Thursday, February 25, 2010

What A Day!

Before I delve into the heart of things, I need some advice. I am very upset and wonder if I am wrong to be upset. After telling my sister about the consultation with the Dr. and what he had to say, her response was;
sis - why don't you wait a couple years?
me - Ummm. no.
sis - why?
me - I don't want to.
sis - why don't you give your body a few years to heal and then try then?
me - I don't want to wait. I do not want to just start trying at 30.

I hung up quite upset. How do I explain the longing for a child? How do I explain that my fears outweigh my desire? How do I explain that the thought of waiting a few more years WILL make a difference? How do I explain that waiting a few weeks, or months, or years won't change the outcome?
Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong to feel this way? I want a baby, and losing Alyssa-Joy and Evan only intensified those feelings. Now I feel that I should keep the status of things from her and not share. I keep thinking that she is thinking I am making a big mistake. How did your families verbalize how they felt about you trying again?
I know the decision rests between God, my husband and myself, but my sister's support means a lot as well. Who do I share this rough journey with? (Other than you all!) Advise. Please. Soon. Tell me I am not crazy. Tell me it does not matter.

Well, I met with the Dr. today and it is hard to describe how I feel about the whole matter. I will say that I was impressed by his honesty. I was impressed on the fact that he was compassionate enough to have me meet him in his business office and not where "there are a million pregnant women running around" (his words, not mine).
I began by telling him my story (surprise surprise, my records had not been sent to him yet) while he was jotting down notes.
He said my pregnancy with Alyssa-Joy sounds like a classic case of Incompetent Cervix. During my second pregnancy, it is his opinion that IC did not cause my loss, but infection and labor. He says based on what I told him, my cervix was closed, I still had a good amount of cervix left, and there was no funneling during those last weeks. It is his impression that the stitch was probably not placed high enough, and he cannot definitely say that the emergent cerclage led to the infection. He then said that as women we have millions of bacteria swimming around in our vajajay.
He asked if I have had problems with yeast infections, to which I said no. I have never had a yeast infection. He also asked what tests have been done. The only tests I have had is checking for clotting disorders.

Heres the bizarre part; "do you have PCOS?" "No". "Are you hairier than most women?" "I don't think so". "Are you diabetic?" "Based on the last appointment? No."
Apparently hairier than normal women usually have PCOS. I then asked "isn't one of the effects of PCOS is infertility?" His response; "not always".
He wants me to look at doing a Sono Hysterogram (sp?) to see if I have a Septum, a Bicornate (sp?) Uterus, Diabetes, and PCOS, just to rule out that these factors did not come into play at all. He says women with these issues usually have IC as well.

Before I tell you the results of his assessments, he did say that It was my choice and he would not feel slighted either way. Ok. Now for the big question; Am I a candidate for the Trans Abdominal Cerclage? No. Why you may ask? Because he feels that Evan was lost due to an infection and me going into labor. He feels that I can get pregnant, do the vaginal cerclage (he says he has done hundreds), be a "little lazy", and carry to term. I then asked, so if I lose another pregnancy, would you then recommend me for the TAC. Yes, was his response.
I then asked him about the type of stitch (single McDonald, Double McDonald, or Shirdokar). He be lives that it is skill of placement and not the type of stitch.
My step-mom asked if we chose to still do the TAC, would he do it. He said that no, he would not. He only does it once every few years, and doing it this rarely does not qualify him as an expert, but Dr. Ric.ardo (works out of the same hosp.) does it quite regularly.

I thanked him for his honesty, and said that after two losses, I would not want to risk another loss. I said that a cloud would be hanging over my head every day thinking, "is this the day I am going to lose this baby?". I told him I was taking his advice concerning checking for all the things he mentioned, but that I was more comfortable doing the TAC. My step-mom agreed with me completely.
He then went on about how getting pregnant does not guarantee bringing the bay home (hello????!!!! I know this! Blogverse has taught me a lot), and that other complications can arise. I retorted that If I have another loss, it must not be related to the cervix. We bid him adieu, thanked him, and left.

I am disappointed, but now I have ammo to use with the insurance company. I refuse to take a chance and do a vaginal cerclage. I refuse to go go through another pregnancy on my back, relying on others to help me out. I refuse to take showers every couple days. I refuse to "just be lazy". I refuse to stress my husband out every time I get up to use the bathroom.
I just finished researching Dr., and found nothing on him doing the TAC. Only Myectomies, Hysterectomies, and Mastectomies.
I will be speaking with Larry tonight, but I know he also does not want a vaginal cerclage again and "hope" it works out. I will also be calling the insurance company tomorrow morning and letting them know he does not do the procedure. Lets see if they can solve this problem now.

Thanks for the prayers ladies! I appreciate them. As usual, I will keep you updated.

Please pray for my dear friend Kara. She lost her second angel Ashlyn Faith recently. Please stop by her blog and send her some love. We all know the pain of loss and know the outpouring of support goes a long way.

Awaiting my expected end.


  1. ((((HUGS)))) You are not crazy and if you have not had babies who grew their wings I don't think they understand the desire we have. I wanted to be pregnant months after Kasey grew his wings. I understand and understand!

  2. No way are you crazy...its so hard when people mean well and just totally miss what you are feeling inside.

    That was an interesting doctors visit too...I think I'd be wanting to do the same thing as you...go ahead with the procedure and yet get checked out like he said, every little bit helps if you can find out any more info!

