I know that in spite of all that I have been through, he still provides and is a constant friend. I also know that I still love him and look to him for comfort. I know that if something happens, I automatically turn to him and call upon him for mercy and a miracle. I also know that his word always tells me that he would never put more on me than I can bear. But tell me something? How do I know how much I can bear??? I can bear the loss of one, but two, three, four???? I don't think so! But like so many ladies who have lost this many, they constantly hear the words; "he won't put more on you than you can bear". How do we know how much we can bear until we go through it? I personally would rather not know.
April seems to be a terrible month. Most my friends (hohb ladies and in the blog) seem to be having a tough time getting pregnant, even with medical intervention, or are having a tough time staying pregnant. It seems every where I turn, a child has died, and I must say this hurts me to the core especially after they worked hard to get this child here. Do they love him any less? Why do good people have to suffer? Why does it seem that every where we turn we face disappointments and heartaches? After agonizing and trying to understand the mind of God (which we never will), I am reminded of the scripture that says "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me" (Psalm 23).
Do I love him any less?
Since he left me motherless at a young age (6); do I love him any less?
Since he gave me quite a scare last year and waved the "C word" in my face; do I love him any less?
Since he took Alyssa-Joy and left me childless; do I love him any less?
Since I stand on pins and needles daily: do I love him any less?
Though it seems that the bills are piling up and we wont get a raise next year; do I love him any less?
Though I have a weak cervix and will have a tough time in any pregnancy; do I love him any less?
Though this reduces my chances of having as many kids as possible, do I love him any less?
Do you love him any less?
If you are trying diligently for a child and are going nowhere; do you love him any less?
If you are faced with infertility; do you love him any less?
If you have lost a child; do you love him any less?
If you are bedridden and seem at your wits end; do you love him any less?
If you have been disappointed time and time again; do you love him any less?
I can think of many scenarios that are devastating and try our faith, but do we love him any less? I don't. It actually makes me reach put to him more. Though I may get mad at him, I actually seek him more as only he can give me the comfort that my hubby cannot give me.
Romans 5:1-6 says:
1. Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
2. By whom also we have access by faith into his grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4. And patience experience, and experience, hope.
5. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy ghost which is given unto us.
6. For when we were yet without strength, in due time, Christ died for the ungodly.
I can truly say that through all my experiences I have learned patience. I have learned at appreciate the small things I have. My relationships with other people are better. I have the experience of losing a child and I can share my experience with someone who has recently gone through the same thing. And now I have HOPE. Yes, I may see all the tragic things that are going on in the world, but I also see the good things. I see a newborn baby (even though I wish is were mine), I see the sun rise every morning and I know new mercies are abounding. I see the miraculous changes happening in my life and I have hope.
If you are going through some tough times right now, just have hope. It may be tough, but he wants us to reach out to him. He wants us to think positive and have faith. He wants to show us that he is God, and his love is overflowing despite what we face. He wants to make us more patient, peace. strength, experience, and hope. When we feel weak and cannot seem to find peace, just know that his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
When I am down, I repeat the following scripture: "hear my cry O God, attend unto my prayer. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I"(Psalm 61:2). This helps to calm my fears just knowing that I have someone who listens and can attend diligently unto me.
Well, my appointment went well yesterday. I am relieved. With all that I went through last year, I needed some good news. In addition to some other procedures, I had a breast exam. Praise God! NO LUMPS!!! One less thing for me to worry about.
On a sad note, please pray for my friend Alyson and Justin whose last round of fertility treatment was unsuccessful. Please pray for comfort for them and their continued peace.
Awaiting my expected end.