful for the morning sickness. It reassured me that there was life inside me.

5. I am thankful that the experience brought her daddy and I closer together.

6. I am thankful. Because of her, I am more compassionate, loving, and patient.

So even though her precious life was short, she changed me in many ways. The scripture says, "in all things give thanks". Lord, I thank you. Trails only come to make me stronger and ultimately I know I will have a testimony to share with others who are willing to hear.

Afflictions

Psalm 34: 19 states, 'Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the Lord delivereth him out of them all".  I must say I am feeling much better today. This scripture reminds me of the goodness of God and the many blessings he gives and desires to give us. 

In the blog world, I have met many women who seem to have experienced some devastating things. From the loss of a spouse while pregnant, to the loss of multiple children. If I could say anything to give them hope, it would be this scripture as it gives me hope. Job himself went through much suffering and pain before he received his blessing. Through it all he refused to curse God, but praised him in the valley. If Job could do this.... by golly so can I. Job lost his wife, servants, cattle, and his most prized possessions; his children. Not just one, but MANY! This would be enough to drive me straight into the arms of a strait jacket!

But again the afflictions are many, but in the end, the Lord delivers us out of them all. So though  may be feeling down, I must have faith and know that GOD will deliver me out of them all. His desire is to see us prosper and he promised that he will not withhold anything good from his people. Though is seems rough right now, I must remember that my mountaintop experience is right around the corner.

James 5:16 also states, "The effectual fervent prayer of the righteous man availeth much". I must remind myself that when I feel down, I must just stop and pray. Tears are a language that he understands and he wants to comfort me. He wants to send me peace, but only if I turn to him and lean not on my own understanding. Prayer can and will change all things.

Again, I must say I have an awesome hubby. God sent me a kind and praying man that loves me with an agape love. While making dinner last night, he came up behind me and hugged me. He then whispered that he misses the baby. We both stood in front of the hot stove and cried. When we were done we felt a sense of relief. He was able to verbalize what I had been feeling over the past few days. Once again I am reminded that I have so much to be thankful for. Who am I to be blessed with such an awesome guy??? A child of God, because he desires only good for his people.

Once again, Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivereth them out of them all.

Still awaiting my expected end.

Useless..

Ever felt useless???? I have never in my life had low self-esteem. In fact, I have always considered myself to be a confident person. I love the Lord with all my heart and try to do his will daily. I do not profess to be the greatest christian as I recognize that we all have sinned and come short of his glory. Knowing this, I know it is never his will for us to feel this way. I know I should not blame him, but trust him, and always look up as my redemption draweth nigh.

However, the human side of me cannot help but feel this way. I know I am probably feeling sorry for myself,  but sometimes I need to in order to move on. It is good to recognize and validate how we are feeling as this is part of the healing process. 

I feel absolutely USELESS, and can't help but feeling as if I am damaged goods. The one this that we take for granted and feel that every woman can do is to have babies. I can't even do this right. Af came 2 days early last night! I had no af symptoms, and am now questioning myself. My cycle seems to be dwindling - 28 days, 26 days, and now 24 days. What's going to eventually happen????? None at all????????

The word states to be fruitful and multiply. Heck, I got the fruitful part down, but for some reason I can't multiply. My dh wants children so bad, and if I know I would have a hard time, I truly would not have married. This is one thing that he so desperately wants, and I cannot seem to give it to him. What's  a girl to do?? Every time I get a negative, I feel extra worse for him.

This was it for us. No more trying for the rest of the year, that means no 2009 baby for us. This is so because with the economy the way it is, I cannot risk taking time off from my job as they will surplus me. Plus the school board is crappy with disability and insurance. If you take disability, they only cover your insurance for 60 school days, after that they drop you. I cannot afford to take this risk.

I simply feel horrible. I see everyone around me getting pregnant (trust me, I don't begrudge them of their happiness, I just wish it could be me). When I see them, its as if I cannot get away fast enough! It now makes me uncomfortable to be around them. We had a baby shower at work this week, and I did not even go. It is that painful. I sat in my room and bawled.

I am starting to think that maybe having babies is not for everyone, and I may be in that category. I must suck it up and move on. But as someone who loves kids, I cannot accept this! I cannot imagine my life without a child? How can I not give my husband a child??? What if there is a possibility that I will be childless??? I refuse to accept it!

I do not want to feel this way! I hate feeling sorry for myself. It is days like these that I find myself starting to ask why, but I will not let the devil control my mind. I know everything works together for good, but how good is this? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Thanks for hearing me rant.

Still awaiting my expected end - where ever it is.

The things that people say....

I know I am not alone. I hear it all the time about losing a child. People find it amazing that we named our baby - they can't believe that we consider her a person. Yes - she was a person and will always be our firstborn.

Here goes,

1. It was God's will (no one knows this better than I, but please don't tell me that. I don't want to hear it).

2. You're young, you can have more.

3. It's a good thing it happened now and not later after you became attached (HELLOO!!!!! We were already attached. After all she was living, breathing, and moving inside me).

4. Thank God, something could have been wrong with her .( All testing came back negative. She was a perfect baby).

5. You were not ready anyway. (Who are you to be the judge of that? I own my own home, have a decent job,.... need I go on?)

6. It was not meant to be. (If thats the case, then what is?)

7. It could have been worse. (What could be worse than this?)

8. It was too early in your marriage. (Who cares when we have love overflowing to give?)

There are tons more that I can add, but it will just rile me even more.

2ww - CD 23

----------------------------

I am still in the 2 week wait. Technically I can test tomorrow, but I choose not to. AF is supposed to show her ugly face on Friday. Again, I must say I am not optimistic. I got my hopes up last time, only to have it dashed away and ended up crying.  I even had dh hide the hpt's I have at home, just so I won't be tempted to test. I figured, I will let AF be my indicator. I am just scared and nervous that she will show. Did I say I hate the 2ww?

Church

--------------------------

Church yesterday was awesome. As usual, there is always a message that fills my heart with hope. My prayer today is part of a well-know prayer.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His will,

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen

         - Reinhold Niebuhr

Be blessed. Awaiting my expected end.