Monday, April 20, 2009

From Mother to Daughter

Dear Alyssa-Joy,

Words fail me when it comes to expressing my love for you. As I sit here on the day you were supposed to have arrived, tears stream down my face. Just knowing that I never got the chance to know you, to show you off, to dress you to the nines. All I have to show are some pictures and the contents in your memory box. Your scent still lingers in the blanket you were wrapped in, the picture of your ten fingers and ten toes remind me how small and perfect you were. The certificate of birth those wonderful nurses composed with your full name reminds me that you were a person and you were with us, even if it were for a short time. 
The day that you would have been born was supposed to be one of jubilation, tears of happiness, laughter, love. In stead the day you were born was filled with grief, pain, tears of sadness and hurt. "Why's?" came to our lips, tears streamed down our faces when we saw your beautiful face and perfect body. Your grandparents, dad and aunts were there to witness your birth, and thought you left this earth to go to the next, just know that you were loved in that birthing room.

You would have been proud of your mother. I have no tolerance for pain, but I took it like a champ. I gave birth to you without any meds. Even though the doctor said, you felt no pain, in my heart I know you did. I know you struggled to catch your breath as your lifeline was taken away. For this baby, I am truly sorry. I know now that there was nothing I could have done to save you, but my body failed you. This body that I have lovingly cared for, worked on, and made beautiful on a daily basis, failed you. 

My greatest fear, is your face fading from my mind. I look at your picture everyday in hopes of this not happening. When I think of you a smile now comes to my face. I can only think of the things that we would have done together. How you would have wrapped your daddy around your fingers (he is a sucker for girls), how your aunts and grandparents would have spoiled you, how loved you would have been. Mommy and daddy were eagerly anticipating your arrival, but we now know it was not meant to be. But, baby that does not mean that we love you any less. You were the mirror image of your father. The only feature that was mine were your long fingers. You had the skinniest legs and beautiful hair. Even then I knew you were going to be a beauty.

I remember the day we found out you were a girl, we were on cloud nine. Immediately plans were made for what your room would look like and how we would "pinkify" you.
But now I sit here without you and my heart hurts. I have never known pain like this, but baby just know that I am not sad that you were born, I am sad that you are not here with me physically. I feel your presence daily and know that you are with me. At night, I feel a feather cross my cheek and I smile, knowing that its you giving me comfort.

How do I answer the question; "are you a mom" Do you have any kids?" I sure do, I have my very own angel waiting on me, loving me, comforting me. I am glad to have known you and loved you. When you think of your mom, just know that you are loved even though you are not here. Know that I look forward to the day I will see you again. Know that you have made me a better person, mom, wife and friend.

Rest in peace my sweetheart, until we meet again.

Awaiting my expected end.


  1. Marie-
    I am crying for you as I read this post, know how hard today must be. I'm sure you angel is looking down with a proud heart at her wonderful mommy.

  2. Marie~
    What a beautiful letter to your sweet baby. I can identify with everything you said, even down to the "mirror image of your father". I'm glad you could spend today just basking in the memories you have of your girl. Her picture is beautiful--what a miracle she was, and will always be. I will continue to pray for you!

  3. I am so sorry for your loss, Marie. Your daughter is beautiful.

  4. What a beautiful little heart breaks with yours...
    I am praying for you friend...

  5. Marie- how beautiful. I ache for you. Reading about you finding out it's a girl and how you would "pinkify" her touched me. I remember the day we found out we were having a girl.I named her that day. The next day at work I smiled and smiled and smiled so much I thought I wouldn't stop. I still remember that.

    Our loss is a loss that is difficult to navigate. You wrote about forgeting Alyssa's face. Know that you never will. You are a mother and she will be with you until you draw your last breath. Her face will be the last you think of on earth and the first you see on the other sie.

    I'm wrapping my arms around you, my sister, as I know you have done for me so many times.