My dearest Evan,
Happy birthday my darling. I cannot believe that its been two years since you have left my arms. My heart aches just as much today as it did it year ago. I miss you so much my darling. I look forward to the day that I can hold you again. Thank you so much for helping to bring your bother safely here. Thank you for teaching me how to love more and to cherish every single day.
I love you to the moon and back my love..... I miss you so very much.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Where I am Today
On July 24th, 2010, I wrote this post. I was thankfully feeling a lot better when I wrote that post. This year I am just angry. Angry at the drs., angry at life's circumstances. I am also asking why? Why me? Why us? Even though I know I will never get an answer, I am still asking in a defiant voice.
I am saddened that Spencer will only hear about his brother and sister. I am saddened that all he will have are pictures. I keep thinking I should have 3 children here to love and hold, but I have 2 in my heart and one in my arms. I long to hold them, to smell them, to hear their voices. I often wonder who they would be like. Me? Their dad? Would they be feisty? Would they be shy? I do know one thing. They would be loved oh so very much.
This day 2 years ago was horrible. The dr didn't take me seriously. Who knows how it could have turned out? If only she had listened! Today was the last time I felt my son move. The last time I would have a link to him. The last time he would hear my voice. The last time my heart would be whole.
I love and miss you my son. I love you to the moon and back........
Grieving the journey to my expected end,
Marie
I am saddened that Spencer will only hear about his brother and sister. I am saddened that all he will have are pictures. I keep thinking I should have 3 children here to love and hold, but I have 2 in my heart and one in my arms. I long to hold them, to smell them, to hear their voices. I often wonder who they would be like. Me? Their dad? Would they be feisty? Would they be shy? I do know one thing. They would be loved oh so very much.
This day 2 years ago was horrible. The dr didn't take me seriously. Who knows how it could have turned out? If only she had listened! Today was the last time I felt my son move. The last time I would have a link to him. The last time he would hear my voice. The last time my heart would be whole.
I love and miss you my son. I love you to the moon and back........
Grieving the journey to my expected end,
Marie
Friday, July 22, 2011
27
I turn 27 today and all I can remember is that two years ago I spent my birthday in the hospital, eating nasty hospital food. This day has changed for me. It is no longer a celebratory day but a reminder of what happened to my precious first born son. On this day I had hope if only for a short while 2 years ago.
Today I will spend my birthday not trying to forget, but to just get through the day without breaking down. Even though my rainbow is here, the ache has not gone away, the pain has not gone away, the memory has not gone away. I must admit, he helps to lessen the pain, but boy it still hurts. It hurts even more that the milestones I am experiencing with him, I never got to experience with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. I miss them so very much and I know I always will. I look forward to the day when I ca hold them in my arms. When I will see them whole again. When I can tell them I love them. When I can say I am sorry for failing them. When I can say "mommy is here to stay:.
So today won't be spend celebrating another year older. Today will be spent anguishing that their face, smell, touch is slowly fading from my senses, but realizing I am one more year closer to meeting them again.
I love you so very much my sweethearts. Floaty kisses..............
Grieving the journey to my expected end,
Marie
Today I will spend my birthday not trying to forget, but to just get through the day without breaking down. Even though my rainbow is here, the ache has not gone away, the pain has not gone away, the memory has not gone away. I must admit, he helps to lessen the pain, but boy it still hurts. It hurts even more that the milestones I am experiencing with him, I never got to experience with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. I miss them so very much and I know I always will. I look forward to the day when I ca hold them in my arms. When I will see them whole again. When I can tell them I love them. When I can say I am sorry for failing them. When I can say "mommy is here to stay:.
So today won't be spend celebrating another year older. Today will be spent anguishing that their face, smell, touch is slowly fading from my senses, but realizing I am one more year closer to meeting them again.
I love you so very much my sweethearts. Floaty kisses..............
Grieving the journey to my expected end,
Marie
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Flashbacks
I wrote this post this time last year. The feelings are still the same. July 21st still brings the same trepidation. I still woke up with a pounding heart as my mind returns to that day. I can vividly see the exam room, the look on the ultrasound tech's face, the look on the MFM's face. I can clearly hear those words; "the stitch is failing". I knew then that it was over. My husband pleaded with me to be positive.
I remember the drive to the hospital, how hysterical I was. I remember the dr. coming in and being absolutely horrible.....no compassion....no hope. I remember being wheeled in the operating room. I remember not being administered any antibiotics. I remember how quickly she did the "repair". I remember in a panic telling the nurse, "she (the dr) didn't mention antibiotics. The dr. wants me on antibiotics"! I remember her rushing to find the dr. to get permission to fulfill my drs. orders.
I remember being wheeled to the room crying all the way there. I remember passing a door with a purple card with a tear drop on a leaf and thinking "will that be me again"? But somehow despite those fears, there was a glimmer of hope in my heart. Little did I know that the flickering hope would soon be extinguished.
