So Much......

I have so much to be thankful for on this day. I thank our Savior everyday, but on this day of thanksgiving, I am overwhelmed.

I am thankful for my husband. We have our ups and downs and are by no means perfect, but we work hard to understand each other, we respect each other and we love each other.

I am thankful for my family. My stepmom, dad, sisters, and brother are my life. As opinionated as they are, they are always there loving me, supporting me.

I am thankful for my angels. Alyssa-Joy and Evan have taught me unconditional love. They have made me a better person, wife, daughter, sister, teacher, friend.

I am thankful for jobs. Yup! You read that right! We BOTH have jobs. Praise God!

I am thankful for my savior and his provisions. Hubby had been unemployed for 8 months, but God provided in unmeasurable ways. We were never without want.

I am thankful for a super long cervix. At my appointment yesterday, my cervix measured 3.58 cm. It was long, curved and closed tight. At this gestation last year, 16 weeks, I was on bedrest completely funneled to the stitch. God is indeed good.

I am thankful for the struggles I have had in life. The good and the bad has defined who I am today.

I am thankful for all of you. My IC sisters, my ABBY sisters, and my blog sisters. Thank you for your many prayers, well wishes, good thoughts, and constant support. I could not have walked this journey without all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving! May your day be filled with joy, bittersweet happiness, may it be uneventful, and may peace reside in your hearts.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Please send some love to Mattie....

I logged on to face book this morning and my heart sank. Please stop by and send Mattie some love. Her rainbow baby went back to be with our Savior in front of their eyes yesterday afternoon. She is being induced today. In September 2009 she lost her little girl Shyla Joy and now Jakin has left to be with his sister. God healed his heart, just not the way we wanted.

Let us flood her with some love.

Thank you so very much.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Shocked, blessed, thankful.......

I am sitting on my lunch break eating a delicious Thanksgiving meal that our Social Committee provided. While giving thanks, how appropriate that something awesome should happen when I least expect it. I am even now more convinced that God knows the desires of our hearts and makes a way before we even know about it.

I got a phone call from an unknown number. Usually, if I don't recognize a number I let it go to voicemail. If they don't leave a message then obviously the call was not important. I let this call go to voicemail and listened to the message that was left.

Lo and behold it was a message from my insurance company asking me to call them. I called the number that was given and spoke to Rose.lyn. Rose.lyn is the OB Nurse Coordinator. These individuals (to my knowledge) almost never deal with clients. Ladies, what she said was shock and a blessing which left me thankful - hence the title of this post.

After she verified my information, she stated who she was and the first thing she said was that she was personally taking on my case. She said she reviewed my history and felt compelled to be my personal case manager. She expressed her condolences for my losses and stated that she is prepared to do everything in her power to "not let me have another 20 week delivery". She stated that she will personally work with my OB and the MFM to coordinate the best possible care. She asked if I was on bedrest and I told her no. I had surgery in April to decrease the likelihood of that happening. She said "good girl - great planning". I let her know that this pregnancy was actually a surprise and her response was "God bless you". She said that if there was any possibility of me going on bedrest, she will work with my employers to get me the best short term disability they have to offer (with sufficient payment). She has worked with the school board before and know how they operate so if the need arises, there should be no roadblocks. If necessary, she will also find someone to come to my house to cook and clean and they will cover the cost if no one is available to help me.

I told her about my P17 shots that I am supposed to be getting next week and she said that she will write up the authorization immediately so that when I get to my OB's office for my appointment next week, they will have to go through no red tape. She gave me her office and cell phone number and told me to call her anytime if I have any concerns or questions. She reiterated that she will not let me have another 20 week delivery without putting up a fight, and reminded me to eat lots of fruits and vegetables to ward off constipation, to drink oodles of water to ward off contractions and UTI's as these increase the chances for premature contractions.

A Matria Nurse is available to come to the house to administer the p17 shots or I can arrange with my OB to have the shots done at his office. Whatever we decide I should let her know.

