I went back to when I was pregnant with AJ, a few weeks before I went into labor. My older sister had a dream about my mom. Keep in mind that our mom died 18 years ago at the time. She dreamt that my mom was alive and looked us up. While having a conversation with our mom she found out that our mother had another child, a daughter we knew nothing about. The odd thing was she kept speaking of the daughter in future tense. She kept saying. "she will be with me and I will love her". She kept saying how we won't know who she is and so on. At the time I thought, "oh. She is going to watch over Alyssa-Joy". Now thinking back, I find it strange that future tense was used and not past or present tense. Was that a warning? Was our mom trying to tell us something? Was she trying to prepare me for what was to come and I missed the meaning? Did I miss the warning?
When I was pregnant with Evan and on bedrest, about a week before it all went to hell, I was jerked out of sleep by the fire alarm screeching. With my heart in my throat I waddled as carefully as I could to see where the fire was. There was no fire anywhere. I opened my front door, looked around, nothing. A few minutes later the alarm stopped on its own. Needless, to say, it too a while for my heart to stop racing. Was this a warning? Was this a sign of things to come and I missed it or totally ignored it?
As confident as I am trying (forcing myself) to be this time around, I am self-consciously looking for a warning that things might go wrong. I cannot relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I cannot let my guard down and hope. I say that I trust God in one breath and in the next breath I worry. We have the opportunity to find out the gender in a few weeks, and I told hubby I don't want to know. He can find out and when I get to viability, he can tell me. Is that bad?
I sooo want to enjoy this pregnancy. I sooo want to show off my baby bump, but I am afraid of the judgements, the "oh it will be okay", the fear that if the worst happens I will have to explain to others and relive it again and again and again and again.
I stood in my house last night and rebuked the fear. Rebuked the thoughts. I made a conscious decision to *try* and enjoy it. To *try* and think of a positive future. To think that there will be no warnings because it will all turn out ok. I am praying, hoping, pleading, claiming, declaring, that ALL IS WELL and ALL WILL BE WELL.
Awaiting my expected end (awesome c/l and still working)
Marie
No matter how many safe guards you put in place it seems as if we all go through this stage of panic and waiting for the other shoe to drop early on in these pregnancies. You are definitely not alone. Pregnancy after loss is so hard. Know I am thinking of you and praying for peace. *hugs* You will find yourself doing better as the pregnancy progresses. Be good to yourself and the comfort will come :)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to "trying" to enjoy this new journey. Daily, I tell myself "this baby deserves its Mommy to enjoy him/her, to celebrate this miracle" I'll be honest, some days are easier than others, but we keep on keeping on!
ReplyDeleteMany Prayers to you Marie,
xxx
Marie, I know I don't have to tell you this, and I say it to say it to myself and anyone else reading who is in it, but FEAR is from satan!!! "God did NOT give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind". 2Tim 1:7. Remember that, cling to that and when the fear comes rebuke it in Jesus' name and the devil will have no choice but to flee!!!! I'm praying peace and calm over you and all of the expectant mommies who have lived through loss!!!
ReplyDeletePraying for you mama! I know how you feel. Even though we have had two very positive u/s, I am still scared of the million other slim chances that we KNOW can be us. We just have to pray for peace and "Be still and know". Hugs
ReplyDeleteIt is almost like we look for those warning signs to have somehow have better prepared us for what was to come...it is hard not to think about the what if's.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking about you and keeping track of how you are doing...we both can and will get there...keep your head up and allow yourself to think positive thoughts!
Wow Marie, I just thought back and I realized that I had 3 warnings too and instead of rebuking the fear, I allowed it to creep in and cause doubt. I think the thing to do is stand against the fear and keep standing on the Word just like you are doing. God's Word will not return to him void.
ReplyDeleteGod's will reigns supreme, but even Jesus had fear, it is when it rules your life that the problem begins. Try to be at peace and all you can do is Praise God in this storm as well. Download some Casting Crowns. **hugs**
ReplyDeleteMarie, I know when you have had losses like yours that it is normal to worry. We will just continue to bombard Heaven with prayers of hope and love for this little one, that he/she will arrive safe & sound! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteMarie, Is it possible, even for a second, to not be afraid? after all we have been through? And despite being afraid, can we still not enjoy the pregnancy? you I mean, cause I'm not yet preggo
ReplyDeleteI read this on another BLM blog and I think it applies to you and me and anyone who is now pregnant after a loss :
ReplyDelete"We can be stressed or we can be blessed!" I choose to be blessed no matter what. Good luck I am sending you up in prayer and thank you for the nice post.
I'm not sure if we get warnings or not. I kinda felt looking back that God was trying to prepare me for what was ahead.
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