Coming clean and sad news.

Hello ladies, I must say I have not been totally honest. In April, hubby and I found out we were expecting again. We did all the research surrounding an Incompetent cervix, the possible outcomes, success rates, etc. We found the best doctor and and had a plan in place. At 10 weeks, 6 days we had the cerclage placed. All was going well until Tuesday July 21.
It is with a heavy heart that I relay the news that once again my body has failed me.

07/21/2009
On Tuesday I went in for an emergency cerclage after it was found at a routine appointment with the perinatologist that the membranes had funneled past the stitch and that I had a dynamic cervix. The doctor who placed the cerclage was not my regular OB. After the surgery, she quickly left the room. I asked the OR nurse if she had mentioned any antibiotics and she said no. I told the nurse that my peri wanted me on antibiotics and they had the dr. paged, who then prescribed some antibiotics. I was kept for 24 hours.

07/22/2009
The Dr. on call stopped by to see me. She stated that there were no signs of infection. I asked her what signs to look for that something was wrong and she provided the necessary information. I was then discharged.

I must add, that when TTC, hubby and I spent months researching possible problems and solutions, infections being one of them. For the first stitch, I had antibiotics before, during, and after surgery.

07/23/2209
Follow up appointment with my OB, stitch looked good, baby looked great, gave me a prescription for more antibiotics just to be safe. Bedrest was increased and he told me if I need to come in everyday to be reassured, I should.


07/24/2009
I woke up that morning thinking something was not right. I had no appetite and had loose stools. Usually baby kicked up a storm but for some reason, I felt no movement that morning. Around 9:30 I started having mild contractions. I called the Dr's. office and told a nurse my concerns. My OB was on call so they told me to come in around 2 to see Dr. M., the same dr. who discharged me.
I called hubby who left work to come home. I drank ice cold OJ and even some soda. No movement. We left for the Dr. around 1:15.
At 2:00, I saw the Dr. and told her my concerns, loose stools, mild contractions without a pattern, flu-like symptoms, lack of movement. She used the portable doppler to check babys hb, and found it. Instead of reassuring me, she looked at me like I was paranoid and told me the loose stools was from the antibiotics, I was having braxton hicks, I just have the flu and should take some tylenol, and baby was fine, plus I was only 20 weeks and should not be worried about movement. I asked her about a swab or blood draw to rule out infection and she said my temp was too low to be an infection (100.8) and If I had an infection my water would break.
We went home feeling slighted, but figured, hey she is the professional. It is because of her actions that affected the next sequence of events.

Around 9pm, the contractions were becoming more painful. I told hubby braxton hicks should not hurt and I called my OB. He told me to head to L&D where they would put me on the monitor and give me meds to stop the contractions if necessary.
On the way to L&D, I could barely sit in my seat, I could barely walk to the labor floor. As I was being disrobed, I felt a gush. They rushed a sonographer to Triage. When she was done the tech and the nurse left the room and I knew it was too late. The nurse came back in and told me that no hb was detected.
Luckily my OB was on call and I was whisked away to a private room to deliver bubs. The cerclage could not come out as the membranes had once again funneled past the stitch. Anesthesia came down and the stitch removed (I was dilated 3 cm already) and cyotec inserted to speed up contractions and cause dilation.

07/25/2009 - 5:54am.
Evan George W. was born sleeping. 13 oz, 10 inches at 20 weeks, 3 days. He was beautiful, chubby, and like Alyssa-Joy looked just like his dad. We got to hold him and love on him for a few hours.
We are still in the hospital and will be here for a few more days to ensure that infection has not spread to my blood.
The reason Evan died was due to an infection which developed during the placement of the emergency stitch. This cause me to have contractions as my body was trying to dispel a dead baby. I am so pissed, I cannot even cry, knowing that this could have been avoided. I am so numb that no tears can come. 25 years old and I am making funeral arrangements for a child. I feel like damaged goods, a failure. My husband and I want kids and I cannot even give that to him.
In addition to that, my cervix is too weak for even the stitch to hold.

When we got pregnant, hubby and I decided that this was it. No TAC, no TVC, no more pregnancies. We did not want to put ourselves through stress and our families as well. Hubby would literally stay up at night and watching my belly to see if baby moved. He would call me a million times a day asking if everything was ok. He was losing hair and his hair was turning grey. We had really thought this would be our miracle.
I remember saying to God, if this does not work out, then I know I am not meant to be a mom. Now I know.
I have come to terms that I was made to nourish the children I teach.

This is the short version and in the next few days, I will be explaining the details to you in parts and why I kept this pregnancy from you. Please forgive me for deceiving you, as I have always valued your support. Please keep hubby and me in your thoughts and prayers as we go through this difficult time.

Awaiting my expected end (I must change this signature).