The Secret Garden Meeting -September

Hi gang!
This Month's edition of The Secret Garden Meeting centers around the following question: What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you

Many things have helped me deal with these tragic and heartrending past few months. First and foremost, my faith. I do not profess to be the most perfect christian, I have my moments when I ask why? and doubt his "thoughts of peace" for me. However, on the days that I am feeling down and ready to lose hope, he sends someone, a scripture, a blog post, something that lifts me back up. I am working daily on my faith, it is tough, but I look back and I thank him for all the things he has done for me, good and bad, as it made me a better more appreciative, more sympathetic person.

Secondly it is my wonderful hubby. He knows how I feel and encourages me to express myself freely. A simple hug will bring me out of my sad place, the smile that flashes across his face when he looks at our babies pictures and urns, how he refers to the babies we will have, and how he thanks me for blessing him with two babies. I have an awesome hubby and I thank God for him - I could not imagine going through this with anyone else.

My sisters are also a God-send. They know just when to step in and rescue me. They remember my babies with me and encourage me. They keep the crazies away from me (you know - the ones who always have advice, God knows best, you are young...etc.) and when I am doubtful, remind me that I have to think positive.

Last, but not least, my blog family. It is all of you that help to keep me sane. Your words of encouragement are welcomed and treasured. You allow me to be me and know that I can express myself and share my babies without fear of rejection. I relish in the fact that I can count on you to pray (not just to say you are, but to actually do it), I enjoy sharing my life with you and Thank You from the bottom of my scarred heart.

I remember my babies every single day. When i wake up I tell them good morning and kiss the urns. I have had picture books made. The pictures I have of them are precious to me. I have scrapbook pages. Hubby and I are currently designing pendants in memory of them, and we are planning Alyssa-Joy's birthday celebration. We remember them by referring to them by name and sharing them with every one we know. We love you babies!

Where is my expected end?

Spoke Too Soon...

I am amazed at the incompetence of people. Remember how I told you how my insurance claim was submitted? It was not. I called this morning to check the status of my application, and I was told that it was still on the desk! WTH???????????? She immediately started telling me that my case is unique and she is unsure of what to do. Again, WTH?????????? She pretty told me in laymans terms that she thinks it would not be approved. (Just imagine me going into hysterics.)

I called the School District's Insurance Representative and stated my plight. She then said she is going to find me someone IN NETWORK, and get back to me. She made mention of this one Dr. in West Palm Beach, Florida that does unusual things (I already researched him and he does the Lap TAC - which I have researched and have found that it does not have a high success rate). I immediately called my hubby and said if Dr. D is no going to do it - I want no part of it!

I called Dr. D. and let him know about the lack of knowledge concerning this matter and he stated that if a date was set, the insurance companies would move faster. He says he cannot fathom why they would deny it after a TVC has been proven to not work for me. So.............. my TAC date is set for Friday, December 18th, 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my only concern is that they may only cover 50% and that leaves me with only 2 months to save to cover the balance! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I discussed it with hubby and we decided that if they cover t partially, then we will put off the surgery until February, which gives us more time to save so we do not overextend ourselves.

I am excited, yet nervous. I am praying and hoping that the Insurance Company works for us and covers the procedure at least partially. Hubby and I are going on a fast about this. I know that with God all things are possible and I am choosing to put my trust in him. Will you pray and believe with us?

I received a wonderful comment from a "lurker" and will respond below. Thanks for supporting, lifting, and praying for us.

Cecilia, Thank you for coming out of "hiding". I was touched by your comment and know that I am now praying for you. It is hard for me to understand why good things happen to bad people, especially after you put your hope and faith in God. I like you have my moments, and find comfort from other blogs. I have to remind myself that I will never understand the mind of God or why he puts us through these heartaches. My faith is the only thing that keeps me going. Just knowing that there is a rainbow at the end of the storm gives me something to look forward to, and I remind myself that my good days outweigh my bad days, Even though I have lost two babies which is beyond what I could ever imagine, I examine my life and thank God for the blessings I do have. I hope today finds you in good spirits, and just know that I am praying for you. {hugs to you}.
BTW ~ I keep telling my hubby for all of us who go through a loss, there must be a win in our future. Shoot! Maybe we will win Power Ball, the Lottery, Publishers Clearing house, etc. :-).

Where is my expected end?

I Can Only imagine

:-(. This is how I feel today. At times, the burdens of life overtake me and I can only focus on the negative. As Friday looms, I relive the circumstances surrounding the loss of Evan. Every Friday morning I will the day away praying that time speeds up.

