Thank you so much for the wonderful comments. My sister was amazed at the fact that I shared something so personal with the blogverse. To tell you the truth, the reason I shared something so personal is to show that my life is far from perfect. Many times my readers tell me that I am inspiration (even though I don't consider myself to be) and that I seem to always be positive. I never want to paint my life as "perfect". I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I struggle with my grief, I ask why. By exposing the very intimate details of my life allows others to be a blessing to me. I have learned through sharing this that I am not the only one with in-law drama. Thank you so much for allowing me to share every part of my life with you - both the good and the bad.
I seems as though lately everything has been going wrong, that obstacles keep popping up. Again, I refer to the statement one blogger made; the devil is running interference. I struggled with the insurance company approving the TAC with Dr. Dav.is, finding Dr. Charl.es (and we knew how that turned out), meeting Dr. Yas.in who tried to convince me to do another TVC, postponing and canceling the TAC, finally getting it done, to hubby being terminated, to now this latest fiasco. Every where I turn there is a roadblock. Now moving has been put off, as well as TTCing. I can't seem to catch a break! But I am not going to sit here and let the devil glorify in my mess, I am going to fight to keep the faith and trust God wholeheartedly!
I am being tested and tried on every end, but it is in times like these that I MUST trust my creator. I think of Job who NEVER lost his faith! Even when his wife begged him to curse God and die - he refused! Oh to have even a measure of trust that Job had! Though he lost everything (his babies, his riches, his servants, his wife) he never wavered. In fact he trusted God even more.
My trust flickers from day to day. Some days its strong and I go around confident that he is about to show out, and some days that small flicker of fear shines through. In spite of it all, I must say he is a faithful provider. Bills are still paid, food is still on the table, we are still able to enjoy life with our friends on a small and distanced budget of course!), and thats more than enough. Many are in a worse situation and I will forever be grateful.
In this testing time, I am choosing to trust with my whole heart. I wont say it will be easy, but I am going to try my best.
There is a small percentage of us who have had multiple losses with the TVC on the Incompetent Cervix Support Boards. There are 4 of us who have gotten close because of our losses. Currently they are either pregnant or have had their little one. Only two of us are left. While I am happy for them, my heart breaks for me. I would love to be the one to make a pregnancy announcement, I would love to be the one to marvel at a growing belly. Again, I am happy for them because no one else is more deserving, but I feel bad for myself. Testing time is trusting time. I will trust in the plans he has for me. Obviously it is not the time for me (financial wise and relationship wise), but I am trusting in his plan.
Can you trust him to bring in your grain and gather it to your threshing floor? (Job 39:12)
They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. (Psalm 22:5)
But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." (Psalm 31:14)
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. (Psalm 56:3)
I am asking for prayers for a few friends during their testing time. Deb has had her little warrior at 26 weeks (she is one of the 4). He is now 6 weeks old and is doing well. Deb has had two previous losses, the last one with a TVC in place. She went on to have a TAC, which brought her to viability. I know right now the NICU journey is not easy and baby Isaac has his ups and downs, but he is truly a warrior.
Pray for my friend Fawzia (no blog an another of the 4) who is currently 14 weeks pregnant with a TAC. She has also had two prior losses. Pray for her piece of mind during this time especially as upcoming milestones are reached.
Pray for my friend Alana who has recently had what is known as a chemical pregnancy. She suffers from secondary infertility and is trying to add to her family.
Pray for Courtney who recently lost another little boy, Wyatt River. A little over a year ago she lost her twin boys due to HELLP syndrome.
Pray for all the troubled, grieving hearts in blogverse that are having rough times paying their bills, in their marriages, with their pregnancies, pray for piece of mind during pregnancies and for safe deliveries.
While we pray for those in need, let us remember to rejoice with those who are about to deliver, have recently gotten a positive pregnancy test, have delivered, are currently pregnant or simply have a plan in place. While there seems to be an influx of sad news in blogverse, there is a barrage of good news as well.
When times get tough and you don't think that you can go on, simply repeat to yourself, that "testing time is trusting time". Thats what I will be doing.
Awaiting my expected end.