I Have Loved You From the Very Start

I loved you from the very start…

You stole my breath, embraced my heart.

Our life together has just begun,

You’re part of me, my little one.

As mother with child, each day I knew

My mind would be filled with thoughts of you.

I’m daydreaming of the things we’ll share,

Like late-night bottles and teddy bears.

Like first steps and skinned knees,

Like bedtime stories and ABC’s.

I’m thinking of things you’ll want to know,

Like how birds fly and flowers grow.

I’ve thought of lessons I’ll need to share,

Like standing tall and playing fair.

When I first see your precious face,

I’ll pray your life be touched with grace.

I’ll thank the angels from above,

And promise you unending love.

Each night I’ll lay you down to sleep,

I’ll gently kiss your head and cheek.

I’ll count your little fingers and toes,

I’ll memorize your eyes and nose.

I will linger at your nursery door,

Awed each day that I love you more.

Through misty eyes, I’ll dim the light,

And whisper, “I love you” every night.

As mother with child our journey’s begun,

My heart’s yours forever, little one.

I loved you from the very start…

You stole my breath, embraced my heart.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Big Step!

Call me crazy or call me optimistic (I choose optimism). This morning hubby and I made a HUGE step (huge to us). We removed two large rubber.maid containers from the back of the closet. What are in these containers you may ask? All my maternity clothes that I wore with Alyssa-Joy and Evan. We removed all my "regular" clothes from the hangers, folded them, and replaced them with the mounds of maternity clothes I had stored.

Truly, my regular clothes were not cutting it anymore. No one knows that I am pregnant and I usually cover my "regular" clothes with a large sweater. It seems that my bump grew overnight and the choice was made to start wearing the maternity outfits. We still choose to not tell anyone until 24 weeks.

I consider this a huge step and I am optimistic that I will get to enjoy wearing them for the next 4 and a half months.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

More...

Today I am 20 weeks, 4 days. I am more pregnant than I have ever been in the past. I am quite emotional today with gratitude, elation, and I'm somewhat relieved. Two major milestones have passed and now the countdown begins to 24 weeks (only 30 days away). It is so close I can smell it. I am really starting to believe that we will being this baby home.

For I know the thoughts I think towards you Saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Appointment Update

Psalm 147:13 - For he hath strengthened the bars of thy gates; he hath blessed thy children within thee.

My heavens! Cervix is measuring 4.03 cm! Praise God! It has been consistently measuring at 3.5 and now, 2 weeks later it is 4.03 cm. All I can say is wow! Everything looks good, I gained 3lbs total (177) so far and blood pressure is good.

Baby weighs 13 oz , is measuring 2 days ahead, and everything looks good. The downside is my next appointment is in 4 weeks instead of 2 weeks. Thats okay, I can always ask my OB for a c/l check for peace of mind. The MFM did remind to keep taking it easy, as some women when they see their cervical length remaining stable, they start to act like a normal pregnant women. Um... does he know who is talking to? The Queen of Anxious! I will definitely not be taking any liberties.

I did promise myself that I will relax after this appointment, so now I am trying to find a way to reward myself. What to do or buy? Any suggestions?

In other news, I am planning a slumber party for the women in my family and have no idea what to do. Yes, can you believe I have never attended a slumber party so I need some suggestions or advice on some things to do. Thanks!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

1 Down, 1 to Go...

Sorry it took so long to update gang! I have had so much to do preparing for the winter break. :-)

Well, I made it through the first milestone. It was nerve-wracking to say the least. I prayed a lot last Wednesday, sat a lot, pleaded a lot, and drank TONS of water. Praise God, I made it through.

Had an appointment on Thursday (no u/s, just regular OB appointment), and according to the nurse I gained TEN pounds. Ummm no. I don't agree. I weigh myself every morning and my scale says 3lbs and besides it was 50 degrees that day and I had on many layers. When she told me that, my blood pressure shot through the roof! Heartbeat was well and fundal height was right on target.

My next milestone is this coming Wednesday (20 week, 3 days). I have an appointment with the MFM tomorrow morning at 8:30 am and as usual, my heart is doing the anxiety ridden tap dance. I did promise myself that if my 20 week u/s showed a stable cervix, I was going to *try* to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I have been doing really well with laying down as much as possible and taking it easy. Hoping for a good appointment and a stable cervical length measurement tomorrow! Praising God for his goodness and grace.

