I would once describe myself as a pretty confident person. I used to think highly of myself and had the greatest self-esteem. I must say that after enduring two losses, I have become a blubbering mess. During the days, when the hustle and bustle of life takes over, I am okay. I think of my baies and smile, I remember their faces and am in awe of the glory of God.
At night, it is another story. I find myself unable to sleep, and it is at this time that my insecurities surface. Though I know it is nothing that I did, my self-conscious cannot fathom that. I ask myself, What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this? Was I that terrible as a child? Am I unworhty to be a mom? Does my husband resent me? Does he blame me? Is he still happy with me?
I know my hubby loves me, but even the saints must have a breaking point. How many more children will I lose? One loss was devastating, but I coped. Two is unbearable!
I laid awake last night mentally giving my hubby permission to leave me. I try to put myself in his shoes and try to gauge how he feels. When is enough going to be enough?
Then the morning comes and I am okay again. I cannot imagine living without him. I cannot imagine going through this with someone else. It is just the night that drives me insane.
Where is my expected end?