  3. I think it's great that you're an advocate for yourself and what you want, and that you want to keep searching until you find the right fit. You deserve that, as do your husband and babies.

  4. My OB would agree with your consult. I love Dr B and trust him completely. When we spoke about another pregnancy and a TAC, he said that he wouldnt place one. That a well placed Shirodkar has the same successes and that, while a lot of people think TACs are 100%, that's not the case. That it is a doctor by doctor success; he has 100% with his Shirodkar and stands by it. It kept me pregnant and my labor wasnt brought on by my cervix, so I have no first hand knowledge for other. ACOG does say that you need 2 direct cervical losses to be declared as having IC and being eligible for a TAC. It could be that his malpractice insurance wont let him do a TAC if he cant prove IC. That all being said, have you talked to Dr Haney at UIC? He is an expert on TACs and does phone consults, and he's wonderful. He's helped plenty of folks make the decision to TAC and has done hundreds of surgeries. As for us, if we were to get pregnant again, we would do a Shirodkar TVC. The success of Dr B speaks to us, as does our trust in him and how he has stood by us and placed his faith in God in our pregnancies when others wanted us to abort because "there was no chance". But talk to Dr Haney if you can. He is great.

    As to your sister... I dont know why people feel like they know better when it comes to having children. Even if you waited 10 years, you would still want AJ and E back. A new baby wouldnt change that. You would still miss them. Time doesnt heal a wound that never goes away. I'm sorry folks dont understand. Sending hugs...

  5. Sounds like an exhausting appointment, and I'm sorry it didn't go the way you wanted/ anticipated. I am so proud of you for taking things into your own hands and really trying to figure this out. I can't imagine. ((Hugs))

  6. Hi Marie,
    I know how it feels when well intentioned people try to give you advice, sometimes thinking they know what's best for you. It's been a year since I lost my daughter, and I am reluctant to share with others that my hunny and I will start ttc again. I have been told by some that maybe I am not ready(emotionally, physically) and should wait longer. But giving birth, going home, and having an urn to look at rather than my baby to hold, well, unless they went thru it themselves, I feel they do not have the experience to give advice from to tell me when they think I should ttc again. In the end, it's God and my hunny's support/understanding that keeps me going. Family and friends will love us regardless, even if they do not agree with our choices.
    As for the consult from the Dr. I myself have PCOS, and I have had trouble conceiving, it was only by clomid treatment that I was able to get pregnant with my daughter. But the specialist that I went to after I lost my daughter said that my PCOS had nothing to do with going into preterm labor and giving birth at 22 weeks. The Dr.'s at the hospital when I gave birth and the Dr.'s I saw for post-partum care all insisted it was due to incompetent cervix and that with my next pregnancy I will need a cerclage. I honestly am not completely convinced that it was truly IC, my gut feeling is that was an infection and pre-term labor, plus I am a bit apprehensive about having a cerclage done. So I think it is truly awesome of you to take control of your health and to listen to you own instincts on what you want to do to ensure your next pregnancy will bring about your expected end.
    God Bless,

  7. It is so scary because when we think of medicine/science we think there has to be a definite answer-but the truth is, there isn't. Two different doctors tell us two completely different things. It's so frustrating. Like Cecilia said above, you sound to me like you have great instincts. Follow them and you'll feel like you KNOW you did the right thing (well, I hope anyway :) We are behind you no matter what you decide. Hoping the answers become clear for you!!! xoxo

  8. Just a quick question first, does your sister have children, if so then that may be why she doesn't see the big deal in waiting, sometimes it's hard to understand when you haven't been through, and we all know that loosing your baby is one of those situations, and those that do have children don't realize that getting pg is hard and for some of us staying pg is even harder, so for us waiting isn't and option, especially when you feel that it's time to be a mother, when you long to give that love to earthly angels,. I don't think you are wrong at all for feeling the way you do. As for trying again, my mom and my sis just want me to be happy. But we don't every really talk about it . when we lost camron a few months after she asked if we had started trying again. But other that that since losing xavien she just asks if i'm okay every now and again, but i know that she justs wants me to be happy. I'm sorry that you don't have anyone else with IRL to talk about it with, i don't really talk to anybody IRL except my husband. I Hope that you find someone to do your TAC and someone who you can talk to about trying again IRL. Sending you hugs and prayers.

  9. You are not crazy, nowhere near it so please do not worry about that. Someone telling you to wait is crazy, and I am so sorry it was your sister telling you that. I am praying so hard for you and I want you to have your healthy living baby so badly. I am praying too that you find someone who will perform the TAC, I hate how often doctors write off a pregnancy as not being a life but just another medical condition, giving advice like if you lose another pregnancy, that isn't just a pregnancy that is YOUR BABY! I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your unborn children, you are already an amazing mother to them and they aren't even here yet!

    Thank you so much for your prayers. You are so amazingly sweet and I value your friendship so much!!!!

  10. Marie, I am sorry the appt didn't go as well as you would have liked, but you must appreciate his honesty. That is such a value these days. In terms of what he said I don't know enough about TVC versus TAC, but when I originally questioned it with my ob after we lost Jonathan they pretty much said they won't do it unless a TVC has failed.

    You need to do what is right for you and follow your heart. Thinking of you. *hugs*