Saturday, July 25, 2009

Coming clean and sad news.

Hello ladies, I must say I have not been totally honest. In April, hubby and I found out we were expecting again. We did all the research surrounding an Incompetent cervix, the possible outcomes, success rates, etc. We found the best doctor and and had a plan in place. At 10 weeks, 6 days we had the cerclage placed. All was going well until Tuesday July 21.
It is with a heavy heart that I relay the news that once again my body has failed me.

On Tuesday I went in for an emergency cerclage after it was found at a routine appointment with the perinatologist that the membranes had funneled past the stitch and that I had a dynamic cervix. The doctor who placed the cerclage was not my regular OB. After the surgery, she quickly left the room. I asked the OR nurse if she had mentioned any antibiotics and she said no. I told the nurse that my peri wanted me on antibiotics and they had the dr. paged, who then prescribed some antibiotics. I was kept for 24 hours.

The Dr. on call stopped by to see me. She stated that there were no signs of infection. I asked her what signs to look for that something was wrong and she provided the necessary information. I was then discharged.

I must add, that when TTC, hubby and I spent months researching possible problems and solutions, infections being one of them. For the first stitch, I had antibiotics before, during, and after surgery.

Follow up appointment with my OB, stitch looked good, baby looked great, gave me a prescription for more antibiotics just to be safe. Bedrest was increased and he told me if I need to come in everyday to be reassured, I should.

I woke up that morning thinking something was not right. I had no appetite and had loose stools. Usually baby kicked up a storm but for some reason, I felt no movement that morning. Around 9:30 I started having mild contractions. I called the Dr's. office and told a nurse my concerns. My OB was on call so they told me to come in around 2 to see Dr. M., the same dr. who discharged me.
I called hubby who left work to come home. I drank ice cold OJ and even some soda. No movement. We left for the Dr. around 1:15.
At 2:00, I saw the Dr. and told her my concerns, loose stools, mild contractions without a pattern, flu-like symptoms, lack of movement. She used the portable doppler to check babys hb, and found it. Instead of reassuring me, she looked at me like I was paranoid and told me the loose stools was from the antibiotics, I was having braxton hicks, I just have the flu and should take some tylenol, and baby was fine, plus I was only 20 weeks and should not be worried about movement. I asked her about a swab or blood draw to rule out infection and she said my temp was too low to be an infection (100.8) and If I had an infection my water would break.
We went home feeling slighted, but figured, hey she is the professional. It is because of her actions that affected the next sequence of events.

Around 9pm, the contractions were becoming more painful. I told hubby braxton hicks should not hurt and I called my OB. He told me to head to L&D where they would put me on the monitor and give me meds to stop the contractions if necessary.
On the way to L&D, I could barely sit in my seat, I could barely walk to the labor floor. As I was being disrobed, I felt a gush. They rushed a sonographer to Triage. When she was done the tech and the nurse left the room and I knew it was too late. The nurse came back in and told me that no hb was detected.
Luckily my OB was on call and I was whisked away to a private room to deliver bubs. The cerclage could not come out as the membranes had once again funneled past the stitch. Anesthesia came down and the stitch removed (I was dilated 3 cm already) and cyotec inserted to speed up contractions and cause dilation.

07/25/2009 - 5:54am.
Evan George W. was born sleeping. 13 oz, 10 inches at 20 weeks, 3 days. He was beautiful, chubby, and like Alyssa-Joy looked just like his dad. We got to hold him and love on him for a few hours.
We are still in the hospital and will be here for a few more days to ensure that infection has not spread to my blood.
The reason Evan died was due to an infection which developed during the placement of the emergency stitch. This cause me to have contractions as my body was trying to dispel a dead baby. I am so pissed, I cannot even cry, knowing that this could have been avoided. I am so numb that no tears can come. 25 years old and I am making funeral arrangements for a child. I feel like damaged goods, a failure. My husband and I want kids and I cannot even give that to him.
In addition to that, my cervix is too weak for even the stitch to hold.

