Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Let me introduce myself to you....

Hi! My name is Marie, and I am a child of God. More importantly, I am a friend of God.

For days now I have been rewriting this post and battling with whether or not I should post it. I know this post will not get a lot of comments, or it may even just get a cursory glance, and that is fine with me. If I can reach one person, then my heart will be content.

Let me first start off by saying, that I will NEVER force my beliefs on anyone of you. I understand that we all come from different backgrounds and differing faith systems. This blog is a chronicle of my life as well as a mini ministry that I hope by sharing my experiences, someone else can be blessed.
Lately I have been seeing a lot of people denounce their faith or come clean that they are not believers. I am not here to preach at anyone, or condemn anyone, I am simply speaking for myself. I am sure you all know the horrific things that I have been through, and if anyone has a right to denounce God, some will say why not Marie?
When I read a blog about someone not believing (and again, I reiterate that I respect everyone and their beliefs or lack thereof), I do not comment on that particular post. Simply because I will NEVER force someone to believe or push my faith on anyone. I simply whisper a prayer for peace in their hearts. I don't pray for God to make them believe, I don't delete them from my reader, I don't stop commenting, I don't stop giving them virtual hugs or support, I just pray for peace in their hearts. Not believing is a personal decision, and I never want to be accused of being a bigot.

I am a child of God. It's not easy, but I love my Savior with an agape love. I cry, I pray, I ache, I get mad, I storm the heavens, I questions God, I second guess myself. But who doesn't do that in any relationship? My relationship with Christ is a personal one. Do I thank him for taking my babies? Absolutely NOT! Do I always understand his ways? Absolutely NOT!
My faith was never always strong. Though I accepted the Lord as my personal Savior at 11 years old, I really did not start truly walking with him until I was 17 years old. I come from a family whose belief was rigid. No pants, no make-up, no jewelry, women had to wear hats in church and so on. This rigidity deterred many and they left the faith for "brighter and better" things. These are the things that stopped me from fully committing. It felt as if, these things were being pushed at us, and no us having any conviction and coming to the decision by ourselves with gentle guidance. At 17, when I really started walking with Christ, I still did not get it, but I sure tried. :-)
As time passed, and that relationship got stronger, I understood a little more.

Now as I approach the dawn of 26, I still don't fully understand his ways or his plans for me. But, I have developed a trust that allows me to be somewhat at peace when things come my way. I'm not saying that I ask for trials and tribulations to come my way (who wants that?), but I believe in the scripture that says he will bring me forth as pure gold. I will say it again, it is definitely not easy trusting wholeheartedly, but I try my best and when I find my faith faltering, I say it out loud ; "I trust you Lord".
I still choose to believe (and it IS a choice) because of hope. That hope that the next pregnancy will go well, that hope that my husband will find a job, that hope that this world cannot be all evil and full of heartaches, I hold on to the hope so many before me had, and the hope that the scriptures so often remind me of.
I believe because of the blessings I have. I believe because I see the sun every morning, feel the gentle breeze, the clouds, the moon, the stars, the many blessings I do have. So many things increase my faith. I believe because he shows up on time and blesses me abundantly.

Believing is a choice. Faith is a choice. I choose to believe. Just like it is your choice to not believe. I want my life to be an example to someone. I want despite my shortcomings, despite the loss of my children, for someone to say, God is good.

The experiences in our lives shape our belief systems. After losing two precious little ones, It was easy for me to say, there is no God. How can he be so cruel to rip my babies from my arms? But when I looked into Evan's and Alyssa-Joy's faces, I saw peace. I saw their perfect features. I knew then that this life was bigger than I was. I knew than that I had to keep believing. I had to keep believing for them, for my husband, for my father, for me. Believe me, I thought about it! But I could not bring myself to do it.

I will never shun someone because they do not believe and I hope no one received such a message in this post. It is a choice we all make, and you will still have my support. There is nothing I like less than so called Christians who condemn and judge. I simply pray for peace in your hearts and that whatever decisions you make results in peace.

In the last post, I mentioned a book that I found buried in the back of my closet. I don't know how it got there, who it came from, but I sure needed to hear the message the book had to deliver. Joshua by Joseph Girzone is about a man who did noting but good, who loved Christ, who loved people. He was a mystery to many, and his beliefs and opinions angered as many as who loved him. The town was split. Those who supported his opinions which led to their own discovery of God and his plans and those who felt he was a threat to their religions. This book had me question myself. Do I push my beliefs on others? Or do I simply communicate the love of Christ? You see, I want others to come to Christ off their own accord, not because they feel threatened. In the end of the book, I discovered that Joshua was in fact Jesus. Walking this earth as man and sharing the fathers love with those he met. Who else has an intimate knowledge of our father's plans but his own son? I found myself praying "Lord, please let me develop a Joshua spirit". It was a spirit of love, hope, humility.
One message that stood out to me was; God is not a phantom humans concoct to fix their imaginations on, but a real being present before him who responds to every thought and plea. Praying is as if enjoying a dialogue with a dear friend, with someone you love intensely, and someone you are intimately involved with, who controls circumstances, make decisions, even if you sometimes disagree. Real religion is in our hearts not buildings. Customs and practices and traditions can replace true service of God and become a real obstacle to real growth in the love of God.