For those of you with a cerclage (vaginal or abdominal), did your Dr. apply pressure to the stomach when measuring the cervical length? When I was pregnant with Evan, at my 20 week appointment, the MFM applied pressure to my stomach and that is when we noticed the cerclage was failing and the sac was descending. Of course we know how that ended, so I am undoubtedly nervous that he will apply pressure. Is this customary for them to do?

Brief note - hubby and I are back at square one :-(. They were not approved to advertise for the position and the hiring department was apologetic and stated that when they do get additional funding they will keep him in mind. Bummer! We are okay though. We are trusting God and his plans. Please pray for my husband. It is hard for a man who is used to working from the age of 16 to suddenly not working for 8 months. He is getting discouraged so please whisper his name when you meet with the Master in your secret place.

Thanks in advance gang and I will update you after my appointment tomorrow.

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

19 weeks, 3 days

Well, its here and boy am I nervous! Hoping I get through the day unscathed without any mental breakdowns. Hubby and I got up early this morning to pray and I left my house singing "create in me a clean heart and purify me....". This song keeps resonating in my head and heart this morning. I covet your prayers eagerly this morning.

Also, please pray for hubby as he goes in today to negotiate his salary for his new job. We are praying for favor with this matter. If he can get to as close to what he was making before, we will be grateful.

Psalm 5:12
Surely, LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

Thank you so very much.

Awaiting OUR expected end,

Marie

The Dreaded Gestation.....

..... is here! Yikes!

I am 19 weeks 1 day today. In 2008, I went in to labor with Alyssa-Joy at 19 weeks, 3 days and she was delivered and returned to our Savior at 19 weeks, 4 days. In 2009, Evan died from an infection at 20 weeks, 2 days and was delivered at 20 weeks, 3 days. To say that so far I am an emotional wreck is an understatement. I keep reminding myself; "I have the TAC! I have the TAC! I have the TAC! I have the TAC! I have the TAC!"

Please pray for my sanity these next few days as the apprehension is at an all time high (through the roof actually). I want to blink and these next two weeks have passed.

In other news, 4 more school days until Christmas vacation, 7 more days until my next c/l measurement, 5 more weeks until 24 weeks............

Oh Lord, thou hast searched me and known me.

Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thoughts afar off. - Psalm 139

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!)

Marie

My Life These Days

I have always prided myself as being independent and find it quite comical and irritating that the things that I am usually able to do, I have to be "assisted".

These days I can be found with this - (go.ogle image)

The perk - parking right at the door of any building I frequent.

The downside - having everyone look at me funny to see what my disability is.

These days I can be found doing this -

(please excuse the irritated look on my face)

The perk - not having to maneuver the entire store.

The downside - bumping into EVERYTHING!

These days I can be found doing this -

No judgement please regarding the satin cap on my head or the wearing of dh's sweater- it was a lazy Saturday morning!

The perk -getting help in the kitchen from hubby

The downside - maneuvering around the kitchen is quite tough on a computer chair!

These days I can be found doing this -

(Go.ogle image)

This is how I teach most days. Yes. On a stool.

The perk - knowing that I am not on my feet too much (gravity is not my friend!)

The downside - Feeling guilty about not being able to circulate like I used to. I am a hands on teacher and believe in circulation and close proximity. I walk around periodically throughout, but other than that my tush is parked.

When I get home, my tush is always here-

(another goog.le image, but hey it looks just like me bedroom set)

The perk - being catered to.

The downside - losing much of my independence.

Each Saturday morning at 8:00 am, I can be found anxiously waiting on this -

(goog.le image)

Yup! A shot in the ass (pardon my french).

The perk - a calm uterus.

The downside - the pinch of the needle, the burning sensation and the soreness of my posterior for days.

Despite all these changes, I am still blessed and count it all joy! It will be soooo worth it in the end. I promise you - I don't always look this bad. I am quite fly when I put my mind to it, but these days the fatigue is wearing me out and most days at home I have on no make-up, hair is not done, and I am wearing hubby sweaters since for the past few days is has been 30+ degrees in Florida!

Hope you all got a laugh at my expense today :-).

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Due Date

Today my heart is heavy. Today was the day I was supposed to meet my son last year. The day that we all looked forward to, we planned for, we just knew would come. Sadly, it did not. December 9th, will never mean the same to us again. It is a reminder of how our hearts are shattered and are still mending. It is a reminder of dreams lost, faith diminished, bitterness, sadness.