Will these flashbacks every go away?
Grieving the journey to out expected end,
Marie
I remember the drive to the hospital, how hysterical I was. I remember the dr. coming in and being absolutely horrible.....no compassion....no hope. I remember being wheeled in the operating room. I remember not being administered any antibiotics. I remember how quickly she did the "repair". I remember in a panic telling the nurse, "she (the dr) didn't mention antibiotics. The dr. wants me on antibiotics"! I remember her rushing to find the dr. to get permission to fulfill my drs. orders.
I remember being wheeled to the room crying all the way there. I remember passing a door with a purple card with a tear drop on a leaf and thinking "will that be me again"? But somehow despite those fears, there was a glimmer of hope in my heart. Little did I know that the flickering hope would soon be extinguished.
Will these flashbacks every go away?
Grieving the journey to out expected end,
Marie
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Checking In
Hello gang!
We are still here, but enjoying our little one. Spencer is a joy and his personality is slowly emerging. He is a month old and is truly wonderful. He had his one month check up yesterday and he now weighs 8lbs 2oz, and is now 21 3/4 inches long.
Thanks for the advice on the swaddling, it has made a HUGE difference at night. He still gets up every 2 hours to nurse during the day, and every 3 hours throughout the night. We are slowly (slowly) developing a schedule so hopefully I will be back to blogging soon.
Enjoying our expected end,
Marie
We are still here, but enjoying our little one. Spencer is a joy and his personality is slowly emerging. He is a month old and is truly wonderful. He had his one month check up yesterday and he now weighs 8lbs 2oz, and is now 21 3/4 inches long.
Thanks for the advice on the swaddling, it has made a HUGE difference at night. He still gets up every 2 hours to nurse during the day, and every 3 hours throughout the night. We are slowly (slowly) developing a schedule so hopefully I will be back to blogging soon.
Enjoying our expected end,
Marie
Friday, May 13, 2011
Quickly Checking In
Hello everyone!
Whew! I must say motherhood is hard but extremely rewarding! I spent the entire pregnancy worrying about getting to full term that I never thought about the first month. We have had sleepless nights, unconsolable crying fits, blowout diapers, did I say sleepless nights? We are exhausted and trying to get into a routine.
Spencer is now 2 1/2 weeks old and is developing his own personality a little more everyday. Boy does this prince have a set of lungs! :-). He is napping briefly right now which gives me a few minutes to just say hi to all of you and hopefully after we develop a routine I will be doing more posts and updates along with some pictures.
Enjoying our expected end,
Marie
Whew! I must say motherhood is hard but extremely rewarding! I spent the entire pregnancy worrying about getting to full term that I never thought about the first month. We have had sleepless nights, unconsolable crying fits, blowout diapers, did I say sleepless nights? We are exhausted and trying to get into a routine.
Spencer is now 2 1/2 weeks old and is developing his own personality a little more everyday. Boy does this prince have a set of lungs! :-). He is napping briefly right now which gives me a few minutes to just say hi to all of you and hopefully after we develop a routine I will be doing more posts and updates along with some pictures.
Enjoying our expected end,
Marie
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Birth Story
Can I really call it that? I mean I didn't actually "give birth" he was yanked out of me! Lol.
April 26th started out as a rainy day. We got up at 3:45 am, prayed, got ourselves ready, and left. The night before we had our last meal as an earthly family of two and as we walked out the door, we looked round our condo and the baby contents within it and we couldn't help but tear up at the thought that we missed out on such an opportunity with Alyssa-Joy and Evan.
We got to the hospital by 5 am, registered and got settled into Triage. I wasn't nervous until they placed the heartbeat and contraction monitors on my stomach. My nervousness probably contributed to the nonstop contractions I immediately started having and boy did they hurt! In fact, they were consistently 4 minutes apart. I remarked to Larry that if the C-section was not scheduled for that day I probably would have gone into labor!
My dad got there around 7 (he would be in the OR with us). It was then that my twin sister called and reminded me that April 26th was also my moms birthday. I immediately burst into tears. I don't know how that slipped my mind and all I could think was "how special". I just knew my mother's spirit was with me. As my dad and Larry got dressed, Dr. C. came in and said "its time babydoll. The day you have been waiting for for three years is here. " All I can say it was an emotional moment for all.
In the OR, as they administered the spinal (which hurt like hell and you think I would be used to it after having it so many times!) Larry and my dad were brought in. This was not the experience I expected! My OB had the music blasting to Michael Jackson and he and all the other medical personnel were signing their hearts out and having a good time. This did a lot for my nerves let me tell you!
