Part 3

At the follow-up the net day with my OB, he explained what happened as we still had questions, he checked baby and said everything looked good. I asked him about the possibility of infection, what to look for and so on. I also asked him about the steroid shots for baby's lungs (we would get them at 24 weeks -just 3 1/2 weeks away), and about the ffn tests (to check impending labor). He prescribed some more antibiotics just to be safe and sent us on our way.
We went home feeling reassured and confident that this would work out.

Friday Morning I woke up and knew something was not quite right. I felt icky, I could not eat and baby wasn't moving.I felt like I was coming down with something. My body ached, my eyes hurt, and I felt feverish. I took my BP, it was 106/60. I tried to take my temp, but discovered the battery in the thermometer was dead. I immediately thought of infection. All the signs were there including loose stools.
Normally he moves and does somersaults when I wake up, but for some reason that morning he did not. I thought ok, he probably is going through a growth spurt (the what to expect when expecting says that around 20 weeks, they tend to not move as much due to this). Around 10:30 when he still had not moved and I started feeling tightening in my lower abdomen, I started to panic. I immediately put my hand over my stomach and started praying. I asked God to calm my fears and calm the uterus. I asked him to take away whatever was happening and to keep bubs safe.
Around 11:00 I called dh. He came home right away. I called the Dr.'s office and a nurse told me to come in around two as it was probably nothing. I asked for my Dr. and she said he was in surgery so I would be seeing Dr. N., the same Dr. who discharged me from the hospital.

Hubby came home and brought me OJ. I drank a ton and lay on my side. Nothing. I drank some soda. Nothing. By this time the tightening had stopped. I told hubby I hope I was being paranoid.

We left early for the Dr.'s office hoping to get in early.
At the Dr.'s office, hey did the routine stuff - weight, BP, and I asked her to check my temperature. It was 100.8. They took hubby and I back into a room while we waited for the Dr. Finally she came in and asked what the matter was. I told her no movement, loose stools, feeling feverish, and tightenings what thought were contractions. She listened to baby's HB and said it was fine. I was skeptical because bubs is usually low and she aimed high. I tried to tell her this, but she brushed me off and said it was baby's HB.
She said the loose stools I was having was from the antibiotics, the tightenings I was feeling were Braxton Hicks, I had a flu and I should take Tylenol.
I asked her about the possibility of infection and she said my fever was too low and that my water had to break. I asked her how to rule it out and she said it was a simple fever. We left there slighted, but figured we were being overly paranoid.

We went home, I took two tylenol and drank some soup. Dh left to go see his father and I parked my behind under the covers. Around 10:00 that night, the contractions were stronger. I told dh, this could not be BH as BH should not be painful. I called my OB, who thank God was on call. I told him about my visit to the his office today and that I was concerned about infection. I told him that the contractions were getting worse. He told me to head to L&D where they would put me on the monitor and give me meds to stop the contractions. We must have done 80 in a 45 zone. On the way to the hospital, I could barely sit - the contractions were that bad.

At the hospital, we were taking immediately to L&D. While disrobing in triage, I felt blood coming. The nurses immediately went into action. I tried to tell them I had a cerclage in, but my OB had already let them know. I asked why I was bleeding because my water did not break, and the nurse said I could be tearing due to the cerclage. It was then that dh called my family to come - we knew something was wrong.
The ultrasound tech came in and did her stuff. During a contraction I looked up and saw her shake her head. She and the nurse left the room and I knew. I could not even cry. The nurse came back in and said there was no HB. She started to take my vitals and I told her I had a fever. This sped her into more action. They moved me to a private room to wait for the Dr. to come.

My family arrived and I remember lashing out about why me? why 2 babies in 8 months? why do these teenagers and abusers and druggies get to carry a child and I don't? I ranted and raved until the dr. got there. I was so mad it could be seen in my face. I remember telling my friend that I new something was wrong and if that idiot dr. had listened to me, we would not be in this predicament.

The Dr. came in and started to hug me. I have always said my OB is the best and he really is. I was his second loss in 20 years. He attempted to take out the cerclage but it was too painful so he called anesthesia down.
The did their stuff and the cerclage was out, all except for one piece which is still there. I had immediately dilated to 3 cm. The cytotec was inserted and we simply waited for labor to begin. I asked the OB why, and he said most likely infection, that he would know more after delivery.

CURRENT STATE OF MIND
I am lost. I have been a christian since I was 9 years old, and I have never been this tested. I keep asking what's the lesson? Why 2 babies? How much more can I bear? Why me? I feel betrayed. I feel as if I am being punished. I feel worthless as a woman and a wife. How the hell could my cervix be so weak? I am so mad, that when my hubby brought the bible for me to read yesterday morning I told him I don't want to hear that right now. I am being severely tested and I only hope that I pass, but right now I am mad.

How can I be a christian and profess the miracles he can do, when I have yet to see one with my babies? I feel as if all my prayers were in vain, that I spent my entire summer on my back and it was all for naught. I feel as if I let my family and my husband down, most of all I feel I let my babies down. I keep thinking why did I trust the cerclage? Why did I not insist on a TAC? All I wanted was to get to 24 weeks. Why did that not happen. Am I so unworthy that I don't deserve to be a mom?
My hubby says my feelings are normal and it is ok, but while I feel mad at God, part of me feels guilty for being mad.

I miss my babies more than ever and don't know how to grieve. Do I curl in a corner and wail? Do I scream and lash out? Do I try to forget it happened? Today is a week since it all went downhill and it keeps replaying in my mind. Is there something I missed? a symptom? should I have been more aggressive? What more could I have done to avoid this from happening?

Where is my expected end?