If we only had hope in this life, it would be a sad existence. I am reminded daily that there is something greater in store for me. One day I will go to a place where I will know no heartache and I can hold my babies once again. I will see my Mom and just bask in the Glory of God. Just thinking about that day makes me smile and urges me to live a life that is pleasing to Him.

As I was wasting the time away, I found this clip on Youtube that lifted my spirits. I hope it does the same for you. Whatever your troubles are this afternoon, just know that weeping only lasts for a night, but EVERLASTING JOY will come in the morning.
As for me, I am drying my tears and thanking God that he chose me to be Alyssa-Joy's and Evan's mom. Without them, would not have known empathy, compassion, agape and unabashed love.



Where is my expected end?

Whattttt????????

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man that trusteth in him!

My heavens! Remember I told you how the Dr.'s office called me with the results of the blood work yesterday? Well they called me back yesterday afternoon. The lady who is personally handling my case, wanted to know if Dr. D was going to do the procedure in his office or at the Hospital. I let her know it is an invasive procedure that requires hospital care and gave her the number to contact him and his office staff.

Long story short, as of this morning my claim has been submitted to the Insurance Company! How fast was that??? Here I am, planning to light a fire under my Dr.'s a** and I did not even have to! It is now in the hands of God and the Insurance Company. Earnest Prayers are needed!!!!! Remember that the effectual, fervent prayer of the righteous availeth much - so I crave all the prayers I can get.

After being mad at God for so long, I heard a message at church a few weeks ago. The message was entitled; "What are you mad about?!" This past sunday, I decided to let go of my anger and just worship (I could not even raise my hands after losing Evan). I worshipped until tears ran down my face. I worshipped until me heart hurt. I simply let the hurt and anger go. No one told me to, I just felt it was time. Since this happened, everything has been falling into place the last few days.

Last week I got an e-mail from a friend who was telling me how she was excited for me. She just knew that I am going to have a little one on earth to love. After that conversation, the words came to me; "watch how fast God is going to work". I did not know how fast!
Well, this morning A parent wanted to see me. She wanted me to approach her child's teacher and get the weekly spelling words (In the back of my mind, I was saying, "couldn't you do that yourself?"). I then had to trek across campus to visit this other teacher who I barely know, to get some spelling words.
The minute I walked into the classroom, the teacher said to me
"Oh Ms. R (called me by my maiden name), I had a dream about you! I woke up smiling and I was so excited for you!"
I said to her, "I do hope it was a very good dream"
"Oh yes. I dreamed that you had a bay girl, you were holding her, and crying and smiling at the same time!"

What a dream! As I was leaving her classroom, I said to myself; "how funny, that this mom asked me to go to this teacher and get some spelling words for her son, when she could have called the teacher herself, and how odd that this teacher who barely knows me would have such a dream". I am starting to believe that God in his own way put things in place that this mom would send me to this teacher, who would give me such a news. He knows me all too well. If it was someone I knew that told me they had a dream about me, then I would have brushed it off, but he sent an almost stranger who knew nothing about my circumstances to deliver such a message! How is great is my God???!!!!
The minute I let is go and started worshipping, is the minute things start falling into place! I must say I am feeling peaceful and confident about 2010.

I keep being reminded that he really will never eave nor forsake me, no matter what I dish out to him.

Where is my expected end?

The results are in.....

No Blood Clotting Disorders! All the blood work came back perfect - It is just my crappy cervix.

I also took the opportunity to inquire about the submission to the insurance company - the lady reassured me that she was on the case as their is a BIG note on the front of the folder. Ha! There better be one. :-). My sister graciously reminded me that it is dangerous to "piss off" your Dr.'s office. Ha! I really don't care if they get pissed off- when they have to bury babies then they can comment. LOL. I will make sure I call back next week to check on the status.

Where is my expected end?

I have been meaning to join in the Secret Garden Meeting Series,, but every time I create a post, I get super emotional. It acts as a reminder of what should be. i should be blogging about the antics of my little ones and not be blogging about my grief.
Every month, a series of questions are asked and each blogger may answer as she wishes. It is a way to remember or babies and share grief.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
I did not create a bedroom. Both Evan and Alyssa would have slept in our room. In our culture, the first few months, the baby "rooms" with the mom. We did have visions for each room and we would have started room prep when the baby was about 3 months old.
This was the bedding we selected for Alyssa.

The walls would have been pink, and I envisioned flowers and ladybugs decals on the walls.

This would have been the bedding for Evan.

The walls would have been painted a baby blue with music notes accessories all over. This bedding was supposed to be our "celebration" bedding. Once we had gotten to 24 weeks, I would have bought it as a gift for getting to viability.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
No. I was too nervous in both pregnancies.

