Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Barrage of emotions

Hello ladies!

Has it really been two weeks since my last post? Good grief! I have deliberately been laying low these past few weeks though. Thanksgiving was tough, Alyssa-Joy's birthday and angelversary, Evan's birthday coming up, and the approach of the gestations when I gave birth has really gotten me down in the dumps. I have been ridden with anxiety lately. E-X-T-R-E-M-E anxiety. So much that I find myself crying at odd times throughout the day. Thank heavens for my students! They keep the most of the tears at bay. I am currently experiencing a barrage of emotions and I am a mess!

Sadness - I am sad to celebrate another holiday childless. I am sad that we had to light a candle in remembrance instead of lighting a candle on a birthday cake. I am sad to be known as a BLM.

Anxiety - I am really anxious these days! I am currently 18 weeks, 2 days and I am fearing the unknown.

Fear - Every twinge I feel - I ask myself "is this it?". I know I have the TAC, but the fear is still there.

Guilt - I feel guilty as well (does that make any sense?). I ask myself, "why me?". There are so many others so much more deserving than me who should be experiencing another pregnancy.
Many who are still struggling to conceive, dealing with the memory of fresh losses, recurrent miscarriage, and so on. Every day that I am still upright, I praise God, but cannot believe that I will make it through this pregnancy unscathed. My cervix continues to stay stable and above 3.5 (at least from the last appointment) and I am still working.

Happiness - I am happy to be expecting again and pray that this results in a rainbow.

There are so many more emotions that I am experiencing right now, but worry is the main one. I worry about EVERYTHING! In fact, I have another cervical length check today and I am worried about that! I find myself asking "what if?". Hubby says I worry too much and everything will turn out fine, and my come back to that is "I don't think you understand how I feel!"

I have made the painstaking and final decision to tie my tubes at the end of this pregnancy. Mentally, I cannot go through another pregnancy and have begun the process of getting all the paperwork in order. Do you know that at 26 they hesitate to tie your tubes? That I have to get a mental health evaluation and prove that I am of sound mind? Amazing.

Please keep us in prayer that at today's appointment, my cervix is stable, long, strong, and above 3.5 cm.

Awaiting my expected end


  1. Such a roller-coaster of emotions - I've felt them all! Praying for you and hoping the appointment goes well today! xoxo

  2. Hey, I absolutely plan on being anxious and a basket case as I approach the gestational age where I lost Adrian, 20 weeks. TAC or no TAC, anxiety is not logical.
    I think the decision to tie your tubes is something that you needed to make now in order to get you through this extremely unpleasant anxiety ridden time. As you approach 30 weeks, and feel safer, you will most likely reconsider, at least a little bit.

  3. My question is, why not you? You deserve this rainbow baby just as much as any other blm! You're a fantastic mommy to Evan and Alyssa-Joy and this little rainbow is going to be so blessed to have you as their mommy!

    26 is young to tie your tubes but I would understand considering all that you have been through...who knows, you may change your mind as you approach delivery time or you may not...only you know how you truly feel about this decision...

    Always praying for you!

  4. I am praying for you! I know the anxiety is tough. I have been anxious through most of this pregnancy. It is not something that you can really control, it is just there. Praying for your appt. today! I just know it will go well!


  6. Hi Marie! Sorry, I just got your comment on my post. I am 33 weeks this week. Please believe for the impossible to happen in your pregnancy. I'm believe for God to work all miracles for you. ((((BIG HUGS))))

  7. Prayers are coming your way! Anxiety is very understandable. I had to give it to God moment by moment some days. I am believing God to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think! (Eph 3:20)

  8. My heart goes out to you.I'm a BLM who is 23 weeks pregnant and I'm in constant fear of something going wrong with this pregnancy. My heart goes to you and I will pray for a healthy pregnancy and peace of mind..... Pray for me.

    With love,

  9. Hugs! I'm a mess of emotions, too. It's so hard to find that balance. I pray that your continued appointments bring nothing but good news! :)

  10. big hugs to you....I have been thinking about you so much lately, I guess, in some way I knew you had "a lot going on"
    Know that you are loved and prayed for and at this time my prayers go up and out to you.

  11. Just want to send you love. Don't feel guilty, this is your blessing on Gods timing (meaning the perfect time for you) Those of us that are still waiting will get our turn (just pray our patience lol) but do not feel guilty for this beautiful blessing. But do tell when you find out what you are having ;O) Love you!

  12. I have no doubt this journey is full of so many emotions for you. Let me tell you though, you are very deserving!! ♥