Let me tell you, I got off the phone crying into my turkey dish. How good is my God? Is this even customary for an insurance company to do this? This call was not expected and you can imagine my shock when I spoke to her. I am so thankful. I am praising God right now for his blessings and provisions over our lives. I am thanking him for placing this on the heart of this lady. I am thanking him for the seen and unseen. I am thanking him for continually thinking of us and blessing us when we least expect him and even when we have doubt in our hearts.

Right now I am looking at a verse of scripture I have posted in my classroom : For ALL the promises of God are yea, and in him amen, unto the glory of God by us - II Corinthians 1:20.

Thank you ladies for continually keeping us in prayer. I know that there are strength in numbers, and where two or three are gathered together, he ALWAYS shows up and makes provisions.

God is indeed good!

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working),

Marie

Hey gang! Thanks so much for the comments and well wishes. I have decided to speak to Larry, write my sister a letter (I am too coward to do it in person) to let them know exactly how I feel.

Today I am 15 weeks 3 days. It is at 15 weeks 6 days that I started having cervical changes with Evan and went on bedrest. My next appointment is not until 16 weeks, 2 days (MFM) and 16 weeks 3 days (OB). I will be calling my OB to see if we can move the appointment up or even push it back since it makes no sense to have appointments back to back. I am also scheduled to get my first P17 shot next week. Definitely not looking forward to that! We will also find out the gender next week.... well Larry will, I wont. Yes, I am still deciding to not find out until about 25 weeks, maybe even later.

I feel great, have had no discharge (knock on wood and praise God! - discharge for me is the enemy), no pressure, no nothing, I have not felt any kicks yet though and I usually start feeling them by week 14.

I was speaking to a friend the other day and I made a comment that I was treating the TAC like a TVC, and it occurred to me that I actually am! The TAC is no comparison to the TVC and since realizing that I have relaxed just a tad bit (just a tad).

A new bloggie friend asked the following question that got me thinking.

"Marie, Is it possible, even for a second, to not be afraid? after all we have been through? And despite being afraid, can we still not enjoy the pregnancy?" Is it possible? I think for me it will become enjoyable once I pass my critical weeks (16-21) and then once viability hits (even though it really isn't viability because 50/50 doesn't mean much) I will enjoy it even more. For me the fear comes from the unknown and I joke about the fact that I wish they sold ultrasound machines for the home so I can monitor myself. Thats the best answer I can come up with. Does anyone have a better answer? There are times throughout the day I find myself not afraid and I am optimistic about the future. Do I think I will bring this baby home? Absolutely! I refuse to believe I won't. Is it going to be easy holding on to that hope? Nope. But I have already made up my mind that for each milestone, a large purchase will be made.

My first purchase for hitting 16 weeks will be this.

Thanks for continuing to keep us in prayer.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Caught in the Middle

Remember this incident? Well, for the past few months none of them (my husband, my sister, my step-mom) have been speaking to each other. My sister stated quite strongly that day that she will never come by my house again, and she has not since June. My step-mom is not one to hold a grudge and will love you regardless, but my husband feels out of place with the family. Part of it stems from his own insecurity and embarrassment about the situation, the fact that we have moved on and my sister still won't speak to him, and the fact that he does not want to feel uncomfortable around my sister.

Let me add, that I did not initially bring them into the situation. My husband did when he called my oldest sister that day. I would have been content leaving the situation in our house. After he called my oldest sister, it all spiraled out of control and the entire family got involved.

I sort of feel stuck in the middle. I love my husband despite his faults, and we have been through extensive counseling. I have seen where my actions could have escalated the problems we were having, and he has seen where his actions have escalated the problems we were having.

We have always been close to my family, until that "event". Now, he does not go over to their house, he no longer calls my step-mom to chat, nothing that he used to do.

The holidays are coming up (which I hate and are already hard) and we usually spend the holidays with my family. Last week he said he is not spending Thanksgiving with my family, he is staying home. I do not want to spend Thanksgiving with my family by myself while my husband stays home. So my only option is to stay home too. Who wants to spend Thanksgiving alone? If I go to my family, I will have to say why he is not there and I will feel miserable knowing he is home alone. Which leaves me with the decision to stay home as well. I will not spend the day with friends because I feel that is a time for family, especially since its around the time we lost Alyssa-Joy.

