Hello gang, yes, it has been two weeks and I must say a sad, yet hopeful two weeks. Last week marked 7 months since I lost my precious baby girl. I posted on my fb status " 7 months today....". Immediately my sister called me demanding why I put that up and I must stop watching sad movies. Excuse me??????? She is under the impression that I must have watched something to make me remember. Let me say, nothing significant needs to remind me of the worst day of my life. The rain, 6:55 am every saturday morning, my hubby's face, seeing other babies, my bed, everything reminds me of what I lost. It is 7 months later and people are expecting me to forget and just move on. Not so. How can I forget someone that was a part of me? As a friend so greatly put it, if you lost an arm, would you remember that arm 10 years later? I sure would.
I will never forget. Yes, the pain lessens but anything can bring it right to the surface. She was my child, a human being, a combination of me and my husband, how can I forget her????
I often wonder if I am crazy. On my support site, many women don't even mention the baby they lost after having another. Will having another make me forget my firstborn? Will the pain be gone when another baby arrives? Am I the only one still grieving?
I have been searching the scriptures lately and the Caanan keeps popping up. Caanan means promise. When the people of God were in captivity, God promised them that they would get to Caanan, the promise land. The people had their moments of doubt, but God always "showed up and showed out" i.e, he fulfilled his promises. I am reminded daily that his promises are sure and his mercies are new every morning. I have to talk my self out of worrying. Why worry? He has always showed up when I needed him, and why worry about tomorrow? I must focus on today.
Today I am infinitely blessed. I have a job, a home, a wonderful hubby, a great family, I am a part of the family of God,and most of all I have hope. I will focus on today, and every morning, I will thank him for another day that these blessings are a part of my life. I can plan for the future, but am reminded that he has the ultimate say.
This week I am praying for all my friends who are trying to start a family. I pray every IVF or IUI procedure goes well, I pray for the miracle of conception with or without fertility meds, I pray for those who are still grieving, as well as those who are moving on. I am taking the spotlight off me and putting it on others, after all we are our brothers keeper.
BTW - Thanks for all the comments, they always brighten my day.
Awaiting my expected end.