For the first meeting of the month we thought we would speak about the holiday season and how you coped. What was it like for you? Did you do anything special in your childs memory?
The holidays were especially tough for me. Not only were my step-children here, but I was surrounded by babies and pregnant women in all stages for pregnancy. If I could use one word to describe how I coped, it would be "avoidance". I avoided speaking of my babies (even though they were never far from my thoughts), I avoided the pregnant women, and I avoided babies. I keep thinking how happy they would be to see the lights, the colorful wrapping paper, the tinsel, the smell of pies baking, the joy on our faces. Even though the would not understand the depth or the meaning of the holidays, I am sure they would have picked up on the excitement.
Thanksgiving was tough because that started the chain of events that led to us losing Alyssa-Joy. While sitting at the dining room table surrounded my family, my hands were balled under the table because if I let them go, I would surely feel the aches radiating from my heart. I gritted my teeth and demanded that the tears not well up....... At one point amongst the laughter, I had to excuse myself.
Christmas for me is usually a time of celebration, instead this year it was a time of despair. Every where I turned, there was a baby or a pregnant woman. Their excitement about giving birth, but then I remembered.... "hey dummy! You're not expecting". Can you say a knife to the heart?
I found myself faking being jolly. In fact, I do that everyday - I fake it. My insides are torn up. My heart is in shreds. My womb is empty. But...... I must sill live. I must be strong. I must show everyone that I am okay. The holidays in plain terms just sucked.
Larry and i did light a candle in their honor. We got up that morning lit their candle and prayed. Once again we were reminded that we are the only ones who must keep their memories alive.
Awaiting my expected end.