Once my sister makes up her mind that she does not like someone and will no longer speak to them, she sticks to it. I have always wanted a marriage where my spouse was close to my family, but now that does not seem to be the case. If they cannot get along now, what will happen when the baby gets here?

My sister has made snide comments of late, so I kind of avoid mentioning Larry when I am speaking to her. I do not want this kind of relationship and I am caught in the middle. I feel that right now my loyalty lies with my husband. I have been praying about it and asking God for direction, but I am still stuck.

Sorry for the rambling, but has anyone been in this situation or have any advice to offer? What do I do for the Holidays? How do I "fix" this situation (because, you know I like to fix things)? I don't want a life where no one in my family gets along, and I especially don't want my child to grow up in a situation like this.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Warnings?

There is a popular scripture that says (not a direct quote) "warning comes before destruction". As I was laying in bed last night thinking about AJ and Evan, this saying popped up in my mind. Did I really receive a warning before giving birth to them?

I went back to when I was pregnant with AJ, a few weeks before I went into labor. My older sister had a dream about my mom. Keep in mind that our mom died 18 years ago at the time. She dreamt that my mom was alive and looked us up. While having a conversation with our mom she found out that our mother had another child, a daughter we knew nothing about. The odd thing was she kept speaking of the daughter in future tense. She kept saying. "she will be with me and I will love her". She kept saying how we won't know who she is and so on. At the time I thought, "oh. She is going to watch over Alyssa-Joy". Now thinking back, I find it strange that future tense was used and not past or present tense. Was that a warning? Was our mom trying to tell us something? Was she trying to prepare me for what was to come and I missed the meaning? Did I miss the warning?

When I was pregnant with Evan and on bedrest, about a week before it all went to hell, I was jerked out of sleep by the fire alarm screeching. With my heart in my throat I waddled as carefully as I could to see where the fire was. There was no fire anywhere. I opened my front door, looked around, nothing. A few minutes later the alarm stopped on its own. Needless, to say, it too a while for my heart to stop racing. Was this a warning? Was this a sign of things to come and I missed it or totally ignored it?

As confident as I am trying (forcing myself) to be this time around, I am self-consciously looking for a warning that things might go wrong. I cannot relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I cannot let my guard down and hope. I say that I trust God in one breath and in the next breath I worry. We have the opportunity to find out the gender in a few weeks, and I told hubby I don't want to know. He can find out and when I get to viability, he can tell me. Is that bad?

I sooo want to enjoy this pregnancy. I sooo want to show off my baby bump, but I am afraid of the judgements, the "oh it will be okay", the fear that if the worst happens I will have to explain to others and relive it again and again and again and again.

I stood in my house last night and rebuked the fear. Rebuked the thoughts. I made a conscious decision to *try* and enjoy it. To *try* and think of a positive future. To think that there will be no warnings because it will all turn out ok. I am praying, hoping, pleading, claiming, declaring, that ALL IS WELL and ALL WILL BE WELL.

Awaiting my expected end (awesome c/l and still working)

Marie

Update

Hello gang!

Thanks so much for your supportive comments. Obviously, we weren't ready for family to know about this pregnancy just yet, especially since we are still getting used to the idea ourselves :-).

I have so many unpublished posts, but I want to update you all about my appointments first.

Since we last spoke (if one can call it that), I have had 2 appointments. We had our first appointment with the MFM two Fridays ago (10/29). Can I tell you I was a nervous wreck! I was so nervous I was shaking -literally, clammy hands and all, heart racing a mile a minute. The tech did the standard NT measurement (normal a 12.5/13/3 - hank you Jesus!), took some shots of the little one, and had then had me strip from the waist down (dildo time!). Dr. R. then came in and asked questions regarding who did my TAC and so on. I was then able to ask whatever questions I had as well. The questions I asked were:

1.) How many TAC patients have you seen?

2.) How often will I be seen?

