Monday, August 10, 2009

The devil at work

(I have delegated him to lower caps as to not give him importance) :-)

Why do good people suffer? Why does it seem that those who would make awesome parents are the ones who suffer with infertility and loss? Why is it that when one thing goes wrong, the sh** usually hits the fan?
I know the Lord did not cause my loss, but he allowed it, and for that I am still mad. He has already said that he has to give the devil permission to touch his people. Though I have come to terms, I still cannot fathom what lesson I am supposed to be learning. I know one thing though, I will have a hell of a testimony when this is all over. I hope my life will be an example to others. My grief is still fresh and I dread the years to come without my babies, but I will make it. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Recently it seems that we and my hubby's family are going through it. I actually told my SIL that the devil is at work but he won't win.
The week of my loss, my FIL was admitted to the hospital. His cancer is at a stage 4, and his appendix ruptured. Since the cancer is so advanced, there was no much they could do but vacuum it out (thats the term my SIL used, hopefully it is the right term). Then we lost Evan.
The next week, our refrigerator broke beyond repair and we had to replace it. Let me tell you, refrigerators are not cheap! The next day, hubby's car broke down and a new part had to be bought. The cost????? $495. Remember, we are one one salary during the summer. Add the cost of cremating Evan, buying a refrigerator, and the part for the car - it ate up our extra reserves for the last few weeks of summer.
Then the next day, my SIL called. She has Cer.vical Tutoma (sp) and needs surgery. Cost will be out of pocket (no insurance) and of course family will have to help.
The next week, my BIL who is a minister, was in Georgia leading praise and worship and had to be rushed to the ER. Turns out he had a ruptured appendix that had to be removed. When it rains, it pours.

All these tragedies in two weeks. I tell you, the devil is at work, but he won't win. The scripture reminds us that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against rulers of darkness, against spiritual wickedness in high places....
the scripture also says that we will come forth as pure gold.
The devil won't win. He won't steal my joy. He won't turn me against God. He won't send me into depression. He won't win and I will come through this ordeal as pure gold.

Where is my expected end?


  1. Marie,
    All that hardship...all those trials...and the attitude that you are choosing to have in the midst of them is awe inspiring and God-given. I am positive that God is looking down at you and saying...Well done.
    Still praying for are such an amazing woman, wife, daughter, mother, friend.

  2. You have such an amazing attitude and spirit! Praying for you and your family!

  3. ((Hugs)) and I'm so sorry that you have all this going on in your life and grieving over your babies. You do amaze me with your strength, and again, I say you're unrelenting praise towards God even during this storms, makes you an inspiration to me.

    Love and prayers to you, my sweet friend...

  4. Your faith and strength continue to inspire me.
    Keeping you, DH and your family in my prayers!

  5. Marie,
    I have been thinking of you and wanted to let you know that I am so terribly sorry for what you have been through and are going through.

  6. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and the way you had to struggle to get adequate treatment. And that now insult is being added to injury...


  7. I too have lost children due to an incompetent cervix. It is such a struggle, each and every day. I try to just put my faith in God and know that my babies- our babies- are safe and loved in the arms of Jesus. But in the worst days... In the days where the pain is so strong... It is hard.
    Sending prayers...
    From LFCA...

  8. So very, very sorry for your loss. Hoping that you find peace and happier times soon.

  9. HERE from L & F. I am so sorry, in some way i know how you feel. I've had a pretty hard year myself and sometimes it seems that it will never end . hopefully the good days will come soon

  10. Came over from L & F... I am so sorry for the losses that you have had this past year.. You, your hubby and your babies will be in my prayers and my thoughts. Your ability to get up and move is inspiring to me....

  11. Here from LFCA... Sending you vibes of peace and comfort. I'm so genuinely sorry for your loss.

  12. Marie, I am here from LFCA, and I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry about the losses of your beautiful children and about all of the other painful events that have befallen your extended family lately.

    I come from a different faith tradition, and I think my perspective is shaped by that as much as by my overall life experiences. So I am not sure that my perspective would be helpful to you at all, and please feel free to disregard if it is not.

    So the way I view my son's death is that God didn't cause it, and that there isn't a reason or a purpose, or a lesson I was supposed to learn. Partially because to me there isn't lesson big enough to be worth my son's life, any child's life, any person's. It just happened, for no reason.

    But I strongly believe that we do get to decide what we want to do with our lives in the aftermath, how we want to honor our children and our love for them. Whether in big huge ways or in small ways only we know about, we get to define how we live after.

    Like I said, I have no idea whether this is something that would speak to you, and if it doesn't, please disregard completely.

    My best to you in this difficult and trying time.

  13. Here from LFCA, I'm sorry for your struggles, I hope you will find peace soon.

  14. I am so sorry. Praying for peace and strength for you.

  15. I am so sorry about Evan (and your other troubles). I was over here a while ago and thought how happy you sounded and I am so distressed to find out that another baby has been taken from you.