Has it really been two weeks since my last post? Good grief! I have deliberately been laying low these past few weeks though. Thanksgiving was tough, Alyssa-Joy's birthday and angelversary, Evan's birthday coming up, and the approach of the gestations when I gave birth has really gotten me down in the dumps. I have been ridden with anxiety lately. E-X-T-R-E-M-E anxiety. So much that I find myself crying at odd times throughout the day. Thank heavens for my students! They keep the most of the tears at bay. I am currently experiencing a barrage of emotions and I am a mess!
Sadness - I am sad to celebrate another holiday childless. I am sad that we had to light a candle in remembrance instead of lighting a candle on a birthday cake. I am sad to be known as a BLM.
Anxiety - I am really anxious these days! I am currently 18 weeks, 2 days and I am fearing the unknown.
Fear - Every twinge I feel - I ask myself "is this it?". I know I have the TAC, but the fear is still there.
Guilt - I feel guilty as well (does that make any sense?). I ask myself, "why me?". There are so many others so much more deserving than me who should be experiencing another pregnancy.
Many who are still struggling to conceive, dealing with the memory of fresh losses, recurrent miscarriage, and so on. Every day that I am still upright, I praise God, but cannot believe that I will make it through this pregnancy unscathed. My cervix continues to stay stable and above 3.5 (at least from the last appointment) and I am still working.
Happiness - I am happy to be expecting again and pray that this results in a rainbow.
There are so many more emotions that I am experiencing right now, but worry is the main one. I worry about EVERYTHING! In fact, I have another cervical length check today and I am worried about that! I find myself asking "what if?". Hubby says I worry too much and everything will turn out fine, and my come back to that is "I don't think you understand how I feel!"
I have made the painstaking and final decision to tie my tubes at the end of this pregnancy. Mentally, I cannot go through another pregnancy and have begun the process of getting all the paperwork in order. Do you know that at 26 they hesitate to tie your tubes? That I have to get a mental health evaluation and prove that I am of sound mind? Amazing.
Please keep us in prayer that at today's appointment, my cervix is stable, long, strong, and above 3.5 cm.
Awaiting my expected end