Thank you so much for the support and all the wonderful comments. They mean the world to me and I treasure each and every one of them. We do not have to have the same beliefs, but your thoughts and your kind words lift my spirits. This even distresses me further as now I wished I had shared this past pregnancy with you - I would have loved and cherished the support.
I have now made a pact to share everything on this journey with you. The loss of Evan has shown me what wonderful friends you all are to me and hubby. We thank you wholeheartedly.
When I started this blog, it was a way of getting my feeling out. I never thought I would have followers or even get comments - that was not the purpose. I simply needed a quicker way of getting my feeling out than using paper and pen which urns out to be chicken scratch because my fingers were trying to keep up with my thoughts. I have now seen the value and cherish our little community. It is funny how tragedy and struggles bring people together and helps them bond. Even though we do not know each other in real life, I consider you some of my closest friends.
Someone submitted my story to a blog known as Lost and Found. Through this, I received some heartfelt comments from a variety of individuals. Whoever submitted my story - a big THANK YOU. Please let me know who did it, so I can thank you properly.
I am still mourning for Evan, but am doing much better. A lot of you say that I am an inspiration, to tell you the truth, I don't feel like an inspiration. But if my story and my life can be an example to someone, only God deserves the glory. There are days when I am mad at God, and don't turn to him as often as I should, but he is still working on me. I have to remind myself that I am not perfect and only one man exudes perfection. He is well aware of this and that is why he created prayer and repentance.
My sisters, hubby and I have been talking about the future. My sisters offered to be my surrogate and a dear friend has been encouraging me to inquire about the Transabdominal Cerclage. I have been in contact with Dr. G. Davis in Sewell, New Jersey and I am hopeful. He answered my 101 questions patiently and I have decided to go ahead and do the surgery. I will do the surgery summer of next year and TTC at the end of 2010. This is major surgery and I am a nervous wreck, but I cannot go through life not having a child of my own. All I want is one, and I definitely consider adoption with or without a biological child.
After sharing the details of the conversation with my twin sis, she said something to me that reminded me that God is still in control and confirmed my previous post. God always sends confirmation.
" See, I told you it would work out. Just not the "traditional" way we would like. This is your testimony and your way of bringing awareness to the issue. Look at how many people have come forward to you with their story. This is your way of showing them that Jesus says he will not withhold any good thing. It might not be the way we would like it to happen, but he does it his way and on his own time. He said the thoughts he thinks towards us are not of evil but of peace to give us an expected end. He knows what you expect so of course he'll make sure he fulfills it. But sometimes we have to go through the fire first before we can come out as pure gold. This is your fire but imagine in the end how great of a mother you will be because you have two babies looking down and guiding you, and looking out for the next child. What better guardian angels than his/her brother and sister?"
I cried when she said this. She does not know that that is my favorite scripture verse or that I made mention of coming through as pure gold in my previous post. I believe this is confirmation and the Lords way of reminding me to trust that he wishes only good for me. I am still mad, but I am choosing to trust him.
I went back to work today to get my classroom in order (more details on the drama that occured in another post). I was talking to another teacher when another teacher N. showed up. N. started crying and telling me she knows how I feel (referring to me losing AJ last year). She just miscarried a week ago and she is going crazy. I sat with her and we talked. Even though she was only a few weeks, the pain is still the same. You dream about what your baby will be like, things you will do, and so on.
I called my hubby after we talked, and we came to the conclusion that God sometimes put you through things so that you can help others. I really hope so. I do not want the lives of my babies to be in vain and I am encouraged to spread the word about this condition so that others don't have to go through it.
In the next post, I will share the details of my conversation with Dr. Davis. Thanks for all your support ladies. Sending you love and hugs from South Florida.
Where is my expected end?