What A Day!

Before I delve into the heart of things, I need some advice. I am very upset and wonder if I am wrong to be upset. After telling my sister about the consultation with the Dr. and what he had to say, her response was;
sis - why don't you wait a couple years?
me - Ummm. no.
sis - why?
me - I don't want to.
sis - why don't you give your body a few years to heal and then try then?
me - I don't want to wait. I do not want to just start trying at 30.

I hung up quite upset. How do I explain the longing for a child? How do I explain that my fears outweigh my desire? How do I explain that the thought of waiting a few more years WILL make a difference? How do I explain that waiting a few weeks, or months, or years won't change the outcome?
Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong to feel this way? I want a baby, and losing Alyssa-Joy and Evan only intensified those feelings. Now I feel that I should keep the status of things from her and not share. I keep thinking that she is thinking I am making a big mistake. How did your families verbalize how they felt about you trying again?
I know the decision rests between God, my husband and myself, but my sister's support means a lot as well. Who do I share this rough journey with? (Other than you all!) Advise. Please. Soon. Tell me I am not crazy. Tell me it does not matter.


Well, I met with the Dr. today and it is hard to describe how I feel about the whole matter. I will say that I was impressed by his honesty. I was impressed on the fact that he was compassionate enough to have me meet him in his business office and not where "there are a million pregnant women running around" (his words, not mine).
I began by telling him my story (surprise surprise, my records had not been sent to him yet) while he was jotting down notes.
He said my pregnancy with Alyssa-Joy sounds like a classic case of Incompetent Cervix. During my second pregnancy, it is his opinion that IC did not cause my loss, but infection and labor. He says based on what I told him, my cervix was closed, I still had a good amount of cervix left, and there was no funneling during those last weeks. It is his impression that the stitch was probably not placed high enough, and he cannot definitely say that the emergent cerclage led to the infection. He then said that as women we have millions of bacteria swimming around in our vajajay.
He asked if I have had problems with yeast infections, to which I said no. I have never had a yeast infection. He also asked what tests have been done. The only tests I have had is checking for clotting disorders.

Heres the bizarre part; "do you have PCOS?" "No". "Are you hairier than most women?" "I don't think so". "Are you diabetic?" "Based on the last appointment? No."
Apparently hairier than normal women usually have PCOS. I then asked "isn't one of the effects of PCOS is infertility?" His response; "not always".
He wants me to look at doing a Sono Hysterogram (sp?) to see if I have a Septum, a Bicornate (sp?) Uterus, Diabetes, and PCOS, just to rule out that these factors did not come into play at all. He says women with these issues usually have IC as well.

Before I tell you the results of his assessments, he did say that It was my choice and he would not feel slighted either way. Ok. Now for the big question; Am I a candidate for the Trans Abdominal Cerclage? No. Why you may ask? Because he feels that Evan was lost due to an infection and me going into labor. He feels that I can get pregnant, do the vaginal cerclage (he says he has done hundreds), be a "little lazy", and carry to term. I then asked, so if I lose another pregnancy, would you then recommend me for the TAC. Yes, was his response.
I then asked him about the type of stitch (single McDonald, Double McDonald, or Shirdokar). He be lives that it is skill of placement and not the type of stitch.
My step-mom asked if we chose to still do the TAC, would he do it. He said that no, he would not. He only does it once every few years, and doing it this rarely does not qualify him as an expert, but Dr. Ric.ardo Esta.pe (works out of the same hosp.) does it quite regularly.

I thanked him for his honesty, and said that after two losses, I would not want to risk another loss. I said that a cloud would be hanging over my head every day thinking, "is this the day I am going to lose this baby?". I told him I was taking his advice concerning checking for all the things he mentioned, but that I was more comfortable doing the TAC. My step-mom agreed with me completely.
He then went on about how getting pregnant does not guarantee bringing the bay home (hello????!!!! I know this! Blogverse has taught me a lot), and that other complications can arise. I retorted that If I have another loss, it must not be related to the cervix. We bid him adieu, thanked him, and left.

I am disappointed, but now I have ammo to use with the insurance company. I refuse to take a chance and do a vaginal cerclage. I refuse to go go through another pregnancy on my back, relying on others to help me out. I refuse to take showers every couple days. I refuse to "just be lazy". I refuse to stress my husband out every time I get up to use the bathroom.
I just finished researching Dr. Esta.pe, and found nothing on him doing the TAC. Only Myectomies, Hysterectomies, and Mastectomies.
I will be speaking with Larry tonight, but I know he also does not want a vaginal cerclage again and "hope" it works out. I will also be calling the insurance company tomorrow morning and letting them know he does not do the procedure. Lets see if they can solve this problem now.

Thanks for the prayers ladies! I appreciate them. As usual, I will keep you updated.

Please pray for my dear friend Kara. She lost her second angel Ashlyn Faith recently. Please stop by her blog and send her some love. We all know the pain of loss and know the outpouring of support goes a long way.

Awaiting my expected end.