I recently opened my inbox and found this e-mail. When I read this, I immediately broke down (what's new huh? :-) ) I just thought I would share, as well as my response to the e-mail. This is a friend from miles and states away, but somehow she was able to sense my state of mind and provide encouraging words when I needed it. Thanks S. She recently had a beautiful baby boy after years of heartache.
I don't know where to start. This is gonna be sort of long- I can feel it- I just have so much to say to you. Let me first start by telling you how sorry I am to hear that you lost another precious baby. I have been superficially navigating through the forum and missed your posts. When I read your recent post, I went through your archives and read the other threads about Evan. I was in tears and disbelief. I had to get myself together before I could reply to your thread.
Marie it was after reading your blog while I was in that hospital on bedrest that I felt your deep spiritual connection with the Lord. It is this connection that I know will get you through this hard time. Sure, words of condolences are great, but without the Lord supporting you, those words would fall on deaf ears and blind eyes. I lost 2 angels as well and it was through constant reaffirmation of God's Love that I knew everything would be alright. I don't have to tell you that, you know it already. This is just a test. If you are like me, you are thinking 'Why is he testing me, he should know that with every trial I endure, my faith gets stronger, not weaker'. Girl, I tell you, I don't know why God does what he does, but I know as his children, we have no choice but to keep loving him and trust that he loves us and everything he does is not in vain.
I know you are sitting at home analyzing every detail that occured prior to losing your baby. I did that and still do. With Ellis, whom I lost last year, I could make a list about what should have been done differently. Even after the doc told me that I was 3 cm dilated with bulging membranes, I just looked at her like "okay and what does that mean". I kept believing until I delivered him that God would turn the situation around. I have to remind myself that if it were meant to be, then he would be here. My family and friends and my dh give my OB the credit for RJ getting here, but anyone who knows the Lord knows who's really responsible. God told that doctor what to do for me, simply because He was ready to bless me. Heck, the doc didn't think I would make it to 28 weeks, but he never discharged me, eased-up on my bedrest restrictions, or took me out of t-burg....that was God's doing!!!
I know you are hurting so much right now. I know how you must feel. With my 1st loss, I was hurt but confused at the same time. With my 2nd loss the pain was different because I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING possible to see him here. It was a double blow to know that my constant prayers and strict bedrest, on top of withdrawing from school in my final semester was all in vain. I just kept saying to myself 'No degree, No baby.' And on top of that my cousin, who was also pregnant, just so happened to deliver her baby on my first son's angel date. 2008 was not a good year.
Although, some positives did occur in 2008, I still wondered 'why me.' I went into my most recent pregnancy feeling that God was preparing me for a special child. And in order to fully appreciate and nurture this special child, I would have to be extremely thankful for this gift. And the only way to be that thankful would be to know what is was like to have that gift taken away. Sure I was a bundle of nerves laying in that hospital bed, in t-burg, for 10 weeks. But after my 26 week sono showed shortening, I made a choice to FULLY leave it in God's hands. I don't know if I posted it on the forum, but my sono pic showed a big shadow of a 'hand' on the baby body. I knew then that everything was going to be okay. I want to you keep your faith strong during your next pregnancy. Don't let satan put negative thoughts of doubt in your mind.
Marie just hold on to your faith. God sees how strong your faith is and you will be blessed. Right now take time to heal. I know you will be an earth mommy soon.
p.s. I will continue to pray for you.
Thank you so much for this message. It came at a time I really need it. I am sitting in my classroom having a mini breakdown after seeing the 5 pregnant women and it reminds me of what could have been.
I keep going through these tests and frankly I am tired. I keep reminding myself the the trying of my faith worketh patience, but it is hard. I had one point after losing Evan when I wanted to give up, but something would not let me. I still can't pray or worship because I felt all my prayers during this last pregnancy was in vain. I kept saying I have been faithful to him, I gave him my all, so why did he take 2? One was unbearable, 2 is indescribable.
I know it is okay to feel this way because he reminds me that he can handle it. I am holding on to my faith but trying hard! I know one thing I better be winning the lottery or getting something big after all this mess. :-)
I feel the same feelings that you did and I am comforted knowing that I my feelings are "normal". I did everything and I said to my hubby that my summer went by in vain.
Hubby and I are considering the TAC, I will keep you posted.
Thank you for praying for me, I absolutely need it.
Also, Congrats to Heather at Journey to a Wondraful Baby. They recently started the adoption process and I was happy to read this morning that they now have a baby girl! I declare, this was the fastest adoption ever, and I KNOW God had a hand in it. With him, all things are possible. Check out their blog and wish them congrats!
Where is my expected end?