Friday, March 5, 2010

A Mother's Love

A mother's love knows no limit, no boundaries, no end........ This is the thought I had after losing Evan. This has stuck with me so much that I had it placed in their memorial book (FYI - Walg.reens.com allows you to create a book using your pictures. I made a 20 page book after Evan died and it is kept in my purse at all times).

On my desk is a picture of my babies, my wallpaper and screensaver on my phone, home computer, and laptop also boast pictures. People cringe when they see these pictures, as most do not acknowledge our children as "babies" because they did not survive. At first, this used to bother me. So much that at one point I removed their pictures from my desk at work. I kept thinking, "look how beautiful and perfect my babies are! How can they not see that? How can they not appreciate their beauty?"
The lightbulb moment finally clicked a few weeks ago. Only a mother........ was the thought that rang through my mind. How many babies have we seen and we think , "where did they get their looks from?" (come on, don't tell me you have never seen a less than beautiful baby!). How many times have we heard, "he's/she's soooooo cute!" and when we see them our eyebrows raise and we paste a less than sincere smile on our face? To us, these babies may not be perfect, but to their mothers they are the most beautiful babies in the world!
That's the same with me. To the mere mortals, our babies may not be beautiful because they may have been bruised at birth. They may not be beautiful because their eyes are fused shut. They may not be beautiful because their skin is thin because of lack of fat. To me, to us, they are perfect! They are beautiful! They are treasured! I admire every crease on their face, every fold of fat in the creases of their hands and feet. I admire the perfectly shaped head. love their perfectly shaped hands and feet, lovely fingers and toes, and their small soft lips. To me, they are mine and they are PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL.

So buzz off to all of you who don't want to appreciate their beauty. Avert your eyes if it will make you feel better, but know this, it will not erase their memory or the reality of their presence in my life.
Today, those photos sit proudly on MY desk.

I love that they have photo restoration options and if that is your preference, more power to you. I have often declined the offer to "touch up" their photos. I have seen some of the photos that have been restored and they are beautiful. For me, it is a choice to have their pictures unchanged, only because I want to remember them the exact way they came into this world. My memory gets fuzzy and I want their untouched pictures to remind me of the sweet faces I gazed upon after laboring.
My love for my babies, have no limits, boundaries, or end.

Even families don't understand. They say they do. They offer support because they love us. They grieve with us because they love us and are in tune with our pain. Do they understand why I always wear the necklace with their names engraved on it? Do they understand why I walk around with their pictures in my wallet? Do they understand how important having their urns out mean to me? Do they understand that every time I close my eyes, their faces flash before my eyes? Do they understand every time I hear their name called, I look up just as a knife drives through my heart? Do they understand just how much they mean to me? They may sympathize, but they will never understand. They will not understand until they walk in my shoes. They won't understand unless they are a mother.

A mother does walk with her children's pictures in her wallet. A mother does have their pictures on her desk, in her home. A mother does talk freely about them. A mother does look up when their name is called. A mother's love is limitless.
That is the kind of mother I am. They may not be here right now in the flesh, but they will always live in my heart. My love is limitless. My love has no boundaries. My love has no end.


Awaiting my expected end.

10 comments:

  1. Amen. Marie. That is all i can say. Beautiful.

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  2. Oh, Marie, this is so lovely and true. I just can't say how well you put it into words.

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  3. Marie,

    So true honey, so true...

    I think the "outsiders" are uncomfortable and are at a loss for what to say. You describe it best...Only a Mother. A Mama loves her babies. And, you have to walk this walk to fully "get it"

    Hugs and thank you for this post, its beautiful.

    xoxo
    PS Glad you "carry them" with you :) And, kudo's to you for keeping your childrens photo on your desk.

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  4. Yes, they are beautiful and perfect. Your last paragraph sums it all up. Perfectly said, Marie!

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  5. They are beautiful.

    I agree; I couldnt do touch ups... To me, it would in some way imply that they arent perfect as they are. I dont airbrush myself; so why would I airbrush them. (Although it is totally a personal decision).

    I'll never forget an instance with the photos. I had some of Nick, Sophie, and Alex on my desk at work and a computer tech came to work on our network. He sat down behind my desk and, when I came back into my office, he said "Your children are beautiful." I was shocked for a second because I'd not realized he'd sit down and see them, but I said "thank you". He asked how old they were and we chatted for a bit before he shared, with tears in his eyes, that he and his wife had also lost a second trimester baby, their son to a cord incident. He said that it was so nice to see pictures of babies his son's age, because their hospital hadnt offered the option for photographs and, in their grief, they hadnt even thought of it. His wife was pregnant at the time, but they still were grieving their firstborn. He asked how long it had been, how my husband and I had survived... It was hard for him to talk about his grief, especially with a stranger, but I felt so grateful that God put me there, that he made us open with the pictures of our sweet babies. I've had the negative thoughts too. IN fact, someone came to our home and made a comment. My response; if you dont want to see pictures of our family, then perhaps coming to our house isnt the right decision for you.

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  6. You're so right honey. And no, no one but a mother can understand. But the thing that confuses me the most is the fact that other mothers - those with living children - seem to not understand that our love is just like theirs.

    You are a beautiful, strong, courageous mother. And, you're right - your babies are perfect and beautiful.

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  7. I have Carleigh's pics up at work. I have them on my locker, in our work area, and on the computer. I like having them around!!

    I did have one of Carleigh's photos retouched but I much prefer the untouched ones.

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  8. Marie, this is so beautiful!! Beautifully said!!

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  9. What a beautiful post. You've truly captured the feelings in my own heart! You children are beautiful - good for you displaying their pictures with pride!

    Thank you so much for reading my blog and congratulating me. I wish you all the luck in the world that the next time you conceive, it will be your expected end.

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