When we got pregnant, hubby and I decided that this was it. No TAC, no TVC, no more pregnancies. We did not want to put ourselves through stress and our families as well. Hubby would literally stay up at night and watching my belly to see if baby moved. He would call me a million times a day asking if everything was ok. He was losing hair and his hair was turning grey. We had really thought this would be our miracle.
I remember saying to God, if this does not work out, then I know I am not meant to be a mom. Now I know.
I have come to terms that I was made to nourish the children I teach.

This is the short version and in the next few days, I will be explaining the details to you in parts and why I kept this pregnancy from you. Please forgive me for deceiving you, as I have always valued your support. Please keep hubby and me in your thoughts and prayers as we go through this difficult time.

Awaiting my expected end (I must change this signature).


  1. Marie,
    My heart aches for you and your DH. Please know that you are both in my thoughts and prayers.

    Also, please don't feel as though you "deceived" your readers. With holding information is NOT the same as lying about it. Totally understandable wanting to protect your privacy until you were ready to share your news.

    I wish I had words to ease your pain.
    Sending huge hugs your way!

  2. Please please do not feel as though you have decieved us!!! You have been nothing but a positive influence in my life and I understand your need to wait.

    I too lack the words to ease your pain...praying that God will hold you in His arms even tighter right now.

  3. Marie, I'm breaking for you. I'm so sorry this happened! Words, meaningless words. But the tear tracks on my face are real. You will be prayed for and loved from Ohio.

  4. Marie,

    I am so sorry. Words cannot express how badly I feel for you and your hubby. I wish I could hug you in real life, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...

    Prayers, love, and ((Hugs)) to you...

  5. Oh Marie, I am so sorry. My heart is aching for you, your husband, and your sweet babies.

    I haven't been following your blog for too long, but I certainly do not feel deceived. I know you would have shared your news when you felt ready.

    Please allow us to support you as you grieve. We're here for you (virtually, anyway- wish I could be there in person).

  6. Oh, Marie...I am so very sorry. I am just sick to hear this news, and to know the heartbreak that you are feeling right now. Tears are running down my face over the unfairness of it all. I wish I could come and wrap my arms around you right this moment. Even though I've never "met" you, I feel so connected because of what we have both had to go through. And here you are, with another miracle baby in heaven, not in your arms. I'm so sorry.
    Just know that I am praying for you, lifting you and your husband up, trusting God that His plans are perfect, even when we can never begin to understand the whys. Do not feel bad for not mentioning being had every right to share when the time was right for you. How I wish it could have been 20 weeks from now. I love his name...I like to think that Evan and Jonathan are friends in Heaven! Love you~~

  7. I found your blog via another's. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Losing one child is bad enough, losing two is TERRIBLE. Wishing you strength and courage over the next few days so that what needs to be done, can be done.

  8. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet children.

    Wishing you light.


  9. Oh honey. I am so heartbroken for you. How I wish that you had been writing all along - not because I don't respect your privacy (I do, and please don't feel as if you deceived us or anything else) - but because I wish we could have supported you through it. You are so strong and beautiful - I absolutely cannot imagine what you've gone through. It just seems so, so wrong. Words escape me now, so I'll simply say - There are no words. And I am so, so sorry. ((Hugs)) sweet girl. Take care of you.

  10. I know that I've posted over on the IC board and FB, but I just really want you to know that I am here to listen if you need to talk to someone who has been down the same road three times now! What you are going through right now seriously sucks worse than anything and it's not fair. I get pissed off just thinking about your loss! And please... understand this... YOU ARE meant to be a mom, and YOU ARE a mom. Just like I'm a mom. We are just special moms and we have extra special heavenly children. I know that it's not the kind of motherhood we planned and hoped for, but there's no denying that we have our beautiful baby's souls to hold for all eternity! They will always be a part of us.
    Sending you continuous prayers and ((hugs)), Marie. :)

  11. Marie- I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet baby boy. I'm sure there is a special place in heaven for Alyssa-Joy, Evan, my two little ones, and all the angel babies. My heart goes out to you and so do my prayers.

    If you ever want to get lunch or talk or anything, you know where to find me. xo

  12. Marie- Just so you know I am sitting here sobbing, I am sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you have been through in the past few or even days! Please know that we are praying for you and your family! ((HUGS))