Sunday, July 12, 2009

Down in the dumps, but hopeful and joyful

Hello gang, yes, it has been two weeks and I must say a sad, yet hopeful two weeks. Last week marked 7 months since I lost my precious baby girl. I posted on my fb status " 7 months today....". Immediately my sister called me demanding why I put that up and I must stop watching sad movies. Excuse me??????? She is under the impression that I must have watched something to make me remember. Let me say, nothing significant needs to remind me of the worst day of my life. The rain, 6:55 am every saturday morning, my hubby's face, seeing other babies, my bed, everything reminds me of what I lost. It is 7 months later and people are expecting me to forget and just move on. Not so. How can I forget someone that was a part of me? As a friend so greatly put it, if you lost an arm, would you remember that arm 10 years later? I sure would.
I will never forget. Yes, the pain lessens but anything can bring it right to the surface. She was my child, a human being, a combination of me and my husband, how can I forget her????

I often wonder if I am crazy. On my support site, many women don't even mention the baby they lost after having another. Will having another make me forget my firstborn? Will the pain be gone when another baby arrives? Am I the only one still grieving?

I have been searching the scriptures lately and the Caanan keeps popping up. Caanan means promise. When the people of God were in captivity, God promised them that they would get to Caanan, the promise land. The people had their moments of doubt, but God always "showed up and showed out" i.e, he fulfilled his promises. I am reminded daily that his promises are sure and his mercies are new every morning. I have to talk my self out of worrying. Why worry? He has always showed up when I needed him, and why worry about tomorrow? I must focus on today.
Today I am infinitely blessed. I have a job, a home, a wonderful hubby, a great family, I am a part of the family of God,and most of all I have hope. I will focus on today, and every morning, I will thank him for another day that these blessings are a part of my life. I can plan for the future, but am reminded that he has the ultimate say.

This week I am praying for all my friends who are trying to start a family. I pray every IVF or IUI procedure goes well, I pray for the miracle of conception with or without fertility meds, I pray for those who are still grieving, as well as those who are moving on. I am taking the spotlight off me and putting it on others, after all we are our brothers keeper.

BTW - Thanks for all the comments, they always brighten my day.

Awaiting my expected end.


  1. Ouch- your sister's comment was a little insensitive. I just don't think people understand the gravity of all of this. It's sad.
    It's only been four months for me, but I am just like you. Everything reminds me of Ella and what happened. We will never forget our babies or the pain we sufferred during these early months.
    Sending you a big hug! Hope the next few weeks bring you some promise.

  2. hurts when people say stuff like that...I cringed when I read that. I have not been through the pain that you have endured, but in a very (VERY) small way I can relate as I grieve each month for the child I wish I had in my arms. All the time...every day... I'm reminded that I am without the baby I long for.

    Like you said...God is faithful...keep trusting Him friend...

  3. Hey sweetie! You first precious baby girl will always hold a special place in your heart. No matter what anyone says or how anyone feels, you are allowed to remember, to cherish, and to grieve as long as you need to. I am praying for you today and so glad that you are staying strong in the hands of our Saviour. xoxo!

  4. It infuriates me when I see a fellow dbm being told by someone to stop doing this or that because it reminds them of the baby that they lost. You're right, how can you forget your baby girl? She was and is as much a part of you and your hubby as anything else that God has given you...

    Your faith and trust in God is such a comfort to me. You are an inspiration for all believers that when God gives you a trial that you must continue to rely on His grace and mercy. Thank you, my sister in Christ for you remind me when my heart is hurting that I am not alone.

  5. I love reading your posts, I always learn something and am always inspired. I admire your grace and courage, and am sorry that your sister reacted poorly to your comment. It's hard enough as it is without dealing with things like that.

    ((Hugs)) sweet girl. I'm always thinking of you.

  6. I'm so sorry that your sister said that. It hurts me to read it, and unfortunately that's something that we all deal with at one point or another. Its most often from those closest to us and sadly we push them away or direct our anger and hurt towards them.

    I can say that having another baby will not make you forget the one that you lost. There are still days that I don't want to get out of bed and Dylan was born still 3 years ago. There are days that I cry all the way home from work, and there is not a day that passes that I don't think of them. If anything, at least for me, having Lily forces me to grieve for things that I haven't grieved for. Just yesterday, in fact, I was daydreaming of the day my boys were born. So no, having a living child will never make you forget. My husband's grandmother had a stillborn son nearly 50 years ago and she confided to me that there are days that she dreams of hearing his voice on the phone or see's other men with their families and wonder what her grandchildren or daughter in law would have been like.

  7. Hi Marie. I, too, lost my son 7 months ago and yes, it still hurts. More on some days than others. And no, you're not crazy.

    I'll be reading along.