I would once describe myself as a pretty confident person. I used to think highly of myself and had the greatest self-esteem. I must say that after enduring two losses, I have become a blubbering mess. During the days, when the hustle and bustle of life takes over, I am okay. I think of my baies and smile, I remember their faces and am in awe of the glory of God.
At night, it is another story. I find myself unable to sleep, and it is at this time that my insecurities surface. Though I know it is nothing that I did, my self-conscious cannot fathom that. I ask myself, What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this? Was I that terrible as a child? Am I unworhty to be a mom? Does my husband resent me? Does he blame me? Is he still happy with me?
I know my hubby loves me, but even the saints must have a breaking point. How many more children will I lose? One loss was devastating, but I coped. Two is unbearable!
I laid awake last night mentally giving my hubby permission to leave me. I try to put myself in his shoes and try to gauge how he feels. When is enough going to be enough?
Then the morning comes and I am okay again. I cannot imagine living without him. I cannot imagine going through this with someone else. It is just the night that drives me insane.
Where is my expected end?
Nights are hard...there's just so much time for thoughts to wonder as you're trying to drift off to sleep.
ReplyDeleteGod put your husband in your life for a reason...you two fell in love because it was His plan...He knew you two could cling together during these hard times.
Still praying for you friend...
I hate nightime too. Mabe it is because we have slowed down and there isn't much to keep us occupied. I make it through most nights okay now, but there are still days when I need an ambien or a xanex. You may want to consider it. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh, Marie....crying for you (and your DH and sweet babies), as I just caught up on your most recent posts. Wishing I could help ease your pain and help you to get over your anger.
ReplyDeleteI agree...night time can be so difficult, as there is nothing to do but "think," when sleeping is impossible.
I also agree with Sweet Pea, though my faith sometimes wavers, I DO believe you and DH were meant for each other.
Hugs!
Marie,
ReplyDeleteThe nights are so hard and lying in bed with stirring thoughts seems to take over. You are not alone.
I think of you so often. Cling to your dear hubby-he loves you so much!
Gentle hugs and always warm thoughts of you,
Shannon
Marie,
ReplyDeleteUsually when a blog friend endures a hardship, I post a link to their blog and ask my readers to pray for them. I was in Ohio when I read your news about your sweet Evan and was unable to post.
I hope you do not mind, I was recently introduced to a new resource: Lost and Found and Connections Abound (LFCA.) This blog is part of the Stirrup Queen/Mel's blog and is a site devoted to announcements from our community.
I submitted your blog and it was listed in the August 12th post (at http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2009-08-13T09%3A12%3A00-04%3A00&max-results=1) so that others can read Evan's story and offer support to you and DH during this time.
Continuing to think of you. Hugs!