Thursday, July 8, 2010

July - How are you here already????

I cannot believe that it is already July. That means two things, summer is halfway done, and most importantly, it is a horrible reminder of the second time my heart crumbled into pieces. I lost it a few days ago. I cannot believe that Evan's 1st angelversary is fast approaching. July used to be a month I looked forward to simply because I was turning a year older and always celebrated my birthday in style. Now? I refuse to even mention that a birthday is coming up. I now have a love/hate relationship with this month. My birthday last year was horrid! I spent the day in the hospital after having a second emergency cerclage done, which of course ended up not working. I love getting the opportunity to cradle, stroke, kiss, and sing to my baby, but I hate knowing that he was born sleeping and the circumstances surrounding him being born so soon.
I find myself thinking what if I never developed an infection? What kind of baby would he be? What would we be doing right now? But I stop myself from going there because it is simply too painful.

I spent last Friday in a fetal position. To put it plainly, I bawled, howled, screamed, you name it, I did it. I am missing my babies so very much right now. I think of the unfairness of having experienced multiple traumatic losses and the process of grief that anyone who loses a child has to experience. It also does not help that I keep getting the crappy e-mail messages - "Hi! Your baby is 30 weeks old today!". Now matter how many times I unsubscribe, I still keep getting them! I am about to call the company and scream "my baby is dead!!!!" Stop sending me these e-mails!"

The reality of it being a year has also hit Larry. I see him cradling Evan's urn before I fall asleep. I see him staring at the horizon in deep thought, and just the other day I saw him kiss his urn and whisper, "I love you son." Let me tell you girls, my heart broke into pieces, knowing that I am the cause of his pain. My body failed his children, and the sad part? There was nothing I could do about it! I did everything the Dr.'s said to do and I still failed my children.
I know you will tell me it was not my fault, but my irrational mind cannot wrap itself around that fact. This body that I treasured, that I took care of, that I used to lovingly carry my children, simply gave way.

I am thinking of doing something special for Evan's angelversary. If you are led to do anything for my precious sweetheart on July 25th, please feel free to do so.

While I am battling this new wave of grief, my grief has intensified for my friends Shandrea and Deni. I am sure most of you have already heard that Shandrea gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Tristen Ryan, born too soon to survive, and sweet Deni is experiencing a failed adoption. Please join me in prayer for these sweet ladies who like all of you, have been a great source of support for me. Please pray that the Lord blankets them in love and that a peace that passes all understanding abides with them. Please pray that their expected end will be fulfilled soon.

I am reading a profoundly moving book titled Joshua by Joseph Girzone. In the next post, I will share with you a few words of wisdom the author penned. I was cleaning out my school closet (fellow teachers, you the one I am talking about! The one filled with books, paper,markers, crayons, lesson ideas, and so on. Yup! That one!) and stumbled across this book. I don' know how it got there or where it came from, but I sure needed the message that it had to deliver.

Please keep us in prayer, as I keep praying for you and taking your needs to our heavenly father.

Awaiting my expected end.


  1. Oh heart has been so heavy too....

    I'm so sorry this has been and will be a hard month. You will be lifted.

    John 16: 6, 20-22

    6 But because I have said these things unto you, sorrow hath filled your heart.
    • • •
    20 Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament, but the world shall rejoice: and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy.
    22 And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.

    You are right...we will all tell you that there is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened and that you were the amazing mother God created you to be. And we will tell you this because we do not want the enemy to delude you. You were fearfully and WONDERFULLY made...every part of your wonderful body was known by God before time began.

    I wish I had better things to say. I don't. I just know that you are favored in His eyes and did not fail anyone--and your Father loves you and does not want you for another second to feel guilt for anything.

    Much love!

  2. My heart is so heavy for you. Our little girl's angelversary was yesterday - it's so much harder than I expected, and it's not fair that you have to do it twice. Sending love to you.