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Thank heavens I did not buy anything. I probably would have gone home and torched the place.

Did you pack it all away?
I packed away all my maternity clothes, all the magazines and books went in the garbage.

What is your baby's room now?
Nothing.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
I will not set up a room until the baby comes home. I will have the bare essentials - a bassinet. I will no even look at beddings, cribs, clothes, etc. I will not even entertain the thought of a baby shower. After the baby is in my arms, then I will send my sisters and hubby out to buy the remaining items.

Where is my expected end?

Letter from a friend

I recently opened my inbox and found this e-mail. When I read this, I immediately broke down (what's new huh? :-) ) I just thought I would share, as well as my response to the e-mail. This is a friend from miles and states away, but somehow she was able to sense my state of mind and provide encouraging words when I needed it. Thanks S. She recently had a beautiful baby boy after years of heartache.

Marie,

I don't know where to start. This is gonna be sort of long- I can feel it- I just have so much to say to you. Let me first start by telling you how sorry I am to hear that you lost another precious baby. I have been superficially navigating through the forum and missed your posts. When I read your recent post, I went through your archives and read the other threads about Evan. I was in tears and disbelief. I had to get myself together before I could reply to your thread.

Marie it was after reading your blog while I was in that hospital on bedrest that I felt your deep spiritual connection with the Lord. It is this connection that I know will get you through this hard time. Sure, words of condolences are great, but without the Lord supporting you, those words would fall on deaf ears and blind eyes. I lost 2 angels as well and it was through constant reaffirmation of God's Love that I knew everything would be alright. I don't have to tell you that, you know it already. This is just a test. If you are like me, you are thinking 'Why is he testing me, he should know that with every trial I endure, my faith gets stronger, not weaker'. Girl, I tell you, I don't know why God does what he does, but I know as his children, we have no choice but to keep loving him and trust that he loves us and everything he does is not in vain.

I know you are sitting at home analyzing every detail that occured prior to losing your baby. I did that and still do. With Ellis, whom I lost last year, I could make a list about what should have been done differently. Even after the doc told me that I was 3 cm dilated with bulging membranes, I just looked at her like "okay and what does that mean". I kept believing until I delivered him that God would turn the situation around. I have to remind myself that if it were meant to be, then he would be here. My family and friends and my dh give my OB the credit for RJ getting here, but anyone who knows the Lord knows who's really responsible. God told that doctor what to do for me, simply because He was ready to bless me. Heck, the doc didn't think I would make it to 28 weeks, but he never discharged me, eased-up on my bedrest restrictions, or took me out of t-burg....that was God's doing!!!

I know you are hurting so much right now. I know how you must feel. With my 1st loss, I was hurt but confused at the same time. With my 2nd loss the pain was different because I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING possible to see him here. It was a double blow to know that my constant prayers and strict bedrest, on top of withdrawing from school in my final semester was all in vain. I just kept saying to myself 'No degree, No baby.' And on top of that my cousin, who was also pregnant, just so happened to deliver her baby on my first son's angel date. 2008 was not a good year.

Although, some positives did occur in 2008, I still wondered 'why me.' I went into my most recent pregnancy feeling that God was preparing me for a special child. And in order to fully appreciate and nurture this special child, I would have to be extremely thankful for this gift. And the only way to be that thankful would be to know what is was like to have that gift taken away. Sure I was a bundle of nerves laying in that hospital bed, in t-burg, for 10 weeks. But after my 26 week sono showed shortening, I made a choice to FULLY leave it in God's hands. I don't know if I posted it on the forum, but my sono pic showed a big shadow of a 'hand' on the baby body. I knew then that everything was going to be okay. I want to you keep your faith strong during your next pregnancy. Don't let satan put negative thoughts of doubt in your mind.

Marie just hold on to your faith. God sees how strong your faith is and you will be blessed. Right now take time to heal. I know you will be an earth mommy soon.

S.

p.s. I will continue to pray for you.


My Response
S,

Thank you so much for this message. It came at a time I really need it. I am sitting in my classroom having a mini breakdown after seeing the 5 pregnant women and it reminds me of what could have been.

I keep going through these tests and frankly I am tired. I keep reminding myself the the trying of my faith worketh patience, but it is hard. I had one point after losing Evan when I wanted to give up, but something would not let me. I still can't pray or worship because I felt all my prayers during this last pregnancy was in vain. I kept saying I have been faithful to him, I gave him my all, so why did he take 2? One was unbearable, 2 is indescribable.
I know it is okay to feel this way because he reminds me that he can handle it. I am holding on to my faith but trying hard! I know one thing I better be winning the lottery or getting something big after all this mess. :-)

I feel the same feelings that you did and I am comforted knowing that I my feelings are "normal". I did everything and I said to my hubby that my summer went by in vain.

