I was extremely sad last night. In fact I was holding back tears so dh would not see. I keep thing that I should be eagerly anticipating the birth of Alyssa-Joy or at least be enjoying the pleasure of her company right now. I keep thinking that I should not be going to work on Monday, but should be catching my last days of sleep before her arrival or having sleepless nights feeding and changing a baby. I am just sad.
I keep thinking about miscarriages and all thing that can go wrong with a pregnancy (Even though I have no history of 1st trimester losses). It is hard to think positive. When we are blessed with a little one, I can only imagine the worry I will got through until he os she is 18, and even then I will still worry (my dad still worries about my sisters and I). I know, I really trust God, but my human side starts thinking all sorts of negative things. I am praying more often and asking God to help me let go and trust him as his plans for me are perfect.
When we lost AJ, I had a serious talk with God. Plain as day, he said he will carry me the next time. I have to trust that he is not a God that he should lie, but that he wants us to prove him.
2008 was a rough year. It was also a trying of my faith. On February 14th, dh collapsed at work and was rushed to the hospital. When I heard the news it was the longest 20 minute ride of my life. Come to find out he had really bad high blood pressure and a high fever. He stayed in the first hospital for 5 days. On Saturday he was discharged, and sent home with meds. He was rushed back again Sunday Night. The dosage was too high and was causing mini strokes (migraine - why did the doctor not say this?? When I heard stroke, I fell apart). He stayed in that hospital another 5 days before being sent home.
In May at my routine checkup, a lump was found in my left breast. Cancer runs in my family, in fact my mom died from ovarian cancer (every year I get a pap and a C125 test - every woman should request this). It was then 3 months of testing and praying. I was finally cleared in August, but told to do more self-exams and visit the surgeon again in 6 months.
It was then suggested to us by my primary care physician that we start having kids as I have no idea what the future holds. We did, and then our world came crashing down.
I have come to the conclusion that things can only get better from here on. What's the worse that can happen?? I have been through the ringer and back and things can only get better. It is through these experiences that I have learned to count it all joy. I am closer to my hubby, family, am more proactive in my own care, and appreciate and look forward even more to any kids I will have (noticed I said will and not may-this is part of my positive thinking).
On the eve of Easter, I thank God. To think that he gave his life for me...... to think that he died on that cross.... endured spits and jeers....... I am thankful. Though my experiences are painful, I cannot imagine dying like that so that someone may have eternal life. He is truly an awesome God.
I challenge each of you this Easter to evaluate your thinking. There must be one thing that you are thankful for. It could be as small as having food, to as big as having life. Though it is tough, we can never and will never understand the mind of God.
Happy Easter to you and yours, and remember the reason behind the season.
Awaiting my expected end.