  3. Oh sweet friend, my heart is heavy for you right now. I can not say it any better than Lori. YOU DID NOT FAIL!! You gave your babies a safe, warm home until the were born. You loved them better than anyone, save God. I do not think anything breaks my heart more than for my husband to show raw emotion and I think it is the same for you. But I can almost guarantee you that he does not for one second think you failed him. Many prayers tonight! My heart is also heavy for Shandrea and Deni. Sometimes I just want to scream enough already! How much can a soul take? I can tell you that through this, this blog community has been on their knees and that is where we will stay, as long as it takes. So many broken is almost overwhelming. I cry out to God tonight to ease the brokenness and offer strength.

  4. My prayers and thoughts are ALWAYS with heart breaks for you and your husband..and it broke when he said "I love you son" too...=*(

    THIS IS NOT FAIR to you to him to any of us...and for those who have experienced more than ONE loss is so one should know this pain even ONE time....It is very healthy to cry...tears are LIQUID have been through A LOT and added stress has not helped your healing either...know that I think of you often and our Alyssa's and Evan are dancing together....I wish they were HERE with us...but I feel safe they are with God. I pray that you DO get your expected END in every way heart is with you and your friends...xoxo

  5. It is so, so hard to not think of what if. My twins died because of pprom, which they think was caused by an infection, too. An infection. It's so hard to imagine that, isn't it?
    What you've been through is something no one should ever, ever have to go through.
    Thinking of you and your sweet, beautiful babies-I so, so wish they were here with you.

  6. Tears for you, from your heart-wrenching post.

    Wishing there were something I could do to help ease your pain. (And Larry's too.)

    Sending huge hugs and prayers your way!

  7. *tears* Angelversaries are so very hard. Know that I will be praying for you and Larry and lifting you both.

    I know that you feel as if you failed your children, but you did not. It's just that maternal instinct to protect your children at all costs, so I can say I understand why you feel as if you failed them. I get it. I understand. And, I wish that I could do something more to lift your heart.

    As for Shandrea and Deni....I cry for them and I also cry for you Marie. I remember finding your blog and sending Shandrea an email, as I felt that she could relate to you and maybe your story would show her that she was not alone in her struggle. I'm glad we all have eachother to walk this difficult journey with. Sending you love as we walk forward.

    And, honoring Evan...I feel certain he and Christian are holding hands in heaven :)

    Much Love,

  8. hi. i got your message on my blog the other day and I just really don't know how to respond. i know that all situations are completely different, and although we are all (baby lost momma's) somehow connected through our terrible heartaches, even we cannot truly understand the pain that we each feel. so, anyway, i wanted to thank you for the comment and give you my email. i have read (probably literally) hundreds of blogs written by lost momma's, and i've never felt such a connection as when i read yours. so, that being email is amanda at mattspiano . com and i'd love to hear from you. i like reading your blog b/c you have similar thoughts to my own...and though i hate it for us, it makes me feel more comfortable in writing about my sweet angel babies... thanks for sharing from your heart, and know that my husband and i are praying for you.

  9. Marie,

    Sending you lots of hugs and love right now. June and july will be bittersweets months for me. I went into the hospital on my husband and my 7yr anniversary (june 30) and tristen was gone july 3. Know that i am holding your hand in spirit and praying us all through these difficult times. sending you lots of love.

  10. Wrapping my arms around you with love!!!!!! Prayers for you and Larry.

  11. Sending prayers of peace & strength your way & that God blesses you with the desires of your heart.

  12. I know this is a tough time for you, marie! I wish I could just give you a great big hug! I think it's a great idea to do something special for Evan's Angelversary day... I know you will know what to do and it'll be an emotional day, but a perfect remembrance day as well!

    Always keeping you in close prayers and concern, my friend!

  13. While it does hurt to know that our bodies are partly to blame for their grief, we should never forget that they are to blame for their joy in fatherhood as well... I try to hold onto that thought with the pain becomes too much to bear.

  14. *hugs* I am not a fan of July. I am thinking of you and Evan this month Marie *huge hugs*