Hope

What comes after the test? I have heard this question asked many times and believe that the answer is always wrong. Someone said to me recently "Don't worry. After your test, you will have a testimony". I am sure this person had the best of intentions - but do not say those words to me unless you have been through what I have been through.

As a believer, I know that we are put through tests. As the scripture says the trying of our faith worketh patience....  The response of many is usually "a testimony". I beg to differ. For those of us who have lost a child or even a loved one, we know that the testimony does not come right away. As for me, after my test (some of us go through many) I experienced many emotions. Anger, hurt, depression, and eventually hope. After these gamut of emotions, I can only say a testimony will come after my expected end is here (aka a child being born into this world with no complications or health issues). But what about the people who never have a child? What about the people who always struggle and suffer and never get their ultimate reward? Will they ever have a testimony? 

After the test, I believe that your attitude is what defines your situation as well as your faith. Do I sit here and curse God? Do I wallow in self-pity? Do I give up ever having a child? I can sit here and mourn and cry "woe is me!" or I can do something about it. I can turn my experience into a ministry or service. I can advocate for my family members and their health care. I can evaluate my life and make changes. I can pick a charity and raise money. I can cherish the memories of my little one and share her with others who will love her as much as I do. I can make my condition known and implore women to ask their doctors for cervical checks. 

Yes, I grieve and that is okay. But I do not let the grief consume me to the point that I cannot be of use to myself or others. Do I have a testimony right now? Not at all. Does that mean I will never have one? I refuse to believe that. But I do know that after I go through a test, a testimony is NOT the next thing to follow. 

My attitude determines my altitude. I believe that how I act following my experiences  will affect how others treat me and the blessings that will ultimately come my way. I want to be seen as not "that lady who lost her baby", but as Marie-a good friend or a positive person. I am tired of being seen like that. I see the looks of pity, hear the whispers when I enter  a room, and what is my response? I smile and say "if you have a question you can always ask." I am open about my experience. You never know who may be going through a similar situation or will go visit their doctor and ask questions to ensure that the same thing does not happen to them.

After my test and the ultimate attitudes that I display, he will make me whole. I will accept the path that I have been given (it is really tough). I will move forward in a positive light no matter what the outcome. I will still grieve for years to come, but acceptance will become a part of my life. Will the testimony ever come? I hope so. But if it is not part of my future then I trust that he will make me whole. 

The lady with the issue of blood for twelve years (imagine seeing your period continuously for 12 years!) who came up to Jesus and touched the hem of his garment. Did she believe that she would have a testimony after she touched him? She did. She believed in her heart that if she could just touch the hem - not his hand or even his feet (she felt it was unattainable-out of reach - thats how I feel sometimes)-but his hem, then she would be made whole. What was the difference between this woman and myself? She believed. Yes, she struggled for years, but she always had hope. She took a chance and believed that she would be healed-that she would get her expected end. (Matthew 9)

So will I have a testimony? I hope so. I am going to believe that he can make me whole as long as I believe. Yes, I know the road may be rough and paced with problems, but I am going to hold on to hope. 

Do not tell me that I am going to have a testimony unless you have been through a similar experience. Do you have a crystal ball?? Then don't tell me that I will have a testimony. No one knows what the future holds. Tell me to have hope and believe that I will have a testimony. I pray that we all will have hope. I know it is easier said than done after all the disappointments we face. But if we don't have hope, what else is there to hold on to? I close with this scripture;

Psalm 39:7

And now, Lord, what wait I for? my hope is in thee.

Awaiting my expected end.