I went back to when I was pregnant with AJ, a few weeks before I went into labor. My older sister had a dream about my mom. Keep in mind that our mom died 18 years ago at the time. She dreamt that my mom was alive and looked us up. While having a conversation with our mom she found out that our mother had another child, a daughter we knew nothing about. The odd thing was she kept speaking of the daughter in future tense. She kept saying. "she will be with me and I will love her". She kept saying how we won't know who she is and so on. At the time I thought, "oh. She is going to watch over Alyssa-Joy". Now thinking back, I find it strange that future tense was used and not past or present tense. Was that a warning? Was our mom trying to tell us something? Was she trying to prepare me for what was to come and I missed the meaning? Did I miss the warning?
When I was pregnant with Evan and on bedrest, about a week before it all went to hell, I was jerked out of sleep by the fire alarm screeching. With my heart in my throat I waddled as carefully as I could to see where the fire was. There was no fire anywhere. I opened my front door, looked around, nothing. A few minutes later the alarm stopped on its own. Needless, to say, it too a while for my heart to stop racing. Was this a warning? Was this a sign of things to come and I missed it or totally ignored it?
As confident as I am trying (forcing myself) to be this time around, I am self-consciously looking for a warning that things might go wrong. I cannot relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I cannot let my guard down and hope. I say that I trust God in one breath and in the next breath I worry. We have the opportunity to find out the gender in a few weeks, and I told hubby I don't want to know. He can find out and when I get to viability, he can tell me. Is that bad?
I sooo want to enjoy this pregnancy. I sooo want to show off my baby bump, but I am afraid of the judgements, the "oh it will be okay", the fear that if the worst happens I will have to explain to others and relive it again and again and again and again.
I stood in my house last night and rebuked the fear. Rebuked the thoughts. I made a conscious decision to *try* and enjoy it. To *try* and think of a positive future. To think that there will be no warnings because it will all turn out ok. I am praying, hoping, pleading, claiming, declaring, that ALL IS WELL and ALL WILL BE WELL.
Awaiting my expected end (awesome c/l and still working)