We found out we were pregnant on April 4th, 2009. A day before AF was due. I got up that morning feeling crummy and realized that it was the same feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant with Alyssa-Joy. After work I stopped at the pharmacy and bought a HPT. When the result was positive, I cried tears of joy. I immediately called hubby and we both rejoiced.
I immediately calculated and realized that I was 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant.
When hubby and I sat down and discussed the pregnancy, we made the decision that we would not tell anyone until 24 weeks, we would not buy a thing.. We actually told my family the night before the cerclage placement.
At our first appointment, we brought a list of questions for the OB to answer. We left there confident that this pregnancy would result in a healthy live baby. My OB has a 99% success rate and has only ever had one cerclage failure in the 20 years he has been practicing- awesome success rate which made us even more confident.
I remember talking to God and telling him, "if you are going to take this one, please take it in the first trimester". We chose to believe that this would be our promise, our miracle, our baby to bounce, and kiss, and love. This bay would actually smile at us, grasp our finger, and utter the words everyone wants to hear "mommy, "daddy". Sure we were on pins and needles and were worried all the time, but once we got to 14 weeks and things were still well, our confidence grew even more.
What made this pregnancy even more ideal, was that it was summer and I would be off anyway, so bedrest and work would not be an issue. We really believed that the outcome would be different. I kept talking about Gods perfect timing because everything was falling into place, hubby got a promotion, summer vacation, every time something good happened, we rejoiced knowing God was preparing something big for us. We kept saying, God is going to make a testimony out of us. Others will see and know that he is an able God. During the delivery, the first thought that came to mind was, "a lot of people are going to lose faith". Here I was telling the ladies on my support site how God was good, and well able, and would bring us through. I feel like a liar. I just pray that our situation does not deter anyone from seeking God.
CURRENT STATE OF MIND
Right now I am mad. I am mad at the doctors who did not do their jobs adequetely. I am mad at my body for failing me again. I am mad at God - don't get me wrong, I don't hate him, I just cannot believe that he would put my fragile heart through this again. I tear up, but the tears won't come freely. My heart feels cold, and I have an ache in the pit of my stomach.
I cried today when I sat with the funeral director and made funeral arrangements. This move respresented finality for me and I cannot even begin to believe that someone may not call me mom, that I can't give my sisters nieces or nephews, that I can't give my father grandchildren, that I can't give my husband children.
I find myself thinking less of myself. Does my husband love me any less? Is it even worth it to be a wife? What purpose do I have in this world? What kind of lesson am I being taught? What did I do to deserve this? If he desires good for us, why do we have to experience pain and heartache? I feel like I aborted my son. He was perfectly healthy. I am mad at the teenagers, druggies, and abusers that have 4 and 5 kids and can't take care of them, and here we are perfectly able to provide for a child and I am not even able to carry one.
Please don't think that I am thinking of harming myself - I am just questioning.
All I know is that my heart aches and I am trying to look to the hills from whence cometh my help, but it is so hard to get past the pain.
Where is my expected end?