3.) Is Betamethasone shots going to be given at 24 weeks?

4.) What is your opinion regarding modified or full bedrest this pregnancy?

5.) How do you measure the cervix with TAC patients? Do you usually include the lower uterine segment which is contracted during the first trimester?

6.) To the u/s tech - Will you always be the one doing my c/l measurements?

In a nutshell, his response to the questions were, he has treated quite a few TAC patients and they have never done bedrest so he does not anticipate that I will be on bedrest, plus a TAC hold the cervix closed. If I am worried we will take it one appointment at a time. In regards to the steroid shots for the baby's lungs, it all depends on how we progress. The same protocol is used when measuring non TAC patients. He agrees with my OB's about starting the P17 shots at 16 weeks.

After this conversation, he then uttered the dreaded words, "let's take a look a his cervix". I immediately covered my eyes and remarked that my cervix and I have a love/hate relationship. ha! I did not remove my hands from my eyes until he said "good".

Now, keep in mind, my cervix measured 3.4 cm on October 24th (8 + weeks). At this appointment, it measured............................................................... ready for this?.............................................................. 3.62 cm (12 wks, 5 days) !!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup! The doggone cervix grew! Now, this may not seem much of a difference to you, but last pregnancy, my c/l measured 4.1 cm at 10 weeks, and by 12 weeks, 5 days I was measuring only 3.5 cm. I consider this a dramatic improvement! I left the appointment with a smile on my face, praising God and more confident than ever! Praise Jesus! I see the MFM again on November 23rd.

My next appointment with my OB was pretty short (11/05). I have only gained 3 pounds so far (yay!) I showed him the note from the MFM which said my c/l was 3.3 - confused but will follow up with the MFM when we see him again. Dr. C. said he probably made a mistake. We will see because I had Dr. R. repeat my c/l several times and he said it measured 3.62 cm. I am sticking with that report especially since I wrote it down.

Dr. C. then asked the next dreaded question, "what did Dr. R. say about you not working?" I quickly told him what he said. My OB is very conservative and is quick to put me on bedrest. I reminded him that the TAC should limit the need for bedrest and there is no way I went through major surgery only to end up on bedrest when my c/l is good! If it changes, sure, but I am not anticipating much change.

So, both positive appointments so far. I am taking it easy though. I come home and I am down for the rest of the night and stay down all weekend.

Thank you so much for your prayers, well wishes and good thoughts!

On another note, another blm and one of my dearest friends recently started a blog. Please stop by and leave Tonya some love!

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!)

Marie

WELCOME Family!

Hello gang!

I know its been a while, but I have a good reason. :-). I want to first say WELCOME to my family members that have found this blog. Yes, my family has found my blog, and yes I am pretty sure. How do I know? The stats button is a wonderful thing! Am I happy you are here? No. Am I happy you are reading my most intimate thoughts? No. Am I happy that I can no longer maintain a level of anonymity? No. But seeing that this blog is a public record, I have no choice but to allow you to keep reading.

So welcome. One request though, whatever you read here, please let it stay here. Now that you have knowledge of this pregnancy, please continue to pretend that you have no knowledge of it and please no opinions or judgements are needed.

I did consider abandoning ship, changing the blog address, going private, and many of the other options that are available, (and blogger does not allow password protected posts ), but as I said when I first started this blog, that if any thing good comes out of my experiences, is that I am able to help someone else. If I chose any of these options, then I am limiting the effect my experiences, my faith, and AJ's and Evan's life will have on others.

I will keep blogging about this pregnancy, my struggles, my fears, my moments of enlightenment because this is my online diary and chronicle of my life. So what ever is read here, please leave it here.

I always had my suspicions, but my suspicions were confirmed a few weeks ago. I deliberately did not blog, because I did not know what route I would take. I felt sort of violated and panicked for an instant, until I spoke to my friend Fawzia (thanks Fawzia!).

So again, WELCOME.

Has anyone else found out that their families discovered their blogs? How did you feel? What was your reaction? How did you handle it?

Awaiting my expected end.