I kept waiting for the pressure, tugging, pulling, all the sensations so many told me to expect, but all I could feel was cold so they wrapped me up in warm blankets. As I was waiting, I heard a gurgling sound, a cry and then Spencer's sweet face hanging above the sheet. For weeks I had wondered what I would say when I saw him and the only thing that came out was "OH My GOSH! SPENCER YOU ARE HERE!!!" The joy on my face was indescribable. My rainbow was here!
As they took him to the side to weigh him, clean him, and have hubby cut the umbilical cord, I cried. I could not believe that he was here. He was alive. He was healthy. I simply could not take my eyes off him. They brought him to me so I could see him and love on him before they took him away.
While in recovery, I had a permanent smile on my face. I kept the image of his face in my mind the entire time and could not wait to see him again.
As we left the hospital 3 days later, our eyes filled with tears. This time instead of leaving with memory boxes, we were leaving with a baby, our miracle, our rainbow, our expected end.
For three years we have endured heartache, made tough decisions, worked on our marriage, kept the faith and had HOPE. We had so many negative emotions, "we weren't meant to have kids", "God is punishing us for something", "maybe this is God's way of saying we shouldn't be together", and so many more. The enemy tried every tactic to steer us from the expected end our Savior had in store for us. My husband lost his job, but God still provided beyond measure. I was worried about bedrest, I worked the entire 38 weeks. I worried about my cervix, but the anchor held. Heck it grew at every appointment!
Now we are enjoying our expected end. I recite Jeremiah 29:11 so many time over the past 3 years and we are reminded that God keeps his promises and desires nothing but good for us.
I pray that your expected end comes and you experience the joy we are feeling right now.
With Alyssa-Joy and Evan in our hearts, we are enjoying our expected end.
Marie & Larry
April 26th started out as a rainy day. We got up at 3:45 am, prayed, got ourselves ready, and left. The night before we had our last meal as an earthly family of two and as we walked out the door, we looked round our condo and the baby contents within it and we couldn't help but tear up at the thought that we missed out on such an opportunity with Alyssa-Joy and Evan.
We got to the hospital by 5 am, registered and got settled into Triage. I wasn't nervous until they placed the heartbeat and contraction monitors on my stomach. My nervousness probably contributed to the nonstop contractions I immediately started having and boy did they hurt! In fact, they were consistently 4 minutes apart. I remarked to Larry that if the C-section was not scheduled for that day I probably would have gone into labor!
My dad got there around 7 (he would be in the OR with us). It was then that my twin sister called and reminded me that April 26th was also my moms birthday. I immediately burst into tears. I don't know how that slipped my mind and all I could think was "how special". I just knew my mother's spirit was with me. As my dad and Larry got dressed, Dr. C. came in and said "its time babydoll. The day you have been waiting for for three years is here. " All I can say it was an emotional moment for all.
In the OR, as they administered the spinal (which hurt like hell and you think I would be used to it after having it so many times!) Larry and my dad were brought in. This was not the experience I expected! My OB had the music blasting to Michael Jackson and he and all the other medical personnel were signing their hearts out and having a good time. This did a lot for my nerves let me tell you!
I kept waiting for the pressure, tugging, pulling, all the sensations so many told me to expect, but all I could feel was cold so they wrapped me up in warm blankets. As I was waiting, I heard a gurgling sound, a cry and then Spencer's sweet face hanging above the sheet. For weeks I had wondered what I would say when I saw him and the only thing that came out was "OH My GOSH! SPENCER YOU ARE HERE!!!" The joy on my face was indescribable. My rainbow was here!
As they took him to the side to weigh him, clean him, and have hubby cut the umbilical cord, I cried. I could not believe that he was here. He was alive. He was healthy. I simply could not take my eyes off him. They brought him to me so I could see him and love on him before they took him away.
While in recovery, I had a permanent smile on my face. I kept the image of his face in my mind the entire time and could not wait to see him again.
As we left the hospital 3 days later, our eyes filled with tears. This time instead of leaving with memory boxes, we were leaving with a baby, our miracle, our rainbow, our expected end.
For three years we have endured heartache, made tough decisions, worked on our marriage, kept the faith and had HOPE. We had so many negative emotions, "we weren't meant to have kids", "God is punishing us for something", "maybe this is God's way of saying we shouldn't be together", and so many more. The enemy tried every tactic to steer us from the expected end our Savior had in store for us. My husband lost his job, but God still provided beyond measure. I was worried about bedrest, I worked the entire 38 weeks. I worried about my cervix, but the anchor held. Heck it grew at every appointment!
Now we are enjoying our expected end. I recite Jeremiah 29:11 so many time over the past 3 years and we are reminded that God keeps his promises and desires nothing but good for us.
I pray that your expected end comes and you experience the joy we are feeling right now.
With Alyssa-Joy and Evan in our hearts, we are enjoying our expected end.
Marie & Larry
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