Hubby and I are considering the TAC, I will keep you posted.
Thank you for praying for me, I absolutely need it.

Also, Congrats to Heather at Journey to a Wondraful Baby. They recently started the adoption process and I was happy to read this morning that they now have a baby girl! I declare, this was the fastest adoption ever, and I KNOW God had a hand in it. With him, all things are possible. Check out their blog and wish them congrats!

Where is my expected end?

I should be a Doctor

I think I have let you all know that hubby and I are thinking of doing the Trans Abdominal Cerclage (TAC) sooner than later. After speaking with Dr. D's Office Manager and contacting the Insurance Company, I requested a copy of my medical chart from the OB.
Just to remind you, the Insurance Company stated that since the procedure will be done pre-pregnancy, then my Primary Dr. has to request authorization. I e-mailed Dr. D. informing him of the consultation I set up with my Dr., as well as the fact that we want to do the procedure earlier. He immediately called me and said that he will support whatever we want to do and will collaborate with my Dr. to ensure that the procedure gets covered. He is also willing to submit a "Consultation Letter" to the Insurance Company. Have I said I already love this man? *sigh*.

The consultation was yesterday and I must say I am proud of myself. I was prepared, had all my documentation, had the procedure code, Dr. D.'s tax ID, contact numbers, address, hospital he worked out of, the works. I was ARMED and READY to plead my case. I also got through relaying the whole ordeal over the past year without breaking down. My Dr. already had some idea as my sister goes to him as well and he hand inquired how I was doing.

Well, I did not have to plead my case! He completely agrees with me and is willing to get the ball rolling. He did some blood work, one of which is Anti Platelet Anti Body- to rule out that any other factors did not contribute. This excited me to no end. I remember asking my OB if he thought we should check for other factors (such as a blood clotting disorder) just to rule it out and he said he did not think it was a factor. I don't either, but I want to rule everything out. My Dr. agrees.

So we got to the desk and the lady took my file and put it away (after I overpaid her the co-pay- which reminds me she never did give me back the balance). I looked at hubby and looked back at her (Imagine here my mouth dropping). I said to her how long is this process going to take? She said, what process? There is no diagnosis.
Flabbergasted I said to her, it says so right here- INCOMPETENT CERVIX.
To make a long story short and to not subject you to the incompetence of this individual, I had to tell her what to do. What form to give me to fill out, the procedure code, tax ID number, the works. She then said she would submit it and if it is approved, I should hear from Dr. D. I have already made up my mind to call her every week to make sure she does her job. As I was leaving quite displeased with her and her lack of knowledge, she said to me "are you sure you're not in the medical field?"
This is not the first time I have been asked this question, but I politely said to her, when you have lost two babies, you learn everything you can so you can advocate for yourself and make sure you are getting the best possible care.
Maybe I should be in the medical field. I know every complication that can go wrong in a pregnancy, I know statistics, I know medical terms and procedures and can go into them in length, I know the chances of preemie survival and every NICU term and procedure there is to know. Hmmm....maybe instead of continuing my Ph.d in education, I should do medicine. LOL, only thing is, I hate the sight of blood and other bodily fluids.

I said to hubby, this office is going to see how annoying I can be (My OB's office knew that and lovingly called me "trouble" when they saw me coming) if they don't do their jobs.

On a positive note, here is a picture of me and hubby on date night. We are still enjoying ourselves while it is the two of us. I can't wait to have an earth baby. Forgive the messy hair, the ocean breeze does not agree with me :-).



Where is my expected end?

Butterflies

Two days after I lost Evan, when I was home ridding the house of all things maternity and baby (magazines, maternity clothes, baby books), a large butterfly flew to the window and sat on the sill. I stopped what I was doing and watched that butterfly for a good ten minutes. The butterfly never budged until hubby came in and fired up the vacuum cleaner. I remember a peace washing over me and the scripture came to mind " Be still".

I mentioned to my hubby that it was Evan letting us know that he is okay.

The same thing happened when we lost Alyssa-Joy. On the way home from the hospital, a butterfly sat on the windshield and stayed there until we got home. I have heard many people say that butterflies are the spirits of our angels that often blesss us with their presence and remind us that all is well.

Last night, Bree, another angel mommy sent me these butterflies in memory of and as a reminder of my precious babies. Bree, my heart melted and I cried. Thank you for honoring my babies and reminding others that they indeed have beings and will be forever remembered.
Thank you all for sharing my grief and allowing me to express myself freely.

Where is my expected end?