Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Part 2

So the cerclage was done at 10 weeks, 6 days. It went great. No pain, minimal bleeding, and by the next day I was out and about. The spinal block was another story. According to the anesthesiologist, the columns in my back are extremely small and it took two attempts to finally start working. I was given IV antibiotics, before, during and after and sent home on antibiotics as well.
I took two weeks off and then went back to work for the last week of school. I began seeing the OB every 3 weeks and the Peri every 4 weeks.

The fragility of my cervix showed at 15 weeks, 6 days. At a routine Peri appointment, I had lost a centimeter of cervix (from 4. 1 to 3.1) and I was funneling at the top of the cervix. I was prescribed Prometrium (pill form to the P17 shot) to insert vaginally at night. I was told to limit my activities, but I put myself on complete bedrest. I was freaking out, but after talking to some of the ladies on my support site, I learned that the funneling can close with bedrest.
For the next two weeks I remained in the bed only getting up to use the restroom and showering every other day.

At the 2 week appointment with the OB (my OB was on vacation, and I did not want to wait so I saw someone else), I requested a cervical length check. Praise the Lord, the cervix had closed and the funneling had stopped. The Dr. then told me I could be up more and could have one outing per week, to this I politely declined.

Two weeks later at the peri appointment, the sh** hit the fan. He checked baby - perfect!, He checked the cervix - closed! He then decided to apply pressure, right before our eyes, the cervix opened up completely, and the membranes descended past the stitch. He then said my cervix was dynamic - that it can close and open a will. He said my cervix was not bad, but he wanted to put in a tighter stitch. He said that we should not worry, that it was caught in time. I stated to him that the risk was greater as an emergency, and he said it is not an emergency, it is a repair so I should not worry. Needless to say on the way to the hospital, I was a blubbering mess.

I was rushed to the OR, and an emergency cerclage placed. My doctor was in the office, and so a Dr. N. came in and did not give us much hope. She showed no compassion and I was hysterical going into the OR. I remember asking her, if its not going to work, why are we doing it???????? I was so hysterical that they had to calm me down before administering the spinal.

After the placement, the surgeon walked right out. WHAT?????!!!! I frantically asked the OR nurse if the Dr. had said anything about antibiotics. She said no. I told her the peri wants me on antibiotics! It was then that they paged the Dr. and she prescribed something. Now, I am not an idiot. I researched this condition out the wazoo and knew the risks involved. I know infection is a deadly thing that should be combatted before it even rears its ugly head. For this idiot not to give me antibiotics before, during and after placement, only put me and bubs at a greater risk. I was kept overnight for observation and sent home on anti-contraction meds and a form of antibiotics I have never heard of. I was to follow up with my OB the next day.

I cannot grieve. In fact, I don't know how to. I was just getting over AJ, and now I have to grieve my son. Hubby and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements and I lost it. The application for the death certificate wanted to know if the baby was healthy - yes he was. Then it wanted to know if death was a cause due to a maternal condition - yes it was. I felt like crap. My baby was healthy, my body just was not made to carry him.

The one person I was worried about was my dad, and I had reason to be. He told his wife, that whatever little faith he had is now gone. This is from a man who for years struggled with understanding why God took his wife away, and was slowly regaining his trust, only to be thrust right back to where he started. My heart hurts that I cant help him, heck, I cant even help myself!

My heart keeps asking why???? Why me???? Why 2 babies?????? How much more can I bear???? I lay awake at night and I think if my hubby had not married me, he would not be going through this. He has not even cried yet. I want to help him, but I don't know how. I don't know what to say but sorry. I actually told my sister that it would be better to be infertile that to have to go through this pain.
I don't know what the future holds. I keep wondering am I gonna be able to ever have kids??? Am I gonna ever feel whole??? Are we just gonna be childless for the rest of our lives????

I know about the Transabdominal Cerclage. I know about the Laparoscopic Cervico-Ithsmic Cerclage and they give me hope for the future, but I am baffled by the statistics. Statistics scare me.
1% of all pregnancies fail in the 2nd or 3rd trimester - I am in that percentage.
10% of preventive cerclages fail - I am in that percentage
25% of emergent cerclages fail - I am in that percentage
3% of transabdominal cerclages fail - what if I am in that percentage??????????? Am I willing to risk my heart???? Am I willing to put my family through another devastating heartache??????????

Where is my expected end?


  1. It's hard not to look at the percentages and the statistics and worry that's always going to be you. But that's the only way you'll get on. Because if you believe that you'll always be that statistic, then there's no hope and no point. Believe me, I've been there. You don't have to deal with everything now. Leave the future for the future. You've got enough on your plate to grieve over now.

  2. I wish I had the answers. I wish you didn't have the questions. It is so, so confusing and hard to believe.

  3. I have a lot of the same questions every day! And I wish it was easier to believe that everything will be ok, we are supposed to do it on faith. But after something like this who has enough faith?

  4. I don't blame you for being scared of the statistics. I understand your anger and there isn't anything that anyone can say to ease that anger. Sadly, you have been down this road once before and I believe it makes all of us that care about you angry that you're having to walk this road again.


  5. No one can blame you for feeling that way. I am also on the IC site. I have follwed you there as well. I know it is hard to keep going but miracles do happen. After a singleton loss due to IC i went on to carry twins. In addition to IC I had a clotting disorder and gestational diabetes and noone thought I would carry. I post about my journey through grief on my blog If you want I will talk to you anytime, my e-mail is (I share it with my husband in case you were wondering).