Monday, February 1, 2010

This Thing Called Grief

I know a lot of you were worried and it did my heart good to know that I was being thought about. Thanks for checking up on my guys! I have been super, I lie.... I have been "hiding". This past week, grief hit me hard. So hard that I doubled over quite a few times and locked myself away from reality. I can't count the countless times tears were streaming down my face on the way home from work, the number of times a song or ad on T.V, made the tears come, the amount of times a pregnant woman passed me and my eyes welled up. This was my week. The pain seemed so fresh and everything made me cry. I was a blubbering mess and felt the need to stay away. I really needed to communicate my grief to God. I cried and asked "why the hell me?" I felt intense anger and hurt. I was all prepared this year to be positive and embrace the memories of Alyssa-Joy and Evan, but last week all I could think of were my babies and how they should still be here. The thought keeps coming to mind that I have been pregnant twice, but have nothing but my memories, urns and memory boxes to show for it. How depressing!

I went to my first baby shower at work last Friday. As team leader, it was my job to get the gift. I walked into B.abies R' Us fine on Wednesday, and the minute I hit the first aisle, I had this overwhelming feeling. I could not breathe and it felt as if all the walls were closing in on me. I immediately grabbed a gift card, paid and got the heck out of there!
On Thursday, the annoying pregnant lady (you remember her, the one that intentionally seeks me out to moan and groan) sought me out and assaulted me! Well, assault is a strong word ------ she approached me and started telling me how she was feeling, and that I should tell her exactly what happened with Evan and so on. Ladies, I almost cussed her out, almost, but that is just not me.
Friday was the baby shower. My co-workers threw a surprise daddy's shower for a colleague, a very nice gentleman. I was all gung ho, I thought, "I can handle this". I went into the library with my intern and for a few minutes (more like twenty) all was well. Another gentleman came up to me and asked, "Marie are you alright? I know this is hard for you". To which I immediately replied, "I'm ok". It's amazing that the men are more sensitive than the women, and that this gentleman cared about my feelings.
Then the honorees walked in (Drew, his wife and 2 week old baby), and I immediately felt the tears. I hurried out and hid in the bathroom until I composed myself. After drying my tears, I walked back to my classroom with my head down so no one could see the redness in my eyes, the red nose, or the quivering lips. I got my stuff and rushed out.

Grief is something else. Just when you think the worst is over, it comes back full force! I am trying my best to not let it consume me, but it is hard. When I think about my beautiful babies and the fact that they were healthy, it drives me into a fit of tears. My body failed them. The one person who is supposed to protect them, and I could not even do that - I had no control over it. I want to be over this, but grief won't let me.

Okay. enough of this sad stuff. My LAPTAC is only 2 weeks away! Every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat. I am nervous, excited, nervous, nervous, and oh, did I mention I was nervous? I keep thinking about the anesthesia and the fact that they will stick a tube down my throat.
I am praying that the surgeon does not do the procedure on his own accord. I am praying that God himself visits that surgical room and guides the Dr. That the Great Physician takes control of every maneuver. I am believing God that he will perform a miracle in that room. Please pray with me.
I have blood work next week and will be asking my primary care Dr. to refer me for a uterine biopsy to ensure that there is no underlying infection.
I have not yet called the surgeon or the insurance company. If you recall I said a few weeks ago that this is no longer being done Marie's way, but Gods way. I am letting him control the situation and eventually the outcome.

Don't forget to help my reach my goal for March of Dimes. The giveaway will end March 1st, and another giveaway will begin!
I hope everyone one is doing well. Praying for you always.

Awaiting my expected end.


  1. Oh Marie, I know those days and they are no fun! I hope your days are getting better. Just remember you are strong and when you don't think you are is when you are the strongest! Yay for your LAPTAC only being 2 weeks away!!! Super exciting! Thinking of you!

  2. Marie, I can totally relate. I have had those weeks before. You are incredible for going to the baby showers!!! I couldn't make myself go to one last week and it was for a close friend of mine. It's just so hard. I really admire you for going. I am glad to hear the LAPTAC is around the corner. I have missed you!!


  3. I'm sorry you had a bad week. My thoughts and prayers are with you as grief is such an unpredictable thing. *hugs*

  4. I can't believe that you were the one elected to go to B-R-U!!! And, go for you for going to the babyshower...I didn't go to any until my sis threw me one the week before I had Cooper and I still thought about Lily almost the entire time...

    Counting down the days with you until your surgery...((hugs))

  5. I am sorry that the grief has been hitting you so hard latey. You are such a trooper for even TRYING to make it to the shower. I am also proud of you for how positive you sound at the end of your post. I will pray for God to be in that operating room as well!

  6. ((hugs)) You are a very nice woman! I haven't been to a baby shower since mine... Thinking of you and hope that your surgery goes smoothly.

  7. Marie,

    *tears* When you wrote about the gentleman asking if you were ok tears came over me. I recall a man taking notice of a difficult situation I was in and saying to me "you are a trooper" Well, YOU ARE A TROOPER to participate in this shower and my hero for going to babies r us to buy a gift. Your beautiful spirit shines through.

    Glad you are feeling a bit better, as we all hit those walls from time to time. I suppose we do well for so long and then WHAM, reality sets in once again and we're reminded of the past and the pain game starts again...and oh does it hurt! I wish none of us had to endure this.

    As for the LAPTAC procedure...God will be holding and guiding the hands of those doing your surgery :) He's in control. Don't worry about having a tube down your throat, I had one down mine 3x last year and never knew it :) Wishing you sweet dreams during your surgery good to you and know I'm praying along with you.


  8. It can be so hard going into those baby stores and seeing all that stuff. I would've grabbed a gift card too! I haven't yet been to a baby shower. There have been a couple but it worked out that I always had to work on the Sat that it was. So who knows how it will be when I finally have to go to one. I will be praying for your surgery!