I cannot believe that it is already July. That means two things, summer is halfway done, and most importantly, it is a horrible reminder of the second time my heart crumbled into pieces. I lost it a few days ago. I cannot believe that Evan's 1st angelversary is fast approaching. July used to be a month I looked forward to simply because I was turning a year older and always celebrated my birthday in style. Now? I refuse to even mention that a birthday is coming up. I now have a love/hate relationship with this month. My birthday last year was horrid! I spent the day in the hospital after having a second emergency cerclage done, which of course ended up not working. I love getting the opportunity to cradle, stroke, kiss, and sing to my baby, but I hate knowing that he was born sleeping and the circumstances surrounding him being born so soon.
I find myself thinking what if I never developed an infection? What kind of baby would he be? What would we be doing right now? But I stop myself from going there because it is simply too painful.
I spent last Friday in a fetal position. To put it plainly, I bawled, howled, screamed, you name it, I did it. I am missing my babies so very much right now. I think of the unfairness of having experienced multiple traumatic losses and the process of grief that anyone who loses a child has to experience. It also does not help that I keep getting the crappy e-mail messages - "Hi! Your baby is 30 weeks old today!". Now matter how many times I unsubscribe, I still keep getting them! I am about to call the company and scream "my baby is dead!!!!" Stop sending me these e-mails!"
The reality of it being a year has also hit Larry. I see him cradling Evan's urn before I fall asleep. I see him staring at the horizon in deep thought, and just the other day I saw him kiss his urn and whisper, "I love you son." Let me tell you girls, my heart broke into pieces, knowing that I am the cause of his pain. My body failed his children, and the sad part? There was nothing I could do about it! I did everything the Dr.'s said to do and I still failed my children.
I know you will tell me it was not my fault, but my irrational mind cannot wrap itself around that fact. This body that I treasured, that I took care of, that I used to lovingly carry my children, simply gave way.
I am thinking of doing something special for Evan's angelversary. If you are led to do anything for my precious sweetheart on July 25th, please feel free to do so.
While I am battling this new wave of grief, my grief has intensified for my friends Shandrea and Deni. I am sure most of you have already heard that Shandrea gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Tristen Ryan, born too soon to survive, and sweet Deni is experiencing a failed adoption. Please join me in prayer for these sweet ladies who like all of you, have been a great source of support for me. Please pray that the Lord blankets them in love and that a peace that passes all understanding abides with them. Please pray that their expected end will be fulfilled soon.
I am reading a profoundly moving book titled Joshua by Joseph Girzone. In the next post, I will share with you a few words of wisdom the author penned. I was cleaning out my school closet (fellow teachers, you the one I am talking about! The one filled with books, paper,markers, crayons, lesson ideas, and so on. Yup! That one!) and stumbled across this book. I don' know how it got there or where it came from, but I sure needed the message that it had to deliver.
Please keep us in prayer, as I keep praying for you and taking your needs to our heavenly father.
Awaiting my expected end.