Despite the sadness of this day, we know our son is being taken care of by our almighty Savior. We take comfort knowing that we will spend eternity with him giving him the hugs, kisses and cuddles we longed to give him. His time with us on Earth was short, but we know that forever has no end and we look forward to that day.

My Little Angel

You’ve just walked on ahead of me
And I’ve got to understand
You must release the ones you love
And let go of their hand.
I try and cope the best I can
But I’m missing you so much
If I could only see you
And once more feel your touch.
Yes, you’ve just walked on ahead of me
Don’t worry I’ll be fine
But now and then I swear I feel
Your hand slip into mine.

- author unknown

We love and miss you Evan!

Awaiting my expected end,

Marie

Appointment Update

How precious are thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee. - Psalm 139

Can I just say I love my blog family??? I was always wary about "putting my business out there" and meeting people on the net. When a friend told me years ago that she was trying online dating, my response to her was; "ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! Do you know how many psychos troll the net?". Who would have thought that I would have met so many who would be my biggest supporters over the net? Women (maybe men too?) who probably know more than my husband and family. Women who know my most intimate thoughts. The net can be a wonderful place!

Thank you so much for the comments. I read them repeatedly and shed some tears. It is great to know that I am not alone and others share the same feelings. THANK YOU ALL.

Every appointment for me is nerve wracking. I literally lay on the tiny bed (why are they so tiny anyway?) shivering in fear. I kept repeating the scripture "for God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind" over and over again while clenching my hands behind my head.

My poor husband sits there shaking his head and rubbing my arms because he knows I am panicking deep inside. I am soo grateful that I have a Dr. who is willing to see me whenever I need reassurance. Cervix is STILL stable measuring over 3.5 cm. It is still long, curved and closed with no funneling in sight! Praise God! Baby had its legs crossed and weighs a whopping 9 oz! Unofficially (since it was an unofficial u/s - off the record) everything looks great, lips, heart, brain, spine, fingers, toes, the whole works. So far we have a healthy baby and we are happy!

I left the appointment emotional because I am in awe that God continues to show us he is in control of every situation. I am still working, completing my Ph.D at nights, am still upright and so on. I am so thankful and I'm starting to believe that I am bringing this baby home come April/May.

Thank you so much for the good thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. They are very much appreciated.

Awaiting my expected end (great c/l and still working!),

Marie

Barrage of emotions

Hello ladies!

Has it really been two weeks since my last post? Good grief! I have deliberately been laying low these past few weeks though. Thanksgiving was tough, Alyssa-Joy's birthday and angelversary, Evan's birthday coming up, and the approach of the gestations when I gave birth has really gotten me down in the dumps. I have been ridden with anxiety lately. E-X-T-R-E-M-E anxiety. So much that I find myself crying at odd times throughout the day. Thank heavens for my students! They keep the most of the tears at bay. I am currently experiencing a barrage of emotions and I am a mess!

Sadness - I am sad to celebrate another holiday childless. I am sad that we had to light a candle in remembrance instead of lighting a candle on a birthday cake. I am sad to be known as a BLM.

Anxiety - I am really anxious these days! I am currently 18 weeks, 2 days and I am fearing the unknown.

Fear - Every twinge I feel - I ask myself "is this it?". I know I have the TAC, but the fear is still there.

Guilt - I feel guilty as well (does that make any sense?). I ask myself, "why me?". There are so many others so much more deserving than me who should be experiencing another pregnancy.

Many who are still struggling to conceive, dealing with the memory of fresh losses, recurrent miscarriage, and so on. Every day that I am still upright, I praise God, but cannot believe that I will make it through this pregnancy unscathed. My cervix continues to stay stable and above 3.5 (at least from the last appointment) and I am still working.

Happiness - I am happy to be expecting again and pray that this results in a rainbow.

There are so many more emotions that I am experiencing right now, but worry is the main one. I worry about EVERYTHING! In fact, I have another cervical length check today and I am worried about that! I find myself asking "what if?". Hubby says I worry too much and everything will turn out fine, and my come back to that is "I don't think you understand how I feel!"

I have made the painstaking and final decision to tie my tubes at the end of this pregnancy. Mentally, I cannot go through another pregnancy and have begun the process of getting all the paperwork in order. Do you know that at 26 they hesitate to tie your tubes? That I have to get a mental health evaluation and prove that I am of sound mind? Amazing.

Please keep us in prayer that at today's appointment, my cervix is stable, long, strong, and above 3.5 cm.

Awaiting my expected end

Marie