My faith, my belief is a personal choice. So is yours.

Awaiting my expected end.


  1. Beautiful post, Marie. I feel the same way. I hope to never push my beliefs on others, but to live my life as an example of His grace. xoxo

  2. Beautiful post! I am about to finish the book "If God is Good" by Randy Alcorn, which is an excellent discussion about the things you have written about here. I started it soon after I lost my Jonathan, and it has strengthened my faith tremendously. I highly recommend it and from what I can tell, I think you would enjoy it. :) Blessings to you.

  3. Beautiful post Marie. None of us have God's understanding of why our losses occurred, but we do have His promise of eternal life and being reunited with our babies. Amen!

  4. Marie, this is a great post. I don't think any of us regardless of relationship understand why things happen the way they do, but for those who are able, we have the faith that one day we will understand God's plan for us.

  5. Thank you for this post marie. I needed to hear what you do when you find your faith haltering. It is truly a struggle right now to hold on, but i knw the alternative will get me no where. Sending you hugs and lots of love.

  6. Marie,

    I too chose FAITH, for without it I have nothing...I am nothing. I won't say that it's never been shaken, it has, to the core, but "he" built us to be resilient. "He" understands with an unconditional understanding...the purest of unconditional love.

    What a wonderful post! God bless you Marie and I will continue to pray blessings come your way, just as your words have blessed me.

    Many Hugs

  7. Amazing post! I think if you try to push belief on others that it will push them farther away! It is great to share though. I love the part about having a "Joshua spirit". Thank you also for sharing a good book to read. xxx

  8. Marie, I couldn't have said it better! The Lord has been with me all my life and I publicly became a Christian when I was 12. I don't know how I would have withstood this journey without him. It bothers me when people announce that they don't believe in Him, but I, too, respect their beliefs and I still try to uplift them. I am not their judge, but I hope to give some comfort to their hearts. I'm just so thankful I have had a lifetime journey with Him. I just pray to Him in thanksgiving for all he has blessed me with. ((((Hugs, dear))))

  9. Bless your heart...I loved this post. I honestly can see how so many would find it so easy to believe that God just wasn't. There many, many days that I even think, "But this doesn't make sense...this isn't right...how can this be and God be too?"

    And I just remember that even on my worst, worst day, I'd rather cling to the HOPE and FAITH that He is and He is good than to be without Him. It is a choice--one I sometimes make on a constant basis each day--but one I also hope pleases Him and allows my life to be a witness for others.
    Lots of love!!!

  10. Thanks for a greata post. I agree with you and love the Lord no matter what comes. It's not what we have to endure, it's how we chose to endure it.

  11. Beautiful post Marie, you are a witness and a light! I agree with you I hope to be that light in the darkness for someone else struggling that they may know the peace that I know. And I love to surround myself with people who can remind me when the days get dark and I question!! Thank you for being one of those lights!

  12. Marie, you have probably read my posts in the beginning when I asked God WHY? WHy did he do this to me? and for a while, I was not on good terms with him...and then Katy and Kristie brought God back into my life. I remember thinking, if it was not for Him I would not be surrounded by loving mothers who know my pain, if it was not for Him I would not feel comfort in knowing ALyssa is with all the other Angels in Heaven. I truly believe all of us have come across our paths because He knew we needed each other. I may not be as religious as you, but I wear a cross around my neck, I wear TWO Saint Anthony's charms, and I have a shrine of saints and crosses at Alyssa's grave and all over my house. I have to believe by surrounding myself by God and his Saints that I am protected. I strongly disagree that He had anything to do with my daughter. I believe he has given me answers in the last few weeks that have brought me some closure....I pray to him and to my daughter, as I believe SHE herself is a Saint and my very own Guardian Angel that they bring me peace and patience while I ride this roller coaster....and I feel it working every day the pain lessons....the nights are tough, but not as tough as they were. I hurt for ALL of the new losses and losses that have not even occurred yet and I really hope that God puts me in their path so that I can lift them. on a side note, im kind of curious to know if my blog was one of the ones you were talking about lol...could be my guilty conscience of questioning Him here and there...xoxo....hope all is well for you very soon!

  13. Beautiful post!!!! Your post (all your post) inspire me. As always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. From one friend of Jesus to another. God will bless you and your family. Keeping holding on to your faith.

  14. You are so right; faith is such a personal journey between each one of us and the Divine, however we see that.

  15. Love this post and I do think it is important not to push our beliefs on anyone else because it could push them further away. Many times I have prayed for those who don't believe and that their hearts would be opened to Him.